The Crazy Rich Asians Trilogy Box Set

by Kevin Kwan

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  “Lorena, Lorena, over here! I choped*2 this seat for you!” Daisy shouted, waving from her strategically chosen aisle seat.

  Lorena made a beeline for Daisy and saw the packet of tissues she had placed next to her on the wooden pew. “Thanks for saving me this seat! I thought I was going to have to sit with my in-laws. Is Q.T. still parking?”

  “Aiyah, you know my husband doesn’t do funerals. Just the sight of a coffin will give him diarrhea.” Just then, there was a loud buzzing from Daisy’s handbag. “Wait ah, I’m going to take out my iPad. Nadine wanted me to FaceTime her from the funeral. She’s beside herself that she didn’t get invited.”

  “What? Ronnie and her didn’t get invitations?”

  “No, Old Man Shaw got the invitation, and of course he brought the new wife. They are two rows in front of us.”

  Lorena craned her neck to look at Nadine’s father-in-law, the eighty-five-year-old stroke survivor Sir Ronald Shaw and his brand-new twenty-nine-year-old wife from Shenzhen. “I must say she’s very pretty, but I’m still surprised that Sir Ronald isn’t, you know, chee cheong fun.”

  “Aiyah, these days with Viagra, even chee cheong fun can become you char kway.”*3 Daisy giggled as she activated the FaceTime function. Nadine’s dramatically made-up face popped up on screen. “Alamak, Daisy, I’ve been waiting and waiting! Who’s arrived? Who do you see?”

  “Well, your father-in-law is here with your new…er…mother-in-law.”

  “Oh, who gives a damn about them! How does Eleanor look? And what’s Astrid wearing?” Nadine asked.

  “Eleanor of course looks great—I think she’s wearing that black Akris suit with notched lapels she bought when we all went to the Harrods sale a couple of years ago. Astrid hasn’t arrived yet, or at least I don’t see her anywhere. Oh my goodness! Who’s this? The Bride of Frankenstein just walked in!”

  “What? Who? Hold up your iPad, let me see!” Nadine said excitedly.

  Daisy covertly pointed her iPad toward the central aisle. “Alamak, it’s Eddie Cheng’s wife, the long-suffering Tung girl. She’s dressed up like Queen Victoria in full mourning garb with a big black hat covered by a floor-length black veil. And oh look, their daughter is dressed just like her! And the sons are wearing black brocade Nehru jackets. Good grief, they look like they are in some suicide cult!”

  —

  Rachel went along with Nick’s parents to the beautifully polished wooden pews reserved for the family, marveling at the beautiful neo-Gothic features of Singapore’s oldest cathedral as she walked up the central aisle. Nick meanwhile headed to the chapel behind the altar to confer with his aunt Victoria, who was in the midst of coordinating all the speakers. He shook the president’s hand and waited patiently for his marching orders. Victoria finally noticed him. “Oh Nicky, good, you’re here. Listen, I hope you don’t mind, but we’ve had to cut your speech from the program. We simply don’t have the time, with everyone needing to speak.”

  Nick stared at her in dismay. “You’re not serious?”

  “I’m afraid I am. Please understand, we’re already running overtime. We have three pastors speaking, the Sultan of Borneo, and the president. And then the Thai ambassador has a special message to deliver, and we also have to fit in Eddie’s song—”

  “Eddie’s going to sing?” Nick was incredulous.

  “Oh yes. He’s been rehearsing a special hymn all week with a very special guest musician who’s just flown in.”

  “So let me understand this: We have six people giving speeches, but no one from the family will actually get a chance to speak about Ah Ma?”

  “Well, there’s also been a last-minute addition. Henry Leong Jr. has decided to give a speech.”

  “Henry Junior? But he barely knows Ah Ma. He’s spent most of his life in Malaysia being doted on by his Leong grandparents!”

  Victoria smiled embarrassedly at the president, who was watching the whole exchange with piqued interest. “Nicky, may I remind you that your cousin Henry is the eldest grandson. He has every right to give a speech. And besides,” Victoria lowered her voice, “he’s running for a seat in parliament this year. Felicity said we HAVE to let him speak. And of course the president wants him to!”

  Nick stared at his aunt for a moment. Without another word, he turned around and headed back to his pew.

