The Year of No Rules

by Rose McClelland

  “I want to marry you, Sasha,” he blurted out suddenly. “I want you to move to Dublin and be with me.”

  Sasha took a sharp intake of breath. She could hardly believe her ears! Marriage. Wow!

  “Really?!” she choked, lifting a hand to her mouth, totally in shock. She had thought he might say something nice, but marriage? She hadn’t been expecting that.

  “Yes, really,” Kirk beamed. “I’ve bought a ring, and everything.”

  Sasha inhaled sharply as she saw Kirk lift a box from out of his pocket. With pride, he flicked open the box and presented it with a winning smile. The ring twinkled and winked at her, bold and beautiful.

  “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” she repeated ecstatically. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  Kirk looked at her; her smile, her shock, her surprise. He dipped his head in questioning, “Does this mean it’s a yes, then?” he smiled.

  “Wha…?” Sasha snapped out of her reverie suddenly. She had been trapped in a tunnel of wedding rings, wedding bliss, and a marriage proposal. How often does a girl get sprinkled with that magic fairy dust?

  And yet, there at the end of the tunnel, was the cold hard light of day. He had dumped her, disappeared for years, sent her emails which led her on for months, shagged her, told her it was a mistake, gone back to his girlfriend and now, many, many, months later, was expecting her to forget all that and accept his hand in marriage? Sasha’s mind boggled. Marriage? To Kirk? She couldn’t even think straight. And then there was Sam. And his question about moving in together. Sam. How she had been avoiding him. Not returning his calls. Body-swerving his question.

  “I’m, I’m going to have to think about this, Kirk…” she began. “It’s such a massive deal, and it’s come so out of the blue, that I…” she trailed off.

  “But what is there to think about?” Kirk asked. She could have sworn she heard an impatient tone in his voice.

  “Just, there’s so much…” she said again, weakly. “Please… I just need to think…”

  Chapter Forty-Four

  “It has just been the biggest roller-coaster of a week,” Sasha confessed as she curled up on the end of her sofa. She was wearing her pyjamas and cosy socks. Not a scrap of make-up was on her face and her hair was tied back into a ponytail.

  Her friend Tanya looked at her, listening intently, waiting for her to continue. Tanya had emailed her completely out of the blue. They hadn’t seen each other for ages. Since Sasha had dated Kirk in fact. Tanya was a mutual friend of hers and Kirk’s and, although they weren’t extremely close, Tanya often popped up at the same gigs and in the same circles as Kirk.

  Sasha had received Tanya’s text: “Hey luv! Haven’t seen you in ages! It’d be great to catch up! X”

  Initially, Sasha had squirmed. Did she really want to be meeting up with Kirk’s friends? What if the conversation was awkward? And then she scolded herself. Did she really want to lock herself away and cut off all her old friends just because of Kirk? Definitely not. So with open arms, she’d arranged to have Tanya call around to her apartment one evening after work.

  “Well, first there was Sam…” Sasha began. “He asked me to move in with him!” Sasha exclaimed, noticing the raise of Tanya’s eyebrows; her surprise too.

  “I know…” Sasha said, as if answering her unspoken question. “I mean, it feels like we’ve only been together – two minutes.”

  Tanya smiled, her cute little pixie face creasing up into a sunshine grin.

  “And then…” Sasha took a deep breath. “And then Kirk arrives…” Her voice rises at the mention of Kirk. Tanya’s eyebrows rise even further with surprise on hearing his name.

  “Yeah, I know, Kirk!” Sasha exclaimed, again answering Tanya’s unspoken question. “He just turns up out of the blue and says he misses me and still loves me and… wait for this… wants to marry me!”

  Tanya gasps in surprise, clapping her hand to her mouth. “No way!”

  “Yes, way! I couldn’t believe it either!” Sasha pulls a cigarette out of her packet and lights it, inhaling deeply. “Want one?” she offers Tanya.

  “Go on, then…”

  Tanya joins her for a smoke as Sasha tells her tale; the engagement ring, the confession of his feelings, the desire to start again.

  “My. God.” Tanya exclaims, shaking her head in disbelief.

  “I know, right? And I mean, all these things happening in one week! It’s like a cosmic shift in the Universe or something.”

  “I swear men have a radar,” Tanya said.

  “Exactly!” Sasha exclaimed. “I thought the same thing too!”

  Tanya bit her lip then. She suddenly looked awkward. She played with the frayed thread on her tartan skirt.

  “Thing is, Sasha…” she began, squirming in her chair.

  “What?” Sasha exclaimed. “What’s up?” she inhaled her cigarette deeply as though calming herself.

  “Well…” Tanya’s eyes darted awkwardly. “I kind of know stuff about Kirk… that might influence your decision…” she bit her lip again, as though wishing the ground would swallow her up.

