Bring Me Back Here

by A. M. Guilliams

  “I’ll let Loretta know to start your training tomorrow. I know you’ll be a great asset here in the office. But if you ever want a day to go out on tours or feel too stuffy, let me know and I’m sure I can get one of your brothers to cover for you for a day.”

  “Thank you, Daddy. You won’t regret this. I promise,” I said as I skipped out of his office. I felt like a kid in a candy store at the moment. I couldn’t wait to tell Gentry the good news. Finally, I felt like everything was falling into place.

  I stayed at the office and visited with Loretta for a while, listening to her stories and how she couldn’t wait to go see her grandkids once the next two weeks passed. Her face lit up as she talked about them. I’d surely miss her when she was gone.

  Before I realized it, lunchtime arrived. My brothers barreled into the office breaking mine and Loretta’s conversation up.

  “You three are going to track mud all in my office. You know better,” she said as she stood from her chair.

  “Yes, ma’am. We won’t move past the doorway. We just wanted to come let our loving sister know that Gentry was looking for her. And to give her shit for missing today’s tour,” Brooks spoke. The tone in his voice suggested he was actually scared of getting on Loretta’s bad side.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Loretta,” I told her as I stood. She smiled and gave me a questioning look. I’d let my dad tell her the good news.

  “It took all three of you to come to get me,” I razzed them as I walked in between them and through the door they’d left open.

  “We had to make sure the job got done,” Holden said as all they walked me out to where the four-wheeler was parked.

  “Sure you did. I’ll see you three later. I’ve gotta go find my man,” I replied as I got onto the four-wheeler.

  Before I started it, Leo spoke.

  “Why’d you miss the tour? That wasn’t like you.”

  “I’ll tell you guys at dinner.” I had to leave them hanging. It was only fair since they always messed with me when I was younger.

  I pulled away leaving them with shocked expressions on their faces. Served their asses right.

  I found Gentry taking the wheel barrel out of the barn when I arrived. I pulled up and parked in my usual spot before I rushed to greet him.

  “I take it the meeting went well?” he laughed as he caught me in his arms and spun me around with a laugh.

  “It did. I’ll start my training tomorrow with Loretta. Everything seems to be falling into place.” I actually said that and meant every word.

  “You just have one more thing to do.”

  “What’s that?” I asked as I pulled back, leaving my arms wrapped around his neck and giving him a questioning look.

  “Make the doctor’s appointment.”

  I knew I needed to. I just didn’t know if I could. I couldn’t handle another heartbreaking loss.

  “On a brighter note, I told my dad all about us living together at the house and about Dylan and Aspen’s shocking news,” I said as I tried to divert the conversation.

  “Ainsleigh,” he warned.

  “I know I need to. And I will. I just needed some good news in my life.”

  “And you’ll get even more good news at the appointment. Call the doctor today.”

  “You’ll go with me?”

  “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Now, about that conversation with your dad. How did he take that news?”

  I went on to tell him that my dad only wanted to make sure we weren’t rushing anything, and I had to be the one to tell my mom.

  “We’ll tell her together. You don’t have to do it alone.”

  “Thank you. I know you’ll be happy to not be sleeping above the barn anymore.”

  “I never minded it. I felt closer to you while I was there. It made the lonely nights bearable. Now that I have you home, I don’t need to feel close to you. I’ve got the real thing to keep me company and warm at night,” he replied as he kissed the tip of my nose.

  “When do you want to move in?” I asked.

  “As soon as possible,” he stated while his eyebrows rose and fell.

  “I wonder why,” I said as I let my arms fall and playfully smacked him on the shoulder.

  I’m glad we were back to our playful banter. Maybe he’d forget all about my need to make the appointment and focus solely on us moving into the house.

  CHAPTER 17

  Gentry

  I t took me seven days to convince her to contact the doctor and make an appointment. I understood her fears, but she needed to hear that everything was okay. For her sake and for mine. We talked to her parents and brothers around the dinner table a week ago, and yesterday we finally had everything moved into the house. Her brothers had razzed us, but we could take it. Her mother shocked us by tearing up and saying she was happy we were taking the next step even if she felt it was too soon. It wasn’t like we’d just met. We’d known each other almost our entire lives. We’d loved each other for so long not being with her felt like part of me was missing.

  Her foot bounced up and down frantically beside me, hitting my leg every so often. I placed my hand on her thigh just above her knee to calm her anxiety. She jerked her head in my direction, not realizing her movements.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just nervous.”

  “I can tell. There’s nothing to be nervous about. You’ll see.”

  Her eyes widened, and she turned her head away from me. I could see the questions running around in her mind before she looked away. I could also tell she’d locked her feelings up tight regarding our pregnancy. I didn’t try to pry. But after this appointment that would change. I needed her to stop bottling up her feelings and talk to me so we could work through them. Was I scared? Damn right I was. I didn’t want to lose another child, but I wouldn’t let that fear rule my life and keep me from loving and being excited about our unborn child. I would always wonder what our life would’ve been like if Arabella had lived, and I would make sure our unborn child knew how much we loved his or her sister. But right now, my main focus was making sure everything with this pregnancy remained uncomplicated and Ainsleigh was happy and healthy. Everything else could be put on the back burner for the next eight months. As long as we had a happy, healthy, and alive baby that’s all that mattered.

