Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  His voice shakes as he says, “I’m the one who broke us, correct?”

  My heart drops to my stomach. Being this close to him and thinking about the day I thought he was going to propose only to be told goodbye causes my eyes to tear up. Instead of speaking, I nod my head in agreement.

  “That’s what I thought. Whatever I did, is it something you can forgive?”

  I sigh and step away from him. “Ugh, Chase, it’s not as simple as a yes or no.” From the second I opened my mouth, I lost my battle with holding my tears at bay. Chase closes the gap between us and places his hands on my face then tilts my head back. His eyes are gazing into mine as his thumb brushes away my tears.

  “Make it that simple. Tell me ...do I have the power to fix us?” he boldly questions.

  I feel like the roles have reversed, like I’m the one who’s done something wrong because I’m keeping a secret from him, one that has the power to change everything, but if he can get past that and still want me, then . . .

  “Yes.”

  CHASE

  Yes. She said yes. I’ve never heard a word sound sweeter, especially coming from her exquisite lips.

  Jordan gave me the power to fix us and I’m not about to let this opportunity pass by without giving it everything I have.

  Today we wandered around the beach, acting almost like a couple. We held hands a few times. Talked about things we might like to do while we’re here, but we kept our conversation light. I know I don’t have the power to snap my fingers and magically fix us but I’m beyond nervous I’ll say something that slams the door I’ve recently opened.

  Tonight I had our dinner brought out to our private bungalow and we ate beachside. We’re enjoying a traditional Hawaiian meal that leads to a long conversation about times we both tried strange food. As much as I love hearing her talk about herself, I also hate that nothing she says triggers a single memory.

  “College was hard, wasn’t it? I mean ...I mean, being apart?” I fumble my words as fear crashes through me. I remember being brave, trying my hardest to make her feel that everything was going to be okay, but I had my doubts. Not doubts about us, but I was afraid I’d hold her back from things she wanted to explore and learn when she moved away for school. I was also afraid that one day Jordan would grow to hate me for keeping her from an easy life, one she deserved. That was a fear that my dad definitely played on.

  “You’ll ruin that girl’s life and one day she’ll hate you for it. Where will that leave you, huh? Don’t fuck up her life and your chance to play football over some damn puppy love. There’ll be plenty of girls at school, Chase, you’ll see.”

  There are times when I have such detailed flashbacks and then other times I try so hard and I can’t remember anything, like now. No matter what I do, I can’t remember much about my time at college.

  Jordan nervously swallows before answering, “The first semester was the worst. The second one was a little better and from there it got easier over time.” She turns her head away from me to gaze out at the ocean. I sense this is a topic she’d rather not discuss, and while my fear of upsetting her hasn’t gone away, I know we have to move past this conversation if a future for the two of us exists.

  Jordan’s tormented eyes glance quickly at me before she frantically looks away again. Maybe learning about who Jordan is today is a safer tactic. “I think it’s safe to say that we don’t live together. I heard you say something about New York. Is that where you’re living now?” I hold my breath, waiting for her to answer. I hate the idea of us not living together, but it’s hard to stomach the thought that she lives so far away.

  She blinks at me a few times before nodding her head, but that’s it, that’s all I get from her. I hiss out a frustrated sigh before trying again.

  “What do you do in New York?” Her features relax.

  “I work at a company called Natural Cosmetics.” Cosmetics? Nothing about that sounds right. Jordan is naturally beautiful and she doesn’t wear a lot of makeup, yet she’s working at a company that sells them.

  “Is that your dream job or is it just a job that pays the bills?”

  She stops to think about her answer. “Well, I didn’t grow up dreaming about working in that industry, but I do enjoy my job. The people I work with are great and it’s in New York, which I love.”

  “You won’t consider moving back to Arizona?” I rush out.

  Whatever is going through her mind has her thinking about how she should respond. “I love New York. That’s where I’ve lived for the past t—” She bites her bottom lip before continuing. “I’ve lived in New York for a while now. That’s where I consider home to be, and yes I have a career. Those are all reasons why I’m not sure things between us could work.”

