The Crazy Rich Asians Trilogy Box Set

by Kevin Kwan

  “You’re a funny one. No wonder you get along with my son, with all his funny ideas.”

  “I’ll take that as a compliment, Auntie Elle.”

  • • •

  The sunken garden behind the music pavilion had been transformed into an al fresco ballroom. Hundreds of candles in antique crystal orbs sparkled in the eucalyptus trees surrounding the garden, while old-fashioned klieg lights cast a silver-screen glow onto the dance floor.

  Astrid leaned on the stone balustrade overlooking the garden, wishing her husband could have been here to dance with her under the moonlight. The phone inside her minaudière gave a quick buzz, and she smiled, thinking Michael must have just read her mind and pinged her. She got out her phone eagerly and found a text message:

  Hope you’re enjoying the wedding. Guess what? Had to come to San Jose on business. If you’re staying in CA for a few days, let’s meet up. Maybe San Francisco? I can send my plane to pick you up. There’s an Italian place in Sausalito I know you’d love.

  CHARLES WU

  852 6775 9999

  The guests began gathering on the terrace to watch the newlyweds have their first dance, but before the music started up, Colin suddenly began clinking loudly on his champagne glass to get everybody’s attention.

  “Hello everyone, I’m Nicky’s best man, Colin. Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore anyone with a long-winded toast. I just felt that on this most special of occasions, the happy couple needed a little surprise.”

  Nick shot Colin a look that said, What the hell are you doing?

  Grinning from ear to ear, Colin continued, “A few months ago, my wife and I ran into a friend of Rachel’s at the Churchill Club.” He looked over at Peik Lin, who raised her champagne glass conspiratorially. “It turns out that all through college, Rachel would play a certain song over and over until it drove Peik Lin up the wall. And guess what? I just happen to know it was one of Nick’s favorite songs too. So Nick and Rachel thought they would be dancing to some romantic waltz by the San Francisco Symphony right now, but they’re not. Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome Mr. and Mrs. Young to the dance floor for the very first time, accompanied by one of the world’s greatest singers.”

  With those words, a band of musicians entered the small stage at the edge of the garden, followed by a petite woman with a shock of platinum blond hair. The crowd began to scream in excitement, while many of the older folks looked utterly baffled by all the excitement.

  Nick and Rachel stared first at Colin and then at Peik Lin, their mouths agape.

  “I can’t believe it! Did you know anything about this?” Rachel exclaimed.

  “No! Sneaky bastards!” Nick said as he led Rachel onto the dance floor. The first chords of a familiar hit song began to fill the air, and the crowd roared in approval.

  Philip and Eleanor Young stood on the steps leading down to the garden, watching as their son twirled his bride around with debonair ease. Philip glanced over at his wife. “Your son is happy at last. It wouldn’t hurt for you to smile a little too.”

  “I’m smiling, lah, I’m smiling. I’ve been smiling till my face hurts at all those annoyingly friendly relatives of Rachel’s. Why do all these ABCs talk to you as if they think you are their best friend? It’s so presumptuous. I was all prepared for them to hate me.”

  “Why would they hate you? You ended up doing a very good deed for Rachel.”

  Eleanor began to say something, but then changed her mind.

  “Just say it, darling, you know you want to. You’ve been wanting to tell me something all night,” Philip egged her on.

  “I’m not so sure Rachel will think I did such a good deed once she really gets to know her new family.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Mr. Wong e-mailed me a new report late last night. I need to show it to you. Frankly, I think I might have made a mistake getting mixed up with the Baos in the first place.” Eleanor sighed.

  “Well, it’s a little too late, darling. We’re related to them now.”

  Eleanor gave her husband a look of abject horror. It was the first time this had occurred to her.

  • • •

  Nick and Rachel swayed together to the rhythm of the song, feeling almost delirious with happiness. “Can you believe we really pulled this off?” Nick asked.

  “Not really. I’m waiting for the next helicopter to land.”

