Delphi Collected Works of Elizabeth von Arnim (Illustrated)

by Elizabeth Von Arnim

  “She wanted to make up to him for some reason,” said Irais, “and got him to explain his hobby to her, and he was silly enough to be taken in. Now which was the sillier in that case?”

  She threw herself back in her chair and looked up defiantly, beating her foot impatiently on the carpet.

  “She wanted to be thought clever,” said the Man of Wrath. “What puzzled me,” he went on musingly, “was that she went away apparently as serene and happy as when she came. The explanation of the principles of bimetallism produce, as a rule, a contrary effect.”

  “Why, she hadn’t been listening,” cried Irais, “and your simple star had been making a fine goose of himself the whole evening.

  “Prattle, prattle, simple star,

  Bimetallic, wunderbar.

  Though you’re given to describe

  Woman as a dummes Weib.

  You yourself are sillier far,

  Prattling, bimetallic star!”

  “No doubt she had understood very little,” said the Man of Wrath, taking no notice of this effusion.

  “And no doubt the gentleman hadn’t understood much either.” Irais was plainly irritated.

  “Your opinion of woman,” said Minora in a very small voice, “is not a high one. But, in the sick chamber, I suppose you agree that no one could take her place?”

  “If you are thinking of hospital-nurses,” I said, “I must tell you that I believe he married chiefly that he might have a wife instead of a strange woman to nurse him when he is sick.”

  “But,” said Minora, bewildered at the way her illusions were being knocked about, “the sick-room is surely the very place of all others in which a woman’s gentleness and tact are most valuable.”

  “Gentleness and tact?” repeated the Man of Wrath. “I have never met those qualities in the professional nurse. According to my experience, she is a disagreeable person who finds in private nursing exquisite opportunities for asserting her superiority over ordinary and prostrate mankind. I know of no more humiliating position for a man than to be in bed having his feverish brow soothed by a sprucely-dressed strange woman, bristling with starch and spotlessness. He would give half his income for his clothes, and probably the other half if she would leave him alone, and go away altogether. He feels her superiority through every pore; he never before realised how absolutely inferior he is; he is abjectly polite, and contemptibly conciliatory; if a friend comes to see him, he eagerly praises her in case she should be listening behind the screen; he cannot call his soul his own, and, what is far more intolerable, neither is he sure that his body really belongs to him; he has read of ministering angels and the light touch of a woman’s hand, but the day on which he can ring for his servant and put on his socks in private fills him with the same sort of wildness of joy that he felt as a homesick schoolboy at the end of his first term.”

  Minora was silent. Irais’s foot was livelier than ever. The Man of Wrath stood smiling blandly down upon us. You can’t argue with a person so utterly convinced of his infallibility that he won’t even get angry with you; so we sat round and said nothing.

  “If,” he went on, addressing Irais, who looked rebellious, “you doubt the truth of my remarks, and still cling to the old poetic notion of noble, self-sacrificing women tenderly helping the patient over the rough places on the road to death or recovery, let me beg you to try for yourself, next time any one in your house is ill, whether the actual fact in any way corresponds to the picturesque belief. The angel who is to alleviate our sufferings comes in such a questionable shape, that to the unimaginative she appears merely as an extremely self-confident young woman, wisely concerned first of all in securing her personal comfort, much given to complaints about her food and to helplessness where she should be helpful, possessing an extraordinary capacity for fancying herself slighted, or not regarded as the superior being she knows herself to be, morbidly anxious lest the servants should, by some mistake, treat her with offensive cordiality, pettish if the patient gives more trouble than she had expected, intensely injured and disagreeable if he is made so courageous by his wretchedness as to wake her during the night — an act of desperation of which I was guilty once, and once only. Oh, these good women! What sane man wants to have to do with angels? And especially do we object to having them about us when we are sick and sorry, when we feel in every fibre what poor things we are, and when all our fortitude is needed to enable us to bear our temporary inferiority patiently, without being forced besides to assume an attitude of eager and grovelling politeness towards the angel in the house.”