  Sasha groaned inwardly. “Oh no… what?” she asked, yet not wanting to know the answer.

  “Well…” Tanya began, taking a drag of her cigarette as though for courage. “I know that he proposed to Denise as well, only a few weeks ago.”

  Sasha gasped. “What?”

  The two of them stared at each other; Sasha shocked and furious, Tanya scared and guilty.

  “I really didn’t want to have to tell you, Sasha – honestly I didn’t. But I’d hardly be a friend if I didn’t warn you about what was going on.”

  Sasha softened. “No, you’re right,” she agreed. “I’d rather know.” Even if her head felt like it was going to split open.

  “Apparently…” Tanya began. “They’ve been having problems for ages. He’s been abusing drugs and she’s sick of it. She threatened to kick him out. Then he suddenly proposed, as though some big romantic gesture would suddenly make everything okay.”

  Sasha shook her head in disbelief. “My God,” she muttered.

  “So anyway, apparently she said no,” Tanya continued. “That the proposal made her realise that she can’t do it any more. So she called it off completely.”

  Sasha’s mouth fell open in disbelief. “So basically I’m the booby prize?” she asked fiercely. “Number one said no, so he thought he’d cash in before it was too late?”

  Tanya looked at her with pitying, sympathetic eyes. “Well, that’s one way of putting it,” she admitted. She stubbed out her cigarette. “I guess the guy’s really mixed up. He’s just very needy – needs someone.”

  “You can say that again!” Sasha retorted.

  Tanya held up her hands. “I’m sorry. I really am. To be the bearer of bad news. But I really think it’s best you know the full story.”

  “No, you’re right,” Sasha sighed. “It is.” She continued to puff on her cigarette. “I just don’t know what to do now.”

  Tanya gave her a side-long glance. “This Sam guy sounds nice?” she ventured. “If you don’t mind me saying?”

  Sam. Sasha sighed. Lovely Sam who had treated her so well, and was ready to move in with her any day.

  “Look,” Tanya sighed authoritatively. “Why don’t you keep things simple? Don’t make any decisions today. In fact, don’t make any decisions this week.”

  Sasha nodded her head slowly in agreement.

  “Put Kirk and Sam on hold. The answer will come to you in time. Don’t force it.”

  Sasha gave a small smile. “You’re right. You’re so right.” She rested her hand on top of Tanya’s. “Thank you. I really appreciate it. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

  “I know,” Tanya smiled. And they hugged tightly.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  “Thanks for agreeing to meet me,” Kirk smiled, as he sat opposite her in the plush hotel armchair. He had his ‘best behaviour’ on – Sasha
could tell. His hair was neat and slick. He smelt of aftershave. He wore a tweed jacket and smart jeans. His shoes were polished to perfection.

  “You’re welcome,” Sasha smiled. She hadn’t made the same effort. She had pulled on an old favourite skirt from her wardrobe. One that was comfortable, and fit her snugly. She’d teamed it with a comfy cardigan and boots. She’d thrown a touch of foundation on her face and a smear of lipstick.

  “So I’m just wondering,” Kirk said, kneading his hands together nervously. “If you’ve had a chance to think about what I said.”

  Sasha nodded numbly. “Yeah, I’ve thought about it,” she replied.

  Kirk nodded eagerly, as though hoping for her to continue.

  “And what do you think…?” he encouraged.

  Sasha opened the sachet of sugar in front of her and tipped its contents into her cappuccino. She lifted the spoon and slowly stirred the liquid.

  “I don’t know…” she trailed off slowly.

  Kirk tried to hide the impatience and frustration which she could read in his eyes.

  “Why’s that?” he asked, fake-smiling.

  She took a sip of her cappuccino, then wiped the thin, frothy moustache from her lips.

  “Well, I’m just wondering – why now? Why two years later? Why the sudden change of heart? What happened with Denise?”

  Kirk nodded assertively, as if appreciating her questions and giving it some thought. “Well, like I said – I miss you. I love you. I’ve realised that it’s you I’ve loved all along.”

  He smiled at her, with absolute confidence, as though she’d immediately jump into his arms and say, ‘Yes, yes, yes! I’ve waited all along for this. I’ve sat around the last two years hoping you’d come back to me!’

  Sasha nodded slowly. “What is love?” she pondered.

  Kirk looked at her quizzically, a smile tugging on his lips.

  “I think I know what love isn’t,” she went on. “Love isn’t telling someone to change. Love isn’t telling someone that they aren’t good enough as they are – they need to ‘fix’ themselves. Love isn’t sending someone off to counselling and telling them that they need to sort themselves out before they’re fixed enough to be loveable. Love isn’t sitting down and writing a list of rules and regulations, and telling that person unless they adhere to those rules, they’re not loveable.”

  Sasha noticed the slight roll of the eyes which Kirk couldn’t hide. But she continued anyway.

