Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  The majority of our problems have stemmed from Steve Adams and the control he has over his family. I’ve always known this, but I am surprised that Chase and Donna have finally realized this for themselves.

  “He’s your dad, Chase. I’m sure you’ll still see him.”

  “No, I’m done.” His answer was quick and sharp as if he’s already come to terms with what this means for him.

  “I’m sorry.” I don’t particularly like Steve but I love my father and I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life.

  “That right there is why I’m fighting for you. My dad’s actions have cost you a lot—cost us a lot—still you feel sorry about me cutting him out of my life.”

  “Um . . .” I mumble, not sure what I should say to his unexpected remark about fighting for me. “I don’t have to like your dad to feel bad for you. You’ve always respected him, looked up to him, and now . . .” I trail off with a shrug because I have a hard time believing he’s really done with him.

  “I did respect him. I did look up to him, and by doing that, he cost me everything other than my mother that’s ever mattered to me, including my football career that he so desperately thinks he’s been protecting.”

  “You’re done with football?” I softly ask. He looks sad but with a hint of pleasure as he answers me, “I’m done playing it, but it will always be a huge part of my life.” His answer feels cryptic, like there’s something more he’s not telling me.

  “When did you say you’re leaving for your parents?” And he’s back to fishing. The sudden change in our topic has me smiling.

  “I didn’t. I’m going to get some work done in my office in the morning then I’ll probably get on the road by mid-afternoon.”

  He suddenly looks sad and I know I shouldn’t care but I’m a sucker, especially where he’s concerned. “Are you going to be spending Thanksgiving alone?”

  He smiles. “Nah, don’t worry about me.” And I shouldn’t worry about him, but for whatever reason I do, and I think I always will.

  “Oh, well, I was going to say if you’re going to be alone then maybe you could come to my parents’ house and have dinner with us.”

  Chase perks up at my invitation. “Oh, I didn’t realize your parents lived that close to the city.” He gives me another beautiful smile that sends flutters to my stomach.

  “They live about an hour and a half south of the city. I don’t know if you’re renting a car or—”

  “I can. I will, I mean, if you’re sure it’s okay that I come.”

  Honestly, I have no idea how my parents will react to seeing Chase, but the idea of leaving him all alone even in a city with millions on Thanksgiving will eat me up inside.

  “Okay, I’ll text you their address.” Chase stares at me for a few seconds before giving me a sexy grin.

  “I’m looking forward to it, beautiful.”

  Oh good Lord, what did I just get myself into?

  CHASE

  I couldn’t care less if I spend Thanksgiving alone or not. All that matters is that Ma and Jordan are happy. My mother I’m not too sure about, but I know I need to give her time to move forward with her life now that she’s leaving my dad. Jordan made me one happy man when she unexpectedly invited me to join her at her parents’ house. Since I joined the NFL, Thanksgiving and Christmas are two holidays I don’t typically get to participate in, but I’m looking forward to today and spending Thanksgiving with Jordan and her family. The address Jordan gave me is to a nice two-story house right on the water in a coastal town in Jersey. The size of the town reminds me a lot of Oak Cove, small but not too small.

  I park my rental and walk up to the wraparound porch. Before I have the chance to knock on the door, Jordan’s father, Doug Taylor, steps outside with a stern look on his face. “Chase.”

  I remember Doug and Janette Taylor being amazing parents. They supported and loved their daughter exactly the way I plan to do with my own children one day. After I left Oak Cove, I often wondered what they thought of me. By the looks of it, it isn’t good.

  “Hello, sir,” I say, extending my hand for him to shake.

  Doug gives it a long, hard look before he finally takes it and gives me a firm shake. Doug clears his throat. “I don’t know what your intentions are regarding my daughter, but if you ever hurt her again, I will hunt you down and show you how skilled I am with a gun.” I let go of his hand as my heart speeds up.