  —

  Michael Teo—Astrid’s estranged husband—came striding up the central aisle of St. Andrew’s Cathedral, dressed in a brand-new Rubinacci suit with shiny black John Lobb wing tips. He looked around for where Leong family members might be seated, and just as he caught sight of Astrid fussing over Cassian’s Windsor knot in the second pew from the front, two men in dark suits suddenly appeared, blocking his path.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Teo. Family only on this side,” the man with the earpiece said.

  Michael opened his mouth, about to say something, but as he knew that all eyes were on him, he nodded, smiled politely, and took the nearest empty seat in another pew.

  Sitting in the pew opposite from Michael were members of the T’sien family. “Did you just see that? That was brutal,” Oliver whispered to his aunt Nancy.

  “Hnh! Serves him right. I don’t know how he even got an invitation,” Nancy huffed, as she thought to herself, That man was wasted on Astrid. The things I could do with that body…

  Nancy turned to face Oliver’s mother. “Bernadette, how nice you look in that…frock.” Ghastly. I can smell the mothballs.

  “Thank you. You look so fashionable, as always,” Bernadette replied, eyeing Nancy’s Gaultier couture dress. Wasting my brother-in-law’s money. No matter how expensive that dress is, you still look like mutton dressed as lamb.

  “It’s always nice to see the T’sien jade come out for an airing.” Nancy eyed the brooch Bernadette had on. This should have been mine. What a travesty to see it pinned on that horrific schmatta she calls a dress.

  The heirloom jewel had been passed down from T’sien Tsai Tay’s mother to Bernadette—her favorite granddaughter-in-law—and was said to have belonged to the Empress Dowager Ci’an. Nancy leaned over and said to her mother-in-law, “Do you see Bernadette’s brooch…doesn’t the carved jade butterfly look more translucent and vibrant than ever?”

  Rosemary smiled. “It’s imperial jade. It always looks better the more it’s worn.” I’m so glad we gave it to Bernadette. This is the gift that keeps on giving—just seeing how jealous Nancy still is after all these years.

  Bernadette smiled nervously at the two women and tried desperately to deflect attention from herself. “Aiyah, Nancy, this is nothing. I don’t have much compared to you. Look at your pearls! My goodness, I’ve never seen so many worn at the same time.” She looks like a madwoman who just robbed Mikimoto.

  Nancy fingered the enormous Sri Lankan sapphire-and-diamond clasp on her eight-strand pearl necklace. “Oh these? I’ve had them for ages. I think Dickie bought these for me when we were invited to Prince Abdullah of Jordan’s wedding to the beautiful Rania. Of course, this was long before he knew he was going to be king.”

  Overhearing the exchange, Oliver added, “I don’t think Abdullah ever expected it. His uncle was supposed to be the next king, but Hussein bypassed him on his deathbed and anointed his son the successor. It was a shock to everyone.”

  Nancy sat back in her seat, wondering what shocks lay in store for her Young relatives. What would become of all of Su Yi’s jewelry? Her collection was said to be unparalleled in all of Asia, so there was surely going to be a battle royal over her treasures.

  —

  Sitting in the middle of her row, Astrid heard an urgent little ping from her cell phone. She got out her phone discreetly and read the text message:

  MICHAEL TEO: First u exclude my name from the Straits Times death notice, and now u bar me from sitting next to my own son! Yur g
onna pay for this.

  Astrid began texting back furiously.

  ASTRID LEONG: What are you talking about? My mother and uncle arranged the notice. I didn’t even know you were coming.

  MT: I’m not a monster. I liked your Ah Ma, ok?

  AL: So where are you now? You’re going to be late!

  MT: Already here. I’m sitting one row behind and across from u.

  Astrid swiveled around and saw Michael seated across the aisle.

  AL: Why are you over there?

  MT: Don’t pretend u don’t know. Your father’s fucking bodyguards wouldn’t let me into your row!

  AL: I promise you I had nothing to do with that. Come join us now.

  Michael stood up, but before he could leave his pew, a cluster of guests walking up the aisle blocked him from moving. Instead, they were being directed into his row, and a lady wearing a chic dark gray silk shantung dress with a silver gray frayed bouclé topper coat and black gloves was ushered into the seat next to him.