  I want to ensure her we’ll be fine, but she’s right. If she lives in New York and I live in Arizona, then there will be a good chunk of time that we’d have to spend apart. On the flip side, I’m not sure if or when I’ll be released to play football, or if I even want to. If someone made me choose right now between Jordan and football, then it would be Jordan hands down. And that tells me everything I really need to know about the future I want.

  “Do you ever go back to Oak Cove?”

  She quickly shakes her head. “No. My parents moved and my grandparents have passed away since we were in high school. How about you, do you go back very often?”

  My chest tightens after learning about her grandparents. They were the reason she moved to Oak Cove in the first place, and I don’t recall hearing about their passing.

  “I’m sorry about your grandparents. And to answer your question, yes. I think.” I groan as I rub my hands over my face. “God, it fucking sucks that I can’t remember certain things. My parents still have their house in Oak Cove, and if I recall correctly, I usually spend time there during the offseason.”

  As I say that out loud, I wonder how long Jordan and I have been apart. Telling her I go to Oak Cove feels right, but wouldn’t she know that?

  Jordan must sense I’m about to lose it because she gives me a brilliant smile and changes the subject. “Do you want to go for a swim?”

  She’s watching me carefully, waiting for me to respond, but my mouth is dry and words won’t form, so I nod my head yes.

  “Okay. I’m going to go put my suit on.” I would love to tell her she doesn’t need to wear one, but this beach isn’t completely private and it would be just my luck that someone would walk by and see her delectable body.

  As Jordan hops to her feet, I clear my throat. “I’m going to call guest services and tell them we’re done with dinner.”

  Jordan gives me another quick but beautiful smile before turning away and heading inside. After I call the front desk, I step inside. Jordan is in the bathroom with the door shut. I grab my swimming trunks and quickly drop my pants and briefs. I barely get them on when the door opens and Jordan steps out, provoking a surge of indecent thoughts to travel through my head.

  She nervously chews on her lips as she watches me watch her. Her long dark hair falls over one shoulder. Her tits are barely covered by two very small pieces of fabric. And her tanned legs ...fuck, they go on forever. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve seen her this way, but this is exactly how I remember her.

  I swallow and clear my throat. “Jordan.” Her name comes out as a plea, a plea for so much more.

  “Are you ready to go?” Her voice shakes with the same nervous energy that’s coursing it’s way through my body.

  I nod my head. “Come on, let’s get in the water before I toss you down in the sand and show you how much I like your swimsuit.” Her face turns red again before she spins around and heads out to the beach, leaving me to follow behind her.

  We wade out into the water but neither of us knows what to say until Jordan breaks the silence.

  “What made you decide to buy a new phone?”

  I look at her and shrug, unsure of what I should say. I could be honest with her and tell her
about the text. More than likely I wouldn’t be in a huge amount of trouble, seeing how Jordan lives in New York and has for a while. It is entirely possible whatever I did with that woman happened after she left. But at the same time, I risk bringing up a topic that has the power to destroy us, and right now it’s not worth the gamble.

  Dr. Wallace and Dr. Stein are the other reasons I changed my number. I’m skipping my appointments with both of them this week. I made a deal with Dr. Wallace that I would take my post-care seriously if he allowed me to leave the hospital, and within a day I went back on my promise.

  Maybe I should snap a few pictures of Jordan in her bikini so he can get the big picture. That being here with her is better than any medicine he could prescribe me.

  Jordan waves her hand in front of my face. “Hello, Chase? I asked you a question.”

  “Oh, yeah, sorry. Looking at your enticing body could render any man speechless.” She gives me another shy smile but she doesn’t blush nearly as much as she has at my past few comments.

