by Skye Turner
“I came to LSU because it wasn’t Alabama and I got to be me. Then, I met you. You captivated me. You were gorgeous and sincere and you were so intoxicating… I couldn’t resist. I messed around before you, but I never wanted anything serious. Anything permanent… until you. I love you.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. Is he telling me he loves me and then telling me he cheated on me?! Sorry bub, not buying it.
His eyes are full of pain, but I don’t say a word, I just clench my jaw and stare at him. So, he starts back. “I have a girlfriend… at home. I- I’ve had a girlfriend for five years…”
My knees give out at this statement. I slide down the door until I’m sitting on the floor. I look at him in horror. “A girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?”
Tears are rolling down his face as he nods. “Yes, I have a girlfriend. Phoebe. She’s great. And sweet and innocent. Over the holidays, we spent a lot of time together. We… I… she’s what’s expected of me and I do love her.”
I can’t take it. I just want him to spit it out. Cutting him off with a rude gesture, I stand back up. “Out with it, Joe. Get out what it is you’re trying to say.”
He looks at me, and I see the confusion on his face, but I don’t care. He speaks again. I can barely hear him over the roaring in my ears and the buzzing in my head. I know what he’s going to say. And then he says it. “I asked her to marry me. We’re engaged, Erik. I’m sorry.”
Walking over to him, I lean down and pull him up so he’s also standing. He’s just looking at me, defeated. I want to punch him, but I won’t. As my heart crumbles into pieces on the floor, I look at the first man who ever made me love him, and I say with finality, “I don’t think you know what love is, Joe. You used two people for your own selfish gain. She loves you and I love you. You made me love you. You pushed and pushed, like you had the right… but, fuck you, that’s over now. We’re over now. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think you could have us both? Does she know about me?”
Shaking his head, he says, “No. She doesn’t. She wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
Laughing again, I mutter as I walk to the door. “You’re pathetic and she deserves to know. If you’re going to marry this girl, and since you love her, she deserves to know! You’re dead to me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t contact me. Don’t even let me see you look at me. Because, from this moment forward… you do not exist.” Grabbing the door and wrenching it open, I stumble into the hall. As it’s closing, I hear Joe whisper, “I’m sorry, Erik.”
Sorry doesn’t cut it, Joe.
Forgetting all about the girls and Micah, I make it back to the dorms, find Micah’s liquor, and get completely wasted.
First love… fuck it.
I pass out.
Chapter Nine
Bradi
Six years ago
Lexi drags me to the frat party, even though I really don’t want to be here. The last time I was here, I screwed a guy I detested on the couch, and the man I loved walked in and saw it. Yeah, I don’t want to be here.
Bradi, you’re disgusting. You’re worse than your mother. At least she never intentionally hurt anyone. But then again, she was smart enough after that asshole not to ever fall in love again.
He hates me. I know he hates me. I hate me. What the fuck am I doing here? I can’t do this.
Lexi, in true Lexi form, knows what I’m thinking and she takes my hand and wraps her fingers around mine. “I’m here, Bradi. Right beside you. You need to do this.”
Looking at her with terror in my eyes, I try not to cry. I’ve cried enough. “Lexi, he hates me and he has every right to. I hate me, too. I don’t know why I’m here. He won’t forgive me.”
Smiling sadly, she says, “Love is weird like that, girl. Even when you know you should hate someone, it’s not really up to you. It’s up to your heart and the head and heart can disagree.”
She’s right. I love him. Maybe he hates me, but I love him and I have to try to explain. He might still walk away, but if I don’t talk to him, I’ll never get over this. It’s crunch time.
Straightening my shirt, I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and push the door open. We’re immediately greeted with loud music, shouts, and the smell of sweat and stale beer. My stomach revolts.
Glancing around the living room, I quickly look over towards the couch. It’s occupied and people are making out and some guys are playing the PlayStation, but no Micah. My back goes ramrod straight as I see Mack by the kitchen. He sees me and winks. I ignore him as Lexi and I make a quick pass by to see if Micah is near the alcohol. He’s not, but as we walk back out of the kitchen, Mack walks up and leans into me. I pull my body back. Lexi steps in between us and shoves his chest. He looks at me and leers. “Back for seconds?”
