Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  The shy smile on her face causes my chest to tighten and only proves what I’ve known for twelve years: this is the woman I’m meant to spend my life with.

  JORDAN

  I’m attempting to unlock my door when I hear Chase behind me. “How was your day?” I jump and drop my keys on the floor, which he quickly picks up.

  “My day was fine. Were you waiting for me to come home?” I ask. Instead of answering, he gives me a sexy smile as he hands me my keys. When it’s clear he isn’t going to give me an answer, I turn around and unlock my door then step inside with Chase right behind me.

  “What did you do all day?” I ask while I strip off my coat then promptly ditch my heels.

  “Nothing, really. I answered a few emails and texts, watched some mindless TV, but other than that my day was uneventful.”

  The Chase I once knew was always a busy person. Between his dad, school, football, and work, he had a high demand on him at all times. Right now, he seems a little lost talking about how boring his day was.

  “I’m sure you’ll find your groove soon. When do you start your job?” Chase is staring at my chest, but once I clear my throat he looks up, not caring in the slightest that I caught him ogling me.

  “Your job? When do you start?” I repeat.

  “Hopefully soon. I’ve officially retired but nothing has been made public yet, and I can’t start until it has.”

  I motion for him to sit down on the couch. “Is this your normal time to get home from work?” Today is the Monday after Thanksgiving and my first workday since Chase became my neighbor.

  “Nothing about my work or hours falls in the normal category. Some days I get home before the sun sets and other days I barely get home before it’s time to go to bed.”

  Chase’s eyes thin, like he didn’t like my answer. “But your job ...you like it?” I can’t tell what he’s thinking but he seems confused.

  “I love my job. Shortly after I arrived in New York, my grandfather told me the company would be mine if I wanted it. I was only eighteen and I couldn’t imagine running a company. As my college years passed and I started to settle into life here in the city, I decided this was where I was meant to be.”

  Chase is staring at me with an odd expression, probably because during the two years we were a couple I never talked about my grandparents’ empire. “I was given my position as CEO versus actually earning it and that has proven to be a challenge, but I think in the last few years I’ve finally proven myself to my employees. It’s the rest of the city that still seems to judge me.” Chase turns his head, giving me a confused look.

  “It’s been hell on my dating life,” I say with a laugh, but the second my comment slips out, I regret it. Chase’s shoulders tense and his head drops.

  We were separated for ten years. We both have pasts, relationships that have involved other people, and while discussing it in detail might not be a great idea, we can’t ignore the last ten years, either.

  “Have you dated a lot?” he softly asks. I watch him closely for any indication that I’m opening a door that I shouldn’t.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I’m not sure I would say a lot, but yes. I’ve dated my fair share of men. What about you?” I really don’t want to know the answer to this question. I’m acting like what he’s about to say is no big deal, but my heart is racing and it feels like it could shatter at any moment.

  “No. I’ve never dated anyone.” My eyes naturally narrow. “I said dated,” he quickly adds then sighs. “Jordan, I fucked up the day I told you we needed to take a break. I knew within seconds I had given up the best thing that had or probably ever would happen to me.” He breathes out a sigh.

  “After being with you, women in general didn’t hold the same appeal. I lived ten years going through the motions of life, but I wasn’t really living.”

  After my first semester of school, I stopped trying to picture the life he was living and, truthfully, there was a time when I hoped he was suffering, but I cared about him too much to want him to live ten years with this amount of regret.

  “Things happen for a reason, Chase. We don’t always know or understand the reason. Right now, that’s the best thing we can hold on to.”

  “When I heard you say we’d never been married, my memory didn’t just suddenly come back. I was confused, and to be honest, I was pissed that everyone allowed me to look like a fool.” He cast his eyes to the floor again after admitting how everything has affected him.

  “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

  “No. You have nothing to be sorry about. After I decided to get off my ass and really start talking to Dr. Stein, my memory—at least, most of it—started to come back. I know why I woke up thinking you were my wife because that’s what I’ve been wishing was the truth for years.” He clears his throat. “I’m surrounded by people every day but I was lonely. Those four years of college probably would have been hard on us but I’m sure we would have come out the other end a stronger couple. And in my head, we would have been married by now, probably with a couple of kids. That thought wasn’t just in my head the day I played my last game ...I’ve been picturing what my life would have been with you for the last couple of years.”

  My heart drops. He’s been thinking about me for years? I’m not sure what to say because the same doesn’t hold true for me. By the time I graduated college, Chase was a distant memory. He was the boy that broke my heart and nothing more. I had to think that way because I was still set on the idea that the perfect man was out there waiting on me ...I just never imagined that man being the same person that broke me ...that broke us.

  “Life definitely turned out different for me. Different then how I imagined when we were together,” I tell him.

  “How do you imagine it turning out now?” His question was quick and his eyes are penetrating mine. He’s asking if I’m picturing him in my life and I’m not sure I should.

