First was that if Jared was going to put me on the spot like this, today of all days, he deserved to squirm a little.
The second was even better. I didn’t need closure. It might have been that everything else had grown so big that they overshadowed the earlier trigger. Or maybe it had to do with feeling something so much deeper. Realizing that Jared, and everything I’d felt for him, all the quirky, excited emotions were nothing. Like an early dew on your shoes after walking through a hurricane.
He shuffled a little and finally stared at me. Just stared at me. I could almost read the thoughts flashing through his mind, as he looked deeper than he had before, trying to see what was so wrong with me that I’d put my hand through a mirror and had to be hospitalized.
Can you hear that? Thank goodness I’m free of the crazy girl.
His gaze skittered away and I wondered what exactly he was afraid of. “I just wanted to see how you were and say I’m sorry.”
He wanted to see me today? And what in the world was he sorry for? Breaking up with me? Doing what I’d done too many times? Letting me be free to find something more right for me?
“I feel…” Another fadeout. Jared needed to work on his communication skills. “I feel horrible about my part in all this.”
“Your part?” I actually wasn’t goading him. Seriously? What was he talking about?
“I know that our breakup kind of started everything, and I—”
“Stop right there.” This was too much self-involvement even for me, maybe especially for me. “You dumping me did not start this. I’ve been dealing with this since before you moved here—since before you were even in high school. So, whatever you’re trying to do here, stop. If you feel bad because you told me we were great together and dumped me the next day, well you should. But if you’re trying to take on the responsibility of this final meltdown—get over yourself.” And then, because I guess I wasn’t as over being dumped as I’d thought I was I added, “I have.”
That would have been my cue to make a fan-tab-ulous exit. Only, I was still waiting for Amy and there really wasn’t anywhere to gracefully storm off to.
After a moment, I made a little shooing motion at him. “Off you go now.”
I was still a little harsh on boys. Okay, just this one.
Jared didn’t move, just kind of looked at me like he was supposed to do something for the crazy girl.
“Is there a problem here?” The voice that broke in wasn’t aggressive. It was worried. Protective. It was everything I needed right then and wouldn’t have admitted even to Dr. Meadows.
Chris stood off to the side, both hands wrapped around the bag strap draped diagonally across his chest.
Jared really didn’t look like he had an answer. Did he think there was a problem? Did he know he was the problem?
Probably not. Just saying.
“No. I was just, you know…”
Again with the fade out. With fresh eyes, that move seemed kind of cowardly, but I couldn’t be positive if I was just being too hard on him. How had I never noticed that when we were dating? Maybe it was a new thing, because I’m pretty sure it would have annoyed the hell out of me if he did that all the time.
Chris glanced my way and it suddenly dawned on me he wasn’t certain where he stood in this little non-love triangle. I don’t know what he saw, but when he turned back to Jared he seemed more confident. Not the annoying cocky guy I’d re-met a few weeks ago, but strong. Sure.
“I’m going to assume your intentions here are good, but really, your timing kind of sucks.” He glanced back at me, probably taking in the smile I was fighting. “Actually, any timing would suck. So, you tossed a good thing and screwed up. I’d really appreciate it if you steered clear of Rachel.”
Only, it didn’t sound like a request. It sounded like a command. Jared knew when he was outranked.
“Oh.” Jared looked at me, his eyes soft like a puppy wanting to come inside. Where was his girlfriend when I needed her to distract him? I’m not sure whether it was Chris telling him to take off or if it suddenly dawned on him what an ass he was being. “Yeah. Okay.”
When Jared’s hand rose, Chris stepped forward putting himself between us. Both guys looked surprised by the move as Jared adjusted the strap of his backpack.
“Rachel, sorry for, you know…” This time I chose to accept the fadeout for what it was—a confused guy not knowing what to say.
“It’s fine.” And suddenly, it was. With Chris standing beside me being all protective, it really was fine.
Jared headed down the empty hall, his head cocked off to one side like he was listening to something.