  As I watch him closely, I realize he’s not joking. Doug is a retired military officer, which means he probably has more experience with a gun than anyone I know. And right now, by the way he’s looking at me, I know he meant every word.

  “Next to my wife, my daughter is the strongest woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I’m not about to stand by and watch you break her again.” His words send a pain through my body. All I ever wanted to do was help build Jordan up, but no matter my intentions, I seem to do the opposite.

  “Mr. Taylor, I wish I had the power to change the past but I don’t. If I did, there are a lot of things I would do differently, starting with the night I broke up with Jordan. I don’t know if I have a shot in hell with her, but I promise you that if I do, I’ll be willing to stand in front of your gun without a fight if I hurt her again.”

  I’m nervous to the point that my hands are trembling. I respect this man and I lost any respect he had for me when I single-handedly broke his daughter’s heart.

  Doug sighs and his shoulders start to relax. I’m not positive but I think by admitting my failures and not trying to make excuses for them, I may have redeemed myself a little in Doug’s eyes.

  “Come on in, my girls are in the kitchen.” His girls.

  I love the pride Doug has when he talks about his family. That was something that stood out to me the first time I had dinner at their house. The four of us sat down, talked about our day, and I remember clearly wondering if all families were like that because mine certainly wasn’t.

  When I walk inside, I look around and then I instantly freeze. This is why Jordan hated my house in Scottsdale. The Taylor’s don’t live in a house; they’ve made their house into a home. I have no idea how long they’ve lived here but it’s more of a home than my parents’ house in Oak Cove. Pictures are on the wall in no particular order, the furniture looks comfortable but doesn’t necessarily match, and there’s a blanket thrown over the side of a chair. This room is inviting and it definitely seems like someone uses it regularly.

  I’m brought out of my trance when I hear the magical sound of Jordan’s laughter. When I look over at Doug again, waiting for him to take the lead, I see that his eyes are searching mine for something but I’m not sure what.

  “This way.”

  The two of us walk towards the back of the living room that’s connected to the dining room then we enter the kitchen where Jordan and her mother are still laughing. Jordan’s body goes solid and her laughter stops when she spots me.

  “Oh, hey. I didn’t know you had made it to town yet.”

  After her comment, her eyes wander to her father’s, and I can tell she’s questioning what he might have said or done already.

  “Your dad spotted me pulling in. Thank you for allowing me to tag along today, Mrs. Taylor.”

  Jordan’s mother greets me with soft, gentle eyes. “You’re more than welcome, Chase. Dinner will be ready soon. Can I fix you a drink?”

  “No thank you.”

  “Chase, Jordan informed us you might not be playing in the NFL anymore.” Jordan starts biting her lip as she looks over at her dad like she wasn’t expecting him to repeat what she told him.

  “Yes. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear my career playing football will be as long as most players, but I’m still fortunate enough to have years of playing under my belt.” I’m nervous and I’m positive they can tell.

  “If you’re not playing football then what do you have planned for your future?” Doug fires back.

  To an outsider, I’m sure it looks
like the second my career is over I went running back to Jordan, but it’s actually the opposite. It’s because of Jordan I’m tossing in the towel before I fuck myself up past the point of having a future.

  “I wasn’t released to play the rest of this year, but it appears that I could play next year, withstanding a full medical check. However, the risk of playing no longer outweighs the future I’d like to have, which is why I officially retired and accepted a job in New York.”

  At my announcement, Jordan gasps and places her hand over her chest. “Doing what?” she asks without taking her eyes off of me.

  “I’ve lived and breathed football every second of my life, and even though I have a degree in marketing, I feel like football is all I know. Yesterday I became the newest Human Resource Coordinator for the NFL. My office is at their headquarters in New York City.”

  The room is eerily silent until Mrs. Taylor speaks up. “Well, that’s wonderful news, especially if that’s what you want to do.” This right here is what I missed out on in life. If that’s what you want to do. Outside of Jordan, no one, including my mother, has ever cared about what I wanted.