  “Love isn’t giving ultimatums, and telling someone that unless they adhere to those ultimatums, you’ll leave them.”

  Kirk’s face stiffened as he looked angry and comfortable.

  “So I know what love isn’t,” Sasha confirmed, “even if I’m not sure what love is.” She stirred her cappuccino as though thinking further.

  “You never accepted me as I was, Kirk. You expected me to be perfect. You set out on operation change Sasha, and you never really wanted me exactly as I was – warts and all. Insecurities, jealousies, good points, bad. That’s not love. That’s expecting someone to fit into your little box of what you want from a girlfriend.”

  Kirk rolled his eyes. “That’s not true,” he protested.

  “Oh yes, it is,” she interrupted, not letting him take over the conversation. “I’m not perfect, Kirk. I never will be. No matter how much counselling I went to, how much I tried to do for you – it was never enough. You still found fault. What makes you think that anything would be any different this time?”

  She stayed silent then, waiting for his response. He looked flummoxed. “I don’t know… I guess I thought that time apart would change things…” he trailed off.

  “You mean that because things haven’t worked out with Denise, you’ve come back to me?” Sasha couldn’t help it, her face flared with anger and indignation. The fact that he thought he could just turn up after two years away, and expect everything to be the same; it angered her.

  “Who told you that?” he asked crossly. “Anyway, it didn’t work out with Denise because I missed you.” His eyes glared defensively. “God, you haven’t changed a bit,” he tutted, shaking his head. “You’re still an insecure mess. Why can’t you just accept what I’m saying? That I miss you?”

  Sasha bristled. “Well, there’s no need to get so angry about it. You’re scaring me.”

  Kirk softened. He lifted his hands as though requesting a truce. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for raising my voice. I just got defensive, that’s all.”

  Sasha rested her hand on her forehead and sighed.

  “I’m just so confused, Kirk. You turn up after two years. I… how would I know you wouldn’t just disappear again? Just walk out over some vibe?” Sasha looked resolute then. As the memory of how he finished the relationship boomeranged back at her.

  “I can’t do it, Kirk. I’m sorry. There’s too much hurt there. Too much water under the bridge. I think it’s best we just move on completely, and never contact each other again.”

  Kirk looked at her in shock as she picked up her coat and put it on.

  “Goodbye, Kirk,” she said, as she picked up her bag, her self-esteem, and her dignity, and walked away.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  “Chicken balls, sweet ‘n’ sour sauce, egg fried rice, prawn crackers?” Sam asked.

  Sasha nodded vigorously. “Defo!” she cried.

  While Sam rang in the order, Sasha curled up on the sofa. She was wearing her comfy socks, pyjamas and no make-up. Her face glistened with skin cream. Thank goodness that she could totally be herself around him; she could relax.

  Coming off the phone, Sam settled on the sofa and draped her feet over his lap.

  “Sam?” Sasha ventured, thinking it was high time she should address the living-together thing.

  “Hmm?” he asked.

  Sasha played with the strings on her pyjama bottoms, rolling them between her fingers, as though they were therapeutic rosary beads.

  “You know you were asking about living together?” she ventured.

  Sam looked up at her, his expression surprised. “Oh Sasha, I’m sorry…” he began. “I shouldn’t have asked you… I don’t want to put pressure on you.”

  Sasha sat up, sitting close to him, taking his hand. “No… no…” she disagreed. “It wasn’t a selfish thing at all. It was a lovely thing to suggest – really lovely.”

  He looked at her then, hopefully, as though he thought she had changed her mind. As though he thought she was going to say, ‘Yes, Yes, let’s move in together immediately!’ It made the strings of her heart tug.

  “One day, we will,” she said softly. “One day, we definitely will – but not right now.”

  He nodded slowly. “That’s okay. I understand. Really I do.” He smiled at her.

  “I love you,” she smiled. And she really did love him. For accepting her as she was. For not expecting her to be perfect. For not expecting to get his own way all the time. For being accepting when she said ‘no’.

  “I love you, too,” he grinned, before planting a kiss on her mouth.

  Ironically, the fact that he was okay about them not living together, made her feel more open to the possibility of it in the near future.

  She snuggled deep into the sofa, resting her feet back on his lap.

  Any minute, the takeaway would arrive. Any minute, they would press play on their favourite box set, and they would snuggle up, cosy for the evening. Just for now, she was okay. This moment, right here, she was just fine.

  “Sam…?” she asked, as an afterthought.

  “Hmm?” he asked, looking over at her.

  “You’ll stay tonight though, won’t you?”

  His smile broke out into a playful grin.

  “Course I will,” he smiled.

  THE END

  Thank you for reading this Crooked Cat novel. If you have enjoyed it, we and the author would be grateful for a review. Thank you.

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  Rose McClelland, The Year of No Rules