  Astrid’s jaw dropped. She spun around and faced Oliver, who was seated just behind her. “Am I hallucinating, or is that who I think it is over there in head-to-toe Chanel couture?”

  Oliver turned and saw the lady who had just taken the seat on the aisle opposite from him. “Holy Anita Sarawak!” he muttered under his breath. It was Colette, sitting with her husband, the Earl of Palliser, and the British ambassador. How stupid of him—of course the earl would attend. His father, the Duke of Glencora, was great friends with Alfred Shang.

  Eagle-eyed Nancy T’sien leaned over and whispered to Oliver, “Who is that girl over there?”

  “Which girl?” Oliver asked, feigning ignorance.

  “The pretty Chinese girl sitting with all those ang mors.” As the two of them looked at Colette, she suddenly swept her hair aside, revealing an enormous jade butterfly brooch pinned to her left shoulder. Oliver turned white as a sheet.

  Nancy almost gasped, but she stopped herself. Instead, she said, “What an exquisite brooch. Mummy, do you see that lady’s lovely jade brooch?” She tugged furiously at Rosemary T’sien’s elbow.

  “Oh. Yes,” Rosemary paused for a moment in recognition. “How lovely it is.”

  Just then, Reverend Bo Lor Yong approached the pulpit and spoke too close to the microphone. His voice came out booming: “Your Majesties, Highnesses, Excellencies, Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, may I present Shang Su Yi’s dearest grandson, Edison Cheng, accompanied by the one and only…Lang Lang!”

  The crowd murmured excitedly at the announcement of the celebrated pianist, and all eyes were on the main altar as Lang Lang walked to the grand piano and began to play the opening chords of a curiously familiar melody. The doors of the cathedral swung open, and eight Gurkha guards from Tyersall Park stood silhouetted in the dramatic arched entrance, bearing Su Yi’s casket on their shoulders. Captain Vikram Ghale was the lead pallbearer, and as they slowly began to enter the nave of the cathedral, Eddie emerged from the shadows of the transept and took his place in front of the piano, a lone spotlight on him. As the guests in the church stood up respectfully, the casket made its way up the central aisle as Eddie began to sing in a quivering tenor:

  “It must have been cold there in my shadowwwwww,

  to never have sunlight on your faaaaaaace…”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Nick muttered, burying his face in his hands.

  “They cut your speech for this?” Rachel was furious and yet trying desperately not to laugh.

  “Did I ever tell you you’re my heeeee­eeeee­eero…” Eddie belted out, not quite hitting the right pitch.

  Victoria turned to Felicity with a frown. “What on earth?”

  Felicity whispered to Astrid, “Do you know this hymn?”

  “It’s not a hymn, Mum. It’s ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ by Bette Midler.”

  “Bet who?”

  “Exactly. She’s a singer Ah Ma would never have heard of either.”

  As the guards proceeded up the aisle, everyone in the cathedral suddenly went quiet as they caught sight of Su Yi’s two devoted Thai lady’s maids. Swathed in dark gray silk dresses with a single black orchid pinned above their breasts, they walked five paces behind her casket, tears running down their faces.

  * * *

  *1 Just count the commas and you’ll understand what Eddie means: $1,000,000,000.

  *2 A Singlish term meaning “to reserve.” Singaporeans chope seats at concerts, hawker centers, and other public venues by placing a packet of tissue paper on the seat.

  *3 Chee cheong fun: a long, limp, rice noodle roll. You char kway: a long, stiff, deep-fried breadstick.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ST. ANDREW’S CATHEDRAL, SINGAPORE

  After the memorial service, guests were invited to a white tent that had been erected next to the cathedral, where everyone could mingle over an elaborate afternoon-tea buffet. The tent was decorated to replicate Su Yi’s conservatory at Tyersall Park. Hundreds of pots of orchids in full bloom hung from the ceiling, while towering topiaries composed of roses from Su Yi’s rose garden commanded each of the tables covered in Battenberg lace. A battalion of waitstaff rolled around antique silver carts arrayed with steaming cups of Darjeeling tea and ice-cold flutes of Lillet champagne, while chefs in white toques manned the tables filled with afternoon-tea standards like finger sandwiches, scones with clotted cream, and nyonya cakes.

