Finding Joy (The Joy Series) (Volume 2)

by Jenni Moen

All this time, my mom hadn’t said a word. But when I told her about the school project that Allie had stumbled on, a quiet sob escaped from her. “Can I see it?” she asked, referring to the film I had made about the accident.

  “I destroyed it,” I said. “The thing is that making it and watching it over and over didn’t help me like I thought it would. It wasn’t Joy. It was just some little girl who looked a little like her, and watching it didn’t bring her back. It was like losing her over and over again.”

  “I destroyed it when I realized that it was only going to cause everyone involved a whole lot of pain. No good could come from it.”

  “But I wasn’t fast enough, and Allie showed up unexpectedly. I’ll never forget turning around and seeing the look on her face. She just stood there, transfixed by the whole gruesome scene.” I closed my eyes and could see the tears running down her face, one hand thrown over her open mouth. I could see the exact moment when her memories returned and slapped her in the face.

  “That’s when she learned about Joy. Before that, she didn’t even know, Mom. She had no idea that anyone else had even been involved in the accident. Can you imagine that?”

  “Am I supposed to want to try?” she asked. “Because I don’t.”

  I turned my head to look at her. “I know this is hard for you to hear. That’s why I haven’t told you before now. I wouldn’t ask you to try to understand if it wasn’t important to me … if she wasn’t important to me.”

  She briefly looked at me, but then returned to studying the ceiling. “Do you love her?”

  I didn’t hesitate. I knew I couldn’t give her any reason to doubt the truth in what I was about to say. “I do. I love her. She’s not anything like I expected her to be. She’s not the spoiled, bitchy rich girl that she was in high school. She’s honest and funny … and she stands up for what she believes in. She has this little sister … not a real little sister. She’s a mentor in that program that matches you with a kid who needs a role model, and she’s basically been raising this kid for the past four years. She buys all of Lizzie’s clothes and takes her grocery shopping. She goes to her school plays.”

  “It’s a long story, but Allie has spent hours and hours this month trying to figure out how to get Lizzie out of the foster system. Lizzie said something one day about just wanting a normal home and a normal mom who bakes cookies, and Allie’s been trying to teach herself how to bake.”

  “You used to make cookies for Joy,” my mom said. The hint of a smile played at the corner of her mouth.

  “Yeah … I’ve been trying to teach her, but she’s a terrible cook. She keeps trying though because she thinks it’s important to give Lizzie some normalcy.”

  “Allie’s not perfect, Mom. But she’s not a monster, either. She’s been hurting all these years, too … for reasons different than ours.” I didn’t need or want to tell my mom about all the reasons that Allie hurt, too. It wouldn’t change the way she felt about her.

  “Finding out about Joy rocked her to the core. She hates herself for what she did.”

  “I’ll bet,” my mom said with indifference.

  I let out a big tired sigh. “Look, I can’t ask you to accept her. I won’t bring her over here and throw her in your face. I understand if you’re never able to look at her and see anything more than the girl who took Joy away from you. I get that, and I understand it. And she does, too. She worries about us and what this will do to our relationship,” I said, gesturing between the two of us. “When she found out who I was, she left me. She didn’t want to come between you and me, but I fought for her. And I’ll keep fighting for her.”

  “But why, Adam? Why her?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve wondered that myself. But why does anything happen the way it does? I’ve been asking ‘why?’ for years. I’m tired of thinking about all things I can’t change … the things I couldn’t change. I’ve been so angry at myself for so long. Why didn’t I stay home that day? Why didn’t I stop and help Joy with her bike? It makes me crazy to think about the fact that I could have changed it all.”

  “You can’t think like that. Nothing is your fault. It never was. I’m the one who let her go out there by herself. I’m the one who wasn’t watching. I was the parent, Adam. Not you. She wasn’t your responsibility.”