  “Miss Courtright,” a nurse called from the door leading to the exam rooms. I hated hearing her with that last name. I couldn’t wait to change it to mine.

  We both stood, and I could tell Ainsleigh had a hard time making her way back on shaky legs. I placed my hand on the small of her back to give her some of my strength and comfort as we followed the nurse.

  She took Ainsleigh’s weight, and we were led down an all too familiar hallway to the room we’d be placed in. The nurse held out her hand once we reached our destination, and we walked inside with her following behind.

  “I can wait outside for the next part,” I told Ainsleigh after the nurse instructed her to remove her clothing and put on the gown that was already on the table.

  She nodded as she went into the bathroom.

  Once she was finished, she came back into the room with her head down, looking toward the floor, as she silently climbed onto the table. She looked defeated and scared out of her mind.

  “Hey,” I said as I walked over to stand in front of her.

  She wouldn’t look at me. Tears welled in her eyes as she turned her head away. She blamed me for making her come here, but it was for her own good. For the baby’s own good.

  “Everything is going to be fine. The doctor is going to come in here and examine you, and you’ll see,” I tried to reassure her, but I wasn’t even sure she heard me. She stared blankly off into space. A knock sounded at the door before the doctor walked in. I was thankful that it was a woman. I didn’t feel right with another man seeing her.

  “I’ll be right outside that door. I won’t go far,” I whispered as I kissed the top of her head.

  “Can you come get me when you�
��re done with the exam? We both have questions we’d like to get answered,” I told the woman as I left the room.

  I hated leaving her, but I didn’t want to be in the way. Plus, this would give her time to say anything to the doctor that she didn’t want me to hear.

  What felt like forever and a day later, the door opened and the doctor motioned for me to come into the room.

  Instantly, I went to her side. Picking up her hand and placing it within mine, I looked over to the doctor to see what she had to say.

  “Everything is looking great. Based on the dates of her last menstrual cycle, I’d say she’s five weeks along. I received the blood work from the hospital, and everything also looks great on that end. You two will be happy parents by Valentine’s Day of next year.”

  I looked over at Ainsleigh, and she sat there unmoving as she took in the doctor’s words.

  “I’m sure you’ve read over her records and know about our last pregnancy. What are the odds of that happening again? We’re scared out of our minds we’ll lose this baby,” I asked the doctor what we both were desperate to know.

  “There’s a low risk of that occurring again. The placenta detached in her last pregnancy. With any pregnancy, anything can happen within the first trimester. As long as she keeps herself hydrated and stress free, I don’t see why you won’t have a happy, healthy little one.”

  “Can she still be around the horses? She loves to ride, but with her last pregnancy she got nauseous when she rode.”

  “She can still ride if she’s up to it. I’d suggest not doing anything too strenuous while riding, though. Just be careful and don’t walk behind the horse. I don’t want you to risk getting kicked. Do you have any more questions?”

  I hated having to ask this, but I wasn’t putting her or the baby in danger.

  “Can we still have sex? I don’t want to do anything that would cause anything to happen to either of them.”

  Ainsleigh actually snickered at my comment. Thank God something brought her out of the gloomy mood she was in.

  “You can. You won’t harm either of them. Sex is actually really healthy for her to partake in while she’s pregnant. Just nothing too crazy and she’ll be fine. I’ll see you in four weeks. We’ll get an ultrasound then. Keep taking your prenatal vitamins and remember to get plenty of rest and drink plenty of fluids. Just no caffeine.”

  The doctor quietly left the room. Without uttering a word, Ainsleigh hopped off the table and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. I felt like she was shutting me out too. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings by demanding this appointment. It was to help ease her fears. I had them too, but I refused to bring that negative energy around her. She needed me to be strong and optimistic for the both of us. Until she got out of her head and started to feel happy about this pregnancy, I’d continue to remind her every day how everything would be okay.

  She came out of the bathroom looking so beautiful my heart ached. I had to find a way to get her to see this baby was a blessing and nothing bad was going to happen to her or our little one.

  Ainsleigh walked past me and out the door. This was going to be a long thirty-minute drive to the ranch.

  “Do you feel better after the appointment?” I asked after we’d been on the road for about ten minutes. The silence within my truck became too much. I had to get her to talk to me somehow.

  Yet she didn’t reply. She just kept her head turned toward the window.

  “Ainsleigh, you can’t do this. We need to talk about everything. No more keeping it bottled up inside. You’ve done that for far too long. It’s not good for you or the baby.”

  At the mention of the baby, she jerked her head around and looked at me.

  “I know what’s good and not good for me. Right now, I’m scared out of my damn mind. I can’t be happy because it’ll destroy me in the end if something bad happens. And when I think that way, I feel like the worst mother in the world. This baby deserves for me to dote on it before he or she gets here. It deserves me to talk to him or her and plan our future. But I fucking can’t do that. I can’t plan it all out in my head, because if it all goes away, then what do I have?”

