Mary Jane's Grave

by Stacy Dittrich

  After getting dressed and cleaned up, I spent the rest of the afternoon playing outdoors with the kids. It was a warm fall day, and the girls had gone into the backyard to jump on the trampoline. I was throwing a baseball back and forth with Sean while we waited for Vanessa to pick him up.

  Normally, I don’t have any contact with Michael’s ex. In fact, we’ve never even been face- to- face with each other. However, after the incident with Sean the other night and knowing her not-so- hidden agenda, I decided not to hide, as usual, but to stand in my own front yard and let the chips fall where they may.

  Michael had just gone inside to answer the phone when Vanessa pulled into the driveway. She must have been waiting for this moment to confront me because when she got out of the car, she opened her mouth and the verbal abuse streamed out.

  “Well, well, well,” she began. “How nice to finally see you, CeeCee. I see you’ve got yourself set up nicely here with my husband and son.” She leaned back against her car, her arms crossed in front of her. Talk about body language. “Then again, I would expect nothing less from a home- wrecking whore.”

  Unfortunately for her, that was a bad move. I used every bit of self-control to keep from lighting into her. My eyes instantly went to Sean, whose face held a look of horror. His chin was quivering as he tried to hold back his tears.

  “Sean, honey, why don’t you run out back and say bye to the girls, okay?” I sent a big, comforting smile his way, and it seemed to soothe him a little. He looked back at me and then at his mother, and then he sprinted to-ward the front door.

  I knew he was heading for Michael, which was exactly what I wanted. Vanessa maintained her position by the car, her dark eyes fastened coldly on mine. I stared right back. She was just a few years older than I was and a little taller, her light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. Before today, I had only seen her from a distance through her window; now, this close to her, I saw that she was quite attractive.

  I wasn’t about to let her comment go unanswered. “Vanessa,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm, “if you don’t like me, fine. I really don’t care, but I would appreciate you not creating a scene in front of the children. As you can see, you really upset Sean.”

  For a split second, I thought she was going to walk over and slap me. “Don’t you dare act condescending to me!” She stood straight and took a step toward me, hands on her hips. “I knew two years ago you were fucking my husband, and if you think that was fun to live with, you’re sadly mistaken.”

  Her raised voice had attracted the attention of some of my neighbors, and several heads were beginning to turn our way. That seemed to inspire her to raise her voice even more. “You have taken my entire family away from me, and you have the audacity to stand here and lecture me? I don’t know how you can look at yourself in the mirror every day, you slut!”

  “Vanessa! That’s enough!” I heard Michael’s angry voice behind me. Finally! I thought, relieved.

  I was so angry I was shaking, and I could feel my blood boil. I have never been one to solve a problem by fighting, but for one moment, I wanted to walk over and smash her face in.

  Let Michael handle it, I told myself. She’s his problem, not mine. I turned around and went inside before I lost control. When I got inside, I stood by the open front window and watched as Michael berated his ex-wife.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? You can’t talk to her like that, and in front of Sean? You’re out of your mind!” He was talking in hushed, angry tones, trying to keep his voice down.

  “What do you expect?” she cried, clutching the car door for support. “This was the first time I’ve ever really been face- to- face with her. I mean she used to be a model, for Christ’s sake!”

  Michael stared at her, unable to believe his ears.

  She continued, “Please, Michael, can’t we try to work this out? I mean, think about Sean. Don’t you think he deserves another try for us?”

  She had sunk to a new low with that one. Using Sean to try to get Michael back was hitting below the belt. I was still shaking and getting crazy angry, a feeling I’m not used to. It felt as if I might break down, myself.

  Even though I trusted him, I had to admit I was worried that when Vanessa brought up Sean Michael would fall right into her lap. Sean was, after all, the son he adored.

  I watched as Michael put his hands behind his head and took a deep breath. “I don’t understand any of this, Vanessa. Why now? Why would you get Sean’s hopes up and tell him we’re getting back together when you know damn well we’re not!”

