For the longest time, they let the wall hold up both their trembling bodies. He took his hand off her mouth and pulled out, but couldn’t quite rely on his knees to keep him upright. That and he didn’t want to let her go yet, so he put his arm around her waist, rested his forehead on her neck, and didn’t move.
Eventually, though, they had to separate. Just like the night on the beach, they pulled apart wordlessly. They fixed their clothes, and both ducked out to the restrooms down the hall to clean themselves up and straighten their appearances. No sense in both of them walking out of the building looking disheveled. Knowing their luck, someone would see them.
While Deanna was in the restroom, Nick leaned against his
desk and chewed his thumbnail. He wasn’t overcome with crushing guilt this time, but he knew they should have talked first. Still, how could they talk when they couldn’t even look at each other? Maybe now that they had this out of their systems—for the moment—they could talk it over once and for all. Or maybe they’d just made things worse. Fuck. This just kept getting more complicated.
Deanna returned a few minutes later, and they avoided each other’s eyes.
“I guess,” Nick said after a moment, “now we should talk.”
“Yeah, we should.” She hugged herself and didn’t look at him. “I think we’ve lost our credibility for claiming it was just a one time, heat of the moment thing, though.”
“At the time, it was,” he said. “I hadn’t thought about it until it happened, but after it did, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”
“We need to stop thinking about it,” she said, her voice wavering.
He wanted to say she was right. That they should pretend none of this had ever happened—twice—and move on. Maybe salvage their friendship, maybe keep their distance for a while until their attraction cooled, but… he didn’t.
He took a breath. “Can I ask you something?”
Without turning around, she nodded.
Nick swallowed hard. “If I had never been engaged to your sister, and what happened on the beach that night had just… happened, would—”
“Nick, please.”
He put a hand on her shoulder, praying to anyone he could think of that she wouldn’t pull away. “Would we be trying to avoid it?”
Beneath his hand, her shoulder sagged. “Does it matter? You were engaged to my sister.”
“I know. And I can’t change that. I can’t change what happened on the beach either.” He paused, moistening his lips. “And no matter how hard I try, I can’t change how I feel about you.”
Deanna tensed. She started to move, so he lifted his hand away, and his heart pounded as she slowly turned to face him. “What are you saying?”
“Look, I’m sorry for hurting Kristina,” he said, struggling to
keep his voice even. “But part of me… in a way…” He swore under his breath as he searched for the words, and finally, they just came out: “I don’t regret what happened on the beach.”
She stared at him. “What?”
“I regret how it happened,” he said. “And the fact that Kristina was hurt in the process keeps me awake every damned night. But even though I didn’t figure it out until later, it was because of that night that I realized I’m in love with you.”
“You…” She gulped. “You what?”
This time it was Nick who turned away, because he couldn’t stand the weight of her gaze anymore, and as soon as he broke eye contact, more words came, and they came fast: “I should have known a long time ago that Kristina and I weren’t right for each other. She was fun and I do love her, but you… Jesus, things have been different with you right from the start. You had Jason, so you weren’t available, but that also made you perfect. It made you exactly what I never realized until now is exactly the kind of woman I want to be with.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, barely whispering.
Nick closed his eyes and forced out a breath. “With you, I’ve always been able to be me. No putting on airs, no pretending to be this perfect gentleman I think every woman wants. I could just be me because you were…” Heart pounding, he made himself turn around and meet her eyes. “Because you are my friend. You’re my friend, and you put up with my bullshit like nobody else, and that’s why I’m in love with you, Deanna.”
“Nick…” His name slipped off her lips as little more than a soft breath, and she stared at him, eyes wide. “Are you…”
“I mean it,” he said. “Kristina was my fiancée, but I never had with her what I have with you, and I think that was the missing piece all along. That was why I can’t be with her, and it’s why I want to be with you, but I’m scared we fucked it up.”
She closed the distance between them, put her arms around him, and whispered, “I love you too.”
Nick kissed her, relief flooding his veins even as apprehension tightened his chest. Sure, the shared the same feelings now, and they were on the same page, but there was still one major
problem:
Kristina.
Deanna broke the kiss, and judging by the way she quickly broke eye contact, Nick didn’t doubt she’d been on the same train of thought.
He exhaled. “We need to talk to Kristina. We can’t do this behind her back.”
Deanna nodded. “I don’t want to do it without her blessing, to be honest. I want to be with you, but I…” She closed her eyes and sighed. “She’s my sister, Nick. I can’t do this if it hurts her.”
