Bring Me Back Here

by A. M. Guilliams

  I sat down on the couch next to him with my legs underneath me as I placed the drinks on the table and grabbed my plate.

  Holden had a worried look on his face as he put his plate in his lap and turned toward me.

  “Go on and get it out so we can enjoy our night,” I told him as I took a bite of the supreme pizza.

  “What?”

  “You know what. I know you’ve got something on your mind. You were never good at hiding your emotions. So get it out in the open.”

  He let out a sigh, and I knew this conversation was going to be deep.

  “I’m worried. How can I not be? I saw you that day. I held you in my arms and thought we were going to lose you both. And then you left, and we never had the chance to talk about any of it. I didn’t know what to say to you that I hadn’t already said. I’ve never talked about any of it with any one,” he replied as he took a bite of pizza. I could see the unshed tears as they pooled in his eyes, and tears formed within my own.

  “You never told anyone? That’s not good for you, Holden,” I replied, feeling like the hypocrite I knew I was. He’d done the same thing I’d done.

  “Like it wasn’t good for you?” he threw back in my face, and I deserved the words. This talk had been a long time coming.

  “It wasn’t any good for me. I bottled the pain, and it wasn’t healthy. I’ve just began healing, and it’s been four years. I’ve just allowed myself to fully grieve for her, and it’s so damn hard. The hurt and pain I’ve felt every day is now at the forefront of my mind instead of in the recesses where I kept it hidden unless I was alone.”

  “Can I see them?” he asked, and I cocked my head to the side questioning what he meant.

  “The tattoos. I know you have them. Gentry told us about them one day.”

  I placed the now half empty plate on the table and turned around. Her handprint was on my left shoulder. I jumped at his soft touch as he took the tip of his finger and traced each and every line of her tiny handprint. Once he was finished, he placed his hand on top of hers and let out a shaky breath. I let him have his moment as he grieved the niece he lost that day.

  When he pulled his hand back, I took that as my cue to turn around. The tears that pooled at the bottom of his eyelids now freely flowed down his cheeks. In all my years, this was the second time I’d seen him cry. The first was when we’d lost Arabella.

  I lifted up my right foot and placed it in his lap to show him the footprint that was forever etched on my skin. Just like before, he traced each and every line with the tip of his finger. Only this time, I could see the expression on his face as he took in the black piece of art. The tattoo artist made it look so realistic that it took my breath away every time I looked down and saw it.

  I stayed as still as I could until he was finished, and he looked up at me.

  I’d never seen him this broken before.

  “I’m sorry,” he choked out as the emotion took him over and he wept.

  I pulled my foot from his lap and pulled him into a hug. He broke down even further in my arms. My strong and loving brother sobbed while I held him and tried not to break down myself. I rubbed his back to comfort him as he let every tear fall.

  “I should’ve done more,” he said between the sobs.

  “Hey, you couldn’t have done any more than you did. None of us could,” I said as I pulled back and placed my hands on either side of his face, making him look up at me.

  “You can’t do that to yourself anymore, Holden. There’s no blame to place. Especially on you.”

  “You don’t blame me?”

  “I never once blamed you. You didn’t cause me to lose her. I placed that blame solely on myself until just recently.”

  “Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night swearing I can still feel your blood on my arms. I scrub and scrub, but it’s still there. That day haunts me,” he confessed.

  Shit.

  I never knew.

  I should’ve known.

  I should’ve been here to help him through this.

  To help all of them through this.

  The way I knew they would’ve helped me.

  Running did this.

  All I could do now was try to help him through it the same way Gentry was helping me through my grief.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you, Holden. So damn sorry,” I replied as my tears won their battle and started to flow freely from my eyes.

  It was his turn to pull me in for a hug.

  I shut my eyes as the tears continued to fall and held on tight to the brother who I always shared a special bond.

  We cried for the little girl we both lost.

  We cried for the time we’d never get back.

  We cried for all the heartache we’d endured.

  But most of all, we cried for the pain we’d yet to share.

  We pulled back moments later, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of us.

  “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” I joked as I wiped the tears from my face.

  “We sure are. Sorry for the breakdown. I didn’t want tonight to go that way.”

  “Hey. Don’t do that. We needed to let it out. Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

  “I’m just worried about you. About this pregnancy.”

  “I am too. I try not to be since stress isn’t good for me. But it’s still there. I’ll feel better next week when we get to see him or her and I can see for myself that everything is okay.”

  “You’ll tell me if anything’s wrong, right? At any moment. I don’t care what time of day or night it is.”

  “You sound just like Gentry.”

  “I’m serious, Ainsleigh. I can’t take it if something else happens. I barely survived last time.”

  “I promise to tell you. Would you like to go with us next week?”

  “Isn’t that a time for just you and Gentry? I don’t want to impose.”

  I could tell at the mere suggestion that he liked the idea with the way his eyes lit up.

  “You wouldn’t be imposing. You’d be there supporting us.”

  “As long as Gentry doesn’t mind, I’d love to be there. I’ve never experienced something like that.”

