Love Held Captive

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Steeling himself for her reaction, he said, “I also want to avenge what he did to you.” Though he hated to see the pain he was causing her, he continued. “Bushnell hurt you unbearably. He scarred you. In more ways than one.”

  As he’d learned she often did when she was nervous, Lizbeth pressed her other hand against the jagged scar. “He did. But I’m all right now.”

  “Lizbeth, he needs to pay for what he did to you. He used his uniform to his advantage. There … there are no words to describe how despicable his actions were.”

  “Ethan, I want you to go after him. I want you to rescue Cassie. But … well, let’s not dwell on what happened to me anymore. It’s over and what was done was done. Nothing is going to ever change it.”

  It wouldn’t. But bringing the man to justice would make him feel better. “Lizbeth, I have something to confess to you. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you …”

  “What is it?”

  “I … well, first, as I told you, I want a future together, and my family wants me to move back and run the ranch. I meant what I said. I’d like to do that with you by my side.”

  She stared at him, wide-eyed. “You said they would accept me. Isn’t that still true?”

  “Absolutely. They’ll accept you because they know you have my heart.”

  She smiled tremulously. “Why the long face, then?”

  “Because there’s something else I must tell you, but I don’t know how to say it.”

  “I think you should just tell me then.”

  Feeling as if he were standing up to be court-martialed, he forced himself to say the next few words. “Lizbeth, you need to know … Well, I led a raiding party to your house.”

  “What?” she whispered.

  “Soon after Bushnell’s. I know it was soon after his visit because the scar on your face was still fresh.” Though she was staring at him as if she’d seen a ghost, he drew himself up, straight and tall. “I was the officer in charge, Lizbeth. I gave the order to search your property.”

  “The man who stood in the shadows … That was you?”

  He nodded. “I had orders to get whatever I could. We were freezing. Starving. Men were depending on me.”

  Her hands fisted. “But I was cold too,” she said in a small voice. “I was starving too. You took the last of everything I had.”

  “I’ve dreamed about it since. It’s haunted me.”

  “When did you realize I was the same woman?”

  He wished he could lie. But he couldn’t. He owed her every bit of the ugly truth. “The moment I saw your scar.”

  Pure pain filled her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me this days ago?”

  “I didn’t want you to hate me. I didn’t have the words to try to excuse myself. I’m afraid I still don’t.”

  “That is why you are going, isn’t it? Not just because that man ruined me, but because you feel like you did too.”

  “To some degree, yes.”

  “Did you tell the other men? Is that why they are going?”

  “They would have come because of Devin’s injury. But I did tell them about what Bushnell did to you. They feel you need to be avenged too.”

  “Really? They are willing to risk their lives for something that happened to me long ago?”

  “It is because of you. And Devin. And to help the woman in Bushnell’s clutches now.” He paused, then continued, knowing that Lizbeth needed to know everything if she was ever going to trust him enough to one day be his wife. “There’s one more thing you need to know, Lizbeth.”

  Her eyes widened. “What else could there be?”

  “Julianne was Bushnell’s mistress during the war. She was starving and so was her grandmother. He used her need to his advantage.”

  “Julianne was his lover?”

  “To an extent, yes.”

  “And you’ve known about this as well?”

  Her eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. It was almost too hard to bear. “I learned a few days ago.”

  She said nothing for a long moment. Then, folding her arms across her chest, she spoke. “I suppose I should thank you. All this time I have been comparing myself to you and have come up lacking. But now I realize you are just as flawed as I am.”

  Each word stung. Hurt. But she was hurting, he reasoned. In time, she would come around. “Lizbeth, when I return, I promise we can discuss this further.”

  “I don’t think that will be necessary, Major Kelly.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I am done being lied to and coddled for my own good. I need to start new.”

  “I want to start new with you. Lizbeth, I have fallen in love with you.”

  She shook her head. “No, love isn’t like this.”

