I rummage through until I find one. When I go to the back, a car is creeping past ours with its windows down.
“Party still going?” asks a guy. I recognize him as one of the skaters from the park.
“Yeah,” I tell him. The back window rolls down, and my heart tumbles over my ribs to see Taro. His eyes go to Kenzie as Lin and Monica help her to her feet.
“I guess you’re taking off,” Taro says.
I walk to the window. “She drank too much. I need to get her to bed.”
Taro nods, but when I see the hint of disappointment in his eyes I lean in the window and give his heart lips a peck. They’re as soft and supple as I’d imagined. I hear his friends snigger with surprise. When I’m about to pull back, Taro cups my cheek with one hand and presses his mouth closer, opening his lips for our tongues to touch. Now his friends are clapping, and after a few seconds of melting into his warmth, I gently pull back.
“Thanks for yesterday” I say to him.
His eyes search mine, and he nods. I turn to the minivan, where Monica and Lin are jumping in, both giggling.
“Oh my God, Zae,” Lin whispers. “We turn around for one second and you’re kissing someone!” They both laugh as Kenzie moans.
I climb in and shut the door. “Well, you know I have to keep my list up to date.”
“Aw, come on,” Monica says in an annoyed tone.
I let go of my seat belt and turn to them. “Funny how it’s just me who has a list. If she said it about all of us, making you guys look stupid, too, you would be upset.”
“Zae,” Lin says, “the whole kissing-contest thing was your idea. You can’t be mad that it got out.”
“It wasn’t even supposed to be a contest. I only said that so you would join me and get over John because you’re competitive.”
Lin’s face tightens in anger for a second, and then she calms. “I guess it worked.”
Monica snorts, and I look at her, asking, “Did you and Dean kiss?” My heart goes erratic, and I wonder if I just sounded as mean as I felt.
“No.” She’s eyeing me strangely. “I thought you made it clear he was yours.”
Um . . . “But you were flirting with him.”
Now it’s Monica’s turn to get mad. “Excuse me, but I’m not even allowed to talk to him now? You didn’t exactly go for it while you were with him. And then you kissed skater boy right after. You can’t claim everyone.” I love when she goes into diva mode against other people but not so much against me.
“Guys,” Lin warns us.
I turn to face the wheel, tugging the seat belt strap harder than necessary. This is wrong. It’s all wrong.
“No fighting,” Kenzie whispers, followed by the crinkling of a bag and sounds of retching. I tense, feeling bad for her.
“We can’t take her home like that,” I say. “Her parents are going to kill her.”
“Her parents are at a work party, remember?” Lin says. “Rae will be there.” Kenzie’s older sister from college. I’m ashamed that I only faintly remember the conversation.
The minivan is quiet after that except for occasional dry heaving from Kenz. We take her home first, then Lin. That leaves me and Monica in awkward silence the rest of the way to her house. We both whisper our goodbyes and she gets out quickly. I know I should have said sorry, but of all the guys at the party, of all the guys Monica could get with a simple flick of her finger, why flirt with Dean?
I don’t want a guy to come between us. It’s my number-one rule, and I’m breaking it. But so is she.
I’m sad when I get home and crawl into bed. Even the reminder of Taro’s soft lips cannot soothe me. Everything feels like it’s starting to spiral out of control, and an evil voice in my head keeps telling me it’s only going to get worse.
Chapter Eighteen
Thursday Morning
It’s my first day working alone. I like the freedom Mrs. McOllie is giving me, but it’s hard to enjoy it when I still feel icky from last night. Usually the girls and I will text with random stuff from the second we wake up, but it’s been quiet today.
An hour into my shift I get a text from Kenzie. I’m so, so sorry, Zae. I’ve been sick all morning. I can’t stop crying. I’ve never been that drunk. I don’t even remember everything I said, but Lin told me some of it. I KNOW there’s no list. Monica said ur super pissed. What can I do to fix this?
My heart pinches, and her apology washes away some of the grime from my dark aura. I’m not mad at you. It’ll blow over. Let’s just forget about it. I was in a bad mood last night.
