Coastal Erosion

by Rachelle Paige

  Even with his sunglasses on, the glare of a bright day had him rubbing his temples. He ambled down the street from Nathan and Sons toward the coffee shop on the corner in Brunswick. He kicked a rock he stumbled over on the sidewalk. Already the heat from the ground crept through the pavement and into the soles of his shoes. His meeting with Kim wasn’t for another day. But he couldn’t stay at his grandmother’s house, not working and not talking to her. He hadn’t figured out what he’d say. He’d only decided that maybe he needed to listen.

  A bell overhead jingled as Landon pushed into the shop. He’d barely slept all weekend. Anger, doubt, frustration all had boiled over into one mess of emotion. He hadn’t dealt with any of it. When he’d finally gotten back to campus after a weekend spent justifying his relationship and his plans to his parents, she’d disappeared. He’d lost track of his phone on his way back to her and every call he made went unanswered. His parents had come to graduation, ready to meet the woman he’d told them he wanted to spend his life with, but she hadn’t been around for the meeting.

  They didn’t know about the baby. He hadn’t shared that news with them. He knew if he did, they’d think that was why he was rushing to marry her. He knew the truth. He wanted to be with her and didn’t see any reason why he should wait. He wouldn’t be more sure of his choice with more time. He’d only have lost out on happiness.

  I don’t think I’ve ever explained that to her.

  The specifics, the details of the last few weeks together had been blurred in his memory. Earlier in their relationship, the first dates, their trip, and their nights together had stayed perfectly crystal clear. But the final weeks had been a hectic, chaotic time. Finding the house, studying for finals, learning she was pregnant, buying the ring, running home to tell his parents, and driving back to get to her, he couldn’t remember the exact chronology. His memories were shaded by his emotions. Thinking back on that time had his stomach and fists clenching with stress.

  “Next? Sir? Next?” a voice called but it wasn’t until a finger prodded him in the back that he connected the words with himself.

  “Oh, sorry. Just the largest coffee size you have, the darkest roast, no creamer or sugar.”

  “Rough weekend?” a deep voice chuckled behind him.

  Landon glanced over his shoulder after sliding cash to the barista. When he saw Paul, Nathan chuckled. He suddenly felt the weight of his sunglasses on his nose and pulled them off, tucking the pair into his shirt.

  “Not for any good reason,” Landon replied in good nature, prepared for the ribbing.

  “Here’s your order sir,” the barista called out to him, holding the drink out.

  Landon grabbed the coffee and took a long sip as he stepped to the side to let Paul order next. The strong brew had him puckering as if he’d sucked on a lemon. He rarely drank coffee but when he did, he had to go strong enough to grow a few more chest hairs.

  “You walking to the office?” Paul asked after grabbing a pastry bag and cup for himself.

  “Why not?”

  The men exited the building and strolled along the sidewalk. The pace let him knew Paul thought he was hung-over. If he kept it up, he’d make it to the office by lunchtime. Not that he needed to be there at all. Except he’d hoped he might be able to approach her and not have her flinch or back away. He still didn’t know how to phrase an apology or get her to listen to his explanation. I thought the worst of you in a moment of red-hot anger. He wanted to slap himself.

  “I’m surprised to see you,” Paul began. “We can’t start moving forward until Kim’s received all the proper permits. I thought you might be meeting with some other firms to get the ball rolling on the other aspects of development.”

  “Yeah, I think Kim wanted to meet tomorrow. I just thought I’d stop in and see if there was anything else she needed me to do or recommended. I want to make sure I’m doing this right.”

  Paul nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “You are, but Kim is a good one to ask. She’s great at follow through. She’ll make sure all the paperwork is filed correctly. And she is a part of the community over there. She’s respected.”

  “I would hope so after all her work with the city and the SCL,” Landon replied.