Rolling my eyes, I gag. “No thanks. The first time wasn’t very memorable. I’ll pass.”
He throws his head back and laughs. “Really? You weren’t saying that while I was fucking you on the couch.”
The urge to slap him is overwhelming and I have to dig my nails into my palms to stop it. He checks both of us out and my stomach recoils. “How about a twofer? I’ll let you both come play.”
I step back, but Lexi gets right in his face as she reaches down and grabs his crotch. He groans and she smiles into his face as she squeezes. He’s trying desperately to get away, but she’s not letting go. “You’re disgusting. If you ever talk to me or Bradi like that again, I’ll make sure this thing is never used again. You feel me, Mack?”
He gasps out. “Fuck, let go, Red. You’re crushing my balls. Please let go. Yes, I get it.” She lets go and he turns away and starts to limp. We barely hear “Psychotic bitch,” over the music.
She calls out, “Hey, Mack, where’s Micah?”
He doesn’t turn around, but says over the music, “Outside last time I saw him,” and disappears down the hall.
I’m staring at Lexi in awe. Where did that come from?
She sees me staring and shrugs. “What?”
“Um, what the hell was that? Since when do you try to maim jerks?” I can’t help it. I’m smiling ear to ear. Lexi was brutal.
Her face turns bright red and she mumbles, “I don’t know. I just reacted. He pissed me off. He insulted you… and me. Besides, it was something you would normally do.” She chuckles. “You’re a bad influence on me.”
Throwing my arm around her and hugging her tight, I whisper, “I love you, girl.”
She smiles back and says, “Love you, too. Now, let’s go find Micah. You ready?”
My palms start sweating again and my stomach is still rolling. I whisper, “No. But let’s go anyway.” Then I swipe a shot out of the hands of a guy walking out of the kitchen and shoot it. It’s like diesel and I cough as my eyes water. He says, “Hey, that was mine!” Winking at him, I blow him a kiss and say, “Well, now it’s mine. Thanks!” Grabbing Lexi’s hand, we head for the backyard.
The only people on the porch are a couple and they are hot and heavy. My eyes do a quick scan of the yard and I let out a mewl when I see the back corner. I can see two people on the swing and whoever they are, the girl is on top of the guy. I don’t even realize what I’m doing, but I start walking towards the swing. It’s not him. It’s not Micah. It’s someone else. It’s not Micah with a girl. As we get closer, I can see that the girl is one of the girls who hangs around the house a lot, always hooking up with the guys, and as the guy moves his head, I see dark hair, and then chocolate brown eyes are staring into my wide green ones.
Reflexively, I grab her by the hair and pull her backwards. She falls onto her ass on the ground screaming and I hold her there by her shirt, while she scrambles to try to get up. Never taking my eyes off of Micah, who’s just staring at me like he’s bored, I say, “You’re done here, chick. Playtime is over. Move along now.”
I see Lexi from the corner of my eyes. She’s standing beside me, staring at the girl, and looking from me to Micah. I’m furious and he’s just starin
g. I don’t realize I still have a hold of her shirt. Finally, Lexi says, “Um, Bradi. Let her shirt go. She can’t leave if you don’t let it go.”
The girl starts sputtering and I look down at her. Her lips are all red and puffy and she’s clawing at my hand with her nails. “Let me go, you crazy bitch! I’m not leaving unless Micah says he wants me to.”
My eyes flash and she recoils. “Oh, yes, you are leaving. Right now.” Pointing at the house, I make my position clear.
She looks from me to Micah and asks incredulously, “You want me to leave?”
He shrugs and takes a swig from the bottle next to him on the swing.
She stands up and shoves me before stomping off towards the house, and screaming over her shoulder. “Fucking stupid bitch! And Micah, I never thought you were an asshole. Screw you!”
I stand in front of the swing staring at him and he just stares back. Neither of us want to be the first to look away. Finally, he breaks my gaze and looks at Lexi. “Hey, Lex. Having fun?”