  She grabbed the bottom of his shirt and tried to pull him to her, still crying. Michael resisted, and I felt so sickened I had to look away. When I looked again, she was wiping her face with a Kleenex she had gotten out of her purse.

  “I never thought you’d actually want to marry her, Michael! I…I thought…I thought if I was patient, you’d get her out of your system and come back. That’s why I didn’t contest the divorce—I still thought you’d get over her! I still thought you loved me! I can’t handle this, Michael. I can’t! You can’t marry her!”

  For whatever reason, Michael walked over and put his hand on her shoulder and started talking softly to her, softly enough that I couldn’t hear. That was it. Feeling the lump in my throat rise, with hot tears running down my face, I watched them doing their Dance of Love Denied, all the while covering my mouth with both hands so they couldn’t hear me.

  After a few minutes, I saw Michael turn and walk to-ward the house. I ran over to the couch and jumped on it, pulling my knees to my chest. I didn’t want him to think I had been listening to the entire conversation.

  When he walked in and saw me all scrunched up on the couch and saw how hard I’d been crying, he knelt in front of me, taking both my hands in his.

  “CeeCee, honey, I am so sorry about this,” he whispered, his face strained. “We’re going to talk about this, believe me, but right now I really need to get her out of here. I don’t want her driving Sean in the condition she’s in.”

  My heart sank as I understood what he was saying, and I felt the tears returning.

  “I know this is very difficult for you, but I’m going to have to drive Vanessa and Sean home.”

  I felt as if I’d been socked in the stomach. I was so stunned I didn’t think I could breathe. “How are you going to get back here?” My voice sounded weak and tremulous. Take control of yourself, girl. He’ll think you’re as bad as she is, I scolded myself.

  “There’s a rental car place right down the road. I’ll just drive to it and she can drive the rest of the way. It’s only about half a mile.”

  Michael kissed my hands. “Please, believe me that all I’m doing right now is looking out for Sean. I don’t think I could sit here for the next hour knowing she was driving him the way she is right now.”

  “Don’t let her take him at all, for Christ’s sake!” My voice was quivering. “If she’s not stable enough to drive, she sure as hell isn’t stable enough to care for Sean!”

  Michael sighed, his eyes still locked on mine. “Look, Cee, you’re right, I could do that, but tomorrow when she files a motion to find me in contempt of court for refusing to return him we’ll be in a whole other mess.” He paused for a moment, looking at the floor. “Please, I know this is difficult, but trust me, I know how vindictive she can be. If I drive her home, I can calm her down—it’s easier this way. Once she’s calmed down, I know Sean will be okay.”

  I couldn’t respond; my throat was tight and my voice had taken a vacation. I wouldn’t have known what to say anyway. I just couldn’t believe that the day had turned out like this. I’m sure Vanessa was thrilled. Michael knew it was useless to try to talk to me right now, so he squeezed my hands and stood up.

  “It’ll only take me a couple of hours, and we’ll talk when I get back.” He paused to see if there would be a response from me. Getting none, he continued, “All right, I’m going to grab Sean so we can leave.”

&n
bsp; He looked down at me for a minute or so, his face thoroughly pained, before walking out of the room.

  After he left, instead of sitting on the couch and crying, I called our next-door neighbor, a teenage girl we used sometimes for babysitting. I asked her if she could come over and sit with the girls for a couple of hours. I had to get out of the house, and I didn’t want the girls to see me so upset.

  I yelled out the window to Selina and Isabelle that I had to leave for a few hours and that Laura would be watching them. They were still on the trampoline, jumping away, oblivious to the fireworks that had just gone off in the front yard. When I pulled out of the driveway, I had a vision in my head of Michael and Vanessa in the car. She had almost an hour to try to talk him into going back to her.

  I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t giving Michael enough credit, but it wasn’t working. The fear in my heart was just as strong as ever.