“I understand.” He smoothed her hair and kissed her gently. “And I wouldn’t think of making you choose between your sister and me.”
Deanna swallowed, but didn’t look at him.
He kissed her forehead. “This is the bed we made. We have to lie in it.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I just don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either.”
She sighed. “Do you think we should both talk to her?”
“No,” Nick said. “One or the other. At least in the beginning. Otherwise we’re rubbing salt in the wound just by being in the same room.”
“Which of us do you think would be worse?”
He shook his head. “I really don’t know.”
“Why don’t I give it a try?” Deanna said. “I can call her. See if she’ll let me come by.”
Nick nodded. “Let me know how it goes.”
“I will.”
There was no telling what would happen, if Kristina could possibly forgive them and give them her blessing, but they had each other now, and Nick did the only thing he could think to do.
He pulled Deanna close and kissed her again.
Nine
Facing Kristina after a one-time mistake was one thing. Now there was a second offense. And there were feelings involved. This wasn’t just an “oh shit, what did we do?” anymore.
For that matter, asking forgiveness was one thing, but asking for a blessing to continue? Another thing entirely.
Maybe one step at a time, Deanna thought on her way to Kristina’s the night after her “conversation” with Nick in his office. Discuss what happened. Settle that. Then talk about the future.
When her sister opened the door, Deanna didn’t have to ask if time had healed any of Kristina’s wounds. There was no less ice in her expression tonight than there was in the hotel hallway where they’d argued after Kristina found out what happened on the beach.
“What do you want?” she demanded.
“I want to talk,” Deanna said.
“And if I don’t?”
Never in her life had Deanna been more tempted to get down on her knees and beg, but she just said, “Kristina, I fucked up. And I’m sorry.”
Her sister glared at her for a long, silent moment. Then, “Is that all?”
“Please,” Deanna said. “Let’s sort this out. Or at least try to.” Please don’t tell me we can’t ever sort this out. Please give me a sign there’s some hope here.
Kristina final
ly forced out an exasperated breath and let Deanna inside.
The house wasn’t empty, but it was unmistakably devoid of
someone. Even if she hadn’t known that Nick was moving out, the signs of a recent or in-progress exit were all over the place. Nail holes on blank walls where pictures had been removed. The occasional conspicuous gap between knickknacks on shelves where she knew something—she couldn’t recall just what—was supposed to be. The place was definitely in a state of flux, and it must have driven Kristina insane.
In the kitchen, Kristina leaned against the island and folded her arms across her chest. “All right, talk.”
“I want to patch things up,” Deanna said.
Kristina’s forehead creased, her lip twisting into a semi-smirk that said nothing if not “You can’t be serious.”
Deanna forced herself not to be defensive. “You’re my sister, and I don’t want to lose you.”
“Should’ve thought of that—”
“I can’t change what happened,” Deanna said. “If I could, believe me, I would.”
“You know what?” Kristina said through clenched teeth. “I’m glad you fucked him. At least then I know what a slime ball he is, and I know what a backstabbing whore you are.”
Deanna winced and looked away.
Kristina wasn’t done, though. “I mean, what if I’d married him? How long would it have been before I caught the two of you together? So it’s just as well it happened when it did, and good riddance to both of you.” She narrowed her eyes. “Jesus, Deanna, you of all people, after what Jason did to you…”
“I never would have touched Nick if you two had stayed together,” Deanna said. “I never laid a hand on him while you two were still—”
“Oh, give me a fucking break,” Kristina snapped. “My relationship with him wasn’t even cold in the grave. For all I knew, there was still a chance of salvaging it right up until you…” She made a sharp gesture and her lips contorted with disgust.
“Your relationship was over,” Deanna said through gritted teeth. “There was no going back.”
“How the fuck do you know?” Kristina paused, holding her sister’s gaze, then looked away. “He told you that, didn’t he?”
“Yes. I’m sorry, Kris—”
“Save it.” Her sister glared at her. “And if you think I’m going to forgive either of you, save your goddamned breath.” She pointed down the hall toward the door. “I don’t want to see you or Nick again.”
Deanna struggled to keep both her temper and composure from cracking. “I’m your sister. You know me. You know—”
“I know I can’t trust you,” Kristina said. “How could I trust you around any man now that I know what you’ll—”
“Kristina, I—”
“How do I know this hasn’t happened before?”