I growl and look over my shoulder at her. She looks at me with wide eyes and is playing with a ring on her finger. She keeps twirling it. “Hey, Micah. Um, yeah. Sure. I’m just going to um… I’m going to go sit on the patio, ok?”
I nod at her and as she walks away, I pierce Micah with my livid gaze again.
He looks at me and laughs cruelly as he takes another swig. Then he sits up and props his hands on his knees while still staring at me. “You need something, Bradi? Mack is in the house. Hell, there’s a whole house full of guys you haven’t fucked yet.”
Gasping, I step back and my head swims from the pain.
Ok then. This is how we’re going to do it. I was right. He hates me. Ok, well I’m still getting out what I came to say.
Looking at him, I lick my lips. My throat is so dry, I think I’m going to start coughing. I start. “I know Mack is in the house. I already saw him.” He snorts, but I keep going. “I don’t want to have anything to do with Mack. I never did.”
He cuts me with his beautiful brown eyes and the pain is so intense it takes my breath. “Really? Are you fucking serious right now, Bradi? You left me. At my parents’ house! On Christmas Eve! No explanation. You just left. Then when I followed you and you wouldn’t talk to me. You disappeared and I don’t know why. I finally think I’m going to get an explanation, I mean, why the fuck else would Lexi tell me you were at my frat house?! And I walk in and see you, the fucking woman I love, being fucked on the couch like a whore by the one person in this house I cannot stand. And ‘you never wanted anything to do with him?’ What a fucking joke.”
Tears are running down my face and I want to walk over to him and have him hold me, but I know I don’t have the right.
Swallowing the tears back so I can push forward with the rest, I begin again. “You’re right. I did. I did all of that.”
He stares at me and a single tear falls. I watch it roll down his beautiful, perfect face. The face I love. The face I dream about. Shaking his head, he asks the question I need to explain. “WHY?”
Looking at the stars, I let the silent tears fall. Then, gazing back at him and memorizing the face I’ll never forget, I decide to tell him everything. “I’ve told you about my mother. About growing up and man after man. I told you I didn’t want that for myself. I never wanted that for myself. I came here with the intention of living it up in college. Having a little fun, but never getting too involved. Then… then I met you. From the moment I saw you, my very first day here… you ensnared me. You were the only guy I thought about. I fought it because I didn’t want it. I was terrified. Wanting you meant you could hurt me. It gave you power.” He doesn’t speak. He just watches me. “When I was a child, about five, my mom started seeing this man. She was happy. For the first time ever, she was truly happy. She loved him. She was faithful to him and they were together for years. Years. She loved him and thought he loved her. She thought he’d marry her. He never thought the same thing. He used her. He took everything she had and after three years, he came over one day and told her he was marrying someone else. He was a very successful man… in politics and had big plans and my mother wasn’t the type of bride he needed. She was devastated. She changed after that. She was cold and calculating. Every man was a plaything and there were never emotions involved. She’s never loved anyone else.”
My tears are falling freely now and I can barely see him through them, but he’s still listening. “Micah, when you asked me to come home with you for Christmas… I was- I was terrified. I don’t do the relationship thing. I’ve never been serious about anyone. But, you wanted me to meet your parents. You wanted to introduce me to them and I was scared to death, but I was also thrilled. You thought I was worthy. I truly loved your mother and your house is beautiful. You have everything. A loving family, a warm, inviting home, and your mother was so welcoming. It blew me away. You blow me away.”
He stops me. His hand cuts off my words. “If I’m so perfect then, why did you leave me?”
I reach for his hand since somehow I’m now sitting in the grass in front of him, looking up at him, but he moves it away. It cuts like a knife. I smile sadly. “I’m getting to that. Let me finish.” He nods. “That night, I woke up and you were gone with your family. I got ready and decided to go down to wait for you. I looked at all of the photos on the walls and eventually made my way into the library. I was looking at the photo of you and your dad. You know the one on the mantle?”
He nods again and I see him gripping the bottle. His knuckles are white.