  There was a pause.

  “I didn’t know you could talk so much, Sage,” said Irais at length.

  “What would you have women do, then?” asked Minora meekly. Irais began to beat her foot up and down again, — what did it matter what Men of Wrath would have us do? “There are not,” continued Minora, blushing, “husbands enough for every one, and the rest must do something.”

  “Certainly,” replied the oracle. “Study the art of pleasing by dress and manner as long as you are of an age to interest us, and above all, let all women, pretty and plain, married and single, study the art of cookery. If you are an artist in the kitchen you will always be esteemed.”

  I sat very still. Every German woman, even the wayward Irais, has learned to cook; I seem to have been the only one who was naughty and wouldn’t.

  “Only be careful,” he went on, “in studying both arts, never to forget the great truth that dinner precedes blandishments and not blandishments dinner. A man must be made comfortable before he will make love to you; and though it is true that if you offered him a choice between Spickgans and kisses, he would say he would take both, yet he would invariably begin with the Spickgans, and allow the kisses to wait.”

  At this I got up, and Irais followed my example. “Your cynicism is disgusting,” I said icily.

  “You two are always exceptions to anything I may say,” he said, smiling amiably.

  He stooped and kissed Irais’s hand. She is inordinately vain of her hands, and says her husband married her for their sake, which I can quite believe. I am glad they are on her and not on Minora, for if Minora had had them I should have been annoyed. Minora’s are bony, with chilly-looking knuckles, ignored nails, and too much wrist. I feel very well disposed towards her when my eye falls on them. She put one forward now, evidently thinking it would be kissed too.

  “Did you know,” said Irais, seeing the movement, “that it is the custom here to kiss women’s hands?”

  “But only married women’s,” I added, not desiring her to feel out of it, “never young girls’.”

  She drew it in again. “It is a pretty custom,” she said with a sigh; and pensively inscribed it in her book.

  January 15th. — The bills for my roses and bulbs and other last year’s horticultural indulgences were all on the table when I came down to breakfast this morning. They rather frightened me. Gardening is expensive, I find, when it has to be paid for out of one’s own private pin-money. The Man of Wrath does not in the least want roses, or flowering shrubs, or plantations, or new paths, and therefore, he asks, why should he pay for them? So he does not and I do, and I have to make up for it by not indulging all too riotously in new clothes, which is no doubt very chastening. I certainly prefer buying new rose-trees to new dresses, if I cannot comfortably have both; and I see a time coming when the passion for my garden will have taken such a hold on me that I shall not only entirely cease buying more clothes, but begin to sell those that I already have. The garden is so big that everything has to be bought wholesale; and I fear I shall not be able to go on much longer with only one man and a stork, because the more I plant the more there will be to water in the inevitable drought, and the watering is a serious consideration when it means going backwards and forwards all day long to a pump near the house, with a little water-cart. People living in England, in almost perpetual mildness and moisture, don’t really know what a drought is. If they have some weeks of
cloudless weather, it is generally preceded and followed by good rains; but we have perhaps an hour’s shower every week, and then comes a month or six weeks’ drought. The soil is very light, and dries so quickly that, after the heaviest thunder-shower, I can walk over any of my paths in my thin shoes; and to keep the garden even moderately damp it should pour with rain regularly every day for three hours. My only means of getting water is to go to the pump near the house, or to the little stream that forms my eastern boundary, and the little stream dries up too unless there has been rain, and is at the best of times difficult to get at, having steep banks covered with forget-me-nots. I possess one moist, peaty bit of ground, and that is to be planted with silver birches in imitation of the Hirschwald, and is to be carpeted between the birches with flaming azaleas. All the rest of my soil is sandy — the soil for pines and acacias, but not the soil for roses; yet see what love will do — there are more roses in my garden than any other flower! Next spring the bare places are to be filled with trees that I have ordered: pines behind the delicate acacias, and startling mountain-ashes, oaks, copper-beeches, maples, larches, juniper-trees — was it not Elijah who sat down to rest under a juniper-tree? I have often wondered how he managed to get under it. It is a compact little tree, not more than two to three yards high here, and all closely squeezed up together. Perhaps they grew more aggressively where he was. By the time the babies have grown old and disagreeable it will be very pretty here, and then possibly they won’t like it; and, if they have inherited the Man of Wrath’s indifference to gardens, they will let it run wild and leave it to return to the state in which I found it. Or perhaps their three husbands will refuse to live in it, or to come to such a lonely place at all, and then of course its fate is sealed. My only comfort is that husbands don’t flourish in the desert, and that the three will have to wait a long time before enough are found to go round. Mothers tell me that it is a dreadful business finding one husband; how much more painful then to have to look for three at once! — the babies are so nearly the same age that they only just escaped being twins. But I won’t look. I can imagine nothing more uncomfortable than a son-in-law, and besides, I don’t think a husband is at all a good thing for a girl to have. I shall do my best in the years at my disposal to train them so to love the garden, and out-door life, and even farming, that, if they have a spark of their mother in them, they will want and ask for nothing better. My hope of success is however exceedingly small, and there is probably a fearful period in store for me when I shall be taken every day during the winter to the distant towns to balls — a poor old mother shivering in broad daylight in her party gown, and being made to start after an early lunch and not getting home till breakfast-time next morning. Indeed, they have already developed an alarming desire to go to “partings” as they call them, the April baby announcing her intention of beginning to do so when she is twelve. “Are you twelve, Mummy?” she asked.