  “Yeah, she was, Mom. I always felt like a parent, and that day I made the choice to be a stupid kid. I chose partying with my friends over her. I’ll regret it every day of my life.” I knew that hearing me say that would hurt her as much as anything else I’d told her today, but we were finally being honest with each other. I didn’t want to hold back now.

  “I didn’t even realize how angry I was at myself. But just being near Allie brought all that anger to the surface. She brought out the worst in me, but then, without even trying, she changed me. I don’t hate myself any more. I’m not angry any more. I just want to live my life, and I want to live it with her.”

  “Loving her has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And it’s been the best thing that ever happened to me. When I’m with her, I feel healed from the inside out.”

  “I wish I felt healed from the inside out,” she muttered next to me.

  I felt for her hand on the bed beside me and squeezed it. “I know you do, Mom. And you will some day. Look how far you’ve come.”

  I felt her nod next to me. “I don’t want to hurt you, but she’s not going away, Mom. I wouldn’t let her if she tried. I don’t expect you to love her or even like her, but I just need you to accept that she’s going to be a part of my life.”

  “Okay, I’ll try,” she said. Her voice was flat as if she was slightly numb to everything. “I’m not a monster either, Adam. I want you to be happy. Lord knows you deserve it after all I’ve put you through. But don’t bring her around here. I don’t think my heart can take it.”

  “I know, Mom. I know,” I said, patting her hand. “Are you going to be all right when I leave?” My voice trailed off. I hated the fact that I felt I had to ask.

  “I’ll be fine. My friend is coming over after you leave. I already called him.”

  “Okay, good,” I said, sitting up. “I don’t want you to be alone tonight.”

  “Adam?” she asked, as I stood up.

  “Yeah.”

  “I don’t want you to be alone either. I love you, baby. Just remember that. I know that I was a terrible mother, but everything I do now I do because I love you.”

  “I know,” I said, pulling her up. I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her, and took another look around Joy’s room. I wanted to tell her that she needed to clean this room out. It was disturbing that she hadn’t done anything about it after all these years. I didn’t say anything though. I’d caused enough trauma for one day.

  CHAPTER 19

  Alexis

  “I was starting to worry about you,” I said, as Adam slid into the driver’s seat beside me. He had been gone since midmorning, and I’d missed him. More than that, I’d worried all day about him. We hadn’t talked specifically about how he was going to break the news to his mother, but I knew that was what he had planned for today.

  He’d finally shown up a few hours ago. I had tried to gauge his mood, which seemed better than I’d expected. But because my parents had been hanging around, we hadn’t been able to talk.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I fell asleep.”

  “You fell asleep?”

  “It’s a long story.” He drummed his hands on the steering wheel of our temporary toy and looked at me expectantly.

  “So how did it go?” I asked, with both trepidation and hope.

  “It went okay … better than I expected, actually. I think she was shocked at first, but then we talked. Really talked. I don’t think we’ve ever been that honest with each other. It felt good. And she didn’t have the total freakout that I was expecting. She’s says she’s going to try to accept it.”

  “Really?” I had a hard time believing that. It was better than either one o
f us could have hoped.

  “Yeah,” he said, nodding. “She says she wants me to be happy. I think she means it, Allie.”

  “That’s great,” I said, sliding my hand over to his leg. I gave it a light squeeze.

  He laced his fingers through mine and brought my hand to his lips. He flipped our hands over and kissed the tips of each of my fingers. “She’s not ready to meet you though, baby. I don’t know if she ever will be.”

  This was not news to me. That was something we had talked about many times, and I didn’t expect her to ever want to meet me. I was okay with that. “That’s okay, Adam. I’m just happy that she’s going to let you have this.” I gestured between the two of us.

  He laughed. “She doesn’t really have a say in the matter.” He put my hand back in my lap and let go so that he could put the car into reverse. “I told her that you are here to stay whether she can accept it or not. But she says she’s going to try. She wants me to be happy … and like it or not … you make me happy. Very, very happy.” He put the car in drive, and I reached into my purse for my lipstick and a mirror.