“I was looking at the photo and someone started talking to me. I was immediately uncomfortable, but not sure why. And then- then I recognized him. Your uncle, Max… he was the man. The man my mother was involved with when I was a child.”
Micah gasps and the bottle falls out of his hands. It hits the ground with a thud. I watch as the liquid spills out and soaks into the grass. He starts shaking his head, “Noooo.”
Nodding, I keep going. I have to get through this. “Yes, your uncle was the man my mother loved. The man she wasn’t good enough for. He told me you had high aspirations. He said you had big plans and your family was counting on you to make them come true. He told me that I would distract you and I would take your dream from you. He told me that- he said that if I loved you… I would walk away.”
He’s shaking his head back and forth. “What? No…. No, he wouldn’t say that. He knew- he knew your mother?!” He punches the swing and I hear the wood splinter.
I hurry to get the rest out. “He did and remembering what happened with my mother and seeing what your family was like, I wanted better for you. So- so, I left. I left even though it killed me. I left and was cold and cruel. But you wouldn’t stop. You kept fighting for me. So- So, I did… I did the one thing I knew would drive you away. I slept with Mack. I wanted you to find out. I knew that you wouldn’t forgive me. I’m sorry.” I’m sobbing and shaking, but I have to finish. I have to say the most important part. “I betrayed you and I did it because I believed him. Your uncle, I believed him. He said you would fight for me and he was right, so I did the one thing I knew would destroy you. I betrayed you. I’m so sorry. I know you can never forgive me and that you hate me, and I understand. I hate me too. But I had to tell you. You need to be you. Follow your dreams. Live your life.” I stand up and as I stumble, trying to find my footing, I say one final thing, “You deserve better than me. I love you, and that’s why I know you deserve better than me.”
I have to go. Dear God, I have to get out of here. I can’t go back through the house. Please let Lexi be here. I need to go back to my room.
“Bradi. Bradi, stop.” His voice is choked up, but I don’t stop. I keep walking blindly towards the house. My arm is wrenched back and I’m spun around and then, he’s in my face. I can only see an outline of him through my tears. “STOP!” He shakes me. “You don’t get to decide my life for me! I decide my life. I decide what I want and who I want. I decide! Me. Not you. Not M
ax. Not anyone but ME! I want to hate you. God, I want to hate you.” He shakes me again and I gasp at the rage in his voice. “I wish I hated you. But I don’t. I love you. I… Love… You… I wasn’t looking for you, but once you stormed into my life, that was it. There is no other woman for me. There’s just you. ‘Follow my dreams?’ YOU ARE MY DREAMS! My future, the only future I can exist in, has you in it! Am I furious? Yes. Do I want to beat you? Yes. Do I want to rage at you for putting me through this? Yes. But more than any of that, I love you and you love me and we belong together.”
He leans down and breathes into my hair and I start sobbing again. Grabbing on to him, I wrap my arms around his waist and cry into his chest. I smell him and my soul is instantly soothed. Looking up at him, I ask the most important question, “How can you ever forgive me?”
Looking into his eyes, I see them light up. For the first time, I see a spark in them again. Leaning down, he gently kisses my mouth. Pulling back, he looks deep into my eyes. “I can forgive you, because I love you, Bradi. Is this fucked up beyond belief? Absofuckinglutely. You are headstrong and selfish at times. You make me so mad I could scream. Sometimes, I want to beat you. Yes, beat your ass. You walk into the room and instantly all of the spare air is sucked away. You are a hurricane, but you’re my hurricane, and those are also the reasons I love you.”
Cupping his chiseled face with my hands, I smile a full-on smile. “You still love me?”
Smiling back, he leans in and kisses me. When we come up for air, he says, “Yes. I never stopped.”
“I love you, too. So much. You are my everything, Micah.”
He whispers, “I’m going to need you to say that again.”
Laughing, I reply, “I love you. I love you. I love you. I don’t deserve you, but I love you.”
Getting serious, he states firmly. “You DO deserve me. You are worthy, Bradi. You’re it for me. Don’t ever put me through that again.”
Brushing my fingers over the planes of his face, I whisper back. “I will never betray you again. I promise. I love you.”