  The gardener is leaving on the first of April, and I am trying to find another. It is grievous changing so often — in two years I shall have had three — because at each change a great part of my plants and plans necessarily suffers. Seeds get lost, seedlings are not pricked out in time, places already sown are planted with something else, and there is confusion out of doors and despair in my heart. But he was to have married the cook, and the cook saw a ghost and immediately left, and he is going after her as soon as he can, and meanwhile is wasting visibly away. What she saw was doors that are locked opening with a great clatter all by themselves on the hingeside, and then somebody invisible cursed at her. These phenomena now go by the name of “the ghost.” She asked to be allowed to leave at once, as she had never been in a place where there was a ghost before. I suggested that she should try and get used to it; but she thought it would be wasting time, and she looked so ill that I let her go, and the garden has to suffer. I don’t know why it should be given to cooks to see such interesting things and withheld from me, but I have had two others since she left, and they both have seen the ghost. Minora grows very silent as bed-time approaches, and relents towards Irais and myself; and, after having shown us all day how little she approves us, when the bedroom candles are brought she quite begins to cling. She has once or twice anxiously inquired whether Irais is sure she does not object to sleeping alone.

  “If you are at all nervous, I will come and keep you company,” she said; “I don’t mind at all, I assure you.”

  But Irais is not to be taken in by such simple wiles, and has told me she would rather sleep with fifty ghosts than with one Minora.

  Since Miss Jones was so unexpectedly called away to her parent’s bedside I have seen a good deal of the babies; and it is so nice without a governess that I would put off engaging another for a year or two, if it were not that I should in so doing come within the reach of the arm of the law, which is what every German spends his life in trying to avoid. The April baby will be six next month, and, after her sixth birthday is passed, we are liable at any moment to receive a visit from a school inspector, who will inquire curiously into the state of her education, and, if it is not up to the required standard, all sorts of fearful things might happen to the guilty parents, probably beginning with fines, and going on crescendo to dungeons if, owing to gaps between governesses and difficulties in finding the right one, we persisted in our evil courses. Shades of the prison-house begin to close here upon the growing boy, and prisons compass the Teuton about on every side all through life to such an extent that he has to walk very delicately indeed if he would stay outside them and pay for their maintenance. Cultured individuals do not, as a rule, neglect to teach their offspring to read, and write, and say their prayers, and are apt to resent the intrusion of an examining inspector into their homes; but it does not much matter after all, and I daresay it is very good for us to be worried; indeed, a philosopher of my acquaintance declares that people who are not regularly and properly worried are never any good for anything. In the eye of the law we are all sinners, and every man is held to be guilty until he has proved that he is innocent.