  “People I don’t remember meeting have my number. I’m sure everyone that has it is someone I’ve met at one time or the other, but I don’t like that.” I shake my head. “Actually, I hate it. I hate that my brain is playing tricks on me. I don’t like games, I don’t like dishonest gestures and I don’t want someone in my life because they’re hoping to get something from me. And how do I know if they’re real or not if I can’t even remember meeting them before?”

  We’re standing in the water, letting the waves slowly rock us back and forth, but were not enjoying the scenery because our eyes are locked.

  “That would be a pretty freaky feeling. Looking at someone and having no idea how well they know you. Wondering about everything you’ve shared with them.” She understood what I meant, that I was talking about other women, but she doesn’t appear mad, just receptive to my feelings.

  How is it this woman beckons me on a level I’ve never known without her? She captivates me in a way I haven’t felt in ...Shit, my brain almost let something in and then it was gone, like a door slammed shut. I was just about to say it’s been forever but that’s not possible.

  “Chase, are you okay?” she softly asks, taking a step closer.

  “I don’t know. It felt like I was about to remember something but then my brain shut off.” I shrug but I can’t shake off the strange feeling I’m left with.

  Jordan reaches out and brushes her hand up and down my arm. Her touch is more healing than a thousand appointments with Dr. Stein could ever be. God, I love this woman.

  “You didn’t remember because you’re not ready to, not yet. Whatever thought you almost had will come back when you’re equipped to handle it. And when that happens, I’ll be here with you.”

  Just moments ago I felt weak and exposed, but Jordan’s words give me the strength I need. This woman ...damn. She inspires me in ways I didn’t know were possible. And right now I want to show her without words how much I need her in my life.

  I pull her tight against my body and lean down. Then I do what I’ve been waiting days for ...I kiss her.

  JORDAN

  His lips move against mine, his tongue politely seeking entry into my mouth, which has me giving in and allowing him to take over. This kiss brings back a thousand forgotten ones and my body inflames, causing me to groan softly into his mouth.

  “Do you want to go back to our room?” I hear him ask as I slowly open my eyes, peering up at a man I desperately want. My body is fully awake and I’m ready to impale myself on him.

  I shouldn’t. God, I shouldn’t do anything with him, but knowing that and doing it are two entirely different things.

  “Yes,” I softly beg. Chase pulls away from me but keeps his eyes locked with mine. I can see lust and possibly even love shining back at me.

  “No, I want to be very clear. Jordan, I’m asking you if you’re okay if we go back to our room so I can make love to you.”

  I was pretty confident that’s what he was asking but it feels strange, almost awkward that he laid it out for me because ...now I’m making a choice and not just acting in the heat of the moment.

  Right or wrong, I want everything he has to offer me. I only hope I don’t regret it later. “Yes, Chase, that’s exactly what I want.” The fire I see in his eyes burns even brighter with my answer.

  “Then let’s go, beautiful.”

  Before I have the chance to move, Chase leans down and picks me up, causing a slight scream to slip past my lips. “You’re not afraid I’m going to drop you, are you, baby?”

  “No. Never.” My answer is like a whisper and a plea all in one because whatever happens from here on out, I hope that Chase Adams never drops me again.

  “Never. We may not always end our day in the same bed, but we will always end our day in each other’s hearts.”

  Inwardly I scream like a girl, but on the outside, I’m trying to keep myself under control. He just soothed every irrational fear I’ve had about the two of us. Right or wrong, I want him to do exactly what he just promised me.

  When we get back into our room, Chase slowly places me down on my feet and then stands back to take me in. My hair and swimsuit are wet. I’m sure what little makeup I have on is smeared, but the way he’s looking at me, I don’t think any of that matters.

  Chase licks his lips then reaches behind me and pulls at the knot that was keeping my top tied in the back. When he lets go, my top pops up and exposes both of my breasts. The longing in his eyes heats even more as he unties the knot at my neck and allows my top to drop to the floor.

  He slowly slides my bottoms down until gravity takes over and they fall to the floor. I step out of them. As Chase stands, his hands run up my body and stop at my breast. His fingers pinch one of my nipples as his mouth latches on to the other.