  “You have me. You’ll always have me. We’re in this together. Always. And you’re not a bad mother. You’re being cautious for good reason. But it’s okay to be cautious and happy at the same time. And if…”

  It hurt for me to even think of the ifs in this situation, but how could I not?

  “If something bad happens, we’ll handle it together this time. No more running. No more handling it by yourself. We’ll do it together. But this baby is going to be fine. You’re going to be fine. You’ll see.”

  “I don’t know how you do it. How do you not remember how it felt to lose her?”

  With that question, I pulled off the road. I had to look at her while I said these words to her. I put the truck in park and turned to face her.

  Picking up her hands, I pulled her into my lap.

  “Ainsleigh, I carry that pain with me every day of my life. I will never, and I mean never, forget how it felt that day when we were told she was gone before she even got the chance to live. But I can’t go on not living. I can’t go on and not be happy about the other life we created together. Were either of them planned? No. But that doesn’t mean I love them any less. I will always carry Arabella in my heart. But I want this with you more than anything in the world. I want to see you in the middle of the night feeding our child. I want sleepless nights and all the craziness that goes on with having a new baby. As nutty as it sounds, I can’t wait for next February to arrive so we can meet him or her and for all the craziness to begin.”

  She climbed into my lap and sobbed after she finally heard the words I said to her.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m a shitty person. I keep thinking about my pain, and I didn’t even consider what your fears were. I want to be happy. I really do. I’m just scared it’ll all be taken from me the moment I let that happiness into my life.”

  “You can’t live that way, beautiful. We’ll talk about these fears. Together. We’ll share every moment of this pregnancy. Together. And when the time comes, we’ll welcome this beautiful new life into our lives,” I told her, meaning every damn word out of my mouth.

  “Together,” she finished.

  “Exactly. Now let’s get you home. I need to take care of you. And we need to figure out when we’re going to tell everyone.”

  She nodded and slipped off my lap and returned to the passenger seat. Once she was settled I placed the truck into drive and headed in the direction of our house. Man, it felt nice finally being able to say that.

  CHAPTER 18

  Ainsleigh

  I was such a bitch. I knew I was being a little irrational with my feelings. I should feel grateful about this new blessing in our lives. There were women out there who would die to have what we were getting ready to bring into the world, and yet I had this uneasy feeling that I didn’t know if I could go through this again.

  He didn’t deserve the way I’d shunned him at the doctor’s office.

  This baby didn’t deserve me questioning if I could bring he or she into this world.

  He or she deserved me to be happy about its upcoming arrival.

  We pulled into the driveway at the house and parked.

  I didn’t wait for Gentry to come around and open the door for me.

  I had to do something before we talked.

  Entering the house on a mission, I walked through the living room and down the hallway to the last door on the right.

  A door that I had to enter on my own this time.

  I reached for the knob. My fingers shook the entire time it took my hand to grasp the handle and turn the knob. With a push, the room that should’ve been Arabella’s came into view. In a few short months, I’d have to stop calling this Arabella’s room and start referring to it as this little one’s room.

  “You don’t have to do anything right now, Ainsleigh,�
� he said as he walked up behind me.

  I ignored his words as I walked inside the space.

  Would the walls still need to remain pink? Or would they be painted a light shade of blue instead? Either way, I didn’t care. A heathy baby was all that mattered. One that got to breath its first breath. One that got to cry for the first time. One that I got to nourish and love and watch grow.

  I put my hand on my stomach and let the tears fall as I dropped to my knees on the floor.

  “Ainsleigh,” Gentry yelled from behind me as he tried but failed to catch me.

  “I miss her so damn much it hurts,” I said through the tears I didn’t bother to wipe away.

  “Me too, baby. Me too,” he replied as he sat down behind me and pulled me into his arms. I turned and laid my head on his shoulder as I cried out all the pain I was currently feeling.

  Minutes passed and Gentry just rocked me as I got it all out. He was such a good man. He’d given up his family for Arabella and me. He’d fought for what he believed in. Our love. I was so damn proud to call him mine. Our child would be so lucky to have him as its father.

  Pulling back from him, I wiped the tears from my face and caught my breath. I had to tell him. He needed to know that I didn’t take our love for granted. He needed to hear that however much fear I felt, I wanted this baby. Our baby.

  “I love you,” I told him as I leaned down and rubbed my nose against his.

  “And I love you.”

  “I’m sorry for earlier. I let my fear take hold to protect my heart from hearing bad news. I can’t say it won’t happen again, but I’ll work on getting control over it.”

  “You have every right to feel the way you do. You had a traumatic experience with your first pregnancy. But you can’t do that to yourself. You’ll worry yourself sick thinking of the what ifs.”

  “I know, and I’ll try. I also need to thank you.”

  “For what, beautiful?”

  “Loving me. Us,” I said as I moved his hand from behind me and placed it on my stomach.

  “You don’t have to thank me for that. You make it easy to love you,” he replied as he gently moved his fingers back and forth over my shirt.