“I hope that was okay.” Chris took a step back out of my dance space.
“Actually, I think I needed that more than he did.” I closed my locker and slung my bag over my shoulder. “But, thanks.”
He nodded, his gaze drifting toward the ground. “I know I didn’t have the right to step in, but if you need it, ever, let me know.”
“My hero.” I marred the sarcasm with a smile.
We stood there, just kind of taking each other in for a second. Not really doing or saying anything. It was the least awkward silence I’ve ever had.
“Why don’t I walk you to your car?”
I wanted that. Not just to avoid any more first-day-back weird moments, but to be near him—to keep that new feeling between us fresh.
“I was waiting for Amy.” I glanced at my watch and realized it had only been about five minutes since Jared had first walked up. Time really flies when you’re having your guts ripped out.
Chris looked up and down the hall before cracking a grin. “Text her.”
We’d made it through the school and almost to my car without a word, without a touch. We were walking so close I imagined I could feel the heat coming off him, but never once did he reach to take my hand to close the gap.
It was more intense than I would have expected.
At the car, he leaned a hip against the hood. “So, I’ll take off. Let you wait for Amy.”
This giving each other space thing was going to be hard. I’d told myself all week I didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to be near him. But, as I watched him study me in darting glances that wouldn’t meet my eye, I knew I’d be waiting for moments just like this one. Slow, easy moments that would start to ease the pain he’d shot at me.
“Thanks.” I stepped around my open door, putting a real barrier up with the emotional ones we’d agreed on.
His ears turned pink as he pushed off of the car with a grin. “Be good, Rachel.”
I refrained from throwing anything at him as he walked away.
Chapter 27
The first month after sped by slowly. It just depended on the day…okay, the minute even. But, as the half-term came to a close, there was one plan I hadn’t wanted to give up on. Even if the guest list changed a bit.
“Mom!” I was too lazy to find the remote. Yelling was easier. “It’s about to start. There’s poetry and stuff. This is not how the play starts.”
My mom plopped down on the couch next to me, handed me a diet Coke and a plate for our this-has-no-calories-tonight pizza.
“Poetic license,” she said. “Count yourself lucky. You won’t be trying to open your essay with ‘Hey nonny nonny’.”
My sisters were sleeping over somewhere else and my mom had blocked off the night just for us. She knew this had been the plan for mid-terms—the watch the movie to refresh the book thing—for Chris and I. I love that she got it was important to do this for me.
Watching Much Ado About Nothing was about knowing I wasn’t waiting. That I could do things we’d said we’d do together without him. That I didn’t need a guy—any guy—to have a life. A good life.
It was hard to believe this was Shakespeare. It was funny and exciting and romantic. The costumes were great and no one pretended to talk with a funny accent.
Plus, mom and I love Denzel Washington. Totally love him.
> Emma Thompson was brilliant as Beatrice. And, it was scary to say, I saw some of myself in the character I couldn’t see before as we’d slowly read through it. I could see how her uncertainty mingled with poise. How sometimes Beatrice overplayed her confidence. How Benedict messed with her heart even as she kept loving him. Hating him. Loving him. How they were a mess apart and yet together, when they stopped hurting each other, they made sense. They helped and healed each other in ways they couldn’t have managed apart.
“You know this isn’t a sad movie, right?” Mom handed me a napkin free of pizza grease. “No matter what, you put yourself out there. Be brave because that’s who you are. And I’ll have emergency cookie dough in the fridge in case he doesn’t live up to who I know he is.”
I know, I know. Best mom ever, right?
Chapter 28
Bowling. Who would have ever thought I’d look forward to bowling?
Self-admitting deal: It wasn’t the bowling I was looking forward to. I’m not sure if anyone else realized it, but tonight was the one-month mark on the way to three. An odd little anniversary. If not for Chris and me, then just for me. A month of sanity.