  And then froze in place. He put his free hand up to his temples and massaged. Tell me I thought that and didn’t say that. Tell me I didn’t just throw her into the ocean. When he dropped his hand and glanced over at Paul, he went cold, despite the warm morning.

  Paul stared at Landon as if he’d just announced he was actually the Queen of England. Landon watched as Paul’s lips pursed and he shook his head in disbelief.

  “I’m so sorry that I’ve put you in that position,” Paul apologized.

  Landon peered over Paul’s shoulder and then down the sidewalk. He cast his eyes anywhere but at Paul. Because hearing an apology when he didn’t deserve one made him feel terrible. He would have preferred Paul punch him in the stomach then tell Landon he was sorry. And Landon didn’t want to meet his eye to let on that he had realized the conflict of interest from the beginning. He’d rather seem like a fool because he was new to business than the truth. That he was and had always been a fool for her.

  “I will get this sorted out I promise.” Paul’s gaze was unwavering when Landon finally met it.

  “Paul, it’s okay, it’s fine, really…”

  But Paul shook off Landon’s concerns, swiveled on his heel, and stalked down the pavement and into the front door of Nathan and Sons. Landon didn’t find his feet until he’d watched the door shut behind Paul. Then he tossed his still full coffee into the nearest trash and tore off after Paul. He didn’t need any caffeine. He had enough of an energy boost from that exchange.

  By the time Landon strolled through the door, he nearly collided with Kim as she crossed from her desk to the conference room. She froze, took a step back, and glared at him.

  “Kim, now please,” Paul’s voice echoed off the ceiling and floors.

  “I’m sorry,” Landon mumbled.

  The crease of her forehead told him her confusion. But she shook it off and continued on her way. Landon fisted his hands in his pockets and paced in front of the door. When he walked one direction, he caught fleeting glimpses of the conversation behind the glass. Grateful he couldn’t hear their words, he saw Kim seated at the table, her hands folded and her head bowed. Contrite. He’d never seen her like that before. He hated the expression. He heard the door to the conference room open and turned.

  She walked out, her head high, but he heard the sniffle as she passed him. Landon silently retraced his steps and stood outside. The dull ache of not sleeping had turned into a forceful, urgent pounding in his head. He needed to go home and sleep. He needed a lot of things. He leaned with his back against the wall, one foot braced against it too. The warmth of the sun lulled him into closing his eyes for a second. When his head jerked up, he realized he’d fallen into a quick nap. The slam of the door next to him had him off the wall in a flash.

  Holding a box before her, Kim teetered under the weight in her heels as she determinedly stalked away from the building. Landon caught up to her and tried to grab the box from her. Kim pulled away from him as if he’d scalded her.

  “Come on, Kim.”

  “No, please stop. Go back to Savannah. I have a nice life here. Why did you come? To mess everything up for me?”

  “Kim please, I didn’t mean to—”

  She crossed the sidewalk and stepped off the curb to her truck. She dropped the box on the hood, fished out her keys, and then shoved her belongings into the backseat. She hopped in and turned over the engine. Landon stood by and stared. Unable to protest or offer any help or be useful at all. In two steps, he was off the curb and at her window. He couldn’t let her go.

  “Save it, Landon,” she yelled through the rolled-up window. “Because I don’t care. At least I’m off your project now. So we never have to see each other again. Goodbye.”

  All of Brunswick prob
ably heard her. He hung his head in shame and stared at his feet. He’d seen the red eyes when she’d said her parting words. Maybe he should just go home. Landon walked back down toward the coffee shop and hopped in his own car. He wanted to drive after her. He longed to stop this nonsense. But he needed sleep. Or he’d mess up even worse. Driving from Brunswick back to the Pier Village in record time, he was surprised to open the front door and catch his grandmother still at home at her dining room table.

