The Art of Mentoring

by Shirley Peddy

  “Thanks Rachel, I couldn’t ask for anything more.”

  “Maybe not, but would you mind terribly if I give you some advice?”

  “No, I’d like to hear anything you can offer me.”

  “I really want to be sure. Unsolicited advice is generally worthless.”

  “I know. I’ve given some of that myself, and when I’ve gotten it, I’ve tended to tune it out, but in this case, it’s invaluable, so please...”

  “Okay. I offer this not as criticism but as something to consider for the future. Justin, there are three taboos in asking for money.”

  He shook his head. “I have a feeling I’ve cornered the market.”

  I smiled. “Well, listen and judge for yourself. First, avoid saying you need money. What you need or don’t need is your concern—but it isn’t thought to be To Your Health’s. In business, salaries are economic transactions based on performance and contribution, not entitlements, so what you need isn’t relevant to this discussion.”

  “Oh, that makes sense. I’ve never heard it put that way, Rachel. But what do you say instead?”

  “You say, ‘I’d like to discuss my salary.’”

  “That does sound better and easier to say too. But there’s more, so tell me.”

  “Okay, here’s the second taboo. There’s an unwritten rule in most organizations that pay is confidential. That means, people usually don’t discuss their salaries with each other. I don’t mean to imply it never happens, and if you know what others are being paid (and you trust the data you receive) it’s good information, that is, if you understand the salary structure and those factors that are considered in determining pay. However, when you’re negotiating a raise with a manager, it does you little good to bring up someone else’s salary. That’s a distraction from the most important thing, which is getting paid based on your own merit, not someone else’s. With many managers, bringing up another’s salary is a red flag and could easily turn into a discussion about how and why you obtained that information.”

  “I’m glad I made these mistakes with you, Rachel. I know you’re not like that.”

  “Justin, you don’t know that for sure, but this time your guess is right. You’re relatively new at this game that is business, and I want you to succeed. That’s why I’m sharing this with you. I hope you’re not offended. I know I sound critical.”

  “I appreciate your advice. You said there was a third taboo?”

  “Yes, there’s one more. You said it wasn’t fair. In an economic transaction like pay, that’s not exactly a winning argument.”

  “Come to think of it, I know that argument rarely works. My parents taught me that when I was a boy. I should have known better. Now I know what I shouldn’t do, Rachel, would you mind telling me the right way?”

  “Sure. Approach a salary discussion as you would any important business transaction. In the first place, you’ll want to do a little market research. That includes how the company is doing as well as what others are receiving who are doing similar work.”

  “Doesn’t that contradict what you just told me? I mean if I know what Katy is making....”

  “If you learn what someone else is making, just file that away as another piece of information. The important thing is, don’t use it as part of your argument. There are other good sources of salary information. Read the newspapers and learn what other companies are paying people who are doing your kind of work with your level of experience. You should also keep up with trade journals and other types of employment information. You might even check the pay for jobs advertised on the internet. Factor in any special qualities that impact your desirability. What have you contributed in the past? What about your education and experience? This sounds like a lot of trouble, but if you want to get a good result, it helps a lot. It’s also important to know how your company is doing financially. Right now TYH is at a crossroads. However, the fact that PWE has acquired it is definitely a good sign.

  “Next, and this is a critical factor, consider what has changed since your last raise. Is your job the same? Have you taken on more work? Is it more complex now? Have you added new skills? These are critical points for the discussion. Add to that your increased contribution and performance. Make sure your supervisor knows what you’re contributing. This is an important ongoing responsibility if you want to be successful. There are a lot of people who believe if you get in there and work your heart out, you’ll get the rewards you’re looking for.”

  “Are you saying that hard work doesn’t get it?”

  “Not at all. But what I am saying is, hard work just isn’t enough. The work you do must be recognized as significant, and your commitment to the job and the company, obvious.”

  “How can you be sure your work is significant? I mean if you’re just at the early part of your career, people may not see that.”

  “You’re right. That’s why caring and dedication are so critical. Early on you must prove you’re worthy of increased responsibility, and the only way you can do that is to go the extra mile, pay attention to detail, and not align yourself with people who complain about the company. That’s important. You’ve got a good attitude, Justin. That will take you a long way.”

  “Not if I don’t learn the taboos. Right?”

  “I think people will line up to help you. You’re an asset to any organization.”

  “Does that mean I stand a good chance of getting a larger raise?”

  “What it means is, I promise to look into it and get back to you as soon as I can—either way.”

  “What do people do when they’re not working with someone as willing to help as you are, Rachel?”

  “Well, I’ve known of supervisors who try to distract you or change the subject by bringing up their own pay or other side issues. What I’ve learned is, let them have their say, but don’t ever go down those conversational byroads with them. When they’ve finished, ask when they can get back to you about the raise.”

  “What if they just say no?”

  “Ask what the problem is. You can’t move forward until you’re aware of the obstacles. Right? I mean there are many legitimate reasons besides your performance why that could be the answer.”