  “Jordan, why don’t you go set the table,” Janette says, breaking the tension in the room.

  “I’ll help you,” I quickly add. Jordan gives me a smile that makes my heart race. Maybe knowing I’m going to stick around will help break down the walls I’ve caused her to build.

  JORDAN

  Thanksgiving consisted of my parents, two aunts, an uncle from my father’s side of the family, Chase, and me. Being an only child that’s not married and has no children, our family is fairly small. My dad has an older sister and a younger brother, who came along with his wife, but none of my cousins are close enough to attend.

  Being a small, tight-knit family, there wasn’t a person at the table that wasn’t aware of the history between me and Chase, but everyone treated him with kindness, which I don’t think Chase was expecting.

  After dinner was over, the older adults headed to the family room to visit while Chase and I went for a walk down the beach.

  “Your family is wonderful.” They are and I’m lucky enough to appreciate every moment I have with them.

  “Thanks. How’s your mom doing?”

  He takes a deep breath then sighs. “Ma says she’s okay, but I’m not sure I believe her. I was willing to go to Arizona or Florida today and spend time with her but she kept insisting she’s fine and wants to be alone.”

  When Donna called and begged me to come see Chase, I wasn’t surprised at the lengths she’d go to make him happy. She loves her son and would do almost anything for him, except go against Steve. That’s why I’m still shocked that she’s asked him for a divorce.

  “Your mother is a strong woman. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” Chase is acting awkward all of a sudden and I don’t understand why. “Do you want to go out on a date this weekend when you get back to the city?”

  I chew on my lip for a moment. I knew he’d eventually ask me this, but that doesn’t mean I’m prepared to answer him. “I don’t know.” I breathe out a sigh. “Where you’re concerned, Chase, I don’t always use common sense. Have you ever heard of the saying, ‘Past behavior predicts future behavior’? If that’s the case, then I need to run far away from you.” I try to laugh off my remark, but we both know my words were anything but funny.

  I see the pain in his face. “God, I hope I’m the exception to that rule.” His jaw tenses. “But ...maybe I’m not.” He gives me a sad smile.

  “I still—God, Jordan, there’s so much I need to tell you. So much happened after ...after I left Oak Grove.” He swallows loudly. Chase’s body is coiled tight with tension as his mind drifts to his past; a past I wasn’t a part of. “I went off the deep end after we broke up, and I almost screwed up my life worse than I already had, but that’s a story for another day.”

  “Did you get married? Do you have a child?” I nervously ask.

  “God, no,” he rushes out, which instantly settles my nerves.

  “You’ve made remarks about going off the deep end but I’m not sure you actually did as bad as you think you did.”

  His eyes widen with alarm. “I didn’t get married and I don’t have a child, but I did fuck up big time, and if you’re willing to go out with me, then I’ll share my past with you. But make no bones about it, I’ll be hoping and praying you still want anything to do with me afterward.”

  I’m not a nosey person, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I desperately want to know about Chase and the past that seems to haunt him.

  While I’m trying to decide what to say, Chase takes my silence to mean something else. “Does your hesitation have anything to do with the guy that was at your apartment Sunday morning? Is he your boyfriend or something?” he asks, his nose scrunched up in what I think is disgust.

  “He’s not my boyfriend but we have gone on a few dates,” I say with a shrug. Chase sighs but keeps his eyes locked with mine.

  “He pissed me off, and I wasn’t kidding when I said I could be moody. I sent him a text after one too many drinks Saturday night and he showed up Sunday to apologize. However, as you already know, I wasn’t in the mood to listen to him.” I groan. I didn’t mean to tell him about Caleb, but the truth slipped right out of my mouth.

  “I’m glad he’s not your boyfriend, but even if he was, I’d still fight like hell to win you back.” Kryptonite. Fucking kryptonite, that’s what this man is to me and this is exactly why.