  “No more helicopters, and no more surprises ever, I promise,” Nick said as he twirled her around. “From now on we’re just going to be a boring married couple.”

  “Oh, please! When I decided to walk down the aisle with you, Nicholas Young, I knew I’d be signing up for a lifetime of surprises. I wouldn’t want it any other way. But you have to at least give me a clue where we’re going on our honeymoon this summer.”

  “Well, I had all these grand plans that involved the midnight sun and a few fjords, but then your father just asked if we would visit him in Shanghai as soon as summer break starts. He’s eager for you to meet your brother, and he swears he’ll hook us up at the most romantic spots in all of China. So what do you think of that?”

  “I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever heard,” Rachel said, her eyes lighting up with excitement.

  Nick pulled her into an embrace. “I love you, Mrs. Young.”

  “And I love you. But who says I’m going to take your name?”

  Nick frowned like a hurt child, and then broke out into a grin. “You don’t have to take my name, hon. You can be Rachel Rodham Chu for all I care.”

  “You know what I realized today? Rachel Chu was the name my mother gave me, but it turned out not to be my name. And even though my father’s last name is Bao, that really wasn’t his name either. The only name that’s truly all mine is Rachel Young, and that’s a choice I’m making.”

  Nick gave Rachel a long tender kiss as the wedding guests broke out into applause. Then he waved for everybody to join them on the dance floor, and as Cyndi Lauper continued her song, the newlyweds began to sing along:

  If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me,

  time after time.

  * * *

  * Kopi is Singlish slang for coffee. “Kopi license” refers to any sort of license or certificate that was obtained not by true merit but by paying a small bribe to an official—enough for him or her to buy a coffee with. Though the term is used to insult doctors, lawyers, or some other qualified individual, it is most often used while swearing at bad drivers, who surely must have bribed the examiner in order to pass their driving test. (Believe it or not, Asians can sometimes be bad drivers too.)

  PART TWO

  If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

  —DOROTHY PARKER

  1

  KO-TUNG CONSULTING GROUP

  SOCIAL IMPACT ASSESSMENT

  Prepared for Mrs. Bernard Tai by Corinna Ko-Tung

  April 2013

  Let us be completely frank and start with the obvious: Your former name was Kitty Pong, and you were not born on Hong Kong Island, Kowloon, or any of the surrounding islands that make up the former British Crown Colony of Hong Kong. Remember, for the crowd you seek to impress, your money means nothing. Especially these days, when twentysomething Mainlanders have burst onto the scene with billions apiece, the old guard have resorted to new ways of stratifying themselves. What matters more than ever now are bloodlines and when your family first made its money. Which province of China did your family originate from? Which dialect group? Were they part of the tightly knit Chiu-Chow clans, or the Shanghai émigré class? Are you second-, third-, or fourth-generation rich? And how was the fortune made? Was it in textiles or property (pre–Li Ka-Shing or post-1997)? Every minute detail matters. For instance, you can have ten billion dollars but still be conside
red nothing more than a speck of dirt by the Keungs, who are down to their last hundred million but can trace their lineage to the Duke of Yansheng.*1 Over the next few months, I intend to change the narrative about you. We will take your most embarrassing biographical details and turn them into assets. We will do this in a variety of ways. Let us begin.

  APPEARANCE

  Physique and Features

  First of all, the breast reduction was one of the most astute moves you could have made, and your physique is now optimal. Before your surgery, your hourglass figure only served to fuel the rumors of your cinematic extracurricular activities, but now you have the body shape considered ideal to the women you seek to cultivate—delicately emaciated, with just a hint of a well-managed eating disorder. Please do not lose any more weight.