Hopefully my words will get back to Lin and Monica as well.
ILY, she texts.
ILY2.
Loud voices come at me from the mall hallway. Some guys are yelling and laughing, being rowdy. One of the voices sends a chill down my back. I look up, filled with dread as three guys pass, roughhousing. The biggest guy punches another in the arm, and looks up into the store to catch me staring. My stomach drops like lead.
Rube. Wylie’s friend who I’d hoped to never see again.
A disgusting cyclone builds inside me when he stops dead in his tracks. The two guys he’s with stop as well. I don’t know them, but they’re just as smug looking as Rube when they come into the store, touching things, flicking at the scarves and feathery earrings. I want to tell them to get out, but I hold my tongue and try to appear unaffected.
Rube takes his time getting to the counter; I have no doubt he knows how uncomfortable his presence is making me, and he’s savoring it. He smirks and leans down on the counter like he owns the place. His two friends walk up and flank him, still touching items on display. I hate how rigid I’ve gone. Behind them I hear another loud, rowdy group of guys passing.
“You really did a number on Wylie,” Rube says. “Cold.” His friends eye me with disdain.
“Oh, I did a number on him?” I ask. “Right.”
“Yeah, you did,” he says. “What chick is with a guy for almost a year and won’t even bang him? Won’t let him go out with his friends? Won’t let him do anything? A control freak, that’s who. But he’s having fun now.” His friends laugh.
My blood pressure is through the roof. I can’t even swallow the lump in my throat.
“Y’all need to go.”
His low laughter screams Make me.
“What’s up, Rube?” comes a voice from behind them.
Rube and his two goons turn, and I’m startled by the sight of Joel Ruddick. He’s with Kwami and an older kid I don’t recognize. Immediate tension fills the store as the guys sort of face off, three on three. Joel and Kwami always seem so chill when I see them, but right now they look hard.
Oh, shit. I rush out from behind the counter, ready to yell for them all to get the hell out. I’m not getting fired over a stupid fight. But what I see is not what I expect. Rube suddenly sheds his bully persona, trading it for a teddy bear attitude.
“Hey, what’s up, man?” Rube says with a smile. “Joel, right? Yeah, I remember you. I know your brother, Marcus, too.”
Joel stares at him, unsmiling. He and his friends look like complete gangsters as they glare at the three Hillside guys, who seem to have lost all the bravado they walked in here with. Kwami and the other guy continue to pin them in place with stares while Joel looks at me.
“How you doin’? Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I say automatically. I don’t want to be a punk and admit that Rube was bothering me, especially since it seems he already knows.
Joel looks at Rube and says, “See you ’round, man.” But Joel doesn’t move. Neither do his friends.
“Yeah, all right,” says Rube, and he takes the cue, strutting away with pride, acting like he didn’t just get kicked out. His friends follow, throwing shade over their shoulders but keeping their mouths shut. Kwami and the other guy walk to the entrance after them, almost as if they’re keeping guard to make sure they actually leave.
I let out a sharp exhale and mutter a long curse
about Rube that I’d been holding back.
Joel grins. “You could probably take that chump down if you wanted to. Quick hit to the throat. He’s a big-ass baby.”
I try to smile but still feel too gross. “He’s friends with my ex—”
“I know.” Joel’s quick response sends a ripple through me. He knows?
“Oh.” I swallow. “Well, thanks. That’s twice this week you saved me.”
He gives an easy shrug. “I’m just a model citizen.”
This makes me laugh, and the other guys join in.
“Y’all are laughing a little too hard,” Joel says with a grin. He gives me a nod as he backs away from the counter. “Take care.”
He turns and leaves me to get back to work. I watch his slow strut out of the store. Backward ball cap, fitted white T-shirt, baggy jeans, and oversize tennis shoes. I take stock of what I know about Joel. Rube said he knew his brother, Marcus, who I’m pretty sure graduated already. Rube looked almost scared. Maybe Joel really is a dealer? Whatever he is, I’m grateful he stepped in. I hate to admit that Rube scares me, but he’s never tried to hide his dislike of me, and he’s unpredictable.