  Minora has seen so much of the babies that, after vainly trying to get out of their way for several days, she thought it better to resign herself, and make the best of it by regarding them as copy, and using them to fill a chapter in her book. So she took to dogging their footsteps wherever they went, attended their uprisings and their lyings down, engaged them, if she could, in intelligent conversation, went with them into the garden to study their ways when they were sleighing, drawn by a big dog, and generally made their lives a burden to them. This went on for three days, and then she settled down to write the result with the Man of Wrath’s typewriter, borrowed whenever her notes for any chapter have reached the state of ripeness necessary for the process she describes as “throwing into form.” She writes everything with a typewriter, even her private letters.

  “Don’t forget to put in something about a mother’s knee,” said Irais; “you can’t write effectively about children without that.” “Oh, of course I shall mention that,” replied Minora.

  “And pink toes,” I added. “There are always toes, and they are never anything but pink.”

  “I have that somewhere,” said Minora, turning over her notes.

  “But, after all, babies are not a German speciality,” said Irais, “and I don’t quite see why you should bring them into a book of German travels. Elizabeth’s babies have each got the fashionable number of arms and legs, and are exactly the same as English ones.”

  “Oh, but they can’t be just the same, you know,” said Minora, looking worried. “It must make a difference living here in this place, and eating such odd things, and never having a doctor, and never being ill. Children who have never had measles and those things can’t be quite the same as other children; it must all be in their systems and can’t get out for some reason or other. And a child brought up on chicken and rice-pudding must be different to a child that eats Spickgans and liver sausages. And they are different; I can’t tell in
what way, but they certainly are; and I think if I steadily describe them from the materials I have collected the last three days, I may perhaps hit on the points of difference.”

  “Why bother about points of difference?” asked Irais. “I should write some little thing, bringing in the usual parts of the picture, such as knees and toes, and make it mildly pathetic.”

  “But it is by no means an easy thing for me to do,” said Minora plaintively; “I have so little experience of children.”

  “Then why write it at all?” asked that sensible person Elizabeth.

  “I have as little experience as you,” said Irais, “because I have no children; but if you don’t yearn after startling originality, nothing is easier than to write bits about them. I believe I could do a dozen in an hour.”

  She sat down at the writing-table, took up an old letter, and scribbled for about five minutes. “There,” she said, throwing it to Minora, “you may have it — pink toes and all complete.”

  Minora put on her eye-glasses and read aloud:

  “When my baby shuts her eyes and sings her hymns at bed-time my stale and battered soul is filled with awe. All sorts of vague memories crowd into my mind — memories of my own mother and myself — how many years ago! — of the sweet helplessness of being gathered up half asleep in her arms, and undressed, and put in my cot, without being wakened; of the angels I believed in; of little children coming straight from heaven, and still being surrounded, so long as they were good, by the shadow of white wings, — all the dear poetic nonsense learned, just as my baby is learning it, at her mother’s knee. She has not an idea of the beauty of the charming things she is told, and stares wide-eyed, with heavenly eyes, while her mother talks of the heaven she has so lately come from, and is relieved and comforted by the interrupting bread and milk. At two years old she does not understand angels, and does understand bread and milk; at five she has vague notions about them, and prefers bread and milk; at ten both bread and milk and angels have been left behind in the nursery, and she has already found out that they are luxuries not necessary to her everyday life. In later years she may be disinclined to accept truths second-hand, insist on thinking for herself, be earnest in her desire to shake off exploded traditions, be untiring in her efforts to live according to a high moral standard and to be strong, and pure, and good—”