  “I’m sure he won’t mind. I’ll let him know.”

  “I love you, Ainsleigh,” he replied as he leaned against the back of the couch.

  “And I love you, big brother. Now how about some ice cream and a movie.”

  “Yes, to the ice cream, but no to the movie if you want to watch a chick flick. I can’t take that shit,” he said with a laugh. I was glad the mood lightened. I hoped Gentry didn’t mind if he tagged along. It looked like he needed the reassurance that everything was okay with this baby as much as Gentry and I did.

  “No chick flick. Tonight. No promises for future movie nights. How about American Sniper?”

  “Now that I can handle. I’ll find the movie. You grab the ice cream.”

  “Deal,” I replied as I hopped off the couch.

  I made us both a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and walked into the living room just as Holden pressed play on the movie.

  I finished the bowl before the movie even began and laid my head in Holden’s lap just like I used to. And just like he used to, he pulled my hair out of the hair tie and began to play with my hair.

  All was right with the world at this moment.

  I felt like I finally had my brother back.

  Halfway through the movie I felt myself drift off to sleep.

  Only this time, I slept soundly. More soundly than I had while I was away.

  I woke to the sound of keys in the lock of the door.

  Groggily, I sat up and wiped my face with my hands. Looking over, I noticed that Holden had fallen asleep as well. He looked so peaceful while he slept.

  I walked over to the doorway just as Gentry unlocked the door and entered the house.

  “You look like you just woke up, pretty girl. How was movie night?”<
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  “It was good. We had a long, overdue chat, and I stayed awake for half of the movie,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist. I just needed to be in his arms. Feel safe from his touch alone.

  “You okay?” he asked with a worried tone.

  “I am now,” I said as I snuggled into his chest even more.

  “How about we lock up and head to bed? You gonna wake him or let him sleep here?”

  “I’ll let him sleep here. I’m gonna grab him a blanket from the closet. Can you let Brooks and Leo know he’s staying? We don’t need a search party in the morning?”

  From past experiences, my brothers and parents would be here at the crack of dawn searching for him if he didn’t make it home.

  “Sure thing,” he replied as he kissed the top of my head and stepped around me to take his boots off.

  I went to the closet and grabbed Holden a pillow and a soft blanket so he’d at least be comfortable.

  Quietly, I walked over to the couch where he slept and tapped him on the shoulder so he could stretch out.

  “Yeah,” he grumbled, still mostly asleep.

  “Lay down, Holden. I’ve got you a pillow and a blanket. You can sleep on the couch here tonight.”

  “Thanks, sis,” he replied as he slipped off his shoes and got comfortable on the couch.

  I slipped the pillow under his head and covered him with the blanket.

  “Love you,” I whispered as I placed a kiss on top of his head.

  “Love you too,” he whispered as he drifted back to sleep.

  I shut off the lights as I made my way down the hallway to mine and Gentry’s bedroom.

  Aspen and Dylan hadn’t made it home yet, and I was giddy about the fact that they were still out having the time of their lives.

  I walked into the room and shut the door behind me.

  I was exhausted from the work day and the emotional conversation with Holden.

  I pulled back the comforter and climbed into bed as I waited for Gentry to come out of the bathroom.

  Just as I got comfortable on my left side, he emerged with only a pair of boxer briefs on.

  If I wasn’t so tired, I’d take advantage of him being nearly naked.

  He climbed into bed, and once he was situated I snuggled into his side.

  “Why do you look like you’ve been crying?” he asked as he shut off the bedside lamp.

  “Holden and I had a much-needed talk. It got emotional, but it was long overdue.”

  “He didn’t upset you about the pregnancy, did he?”

  “Not at all. He’s just worried. He told me some things he still suffers with, and it broke my heart. Would you mind if he came with us on Tuesday? I think he needs to see this baby is okay just as much as we do. He’s still grieving hard over Arabella’s loss,” I asked as I sat up enough to look over at him.

  “Of course, he can. I’m sorry he’s still hurting. He never said anything to me,” Gentry replied as he pulled me in closer to him.

  I rested my head on his shoulder.

  “He never told anybody. The things he confessed tonight were deep. He needed me, and I wasn’t here. That hurt the most,” I confessed.

  “You’re here now, and you can be here for him as much as he’ll allow. You can’t dwell on what could’ve been, pretty girl. It’ll eat you alive if you try,” he replied as he kissed the side of my head.

  I knew he was right. He usually was. I’d never tell him that, though. It’d be my little secret.

  I just had to make sure I made more time for my brother. He needed me, and this time I wouldn’t let him down.

  CHAPTER 23

  Gentry

  T oday was the day we got to see our little one on the screen. Ainsleigh’s father graciously gave the three of us the afternoon off so that we could go to the appointment. We got a good laugh when Brooks and Leo pouted because they weren’t able to go. I’d pulled them both aside and explained that Holden needed this more than they knew. They gave me questioning glances so I’d elaborate, but I didn’t go into further detail. Instead, I told them Holden would explain it to them if he felt up to it.