Well, that’s what I called it. Dr. Meadows and my mom didn’t like that as much. They kept telling me I wasn’t insane. I guess I’d rubbed their sense of humor a little raw lately.
Getting ready was easier. Meds were still my friend. Only this time around I wasn’t resenting them. I saw them for what they were. A tool for getting better, not a crutch to hide from everything I thought people saw.
That didn’t mean I didn’t want to change fourteen times. It just meant I didn’t have to. Well, not as much. When the knock came at my door, I was ready to go.
“Amy’s downstairs.” She knocked again, lighter. A question.
“Come in, Mom.” I applied one last coat of Polish Me Pink as she stepped behind me in the mirror. Both of us kind of frozen there for that less-than-a-second moment where everything could have fallen apart. Would have fallen apart the month before.
Her smile, the one I held onto for the last month, bloomed. I loved it. I loved seeing it for me. I loved watching my sisters learn to look me in the eye again.
“Another big night out for you guys.” She brushed my hair over my shoulder as she tugged me to face her. “I’m glad you have more than just me and Amy now. You seem to have a nice group too.”
“I know. If I could get Ben to stop asking me out every other day, life may start to feel normal again.”
Mom sat on my bed as I tugged my shoes on, and I knew what was coming.
“How’s our boy?”
Chris was now our boy. He’d been my mom’s boy longer than he’d been mine. Not that he was mine. He was not mine.
But, for my mom, he was the kid she wanted to coddle. Which would probably secretly—maybe not so secretly—overjoy him.
“Fine. Still at the Parkers. Still doing his twice-a-weeks. Off the crutches.”
“Good. And?”
And? Geez. No pressure, Mom.
“And I have no idea.”
She smiled again.
“Good. Sweetheart, figure your stuff out first and if you still want him, make him work for it.” With that, she dropped a kiss on my forehead and almost skipped out the door.
At least she wasn’t wearing those DIVA shorts.
~*~
I tried not to think about the fact that bowling automatically equaled everyone looking at my ass. I also tried very hard—but not too hard, obviously—not to look at Chris’s. I did, of course, make a show of looking at Ben’s. And throwing stuff at it when it was his turn.
Basically, it was a normal night out with a group of friends. My new normal.
I loved my new normal.
“Um, Rach…el?” Chris kind of cleared his throat from behind me.
I loved that he started to use the shorter nickname. I loved that he was conscious enough of the weirdness to cover that slip.
“I was wondering if I could talk to you for a sec.” He looked so unsure.
My, “Sure” was loudly overridden by Ben’s, “Absolutely not.”
Yeah, Ben had become Over Protective Guy. If it wasn’t so adorable—and he didn’t keep reminding me I owed him for accusing him of being in love with Luke—I’d be highly annoyed. Instead, I just rolled my eyes.
“Sure.” This time, I directed the answer right at Mr. Protective.
“You two know the rules.” Ben actually folded his arms over his chest. “He doesn’t get to get you alone.”
“I don’t think standing over there is alone.” I pointed at the edge of the snack area.
“You know exactly what I mean. No one-on-one time.”
“Seriously, Ben. A sec. He asked for a second. Not even a full minute.”
Ben snorted and glared at Chris at the same time. “Yeah. Every guy knows how to ask for minimal time while plotting a full takeover.”
“What am I, a third world country? When did you go nuts?” Before Ben could answer I reached for my purse. “Don’t worry. I know a good doctor. Her number’s right in here.”
“Ha. Ha. You’re just a riot. I’m not letting him—”
“Stop. That’s enough.” Apparently Chris wasn’t as used to our bickering as we were. “I only want a minute or two. Ben, you can time me for all I care. I’m not absconding with her.”
“Look at you.” I smiled up at him. “That new English tutor must really know his vocabulary.”
Now he was scowling at me too.
“Fine.” Ben stepped back, still glaring. “But don’t go too far.”