Deanna’s jaw dropped. “You… you know me.”
“I thought I did.”
Deanna exhaled. “I don’t know what I can do to convince you we—”
“Then quit trying,” Kristina snapped. “You keep saying you didn’t want to hurt me, and you don’t want to hurt me. Then why the fuck are you dragging this up again? Why not just let it go, move on, and leave me alone?”
“Because I miss my sister,” Deanna said, her voice cracking. “I made a mistake. I’m not pretending I didn’t. But I don’t want to lose you over it.”
“Little too late for that, don’t you think?”
“So that’s it.” Deanna threw up her hands. “I fucked up. I’ve groveled. I’ve begged forgiveness. But you’re not willing to even consider hearing me out.”
“I’ve heard you out,” Kristina said. “And all I keep hearing is that if I hadn’t busted you, I’d never have known what had happened, and so you’re just sorry you got caught.”
“That isn’t true,” Deanna threw back.
“Isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not.”
“Whatever.” Kristina waved a hand, and when she spoke, every word was carved in ice. “Apologize all you want. As far as I’m concerned, the two of you deserve each other. But I don’t want to see or hear from either of you again.”
“Kristina—”
“Get out.”
“Listen to me, please. We—”
“I said, get out.”
Deanna got out. She left her sister’s house, got in the car, and numbly drove away, not sure if she wanted to go back and knock down the door so she could demand Kristina fucking listen to her, or if she just wanted to break down and cry.
On autopilot, she drove until Kristina’s house was out of sight. Then she pulled over and called Nick.
“Hey,” he said. “How did it go?”
“Not well.” Her voice wavered, and she put an unsteady hand to her lips. “I didn’t even get to discussing us. She won’t talk to me. At all.”
“Shit,” Nick said quietly. “Maybe I’d have better luck.”
“Somehow I doubt that.”
“It’s worth a try.”
“No,” she said. “Kristina’s really upset. We shouldn’t keep making it worse.”
“Deanna—”
“Just leave her be, Nick.” Deanna closed her eyes and sighed. “She’s been hurt enough.”
“What about us?”
“There can’t be an us,” she said. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.”
And before she could take back the words—and oh, God, she wanted to—she hung up.
Ten
Nick wasn’t giving up that easily. Not when he felt this strongly for Deanna or this guilty for hurting Kristina. He had to give it a try. Wasn’t like he had anything left to lose at this point.
This house wasn’t home anymore. Looking up at it from the front walk, Nick supposed it hadn’t been home for some time. Not since his doubts had begun to crystallize and he’d realized he and Kristina weren’t in it for the long haul. Sooner or later, something had been bound to break.
He continued up the walk and onto the porch. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, then knocked.
Footsteps on the other side made his heart beat faster, and he threw a glance skyward in a last bid for something to help him do this.
The lock clicked, and the door opened. Kristina jumped. “What are—why did you knock?”
“I, um…” He shifted his weight on the welcome mat. “I don’t live here anymore. Didn’t seem right to just barge in.”
“Whatever,” she muttered, and stood aside to let him in. As he stepped into the house, she added coldly, “Take whatever you need. I’ll be upstairs.”
“Actually,” he said. “I came to talk.”
Kristina’s hackles went up. She closed the door, and as she faced him, leaned against it. “What is there to say? Do you expect me to say I’m perfectly fucking thrilled that you and my sister hooked up?” She made a disgusted noise and looked away from him. “You two did what you did, but stop rubbing my face in it.”
“I want to talk about us, Kristina.”
Her head snapped toward him, and her eyes widened. “What about us?”
“I just want to talk,” he said. “I’m not asking you to take me back, I’m—”
“Well, maybe you’re not as dense as I thought.”
He sighed. “Kristina, this whole thing is complicated, and I’m trying my damnedest to smooth things out where I can.”
“Smooth things out?” She laughed bitterly. “Good luck with that.” She pushed herself off the door and started down the hall. “Get your shit and get out, Nick.”
“Give me fifteen minutes,” he said.
Kristina stopped.
“That’s all I’m asking for,” he said softly. “I just want to talk. If after fifteen minutes, you don’t want to discuss it any further, I’ll leave, and I’ll drop the subject. I promise.”
She folded her arms and fidgeted, setting her jaw as she avoided his eyes. For a long moment, she rocked back and forth from her heels to the balls of her feet. Then she f
orced out a breath through her nose. “Fine. Ten minutes.”
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