  Nick, Rachel, and Astrid sat in a quiet corner reminiscing with cousins Alistair, Scheherazade, and Lucia.

  “You know, I used to be deathly afraid of Ah Ma when I was little,” Alistair confessed. “I think it’s maybe because all the adults seemed to fear her, I just picked up on that.”

  “Really? She always seemed like a fairy godmother to me,” Scheherazade said. “I remember one summer hols many years ago, I was wandering around Tyersall Park by myself when I came upon Great-auntie Su Yi. She was standing at the edge of that pond with those enormous lily pads, and when she saw me, she said, ‘Zhi Yi, come’—she always called me by my Chinese name. She looked up at the sky and made this clicking sound with her tongue. Out of nowhere these two swans swooped down and landed right on the pond! Su Yi reached into the pocket of that blue gardening coat she always wore and pulled out little sardines. The swans glided up to her and gently ate the sardines out of her hand. I was absolutely mesmerized.”

  “Yes, those swans were the same pair that were always at the lake in the Botanic Gardens. Ah Ma used to say, ‘Everyone thinks these swans live there, but actually this is their pond, and they just visit the Botanic Gardens because they’ve gotten fat and spoiled by all the tourists that feed them!’ ” Nick remembered.

  “It’s not fair, I feel like you got to know Great-auntie Su Yi much better than I did, Scheherazade!” Lucia said with a little pout.

  Rachel shot Lucia a smile, and then noticed Carlton strolling nonchalantly toward them. “Carlton! How did you get through Fort Knox?”

  “I may or may not have been slipped an invitation by someone,” Carlton said with a wink, as Scheherazade blushed.

  “Astrid, mind if I have a quick word?” Carlton said.

  “Me?” Astrid looked up in surprise.

  “Yes.”

  Astrid got up from her chair and Carlton took her over to a corner. “I have a message from a friend. Go to the chapel behind the north transept of the cathedral right now. Trust me.”

  “Oh. Okay,” Astrid said, her brow furrowed at Carlton’s mysterious message. She walked out of the tent and headed into the church through a side door, making her way to the north transept. As she entered the small alcove chapel within the cathedral, her eyes took a moment to adjust to the darkened room. A figure emerged from behind a pillar.

  “Charlie! Oh my God! What are you doing here?” Astrid exclaimed as she rushed to embrace him.r />
  “I just couldn’t let you be alone today.” Charlie hugged her tight, kissing her forehead repeatedly. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay, I guess.”

  “I know this is the last thing on your mind, but you look stunning today,” Charlie said, marveling at her knee-length black dress with a white Greek key motif piping on the skirt and collar.

  “This was my grandmother’s, from the 1930s.”

  “Was the service beautiful?”

  “I wouldn’t really call it that. It was grand, and it was strange. The Sultan of Borneo talked about the war and how my great-grandfather helped to save his family. He spoke in Malay, so everything had to be translated by this very perky woman. Then my brother spoke, and he was so weird and stilted he sounded like the Manchurian Candidate. The most emotional moment came when my grandmother’s casket first entered the church. When I saw Madri and Patravadee walking behind the casket, I just lost it.”

  “I know it’s been a very sad day. I brought something for you…I was debating at first whether or not to show it to you today, but I think it might actually cheer you up.” Charlie took a small envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Astrid. She opened it up and unfolded a handwritten note:

  Dear Astrid,

  I hope you don’t mind the intrusion, but I want to express how sorry I am to hear of your grandmother’s passing. She was a great lady, and I know she meant so much to you. I was very close to my Ah Ma as well, so I can imagine what you must be feeling right now.

  I also want to apologize for my actions several months ago in Singapore. I am so terribly sorry for any pain or embarrassment I might have caused to you and your family. As I’m sure you’re aware, I was not myself that day. I have made a complete recovery since then, and I can only hope and pray that you will accept my heartfelt apology now.

  In the last few months, I’ve had the luxury of time. Time to heal and recover, time to reassess my life. I know now that I do not ever wish to come between what you and Charlie have together, and I want to give you my blessing, not that you in any way need it. Charlie has been so decent to me throughout the years, and I only want what’s best for him now. As we are all only too painfully aware, life is precious, and much too fleeting, so I want to wish the both of you everlasting happiness.