He seriously said that. Like the bowling alley was two or three miles long. The weird part was, Ben seemed to be pulling for us the most. He was the one who, when I started to doubt myself or Chris or the feelings I might have for Chris, would always say, “Don’t sweat it. Ride it out. Let him get to a good place and you get there too.” So the big brother routine felt odd. And yet good, too. It had been a long time since anyone but my mom was looking out for me.
Chris and I stopped at the edge of the snack area and leaned against the half-wall, neither really looking at the other.
“So, one month today you’ve been doing the outpatient thing.” Chris cleared his throat and stuck his hand in his coat pocket. “Kind of a big deal, ya know.”
I nodded. I knew. For me, it was huge.
“I just wanted to say I think that’s great and I got you this.” He pulled something from his pocket, shiny and round.
I couldn’t help but watch as he rolled it between his fingers, a length of leather with silver clasps cutting through its center.
“It’s from the bridge. It’s a nut.” He ran his thumb over the softened edges. “Bolts hold things together, but the nuts hold the bolts in place. They’re tiny, but in some ways they’re the strongest part of a structure.” Those ears of his were turning pink. “Like you.”
He took my hand, but before he could drop the nut into my palm, Ben’s voice came from the chairs a few feet away.
“No touching.”
I swear, as soon as I found out who his mystery girl was, the torture would begin. For realsies. For now, a glare would have to do.
I closed my fingers around the small, polished nut knowing that moment I’d always keep it on me. A touchstone, a compass. Only Chris had realized how important today was. For me, just for me.
“Thanks,” I said, as he stepped back. And really, what more was there to say?
Chapter 29
I settled into the overstuffed chair and ran my hands along the arms, just one more nervous habit I carried. You’d think three months of two-a-week outpatient meetings would cure that as well. But no. I wrapped my hand around the polished nut I wore around my neck. No one but me thought my a-nut-for-a-nut joke was funny. Seventy-six days—you’d think these people would get their sense of humor back by now.
“So, Rachel. Congratulations.” Dr. Meadows grinned at me. She really was happy. “You’re down to t
wo visits per week. That’s a big jump in a short time. How do you feel about that?”
“Not bad. It’s nice not to have to come in every night—you know, because of homework and school.” I stopped, letting the real answers soak in. “It feels good to come in though. You know? There’s a place I know I’m going to deal with this crap. And you’re going to make sure I don’t freak out.”
“So, any freak outs lately?”
Not a one. Not a quiver. Okay, quivers, but nothing extreme.
I walked Dr. Meadows through my week which, after the earthquake causing downward spiral that had been my life, quivers I could handle. Then came decision time. I’d known it was coming and wasn’t sure what to say.
But that was new too. Dr. Meadows was more my partner this time around, not just the woman I had to get by each session to try to move to the other side of everything.
“We talked about lowering your medication dose this week. What do you think?” She sincerely wanted to know.
That was another thing I finally got. This therapy was not just about me. It was for me and with me.
“I’m scared to death.” As soon as the words were out, I started laughing. I remembered scared to death and I’m pretty sure this wasn’t anywhere close. “In a few weeks the three month stay-away thing with Chris is over, and I may need the meds to get me through that. Or I may need to lower the dose a little to get a real vibe on how I’m feeling about him. To make sure I’m not running on the emotions from before and making decisions based on that.”
She was doing that nodding and writing thing.
Yeah, that still bothered me. I was so buying her a pen. I like the idea of an Ironic Thank You gift.
Then she did the wait me out thing. That really still bothered me.
“And,” I kept going. Might as well get it all out there since she knows it’s coming anyway. “There’s always the chance that he’s over it. Or not ready. Or both. And then will I need the extra help of the meds for that? I don’t know. Maybe? Probably? I hope not? I don’t know.”
She nodded. “I can’t answer that for you. I can tell you I’m really proud of you. Not just because you’re doing well, but because you’re doing it honestly. I know we’re heading in the right direction no matter what.” She cocked an eyebrow at me over her glasses. “You’re not calling it in this time.”
Secret Life (RVHS Secrets) Page 20