  I must also commend your surgeon on a remarkable job on your face (remind me to get his name from you—for some of my other clients, of course). The rounder curves of your cheeks have been sculpted down and your nose has been exquisitely reshaped. (Admit it: You copied Cecilia Cheng Moncur’s nose, didn’t you? I would recognize that patrician bump anywhere.) But now you run the risk of looking too perfect, and this will only incite jealousy from your social competitors. So please refrain from any further procedures in the immediate future. No more fillers for now, and the Botox injections to your forehead are also no longer necessary, as I would like to see a few fine lines develop in the area between your eyebrows. We can always erase them in the future, but for the time being, possessing the ability to make tiny frowns will allow you to convey empathy.

  Hair

  Your long jet-black hair is one of your best features, but the high ponytails and dramatic updos you currently favor convey a look of aggression. When you enter a room, the ladies immediately think, “This woman is either going to steal my husband, my baby, or my yoga mat.” I recommend wearing your hair down in a more layered look for most occasions, and swept into a relaxed low chignon for formal occasions. Your hair also needs to be colored to add some brown lowlights, as this will soften your features overall. I will refer you to Ricky Tseung at ModaBeauty on Seymour Terrace in Mid-Levels. You are no doubt accustomed to some overpriced salon located in one of the fancier hotels, but trust me, Ricky is someone you must cultivate. Not only is he a bargain, he is the hairdresser of choice to ladies from the best families—Fiona Tung-Cheng, Mrs. Francis Liu, Marion Hsu. When you first meet Ricky, tell him absolutely nothing about yourself (he will already know far too much). Over time, I will craft anecdotes that you can share with him (i.e., your daughter’s ability to sing “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly” in a perfect Cockney accent, the injured Siamese cat that you rescued, anonymously paying for a former teacher’s chemotherapy bills, etc.). These tales will make their way into the ears of all the right ladies. Note: You do not need to tip Ricky, since he is the owner of the salon. But occasionally, you can feed him some Cadbury chocolate. He loves expensive chocolates!

  Makeup

  Your makeup, unfortunately, requires a complete overhaul. The tofu-milk skin and cherry-red lips no longer suit you—now that you are a respectable wife and mother, it is essential that you no longer appear like the unattainable object of fantasy for pubescent boys. We need to create a visage that is pleasing and nonthreatening to well-bred women of all age groups. You want your color and complexion to look as if you only spent fifty seconds on it because you were too busy repotting tulips in your garden. I will accompany you to Germaine, my beauty consultant at the Elizabeth Arden counter at Sogo Causeway Bay. (You need not actually buy all your new products at Arden—they are far too overpriced. We can pick up new cosmetics at Mannings Pharmacy, but you will buy one or two lipsticks at Arden in order to qualify for the free consultation and makeover. I may also have an additional coupon for a free gift with purchase—please remind me.)

  Other Grooming Suggestions

  Discontinue the use of nail polish in red or any shades of red. (Yes, pink is a shade of red.) This is nonnegotiable—you must remember that we have the Herculean task of removing any connotations of talons, claws, or grasping hands from your person. If I could get you to wear white gloves or wrap your fingers in rosary beads all the time, I would. From now on, get used to nude nails or monochromatic tones of beige. For special occasions, Jin Soon’s “Nostalgia” is a shade of pink beige polish that I will allow.

  In order to further avoid being mistaken for one of those girls who have been set up with a driver and a one-bedroom flat in Braemar Hill, you will also discontinue use of any perfumes or scented products. I will provide you with an essential oil made from ylang-ylang, sage, and other secret ingredients that will make you smell like you have been baking apple tarts all morning.

  WARDROBE

  I know you have been working with a top Hollywood fashion stylist who introduced you to couture and gave you an avant-garde look. Well, that look achieved its goals—you were noticed. But one of my most urgent goals is to purge you from the photo sections of all the magazines. As I have mentioned to you more than once, the sort of people you are now striving to cultivate prize invisibility more than anything. When was the last time you saw Jeannette Sang or Helen Hou-Tin in the party pages? I’ll tell you the answer: ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR AT MOST. There has been far too much conversation about and coverage on your clothes, and you are more overexposed than the Venus de Milo. It’s now time to evolve into your next persona: Mrs. Bernard Tai—dedicated mother and humanitarian on the rise.