  His relationship with Faye came to mind. He’d thought she’d been his perfect match, but now he knew the truth.

  “I’ve never been in love before, not like this. But I think you are wrong. I think it is exactly like this. It’s messy and hurtful. Awkward and confusing. It’s not neat and perfect. But don’t you see? All these flaws and cuts are going to mend and make us stronger.”

  “Like mine?”

  “Like yours.”

  Lifting her hand, she traced her scar with one fingertip. “Ethan, don’t you see? This hasn’t made me stronger.”

  He approached her. He yearned to reach for her. To hold her close and tell her everything was going to be fine if she would just trust him again. “That isn’t what I meant. You know it.”

  “Isn’t it?” She wiped a tear from her eye. “You say you love me, but you are about to commit murder. You say you want to protect me, but you’ve kept secrets to protect yourself. You say you respect me, but you’ve shared my shame with men who are strangers to me. You say you want to be my friend, but you introduced me to a woman who willingly entered into a relationship with the man who haunts my dreams. You don’t know how to love. Or if you do, your concept of it is so stretched and scarred … well, it’s only a faint parody of love.”

  He was having a difficult time speaking. “Lizbeth, please try to understand.”

  “No, you try to understand. You try to see things from my viewpoint. Then maybe one day you won’t look upon your secrets with anything but shame.”

  Ethan knew he wasn’t going to have to wait years for that to happen. He was ashamed at that moment.

  It threatened to suffocate him.

  “When I return, I’ll find you.”

  Her eyebrow arched. “And if I refuse to see you?”

  “Then I’ll come the day after. And the day after that.”

  He strode from his room then, wishing he could yell or scream or break windows or do something. Anything to make the pain more bearable.

  But he had a feeling nothing was going to do that. Nothing short of going back in time.

  34

  The four of them set off just after four o’clock. Late enough in the day for Bushnell to have been lulled into thinking no one was going to search for him while still giving them the ability to easily scan the perimeter and watch one another’s backs. They’d all learned it was a good idea to be ready for anything, just in case their best-laid plans went awry.

  Whether it was by one of their designs or because they’d unconsciously fallen back into habits they’d adopted during the war, they were riding two by two. A good fifty yards separated the pairs. If one of them was shot, enough space was between the groupings to allow the others a fighting chance.

  Ethan was in the lead, Truax by his side. Ethan was there because he knew the area better than any of them. Truax, because he’d been the one who had talked to the old-timer who’d ratted out Bushnell.

  Devin took the rear next to Thomas Baker.

  As usual, Baker was riding his horse as if he’d been born on it. He looked supremely comfortable on the animal. Of course, anyone would, Devin reckoned. That horse was a fine-looking appaloosa gelding. White with gray-blue spots on its hindquarters.r />
  Devin was riding Midge. She was his favorite mare. She’d miraculously survived the remainder of the war while he’d been in prison. At the war’s end, she’d been escorted to his cousin’s house. She and her husband had taken special care of the mare, spoiling her with fresh grass and lots of lazy days.

  Though he would have missed her, Devin would have left her there if she’d shown a preference for it. But it seemed she, like him, considered them a matched set. The pain in his shoulder was a clear reminder that he’d been a benefactor of her loyalty. She’d delivered him, bleeding, to the Menger just a few days ago.

  She wasn’t as spry as she used to be, but she was stronger and smarter. He trusted this horse as much as he trusted Ethan, Baker, or Truax. He felt she had just as much heart too. As if she sensed the importance of the day’s mission, she was trotting at a good clip. Maybe Midge was like him; she needed to be out in the world every now and then, just to prove to herself that she still had what it took to survive.

  “Feels like old times, doesn’t it, Cap?” Baker said after they’d ridden a couple of miles. “Even our formation is how it used to be.”

  Devin nodded. “I was just thinking that myself. Actually, I was just thinking Midge seems a little eager to prove herself this afternoon. I guess she needed to get out of the stable for a while.”