  “What if they just put you off?”

  “Then set a date for follow up. That shows you’re serious and gives them time to work on things.”

  “So, in keeping with your good advice, Rachel, when shall we plan to follow up?”

  I laughed. “I think my advice is too good, Justin. Let’s make it next Friday. If you’re not here, then you can call me. Okay?”

  He agreed and pulled out the latest baby pictures. I admired them and left.

  NOTES TO MENTORING FILE

  _____________________________

  Explaining How the System Works

  One of the principal roles of a mentor is to call upon her own experience to clarify to the individual how best to handle career or pay issues. This is one of those situations when giving advice is most helpful.

  Example: Three Taboos when

  Asking for More Money

  1. Asking for an increase is a business transaction. Rather than saying you need money, say you’d like to discuss your salary.

  2. Bringing up what someone else is being paid may work against you. Organizations can always explain discrepancies. Discussing someone else’s salary is a distraction and not material to your own request. In addition, most organizations frown on employees discussing salary issues with one another.

  3. Bringing up issues of fairness rarely wins an argument.

  What to Do

  Before the meeting, do market research to see (1) how the company is doing, and (2) what someone with your skills and in your position should be making.

  What has changed since the last increase? Is the job the same? Has the level of work or complexity increased? What about your increased contribution or performance? These are the compelling issues that most support your case.

  Be sure you
r supervisor is aware of your contributions on a continuing basis.

  CHAPTER 11

  Lead, Follow and

  Get Out of the Way

  Make your friends your teachers and mingle the pleasures of conversation with the advantages of instruction.

  — Baltasar Gracián, The Art of Worldly Wisdom

  More of the letter:

  At first you seemed like a dynamo fixing the place up, worrying about the business, focusing on our petty squabbles, sharing your special brand of wisdom. Then, all of a sudden, you stepped back And said, ‘it’s all yours. I’m here if you need me.’ What could you see that we couldn’t? How were you able to pick the right moment? I’m still wondering about that.

  I wish I were as brilliant as the letter implies. I smile thinking back to what I learned in Houston under the tutelage of one very wise man. I’ll get back to that. It was Tuesday evening, and I was thinking about the day as I pulled out of my parking place. There had been an unusual flurry of activity right outside my office with Alicia getting ready to go to PWE and Judy preparing to step into her shoes for a couple of days. Most of the morning I kept the door closed and stayed out of the arena. When I left for a meeting, I noticed Alicia deep in conversation with Stuart. As I passed them, he stopped me. “Alicia tells me she’s headed for Oakville. Sounds exciting.”

  “I think so,” I said responding in the most jovial manner I could muster. Things had been pretty sticky since my last meeting with Stuart, and I welcomed any opportunity to pierce the thickening wall between us.

  “You know, I might be in the vicinity myself soon,” he added.

  “So I’ve heard.”

  “Maybe you could arrange a meeting between me and Elroy. As long as I’m in Georgia anyway, I might as well visit PWE.”

  “When you know what day you’ll be there, I’ll give him a call and see if he’s available. He is planning to come here the week of October 31st, and I know he’ll want to meet everyone,” I pointed out thinking that might change his mind. It didn’t.

  “Sure. I’ll let you know when I can be in Oakville.”

  “I’ll see what I can do,” I said. I wondered whether Elroy would welcome his visit or if he’d even be there.

  A note was waiting for me at home, pasted on the door with a Band-Aid. It was from Lucien. “You’re invited for dinner and some stimulating, witty conversation (mostly provided by you). No RSVP necessary. Seven okay?

  Lucien

  P.S. Lizzy is making stuffed chicken breasts—a delight not to be missed.”

  I smiled. The turkey sandwich I had brought home for dinner would definitely keep.

  Lucien was right. Beth’s stuffed breasts were a culinary miracle. I tried to turn down the hot cinnamon apple cobbler but to no avail. Lucien gave me a taste of his and all was lost. With dinner over, we settled in the living room. “How are things at home?” he asked. “Brad still at the grill?”

  I nodded. “He is for now—and settled in his own apartment. I keep wondering what happened.”

  Learning the Knowledge and Skills to Succeed

  “He’s just a boy trying to become a man,” said Lucien handing me several sheets of paper. “That’s why I think you’ll be interested in this article I’ve been working on. I’d like to get your comments.” I started to put them aside to read later, but it was obvious that he wanted me to read them right then. “It’s about education with the emphasis on the ‘small e,’” he said. “It’s how we become equipped with the knowledge and skills to survive and succeed in today’s complex world.” The article was titled “Lost and Found.” I was intrigued. In it Lucien wrote of the many changes that had happened in America: about working families in which both parents had left the influencing of their children to day care, to television and to a public school system under siege; about massive numbers of people from many lands moving into our country and not being assimilated into the traditions and ideas that form the cornerstone of our freedom and independence; about a “culture of compromise” in which happiness was substituted for aspiration in an effort to make everything fair.