  Lust shoots straight down my spine and spreads throughout my body. I didn’t realize I had my eyes shut until Chase steps away from me and I’m forced to open them to see what he is doing. He’s stripping himself of his swim trunks, leaving him just as naked—and standing directly in front of me.

  My mouth waters as I take in the adult version of the boy who captured my heart. He’s much bigger than I remember, but then again, a lot of things are different about the teenaged boy I once knew.

  He steps towards the bed and motions for me to join him, and I do without hesitation. I lay down as Chase crawls up the bed above me. I’m staring into his perfect eyes as he brushes my hair away from my face.

  “Why does it feel like it’s been forever since I’ve touched you like this?” My heart speeds up. Don’t lie; don’t lie . . .

  “Because it has been a long time,” I say as my eyes water.

  “Never again. We belong together. We’ve always belonged together. You’re mine and I’m yours. Forever.” A tear slips out and down my cheek, but Chase quickly brushes it away.

  If only a week ago someone had told me that I would be here with Chase, I would have thought they were crazy. But somehow, in a matter of only a few days, we’ve sealed the gap that’s kept us apart.

  “Before we do anything else, I want you to know that I love you.”

  I gasp for a breath of air. Oh God ...My voice cracks as I say, “I think deep down, even during the darkest of times, I’ve always known that you loved me.”

  He smiles down at me. “Good, because you’re worth everything I have and I will sacrifice it all in order to be with you.”

  Before I have the chance to say anything else, Chase is kissing me again. As his mouth moves against mine, his hand travels down my stomach and stops between my legs. He deepens our kiss as his fingers find my clit. He starts rubbing me in a perfect, light circle that’s sure to bring me to a climax, but then he slows his movements as he pushes a finger inside of me. My hips start to move as he begins to fuck me.

  Chase adds another finger while his thumb continues moving in perfect circles. He pulls his mouth away from mine while I groan from the magic he’s making
my body feel.

  His eyes shine down into mine. My body starts to tingle as I grasp a hold of his upper arm then moments later I’m shamelessly coming on his fingers, riding out the amazing orgasm he’s given me.

  Ten years ago, Chase made my body feel things it never had before. Tonight he showed me the adult version of the boy I once dated. He knew exactly what he was doing and he lit my body on fire. It’s only because of how incredible I feel that I won’t allow myself to think about how he’s learned his new skills.

  “I know you think I brought you here for this but I really didn’t. I wanted us to be alone, away from anything that could affect us negatively; but I didn’t bring you here for sex, therefore . . .” He stops to clear his throat. “I didn’t bring any condoms with me. I know we’re married but I’m still confused where we are in regards to each other. At the hospital, I had a full health screen so I happen to know for a fact that I’m clean. But . . .” He trails off as his eyes continue to consume mine.

  I wonder how he’d react if I told him it’s been over ten years since he last had sex with me. I won’t, though, because right or wrong, I want this more than my next breath.

  “I’m on the pill and you don’t need to worry. I’m clean, too.”

  A look of relief washes over him and I don’t know if it’s from me giving him the okay or the fact that I know I’m clean. Like maybe I’m clean because I haven’t been with anyone else, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

  “Are you ready for this?” I slowly nod my head. I’m not sure I have the strength to actually form words. He holds my eyes as he fills me inch by glorious inch.

  As I feel the burn from my tightened walls being stretched, I know I will be sore, but I don’t care. I want to commit every detail to memory of our second first time. I bite my lip as I feel the pain followed by pleasure. I close my eyes for one split second to memorize the feel of him inside me once more.

  “Jesus, you feel—I can’t. God, you feel pure. Perfect. Mine.” His eyes flare with lust. “Yes, mine. Forever mine,” he mumbles as his eyes gloss over with desire. Chase starts rocking back and forth, his hips slamming into my body with a force that shows the need he has to consume me, and already I’m on the verge of a second climax, but Chase pulls out and flips us around so I’m on top.