  Silence filled Ainsleigh’s Jeep as we drove to the doctor’s office in town. I could feel Ainsleigh’s anxiety from across the vehicle. Her leg bounced up and down as she stared out the window with her head leaned against the glass. Looking in the rearview mirror, I noticed Holden’s expression was the same as hers. This was supposed to be a happy time that all parents looked forward to. However, this instance we were all wondering the same what if questions.

  What if there’s no heartbeat?

  What if there’s something wrong with the baby?

  I reached across the console and grabbed Ainsleigh’s hand. She jumped at my touch, but turned toward me and gave a weak smile.

  “He or she is going to be just fine.”

  I didn’t add I promise to the end of that sentence.

  I couldn’t.

  “Yeah, sis. That baby is going to be perfect,” Holden said from the backseat with a shaky voice. He was trying his best to sound truthful, but I’d heard the hesitation in his voice as he spoke.

  She didn’t respond.

  She just continued to stare blankly out of the windshield, holding onto my hand now for dear life. I tried to let go of her hand to switch driving positions, but she gripped me tighter, refusing to let go.

  So I held on, hoping she pulled some strength from me to ease her nerves.

  When we pulled into the parking lot fifteen minutes later, she gasped and her leg shook more.

  I parked the Jeep, shut down the engine, and turned toward her.

  “You and this baby are going to be just fine. Stress isn’t good for either of you. Take a deep breath and relax. In a few short moments, we’re going to see him or her for the first time, and you’ll see that I’m right and can stop stressing as much.”

  “But what if…?” she started to ask, but I stopped her from finishing by putting my pointer finger on her lips.

  “We’re not going to think that way. We’re not going to mutter that question and put that possibility out into the universe. Instead, we are going to think happy, positive thoughts as we get out of this Jeep and walk inside. Those happy thoughts are going to continue throughout this appointment and the rest of this pregnancy. There’s no room for any other ones.”

  She pondered over my words for a few minutes before she nodded and let go of my hand.

  The three of us walked into the office with our heads held high. Holden and I took a seat while Ainsleigh checked herself in. The office was packed full of expectant mothers and fathers in various stages of their pregnancies.

  Ainsleigh walked over moments later and sat down between her brother and me. She rested her head on my shoulder and let out a sigh. I knew then that while she had heard the words I’d said in the Jeep, she was having a hard time believing them.

  “Miss Courtright,” a nurse called from the opposite side of the room about twenty minutes later. Hearing her last name still remaining something other than my own caused me to clinch my teeth. I couldn’t wait until I could hear someone call out my last name when referencing her. The sooner the better.

  The nurse weighed Ainsleigh and then led us to a different room than we’d been in last time. Vaguely, I remembered seeing a room similar to this the last time she was pregnant.

  “Go ahead and get undressed from the waist down. There’s a gown in the restroom for you to put on while you wait for the ultrasound technician to come in,” the nurse said before she shut the door behind her.

  “Why do you have to get undressed?” Holden asked.

  “They can’t see the baby from the other type of ultrasound. They have to use a wand from inside of me to see him or her. I’m sorry, Holden. I should’ve thought about that before I invited you. If this makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to stay,” Ainsleigh told him from the doorway of the restroom.

  “No worries, sis. I’ll man up and handle it.
I wouldn’t miss this for the world,” Holden told her with a smile as he sat down in one of the chairs across from the table.

  Ainsleigh came out of the restroom and just as I helped her onto the table, a knock sounded at the door.

  A woman in her late twenties walked in with a big smile on her face.

  “Good afternoon, everyone. I’m Becca. I’ll be your ultrasound technician today. Are you ready to see a baby?” she asked as she turned on the monitor and grabbed the wand from a compartment on the side of the machine.

  “We are,” I spoke when neither of them had taken the opportunity to reply.

  “Alrighty then. Let’s get to it, shall we? Miss Courtright, scoot down and place your feet in the stirrups and we’ll get to see your little one,” the ultrasound technician instructed.

  I stood at the side of the table as Ainsleigh got comfortable on the table, placing her feet in the stirrups. The nice woman placed a blanket over top of Ainsleigh’s legs and placed some gel on the wand before she began. When Ainsleigh winced from discomfort, I wanted to tell her to stop, but I refrained. We all stared anxiously at the screen as we waited. The nurse clicked on some buttons as she measured different things, and then my world stood still. She pointed to the screen and showed us our little baby.

  “She’s as small as a little bean,” Holden said.

  “She?” Ainsleigh questioned.

  “One can only hope,” he responded.

  “Well, he or she is measuring perfectly at nine weeks’ gestation,” Becca told us, and I felt an instant relief wash over me.

  She clicked on some more buttons, and tears filled my eyes when the sound of the baby’s heartbeat filled the small space.

  “Is that?” Holden questioned.

  “That’s your niece or nephew’s heartbeat,” Ainsleigh told him.

  “Nice and strong at one hundred and sixty-three beats per minute.”