If I thought I was on edge before, it’s nothing compared to how I feel after that scene.
Two hours before my shift ends I get a nice surprise when Zeb walks in. At the sight of him, some of the slithering nastiness in my abdomen disappears. Then I see he’s with two kids from our old neighborhood: that loudmouthed Rob kid and another rough-looking boy. Say what?
I pull Zebby over and whisper, “Who brought you here?”
“Rob’s mom.”
“You and Rob are friends again?”
“Yeah. He’s been cool since you busted his balls.”
Boys are so weird. I give Zeb a light smack on the back of his head and he goes off to hang with his friends. They go straight to the back corner, which has buttons and key chains with dirty phrases and cusswords. They’re all three laughing and being obnoxious. I consider shooing them out of there but stop myself. It’s harmless. I don’t want to embarrass my brother.
As I’m opening a box of sale tags I notice it gets quiet. I look over, and to my utter horror, Zeb and Rob are both sliding something shiny into their pockets. All at once, the three boys glance toward me and freeze. The kid I don’t know puts his hands up in the air, shaking his head.
I’m suddenly hot, my heart sinking in a torrent of lava. It takes every ounce of self-control for me not to hop over the counter and sprint toward them, screaming like a banshee. Instead, I don’t dare move. They are behind the rack, hidden from the security camera, and I don’t want to draw attention.
My voice is deadly. “Both of you take them out of your pockets and put them back.”
The shakes that racked me last night are back. I’m barely holding it together.
Rob looks at me blankly, like he has no idea what I’m talking about, but Zeb’s pained face holds back none of his guilt. His chin trembles as he pulls a button out of his pocket in a limp hand. Rob gives him a hard glare.
“Now you,” I say to Rob.
He huffs through his nose and pulls out a button, smacking it back onto the magnetic strip. I slowly come around the counter to face them, pulling out my phone.
“What’s your mom’s number?” I ask Rob.
The small freckles across his face pale. “I— It was his idea!” He points to Zeb.
Oh, right. Nice try.
But when I look at Zeb, he swallows. His eyes are wide and watery. He’s trying not to cry, and I realize in that moment Rob is not lying. Fear and panic rise inside me, and it’s as if my baby brother slips into a dimension I can’t quite reach.
I point to Rob and the other kid with a shaking finger. “Go. Tell your mom I’m bringing Zebediah home.”
“Are you gonna tell her?” Rob croaks.
I waffle. The right thing to do would be to tell his mom, and my mom, too, but I can’t bear to. Because it was Zebby’s idea. My sweet, not-so-innocent-anymore Zeb.
“No,” I say. “Just get out.”
The boys rush from the store, and as soon as they’re gone, Zeb’s head falls and his body is racked with sobs. I point to a spot behind the counter.
“Sit there until I’m done working.”
He pulls himself together enough to crumple into the spot I commanded. He wraps his arms around his bony knees and keeps his head down, sniffling now and then. My heart feels more ragged than it’s ever been. I can’t help but blame my parents. It all goes back to them. Especially my stupid, selfish, cheating dad.
I pace the store, robotic as I deal with customers, and feeling eternally grateful that nobody else was here when the incident happened. I hope to God Mrs. McOllie or mall security don’t look at the surveillance tape. I’m relieved when my replacement, a girl who commutes to George Mason University, shows up for the late shift, and Zeb and I can leave. I finger the coupon in my pocket that someone gave all the mall employees today: a free pretzel from Uncle Andrew’s.
I stop in front of the shop and get an almond one, Zeb’s favorite. I don’t look directly at him, but I can see him wiping his nose and face on his sleeve. We walk silently from the mall to the minivan and both climb in. I set the pretzel in his lap. Zeb looks up at me in confusion.
“It’s for you.”
“What? Why? No, I can’t.”
I turn toward him, grabbing his hand. “I love you, Zebby.” I swallow hard. “You’re a good boy who made a bad decision. But if anyone else had been there, you would be in police custody right now. I want you to think about that really hard.”