  To calm myself down, I drove to the Clearfork Reservoir, one of my favorite places to go and think. It was a medium-sized lake in the southern part of the county with pull-off areas and jogging trails all around it. Last year, a child’s body had been found along one of the trails, a victim of our notorious child killer. I wanted to avoid that scene, so I drove to the north side of the lake. I didn’t need any more depressing thoughts than I already had.

  It was near dusk, but I didn’t care. I pulled into one of the desolate parking areas that had an entrance to the jogging trail and picnic tables down by the water. If I’d thought about it, I would’ve grabbed a bottle of anything that contained alcohol to comfort me while I was there. It was a good thing I hadn’t or I wouldn’t have been able to drive myself home.

  I found a picnic table on a small drop-off about six feet above the water and sat down to watch the sunset. I set my cell phone next to me. The only reason I had brought it was in case Laura needed to call me. Other than that, I didn’t plan on answering it.

  I hadn’t realized how scary it was for me to think about losing Michael. All this time I had taken him for granted, always assuming he’d be there no matter what. And even as I sat on the picnic table for almost two hours, there was a small part of me that wasn’t really worried. But I wondered if I should be. Sometimes I failed to see Michael as a human being, someone with feelings like everyone else. I always thought he would just love me forever and wasn’t capable of having feelings for anyone other than me. Vanessa’s intrusion into my perfect little life had made me second- guess my earlier feelings of security. Had I been kidding myself about Michael?

  If the lights hadn’t come on automatically in the parking area, I probably would’ve sat there even longer. But a noise got my attention; the distinct sound of a stick breaking. It was loud, too loud to be a deer or forest animal, I thought. The noise came from the woods to my left. There was an unlit jogging trail running through the middle of the woods. I sat on the picnic table a few minutes longer, straining my ears, but all was silent. Finally I decided to leave.

  I had almost reached my car when I heard the noise again. This time I turned and, following the sound, headed right for the trail. Lakes and public parks were a haven for local perverts, and I assumed there was one watching me from the trail. I had my gun, so I wasn’t too worried. I’d been in scarier situations than this.

  I walked directly onto the trail, following it back about thirty feet or so and found nothing. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was a deer, I told myself, not that I could see a whole lot. Stupidly, I had forgotten to bring my flashlight.

  Suddenly, I heard a light splash of water. I walked to the edge of the drop-off and looked down. That’s when I felt the hands on my back, shoving me over the edge. It was only about a five- or six- foot drop, so I wasn’t hurt, but the water was about four feet deep, enough to completely saturate me. When I stood up in the water, I heard sticks breaking and leaves crunching beneath the running feet of whoever had just pushed me into the chilly lake.

  I climbed back up to the edge and sat down for a few minutes, shivering and listening. Whoever it was had gone. Obviously I had been pushed into the water so the person could get away without me seeing them. But I wondered whether it had been a pervert who didn’t want to get caught, or if it had something to do with the Kari Sutter murder. Past experience has taught me that murderers have an overwhelming desire to fuck with the investigating officer.

  I didn’t think I’d been followed here, and I hadn’t seen any cars behind me, but then again, I hadn’t been looking for any.

  I was a woman, and I was alone. I cautiously made my way back to my car, feeling a bit edgy. Finally, soaking wet, shaken and pissed off that I hadn’t seen my attacker, I pulled out of the parking area and floored it, eager to get home.

  As I drove, I tried to remember whether I had passed any cars pulled off to the side of the road when I first got to the park, but I couldn’t recall any. I found myself looking in my rearview mirror often, just in case someone was following me.

  I couldn’t believe how late it was when I pulled into my driveway. I knew Michael was back when I saw a small, dark rental car parked in front of the house. He was waiting for me when I walked in.

  “Where have you been?” he demanded. “I really wish you’d answer your cell—” A look of surprise crossed his face when he saw that I was wet from head to toe. “CeeCee, what the hell? Why are you all wet?”