  “Chase, I’m not sure I’m equipped to handle the kind of heartbreak you dish out, and if you want me to be honest—right or wrong—I’m not sure I’ve forgiven you for hurting me.”

  His eyes are gentle. “Good thing for you I’m better equipped than I once was. I won’t be dishing out any more heartbreak. I’m ready to serve up a happily ever after but only to one person, and I’m willing to wait however long that takes.”

  I push back the tears that threaten to fall. I’ve waited a long time to hear those words, but now it’s time to decide if I believe him. “Okay, this weekend we’ll talk, but at this point, that’s all I’m promising.”

  His shoulders relax and a grin forms on his face. “I’ll take it.”

  I wet my lips and Chase’s eyes follow the path of my tongue. I clear my throat, causing his eyes to shoot straight to mine.

  “Well, it’s starting to get late, so I better get back to the city,” he hesitantly says.

  My heart drops to my stomach and I’m alarmed at how quickly my emotions flip because I’m already sad that he’s leaving when minutes ago I thought I was ready for him to go.

  “Would you walk me in so I can say thank you to your parents?”

  I nod my head yes. The walk to the house is made in silence. I glance over my shoulder as I open the door, only to find him staring at my ass, which causes me to burst out laughing.

  “What’s funny, dear?” my aunt asks, but I shake my head and mutter a quick “Nothing.” I turn to look at Chase, finding humor in his eyes.

  “Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, for having me. I hope I get the chance to see you again.”

  “You’re welcome here anytime, Chase,” my mother says. A full round of goodbyes happens then I walk him back out to his rental.

  “Drive safe and I’ll talk to you soon,” I tell him.

  “Goodnight.” His voice is soft, and I swear I can see lust and desire in his eyes. With another smile, he gets in his car and drives away, leaving my fragile heart a few beats away from cracking open.

  CHASE

  A lesson I learned early in life is that money can buy you a lot of things, including information. For a steep price, I found out what floor and apartment Jordan lives on, and for an even steeper price, her neighbors were willing to move. Of course Jordan is unaware of this and hopefully, after I unburden my past on her, she’ll still want to see me, especially once she learns I’m her new neighbor.

&nbs
p; Originally, I thought I would wait until I was positive I have a future with Jordan, but once she admitted the guy from the other day is someone she’s dating, I knew I needed to make sure I had an in. And what better way in could I have than living across the hall from her?

  Hopefully, she’s not having sex with the guy because if she is and I have to listen to it, then I’ll head back to Asbury Park and borrow her dad’s gun to kill the asshole with it.

  By the time Jordan returned late Saturday night, I had her old neighbors moved out, but I didn’t have enough time to move anything into my new place. I was inside the apartment when she returned, so I immediately sent her a text.

  Me: I hope you made it back safely.

  Seconds later, my phone signals a message.

  Jordan: Actually, I just got home.

  Me: Good. Want to get together tonight?

  She replied the first time in a matter of seconds, but this time it’s taking her awhile. Knowing Jordan, she’s thinking about her response.

  Jordan: Depending on where your hotel is, it could take you a while to make it here with the weekend traffic.

  Instead of replying, I get up and walk out my door then knock on hers. A few seconds later, she opens her door with a startled expression. “The traffic wasn’t bad.” I can’t help the shit-eating grin that takes over while she stands there staring at me. “Can I come in?”

  “Um ...sure,” she says, still confused. I turn and walk past her, leaving her to guess how I arrived so quickly. When I look around, I see a different version of her parents’ house. Everything is nice, neat, and clean, but her place also looks very relaxed.

  “I can tell why you hated my house in Scottsdale so much. This place is incredible. I bet you decorated it yourself.”

  I hear her draw in a breath before she finds her voice. “I live by myself, so of course I decorated my apartment.” I stop and take a long look at her. She can’t begin to understand how different she acts compared to a lot of people that have money. I lived alone and I paid a professional to come in and decorate my house. I ended up living in a museum.