  Thomas looked at Devin’s horse with a fond expression. “She’s still got it, don’t you, girl?”

  Midge perked up her ears, as if she knew Thomas was speaking to her. Devin scowled at Thomas. “I think she’s flirting with you.”

  He grinned. “Nah. She knows I’m a married man now. She just recognized my voice. I cleaned her hooves and brushed her coat more times than I can name.”

  Devin had forgotten that Thomas had often done such tasks for him. Most of the officers he’d served with had servants with them to take care of their horseflesh. Others had just found a private to do his bidding. For some reason, Devin had always taken care of his belongings himself … and then Baker had.

  “How come you always took care of Midge?” he asked curiously. “Was it because she was that good of a horse? Did she matter to you that much?”

  “You mattered, sir,” he said lightly. “That’s why I did it.”

  “Ah.” Now, what did one say to that? Even after all this time, Baker’s honesty could still get him choked up.

  “So … Miss Van Fleet must be quite a lady.”

  Devin looked at Thomas sharply, ready to scold him if he was being disrespectful, if he’d had a change of heart from the night before. But the look in Thomas’s eyes said he was being completely sincere. Embarrassed that he had been rushing to her defense for the wrong reasons, he nodded. “She’s very fine.”

  “And you’re going to marry her?”

  “Yes, I told you men that in the bar when you arrived. I just have to convince her sooner than later.”

  “Cap, you were on the Red Roan Ranch when I was so besotted with Laurel I could hardly see straight. You know I’m not going to judge.”

  “We have a different relationship than you and Mrs. Baker. Julianne and I … well, we’ve had a complicated beginning.”

  “Yeah, I can see how meeting Laurel while I was working on a prison chain gang was real simple and easy in comparison.”

  Devin grinned again. “Point taken.” Last summer Thomas had gotten into some trouble and landed in a small-town jail because he owed some money. Instead of reaching out to the rest of them, he’d planned to serve out his time … until Laurel Tracy paid for him to be her indentured servant for the span of one year.

  “Is marriage agreeing with you?”

  “Very much so. But that isn’t to say we don’t have our own obstacles to overcome every now and then.”

  “As you know, Julianne has a history. Though I’ve told her I don’t blame her for what she did—and I don’t—sometimes I find I still care. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all.”

  “Ah. Yes. I can see how it would bother you.”

  “You do?” For some reason, he’d been hoping Thomas would be on Julianne’s side.

  “Well, sure,” he said as he scanned the horizon again, his expression sharp. “I mean, I’m sure you’ve told her about all the things you did during the war to survive.” He lowered his voice. “And the way we handled things on Johnson’s Island.”

  Devin was shocked. “You don’t share such things with women. Don’t tell me you’ve told Laurel about the things we did.”

  “Of course I haven’t,” he retorted, giving Devin a look equally as shocked. “She’d have nightmares.”

  “Then why are you bringing them up?”

  “Because your Julianne probably wishes you didn’t know about what she did to survive.”

  “That was different.” Because his actions didn’t involve losing his good reputation, he admitted to himself in a burst of shame. “Anyway, uh, I upset her for another reason. I mean, it’s related, but different.” Lord, but he was no good as sharing secrets!

  “What did you do?”

  “She knows I told y’all she was Bushnell’s mistress. She’s embarrassed, of course.”

  “And feels you betrayed her.”

  “Because I did.” Maybe it was being on Midge and riding next to Baker, or maybe it was because Devin knew it was time to admit some things to another person. Whatever the reason, he felt compelled to continue to spill his innermost thoughts. “She seemed to let it go before I left her just now, but I don’t know if she’ll ever completely trust me after this.”

  “I guess we’ll see,” Thomas replied, his voice suddenly quiet and still.

  Wrestled from his musings, Devin looked up in surprise. There, about a half mile up the road, was the dilapidated two-story hacienda they’d needed to find. Finally, they could do something to right so many wrongs.