  (Please do not ever refer to yourself as a “philanthropist” again. It is the height of pretension. If anyone asks you what you do, say: “I am a full-time mother, and I do some part-time charity work.”)

  My assistants and I have done a full assessment and audit of your closet, and you will find that all apparel and accessories deemed appropriate remain as they are, while inappropriate clothing and accessories have been relocated into the second, third, and fourth guest bedrooms (with some additional overflow in the Karaoke room). I hope you are not too alarmed by the rigorous edit we have done. I know the average outfit in your wardrobe costs more than a semester of tuition at Princeton, but it makes you look like a community college during summertime: NO CLASS. From my tally, there are twelve pieces remaining in your closet that are still fit to be seen in public, and three handbags. (Four, actually—I will allow you to carry the Olympia Le Tan “To Kill a Mockingbird” book clutch on special occasions, only because it has such noble connotations.) Please see APPENDIX A, which lists all approved designers and brands for your new wardrobe. Any designers not listed there are off-limits for the next year, with one exception: You should under no circumstances wear Roberto Cavalli ever again. Please do not think me brutal: I have specially curated this list in order for you to be dressed elegantly—but forgettably—in daily life. As Coco Chanel said, “Dress impeccably and they notice the woman.”

  For big functions (and you will only be attending a few in the next year), we will choose an elegant gown that exudes a quiet luxury. (Please google “Queen Rania of Jordan” for some examples.)

  JEWELRY

  The vast majority of your jewelry is of such a size and flamboyance that it crosses the point of vulgarity and enters into a territory that can only be described as obscene. Don’t you realize that at your age, big gemstones only serve to make you seem older? As they say, “The larger the diamonds, the older the wife, the more the mistresses.” You do not need to look like a sixtysomething matron who has been placated with jewels by a husband who is keeping girlfriends in every province of China. All the pieces not listed below—especially the 55-carat diamond ring given to you by Her Majesty the Sultana of Borneo—should be stored in your vault for the foreseeable future. Evening jewelry for official functions will be negotiated on a case-by-case basis, but your daytime jewelry will now be restricted to the following:

  • Wedding band (not your Tiffany one but your original wedding ring from
the Little Chapel of the West in Las Vegas)

  • Graff 4.5-carat diamond solitaire ring

  • Mikimoto pearl stud earrings

  • Lynn Nakamura Tahitian black pearl drop earrings

  • K. S. Sze single-strand champagne pearl necklace

  • 3-carat pear-shaped diamond earrings (to be worn only with extremely casual sportswear—which creates a refreshingly unexpected juxtaposition and makes the size of the gemstones acceptable)

  • L’Orient ruby ring on tension mounting

  • Carnet orchid brooch

  • Pomellato Madera quartz ring

  • Edward Chiu diamond-and-jade tennis bracelet

  • Vintage Cartier Tank Américaine wristwatch

  To this collection, you should add a few fun, cheap trinkets to wear—like some Tibetan prayer beads, a Jawbone UP band, a child’s toy necklace, or a rubber wristband supporting some charitable cause. This will further solidify the notion that you are Mrs. Bernard Tai, and you no longer have anything to prove to anyone!

  LIFESTYLE

  Interior Design and Decoration

  Kaspar von Morgenlatte did an admirable job with your apartment, but the look is somewhat outdated and more than a little disturbing. (If I recall, the design concept was commissioned by your husband in the early 2000s to evoke the Miami Beach bachelor pad of a Bolivian drug cartel kingpin. This was done extremely successfully. I particularly admired the “chalk body outline” mother-of-pearl inlay on the ebony wood floor and the trompe l’oeil “bullet marks” on your master bedroom headboard, but I think that it would be inadvisable to host a children’s birthday party here, especially while those Lisa Yuskavage paintings are still hanging.)