  The woman lived as if she had a housekeeper, a butler, and a chef. Landon had marveled nearly his entire life at the spotless home she kept, the delicious meals she prepared, and the ease of her hosting skills. He remembered summers spent at the beach or the golf course with impromptu dinners and parties nearly every week. A golden time in his life, he’d loved those years with her. In many ways, she’d understood him when his own parents hadn’t. He’d been raised with the finest of everything, nearly always catered to, but something about the lifestyle seemed false. His grandmother’s luxury, however, was both appealing and envy inducing because she worked hard to achieve all of it.

  “Landon, honey, are you going to stand in my foyer with the door open all morning?” she called out from the dining table, glancing up at him from over the top of her Limoges tea cup, a full tea service set in front of her.

  “Sorry,” he said, turning to shut the door and crossed through the foyer and kitchen into the dining room. Not quite an open floor plan, the home did have gracious openings making every room feel very connected.

  He pulled a chair out at the dining table and sank into it. His grandmother gestured to the tea service but he waved her off.

  “Grandmother, can we talk about something that no one has ever talked about with me?”

  He watched her perfect posture tighten even more. She set the teacup back in its saucer, clasped her hands together on the table, and then met his gaze.

  “What is it, honey?

  “Why did I start spending summers here?”

  The whoosh of breath being drawn in had him quirking his eyebrow.

  “You don’t know?” she asked, her voice low and quiet.

  He shook his head from side to side.

  “That was the summer your mother lost the baby. Your mom and I… After everything it was the least I could…”

  She closed her eyes and he reached over to cover her hands with his. He’d seen many sides of his grandmother throughout the course of his life, but he’d never seen her cry. He’d never witnessed anyone in his family fall into a fit of tears or despair.

  “I pushed your mother hard her whole life,” she continued, her eyes still shut, her hands resting in his.

  The bony fingers that held such strength and power in his opinion felt delicate and fragile. She’s a person. She can break. He’d never connected those thoughts with his grandmother before. She’d been his rock, in many ways the only person he felt truly understood him. But she’d kept secrets from him just as sure as he’d done the same to her.

  “Eventually, I pushed your mother away,” she said, opening eyes and gazing straight into his. “I love your mother so deeply. But I never connected with her. Her lifestyle was so different from mine. I started working at age sixteen. Your mother grew up in luxury and continues to live grandly. I had a difficult time understanding her and respecting her problems and issues. Eventually she left. She packed up and moved south to go to college in Savannah and she never came home.

  “I kept hoping she would. I kept hoping she’d come back. But she fell in love with your father and built a home in the South. I finally gave up when she was pregnant with your sister.”

  “My sister?” Landon took in deep breath.

  He’d grown up all alone. He’d begged his parents to give him a sibling, but they’d always patted his hand and changed the subject. They never replied to his request. Long buried memories floated back to him. Mother being too exhausted to attend any of his events and games in fourth grade. Father acted extra solicitous to Mother. And then, without any explanation, he’d been shipped out to St. Simons Island to spend the summer with the grandmother he’d only known through presents and photographs.

  When he’d first arrived at this house, he’d been so mad, hurt, and scared. She’d sensed that and hadn’t pushed him. She got him like she’d always known him. He could talk freely with her and not be reprimanded or admonished. She listened. In less than a day, he’d relaxed and they’d started forging their relationship. The strength of her had inspired him in his weaker moments and as a kid growing up he counted down the days until he came back to St. Simons on the calendar in his room.

  “Yes. Your mother had gotten pregnant with you practically at the wedding ceremony. So they weren’t worried about trying for another baby for a few years. But then something had changed and she couldn’t get pregnant. She went to doctor after doctor until she was told there was nothing anyone could do and miraculously she got pregnant again.

  “I realized you were growing up and I didn’t know you. And I wanted to and I wanted to know your sister. I sold my pied a terre in the city and bought this house here. I thought I’d be close enough to visit but not too near that your mother and I were getting onto each other’s nerves.”

  “But she’s never been here,” Landon interjected and then swiftly bit his tongue.