His entire face crumples, and I pull him toward me, wrapping him in a strong hug as he lets out a low, wounded wail. I know his pain, because his pain is mine, and mine is his.
“I’m not going to tell anyone,” I say. “I just need you to learn from this. Can you do that? Can you never, ever do anything like that again?”
“Yes.” He hiccups. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.” I pull away and wipe my face, then inhale deeply and put the car in drive. “Now eat your pretzel.”
I want to put him in Bubble Wrap and make all his decisions for him—better decisions than my parents and I have made for ourselves. I don’t want it to be like this for him, and it kills me that I can’t keep him safe and innocent. Why is life so hard and complicated?
Chapter Nineteen
Thursday Night
My phone buzzes as I sit on the couch with Zebby. He’s still off after what happened at the Bowtique.
It’s a text from Lin. Porpoise Beach party. Wanna go?
I’m relieved that she’s texting me. She and Monica have been quiet today, barely responding to my texts about what happened with Rube and Joel. I know they’re still annoyed, but maybe this night out will be what we need to get back on track.
Porpoise Beach isn’t really a beach. It’s a local lake with sand brought in for a makeshift beach. It’s Garrison High territory, another rival, but not as vicious as Hillside. Lin has some friends at Garrison who she knows from gymnastics classes.
Before I can agree to go, I need to clear the air.
Is Monica still mad at me? I ask.
No. She’s over it. Are you?
Yep.
Will you be mad if she talks to Dean again?
This gives me pause. Does she like him?
My heart beats too hard as I wait too long for her to respond.
IDK.
She’s lying. She totally knows but doesn’t want to get in the middle of it. Monica likes Dean. Whatever.
See u tonight, I write back.
At that exact moment, Zeb’s phone rings. “It’s Dad!” His face lights up in a way that breaks me, but the conversation ends with my brother ecstatic, punching the sky when he hangs up.
“Dad’s getting us at six and taking us to dinner and laser tag!”
What the eff? Since when does Dad take us to restaurants and fun activities? Not for years, and in t
he past it was always Mom’s idea. Where’s he getting the money? Borrowing from his girlfriend? I try to envision myself having fun with Dad, but it sickens me.
“Sorry, Zeb. I already have plans. You guys will have fun though.”
His face falls, but only for a fraction of a second. It will be good for them to have boy time. I don’t want Zeb to hate Dad like I do. I don’t want him to have to feel this way.
Mom must have heard Zeb’s excited shout because she comes out of her room, eyes rimmed in red. I can’t even look at her.
“How was work?” she asks.
“Work was fine,” I lie. “I drove Zeb home since he was there with his friends and I was getting off soon.”
“Good. I wondered if he’d make his way to see you while he was there.”
I see Zeb watching me, unsure if I’m going to keep my promise not to tell.
“Zeb’s going to dinner with Dad, and I’m going out with the girls.”
“Oh?”
I turn from her to text Dad while Zeb tells her the details: I can’t go.
Xanderia, he responds. Please come. I want to see you.
I turn from Zeb’s watchful eyes as I feel my stupid emotions sprouting. I wish Dad would act like the villain he is and not bother with fake niceness. My fingers type as I walk into the living room.
I have plans. Thanks for taking Zeb.
I swallow hard to rid myself of the urge to cry.
I miss my family. I hate this irreparable, broken feeling.
“Okay,” Mom says to both of us, sounding resolved but a little sad that she’ll be alone. On my way to my room to get ready, I hear Mom get a text on her phone in her room. I grab it off her nightstand and see the text on the screen from Dad.
You need to talk to Zae. I can’t take her attitude anymore.
My attitude? Forget that. I drop the phone back onto her nightstand and stalk to my room, slamming the door and turning on my music as loud as I can without disturbing the neighbors.
Ten minutes before Dad is supposed to show to pick up Zebby, I give my brother a quick squeeze.
“Have fun,” I tell him.
“You’re not going to stay and see Dad for a minute?” he asks.
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