  “Let me get some dry clothes on and I’ll tell you.” I waved him off, frozen inside and out.

  After I changed, Michael sat down in the living room and waited for me to tell him what had happened. When I did, he became extremely concerned. “I’m going to assume that, once again, you’ve pissed off someone in this murder case. Did you call the police?”

  “Don’t assume anything, Michael. I have no idea who it was, as I said. It could’ve been—and probably was—just a local troublemaker.”

  Even though I didn’t believe my own words, I said them anyway, just so Michael wouldn’t worry.

  “By the time the cops could’ve gotten there, the guy was long gone. As far as I’m concerned, there’s not much to worry about. Except, of course, what happened today with Vanessa,” I said, shifting to the topic that really concerned me.

  Michael nodded, took a deep breath and leaned back against the couch. He was clearly tired. I didn’t know if this was the best time to discuss it, but I couldn’t wait any longer to hear what he had to say.

  “How come you were at the lake anyway?” he asked. Was he deliberately refusing to change the subject?

  “I needed to go somewhere and think. I was a little upset earlier, to put it mildly, and I didn’t want the kids to see me like that.” My voice cracked a bit.

  “I know you were upset, and I’m sorry. I just wanted to get Vanessa out of here with as little drama as possible.” He leaned forward and put his hand on my back.

  “Well, you were too late. She’d already won an Oscar for best dramatic per formance by a wronged wife.”

  “CeeCee, I know what you’re thinking. I love you. I don’t know what’s going on with her or why.” He paused. “There’s something I have to tell you, but I don’t want you to flip out about it.”

  The familiar thud in my chest started again. I didn’t think I could take any more surprises today and found myself holding my breath.

  “While we were in the car together, she kept trying to get me to reconsider, and I continued to say no. Then she got pretty nasty.”

  “Nastier than calling me a ‘home- wrecking whore’?” I asked, still smarting from her accusation.

  “Definitely. When I dropped her off, she said if I didn’t give it another try she was going to try to revoke my visitation with Sean, permanently, because of you.” He breathed deeply and avoided looking at me. “She said you and your job put him in harm’s way and that you’re reckless. The press you’ve received from past cases will back up her claim. Obviously, since you and I have worked half of those cases together, she’s yanking at whatever straw she can out of
desperation. She never even mentioned my job—just yours. If I stay with you, I can’t see Sean.” He said this quietly, anticipating the explosion that was sure to follow.

  However, it wasn’t an explosion that followed but a steady stream of tears. I wasn’t surprised in the least, and I think deep down I knew something like this was coming. I did my best to keep myself together.

  “She can’t just decide that you’re not going to see Sean because she doesn’t like the way your relationship turned out. There isn’t a judge in the world who will listen to that crap,” I declared, wiping away my tears.

  “I explained that to her.” He nodded, looking at me, his eyes sad yet resolute. “But she was pretty insistent. All I’m telling you is to prepare yourself because I have a feeling things are going to get ugly.”

  “What exactly did she say on the ride up?”

  “She said when she left, she did it to get my attention. She thought I would come running home, away from you, but I didn’t. She never thought I would file for divorce, because she thought I would back out. She’s always hoped I would come back. When I told her you and I were getting married, she broke down completely.” He sighed. “Like I said earlier, she’s never told me any of this before.”

  “If she had, would it have made a difference?” Whatever his reply, I knew it would be honest. I braced myself.

  “No, it wouldn’t. I told her our marriage was over long before you came into the picture, but she didn’t want to hear it. When we got to the rental place I said good-bye and left her and Sean.

  “Cee, don’t worry. I think she’s just blowing smoke right now. She’ll calm down eventually. She knows Sean likes coming here, and as much as you’ll probably hate to hear this, there’s a part of me that wants to believe she truly has Sean’s best interest at heart.”

  “So how did you leave it with her?” He reached for me, but I pulled away and looked at him.