  “I learned it’s best not to expect life to turn out a certain way. That way, when it doesn’t happen, the fall doesn’t hurt nearly as bad.” His eyes are still locked with mine as I give him another blow, one I could keep to myself but to move forward he needs to truly understand the level of hurt he inflicted. “Chase, the day you broke up with me, the day you asked me to meet you in the park, I thought ...I thought you asked me there to propose. I walked into that park thinking I was going to become Mrs. Chase Adams, and I walked out with a broken heart, one that even ten years later hasn’t completely healed.”

  Chase’s body is locked tight with tension while his eyes are blazing with fire. “You had every reason to believe I’d ask you to marry me, and while it doesn’t change a damn thing right now, I want you to know that’s exactly what I wanted. That’s exactly what I should have done.”

  I sigh and shake my head. “You’re right. It doesn’t change a thing.” His eyes painfully close. I hate how deep our conversation has turned and I’m ready to lighten the mood.

  “Are you hungry? I was planning to fix dinner.”

  A gentle smile crosses his face. “I’d love to eat dinner with you.” And just like that, the tension from our conversation melts away.

  CHASE

  I might have a slight addiction—one that’s worse than any drugs I’ve taken—and that’s my obsession with Jordan Taylor. She goes to work and I start a countdown in my head until I think she’ll be home.

  I know I’m bored, which is a new concept to me, but never in my life has a clock moved so damn slow as it has since I’ve moved in next to Jordan. I’ve gone out, bought new shit for my place, and I’ve found a few restaurants nearby I like. I even purchased a membership at a gym a few blocks from our apartment building, but I can only work out for so long. To help kill time, I’ve even gone out Christmas shopping for my mom, and I’m seriously embarrassed to tell anyone how much TV I’ve watched in the last few days. But as soon as the evening rolls around, I jump and run to my door the second I think I hear her return. Which is exactly w
hy I know she just arrived home.

  I gave her roughly ten minutes before I knock on her door. I’m hoping that’s enough time to avoid looking like a stalker, which I almost am.

  I knock a second time and she opens her door with a smile on her face. She’s already in casual clothing, meaning she either ditched her work attire the second she arrived home or she didn’t come from work.

  “Hey, come in,” she says as she steps back, allowing me to come inside. The moment I’m in her apartment, I spot a vase filled with flowers—expensive flowers, if I had to make a guess.

  “What are those?” I ask, pointing towards the vase as Jordan’s eyes follow my hand.

  “Flowers?” I can’t tell if that was a question or an answer.

  “From your parents?”

  Jordan nervously bites her lip. “No.”

  Fuck. My eyes search for a card but I don’t see one. I wonder if it’s the same douchebag that was waiting on her last week or if I have more than one guy I’m competing against.

  “What are your plans for the holidays?” Jordan obviously doesn’t want to discuss her flowers or the person that sent them any more than I want her to have them.

  “I don’t have any. What about you?”

  Her eyes scrunch. “What do you mean? Your mother hasn’t made plans to be with you?” Ma has checked out on life, at least where I’m concerned. But I’m not mad. She needs this time to figure out who she is and I have no desire to leave New York or Jordan to fly across the country—at least not until I know where I stand with Jordan.

  “No, she’s not ready to have a family thing yet. She’ll get there,” I add.

  Jordan walks around her sofa then takes a seat, waiting for me to do the same. Every night this week I’ve come over to her apartment. We usually end up eating dinner and watching TV but that’s where we stop. Neither of us has tried to take it a step further, and with those damn flowers sitting behind us, I have to wonder how quickly I need to make my move.

  “I usually go to my parents’ house for Christmas. Even though it’s freezing, I love sitting out on the beach on Christmas day. I’m sure if you don’t have plans my parents will be okay with you joining us.” She gives me a beautiful smile.

  “I would love nothing more than to spend the day with you and your family,” I say.

  My mood lifts instantly. Someone sent her flowers—flowers that are screaming “Pick me!”— but she just made plans with me for Christmas day. I might not know what I’m up against, but I know I’m not about to go down without a fight.

  CHASE

  I see Don as I make my way inside my apartment building. I’m about to greet him with a smile when I spot my father sitting in the same chair I used the day I waited forever on Jordan.

  “What are you doing here?” I question as my nerves fray. My father has always been firm and demanding, which in turn means everything is his way or else.

  “I thought you would come to your senses by now, but I guess your head is more screwed up than I thought.” My breathing picks up as his comment consumes my good mood from earlier.

  “How dare you,” I say. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Don’s eyes go wide with shock.

  “How dare I? You have a lot of nerve, kid. After everything I’ve done for you, you just up and fucking quit? You don’t even wait to see how next year might play out?” he growls, trying but failing to keep his voice quiet.

  I shake my head in disgust. I can’t believe it took me twenty-nine years to see my father for what he truly is. On some level, I’ve always known he was working his own agenda, but I never thought he’d continue to push if my health was at risk.

  “You don’t seem to understand this, but this is my career. This is my life, and I’m the one that has to live with the consequences.” My voice was soft but firm.

  “Just like that? You can walk away from the only thing that matters?”

  I narrow my eyes and growl, “No, not just like that. Finally, I’m able to walk towards the only thing that matters.”