  He wrote of the breakdown of our system of Education (with a capital E) as the result, not the cause, of these situations. “With the decline of the two-parent family, the traditions, and the culture has come a public school system plagued with too many competing ideologies and too few standards.”

  I looked up. “What do you think of it so far?” he asked.

  “Let her finish, Lucky,” said Beth, refilling my cup with ginger tea. “Rachel needs a chance to think about what you’re saying. It’s complex stuff.”

  I smiled. “Thanks for giving me a minute to put my thoughts together,” I said leaning forward in the overstuffed chair. “It’s very thought-provoking, Lucien. I get the impression you think we’re making a mistake when we blame the problem on our public school system.”

  “Right. You get what you ask for. We brought in the children who hadn’t learned about family, culture, tradition, and aspirations, and we told the schools to teach them. Then we insisted that it be done in overcrowded classrooms and with absolutely no discipline. We hired teachers and told them, ‘Get it done,’ and then we tied their hands with one-size fits all curricula, insisted it be taught in several languages, and that no one fail.” He said, punctuating each idea with a slap on his leg. “When the experiment failed, we blamed the schools. The truth is, it’s our fault. We abandoned our responsibility. So now, we get to reap what we’ve sown.”

  “Your article is entitled ‘Lost and Found.’ I’m hoping you’re going to suggest an answer. Right?”

  “I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to think I’ve found one, but something I think would help is if we could stop turning our heads and looking the other way.” His voice softened. “Look, Rachel, you’re the one who actually gave me the idea for this. Here you are at TYH for only a short time, but rather than be a typical do-nothing manager, you’ve taken on the responsibility to do something worthwhile to help others. That’s what’s needed, more people caring, more people passing down the stories of our cultures and traditions, in short, more mentoring.”

  “You won’t find me disagreeing with that,” I said, “but like it or not, we can’t stop the world.”

  “No, we can’t,” he responded, “but neither can our society survive in a system that wails against traditional values, whines about ‘fairness,’ and teaches people they are entitled to its fruits without effort. And speaking of fruits, Lizzy, do you have another piece of that apple cobbler?”

  “Life isn’t fair, Lucky, and the answer is no. If you eat any more of it, I won’t be responsible for what happens to your cholesterol. Here, have some more tea,” said Beth, refilling his cup.

  Lucien glanced at Beth’s retreating figure, sighed, and shook his head. “That woman is my treasure and my torment. I really didn’t think she’d relent. I learned long ago that no is no.”

  “It was a nice try,” I said.

  “You mean a valiant effort,” he chuckled. “Where was I?”

  “You were talking about values.”

  Passing down Values and Culture

  “Today’s world is a complex place full of ambiguities,” he continued, “but history teaches us some important lessons about how civilized people pass down their values and culture to their young. Take your pick. I’m intrigued by stories I read about the Plains Indians. Did you know, Rachel, that from the beginning of his life a young Crow boy was taught everything he needed to succeed in their world? Everyone in the tribe contributed to his education. They made sure he learned his responsibilities to the tribe and the warrior traditions, that he knew what steps he must take to become a full fledged member, and he understood clearly what the standards were.”

  “Life was simpler then,” I said, picturing a world where values were clear and understood by all.

  “Socially perhaps, but in some ways it was more complicated. As a result of this learning period, the young man became part of the soci
al structure, mentored by those who had proven themselves and receiving the counsel and advice of tribal elders. There were many skills to acquire: tracking, hunting, fighting, living off of the land to name just a few. At some point the youth had to prove his character and ability if he wished to be accepted into the war parties and to sit in the Councils. His older years were then spent replenishing the tribe by mentoring the young.

  “And that’s not an isolated example. In some African tribes, a young man was taught all the hunting skills he needed and then, as a rite of passage, was sent by himself with only a spear for a weapon, to kill a lion. The elder, who had been his primary coach, followed some distance behind the young man, concealing himself in the underbrush. His purpose was to make sure the youth didn’t get into trouble. Once the young man proved himself, he became a full-fledged member of the tribe.

  “What these and other stories suggest to me, Rachel, is a natural progression of training and preparing people for the challenges they face. I think of it in very simple terms: lead, follow and then, get out of the way.”

  “That’s an intriguing idea, Lucien,” I interjected.

  Process—Lead, Follow and Get Out of the Way

  “Listen, and tell me if it doesn’t make sense, Rachel. The lead part is the knowledge and skills passed down through the stories of the esteemed elders and learned by observing the warriors, who have earned the title of role model by proving themselves in the arena. They live the life to which the young person aspires. In short, they lead by example, not as distant icons but rather as mentors, accessible to their students and honored for their achievements.”

  “I like that image. I know full well, Lucien, that there are people out there who do that. I’ve been very fortunate to work with a few of them myself, including Elroy Grant, whose name I’ve mentioned to you.”