  “You make me very happy, too,” I said, smiling back at him.

  I’d been so nervous about this weekend, but it had turned out really well for us. I had forgiven my father, and he’d come to terms with my relationship with Adam. More than that, my parents seemed to actually like Adam. They were genuinely happy for us. And now, even if she didn’t like it, it sounded like his mom was going to let us live in peace. For the first time, I felt like I could relax a little and be truly hopeful about our future. After I told him tonight that I didn’t want the baby, we could get on with just being happy.

  I smeared lipstick across my lips and checked out my hair in the mirror. Returning the stuff to my purse, I finally looked out the window, and my heart constricted in my chest. My breathing felt sharp and ragged. The temperature in the car had ratcheted up at least 10 degrees, and my stomach knotted in response.

  “What are you doing, Adam?” My whispered words seemed to echo through the small car.

  Adam

  Something was definitely wrong with Allie. She’d been fine just a second ago, but now she was pale and looked like she might pass out. I had the urge to grab her by the back of the neck and shove her head between her legs.

  “Allie, what’s wrong?” I asked instead.

  She shook her head back and forth. Her wild eyes were focused on the road in front of us. I followed her gaze, and it finally dawned on me.

  We were on Douglas. Based on her reaction, it was likely that she hadn’t driven down this street since the day of the accident.

  It made sense if she hadn’t. She had moved to Manhattan as soon as she’d been physically able, and she rarely came back to visit. When she did, her mom chauffeured her around the city. From what I knew about her family, it was safe to assume that they would steer her away from the scene of the accident.

  That wasn’t the case for me. I hadn’t been able to stay away from it. The accident had literally happened in my front yard. Since I’d moved back home afterwards, the place where Joy had died had been a part of my daily life. It had been unavoidable. It had been hard at first, but eventually I’d become numb to it.

  Ten years later and Allie wasn’t numb yet.

  I had come this way intentionally, but it hadn’t occurred to me that it would upset her. Watching her in what was clearly a panic attack, I was torn. I generally tried to be sensitive to Allie’s feelings about the accident, but this was crazy. She didn’t get to be more upset about Joy’s death than me. If I could handle driving by my mom’s house, she should be able to as well. It was only a couple of blocks anyway.

  “Breathe, Allie. I’ll turn in a second. I just want to drive past my mom’s to make sure she’s not alone,” I said, letting go of her hand. The tone of my voice snapped her out of her spell.

  She took a few measured breaths and seemed to come to grips with the situation. Her eyes watered as if she was going to cry. “What is wrong with me?” she mumbled. “I’m sorry, Adam. It’s just that …,” Her voice trailed off.

  “That you’ve never driven this way, right?” I asked, my tone softer this time.

  “Right.” She shook her head and looked back out the front window, calmer now. “I’m sorry. I’m being ridiculous.”

  “No, you’re not,” I said, sighing. “I should have thought about it.”

  “Why should … Adam, what’s going on?”

  The flashing blue and white lights just ahead had my attention, too. My hands gripped the steering wheel as I turned the corner. I flew past the ambulance and whipped into the drive. “Stay here,” I commanded, throwing the door open and slamming it behind me.

  As I crossed the yard, my heart leapt in my chest and my stomach fell. It was happening again. I had been down this road twice before, and it was happening again. A police officer stood on the porch, talking to a paramedic. Rushed, authoritative voices that I didn’t recognize streamed out of the open front door.

  “Sir, you can’t go in there,” the police officer said, grabbing my arm as I tried to pass.

  “It’s my mom. She’s my mom.”

  “They’re stabilizing her now,” he said, maintaining his grip. “I can’t let you go in right now. But they’ll bring her out in a minute, and you can ride to the hospital with her.”

  “What happened?” I asked, my heart stuttering in my chest. It seemed impossible that I had to ask that question. Less than two hours ago, she had stood on this very porch and waved at me as I’d driven away.