  “No, she hasn’t.” His grandmother dropped her gaze from some point past his shoulder to stare at her hands. Again, he’d let his familial bonds weaken the manners ingrained in him. And again, he put her in a difficult spot, reliving old hurts. But maybe he had to drop the politeness with her. Maybe he should with his parents too. Maybe instead of helping him navigate social settings the same rules of etiquette had facilitated his family keeping each other at arms reach.

  “I’d been down here for a month when she fell in the shower,” she continued as he opened his mouth to apologize. “She was six months pregnant at the time. The baby died. I called your father to find out how I could help, and he asked me if you could come visit. I jumped at the chance, and we had such a good time that summer your parents and I decided to make it an annual occurrence.”

  “Why didn’t I know about any of this?”

  “Your mother was considered old to be having a baby although so many celebrities are far older now. Anyway, there was always a chance the baby wouldn’t make it. But they’d just had a check up the day before and been told that everything looked good. Your mother was devastated.”

  He nodded his head. Losing a baby hadn’t ever been a real concept to him. Until the past weekend. Until he lost a baby. With time to cool off from the revelation, he’d eventually come to the realization of why he’d been so upset. Their baby represented all his hopes and dreams for their future. He’d kept going through the years thinking his family was off somewhere safe waiting for him. But in reality, he was on his own and she was too. Something else was going on that he couldn’t quite figure out. The facts he had didn’t fit.

  A slim hand reached across to rest on top of his. Grounded back in the present by her touch, he tried to make sense of this new information about his mother. Guilt washed over him as he replayed the years of judgment he’d leveled against his mother for not giving him a sibling. He’d spent his life under the burden of the family name without any one to help carry the load. He’d been mad at her for that, never realizing her struggles. And throughout she remained sweet and kind and never rose to his bait for a fight.

  “Don’t be like me,” his grandmother said, interrupting his thoughts. “Don’t be proud. Be a good son and make things right. Don’t push away from your father.”

  “What do you mean?” Landon drew his hands away, suddenly defensive, on edge.

  He sat on the edge of his chair, ready to jump away. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a second. He didn’t want to meet her stare and see the hurt in the depths. He’d always felt the underlying tension between his mother and grandmother. He didn’t know that he wanted or nee
ded confirmation of something he was powerless to change.

  “Don’t push away from him. I know you’re hoping to start your own company here. I know you want more than just being a legacy. But don’t be so concerned with your reputation that you distance yourself from him.”

  Her earnest words had him considering her. He wanted to reassure her but he couldn’t. His relationship with the man had always been complicated. Part idol, part jailer. He grew up equally longing to be with the man and longing for his freedom and own identity.

  “Grandmother, you know it’s not like that. He’d be happy for me to follow in his footsteps and take over his company one day. But how will I know I’m any good if a successful business is just handed to me? I need to earn my title.”

  “I get it. Believe me I do. I kept trying to get your mom to be something else and to work hard to fight when she didn’t have to. She didn’t have to have that drive and ambition that I did. Her life was easy…and then when she finally did have something to fight for, struggling for years with getting pregnant again after you…she didn’t open up to me. The most she let me do was take you for the summer so you wouldn’t see her cry all day long.”

  She reached for his hands, taking them in hers this time.

  “I love you Landon for who you are and to be honest I’m scared for the parts of myself I see in you. Because I want more for you. I want love for you and companionship.”

  “I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me,” he mumbled.

  “Okay, but don’t push it away.”

  He nodded. She was right. He was pushing love away. When the postman handed him the little package ten years ago, he’d ripped it open but thrown out the padded envelope. Thinking back now, he could admit that he’d been so angry with her when he got his ring back he wasn’t thinking clearly. Maybe she’d left a return address on the envelope, a way to track her down. He’d put the ring on a chain and worn it every day since. He didn’t know if for years it had been some sort of talisman to ward off any other potential love interest, which had been few and far between, or in the hope that when he found her again he could give it back.