  My dad looks at me with pure disappointment. A few months ago, it would have bothered me, but not anymore.

  “What kid in their right mind doesn’t dream of being a professional player? But at some point in my life, it stopped being my dream and became yours. You’ve spent years trying to convince everyone—including me—that this is what I wanted but that was crap. I wanted Jordan and you wouldn’t listen to me, but I’m done with that. I let her walk out of my life to please you and I’ve spent the last ten years miserable.” He flinches slightly but otherwise remains quiet. “I could be married, still happily playing ball, and probably would have a few kids by now if I hadn’t listened to you. I still want that life. One that includes people I love and family that will have my back no matter what, but unfortunately, right now, that doesn’t include you.”

  His irritation is clear as day. “You’ll regret this. One day you’ll regret giving up your career for a girl.” My eyes drift painfully shut. When I open them, I draw in a deep breath.

  “Instead of fighting for Ma, you’re here fighting for my career—something I’ve already given up. Maybe if you had given Ma even an ounce of the effort you’ve put towards my career you’d have a good marriage. Instead, yours is heading towards a divorce.”

  His eyes flash with anger. “That’s none of your business,” he says, barely above a whisper.

  “None of my business? You’re my parents, of course this is my business.” I lean in closer. “My life in the NFL was none of your business, but how you treat my mother sure as fuck is.”

  He scowls, baffled as to how to handle me. I’ve never stood up to him before and I can’t for the life of me understand why I waited until now to finally say what I feel. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do to fix your relationship with Ma, and at this point, I’m not sure if there’s anything you can do to fix things between us, either.” To my surprise, a look of pain and maybe even sorrow crosses his face. “Go home, wherever that is, and live your damn life for a change. Maybe one day I’ll forgive you, but that isn’t going to be today—or anytime soon, for that matter.”

  My dad swallows and slowly shakes his head as I spot Jordan standing next to the main entrance. I have no idea how long she’s been there or how much she’s overheard, but I smile and hold my hand out for her, which she gladly walks over and takes.

  “Mr. Adams,” she mumbles as she stands next to me. My father’s eyes latch on to our connected hands before looking me in the face and sighing. I’m not naïve. I know my father isn’t going to magically change his opinion about my relationship with Jordan, but I think he might be admitting defeat.

  “It’s nice to see you again,” Jordan says, trying her best to be polite. Instead of answering her, he stands in front of us for a few seconds before turning and walking out of our building.

  I knew at some point I would have to face my father, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen today.

  Jordan squeezes my hand. “Are you okay?” she questions with concern.

  I shrug. “I don’t know.” Still holding her hand, I turn us towards the elevator and push the button.

  After the doors open and we step inside, Jordan steps in front of me and wraps her arms around my waist. “I’m sorry.” She breathes into my chest.

  “Me, too,” I say as I wrap my arms around her. “I wish he’d see how great life could have been with my mother if he even tried for a second to focus on his own life instead of mine.” Everything good in my life has happened thanks to my father, but the same can be said for everything bad that’s happened.

  Jordan pulls back and studies my features for a moment. “I think deep down your father’s motives came from a good place. He’s just not capable of seeing past what he thinks is right.” My father has never been nice to Jordan, and I didn’t stand up for her when I should have. Instead of hating both of us, she shows me compassion, something I’m positive I don’t deserve.

  “Thank you.�
��

  Her eyebrows scrunch. “For what?”

  “For being you and for allowing me a place in your life.”

  Jordan gives me a beautiful, almost shy smile as the elevator doors open. “You hungry?”

  Normally, anytime I have had to listen to my father rip into me, all I want to do is be left alone, but tonight I want to be with Jordan. “Starving,” I add with a smirk, causing her to laugh.

  “Good, because I have dinner all planned out,” she tells me as I follow her inside her apartment, feeling happier than I have in a very long time.

  JORDAN

  Chase has lived in New York for close to three weeks now and two of those weeks he’s been my neighbor. Every night when I get home from work, he finds a reason to wander over. We usually end up spending an hour or two catching up on the last ten years. When our conversations wind down, he heads back to his apartment. The thing that surprises me the most is he hasn’t once tried to make a move on me. Not even a kiss. Our hug in the elevator the day his father showed up was the last time we shared a real moment—a moment I thought was a step closer to starting a relationship. A part of me is disappointed that nothing has happened since, and the other part of me is relieved because I don’t want to mess up this unique friendship we’ve formed.

  Not that long ago, Chase told me he could never be just my friend, but maybe that’s changed. Either way, I’m in a dilemma. I need a date—or it’s highly suggested that I go with a date—to an annual Christmas gala in which Natural Cosmetics is a major contributor, and as the CEO, I’m expected to attend. Last year I went with Derek Brooks, the same man that tends to call me anytime he wants a date without a hassle—the same man that keeps sending me flowers—but I haven’t actually spoken to Derek in months, and I’m not sure I want to open that door again.

  Asking Caleb would be wrong. He texted and called me off and on for a few days after the morning he showed up at my place, but I told him nothing was going to happen between us. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since before Thanksgiving and the last thing I want to do is lead him on by asking him out.