  He and Thomas guided their mounts up to Ethan and Robert. The horses exhaled softly but stayed completely silent.

  “Do you think Bushnell has spotted us yet?” Baker asked as he gazed intently at the house.

  Robert shook his head. “I doubt he’s looking out the windows. No doubt he’ll be focused on the woman he kidnapped.”

  The tension among the four of them rose. Devin clenched his jaw as he imagined how Bushnell was abusing Cassie. And, yes, how he’d no doubt hurt Julianne. Although she’d never said he beat her, Devin suspected it. He remembered what she said that day before he stormed out of her parlor.

  “I came to know more about Bushnell’s ways than either of us would care to discuss.”

  “I’ve loathed few men more,” Ethan said, no doubt voicing what all four of them were thinking.

  Thomas shared a look with Robert. Devin wondered if they were thinking about their wives and how they’d feel if Bushnell were taking advantage of them the way he was no doubt taking advantage of Lizbeth’s friend.

  It was time to end this. End the pain. End the worry Bushnell had perpetrated upon so many.

  Taking care to keep his voice down, Devin said, “Major, we planned to arrive two in the front, two from the back. Is that still how you would like us to proceed?”

  “Yes. We need to capture him. If he realizes we’re here, I wouldn’t put it past him to leave Cassie and sneak out.”

  “All right, then. Let’s proceed.” Devin felt his horse’s muscles tense in anticipation. It mimicked his own body’s response. Years of riding into battle on horseback brought back muscle recognition.

  “Gentlemen, thank you for your support and your friendship. I am grateful for it,” Ethan said. Then, after he pulled out his pistol and cocked it, he spoke. “Forward!”

  Holding the reins tightly in one hand and his Colt revolver in the other, still ignoring the pain in his shoulder, Devin kept to Ethan’s side as Robert and Thomas veered toward the back.

  Whatever was destined to happen couldn’t be put off any longer. It was time.

  35

  I never imagined a filled hotel cou
ld feel so empty,” Julianne murmured to Lizbeth as she stared out the window. “I hope the men are all right.”

  “And Cassie,” Lizbeth added. “I hope she will be okay.” Though they’d already cleaned Captain Monroe’s room from top to bottom, Lizbeth still was moving restlessly around the space, wiping shelves that didn’t need dusting and polishing furniture that already gleamed.

  It was a testament both to her nervousness about the mission and to her respect for the men that she was cleaning the captain’s suite in the first place. After all, Aileen employed a capable staff to do such things. A staff she was no longer a part of. However, doing something as simple as cleaning both Ethan’s and the captain’s suites had felt like the right thing to do.

  When she’d mentioned her idea to Julianne, the other woman had been eager to help, and even went with her to collect cleaning supplies. Though there was quite a bit of tension, no doubt because of their past experiences with Colonel Bushnell. Not that Julianne knew Ethan had spoken of Lizbeth’s relationship with him. Neither had made mention of the past. It seemed it was far easier to discuss dirt and cleaning solutions.

  But now, hours after the men had left, it was apparent neither of them could think of anything other than the men and the mission they were on.

  Lizbeth walked toward Julianne. “They are capable men, don’t you think?” she asked hesitantly. “I’m assuming they know what they’re doing.” What if they did something reckless and made things worse for Cassie?

  Julianne turned to face her, a faint smile on her lips. “You really don’t know about these men, do you?”

  “I know Ethan.” Well, as much as he’d allowed her to know him. “And Captain Monroe a little bit. Their friends must be nice too,” she added weakly. Even to her ears, her praise of them seemed rather distasteful.

  Julianne’s smile widened. “They are more than that, Lizbeth. After Captain Monroe first called on me at home, I asked some former soldiers about him. Oh, the stories they told!”

  “He was that impressive?” Lizbeth tossed her dust rag on a side table. Though she knew war wasn’t a glorious enterprise, she still couldn’t help but let her imagination take flight. The captain in his uniform, leading men into battle, must have been a sight to see.