  “It appears to be an overdose, sir,” he stated.

  I nodded mutely. I was all too familiar with this scenario. “Is she conscious?” I asked. The two times it had happened before she had been unconscious when I’d found her.

  “She wasn’t when we arrived. I can’t say what her condition is right now.” He nodded to the paramedic who was allowed to then pass into the house. The officer tightened his hold on me as the paramedic passed by me to get to the doorway, seeming to appreciate the fact that if he didn’t, I would be inside in a flash. “He’ll go check on her for you.”

  I knew I needed to let them do their jobs. There was nothing I could do for her. However, the urge to run in and see it for myself was almost overwhelming.

  “Adam,” a soft voice whispered behind me.

  I spun on my heel. The abrupt move surprised the police officer, and he let go of my arm. I took the three steps in one leap and grabbed Allie by the arm. “I told you not to get out,” I said, dragging her back to the car.

  “I know, but ….”

  “But nothing, Allie. What happens when they bring her out here? What if she sees you? Do you want to make this worse than it already is?”

  “No,” she said. Her voice wavered on the one-syllable word, dragging it out. “I just … I just want to be here for you.”

  I opened the passenger side door and shoved her inside. I dug through her purse and pulled out her phone. “You can’t. You can’t be here for me right now. You’re the last person who can help me right now. I need you to leave before she sees you. Call your dad to come get you,” I said, shoving her phone at her.

  “But Adam ….”

  I cut her off again. “I mean it, Allie. I need you to get the fuck out of here. Now.”

  “Can you at least tell me what’s happening?” she said, but I was already walking away.

  Yeah. I would tell her what was happening when I figured it out myself. I made my way back to the porch where the paramedic had rejoined the police officer standing guard at the door.

  “She’s still unconscious, but stable. They’re going to bring her out in just a second. We’ll know more after we do a tox screen, but there was a used syringe and a bottle of vodka beside her. They suspect it was heroine.”

  I stood dumbstruck. Heroine. And a bottle of vodka?

  Two hours.

  I had left her two hours ago, and she’d told me she would be fine. She had t
old me not to worry. Her friend was coming over. I’d assumed that she was talking about Warren or her new boyfriend. Now I was reasonably sure that the ‘friend’ that she had called hadn’t been a friend at all. She’d been arranging a fix.

  And this was all my fault. I had caused this. Why had I thought she could handle it? I should’ve known better. She’d only been clean for five years, and not all of them had been easy. Telling her about Allie had been the most selfish thing I had ever done. Why had I felt the need to be honest with her? To ease my guilty conscience? If she didn’t make it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

  I turned toward the car to see if Allie was behaving and staying put. The car was dark, but she didn’t appear to be inside. I scanned the front yard and found no sign of her.

  “Okay, back up,” the officer said. He put his arm out in front of me as if to hold me back. Two paramedics that I hadn’t seen before wheeled the gurney out onto the porch. The woman on it was almost unrecognizable. Though I had seen my mom like this before, it didn’t make it any easier to see her like this now. In fact, it was so much worse this time since I was the reason it was happening this time.

  _________________________

  The ride to the hospital was long and bumpy. The subsequent night, most of it spent in a hard waiting room chair, was unbearable.

  Sometime around midnight I received a text from Allie. Just want you to know that I love you. I’m sorry you have to go through this by yourself. Let me know if I can do anything. I stared blurry-eyed at the screen of my phone and tried to think of how to respond. I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt bad about pushing her away earlier, but no matter how much I wanted her here with me, she couldn’t be.

  And I wasn’t alone. I had Warren. I’d called him as soon as we had arrived at the hospital. He’d been here in minutes and hadn’t left my side.

  “Gentlemen.” I looked away from my phone and into the face of a man in a white coat. “I have an update on Ms. Hill,” he said matter-of-factly.