Christmas Grace

by C. L. Miles

  Table of Contents

  Blurb

  Dedication

  Text

  About the Author

  By C.L. Miles

  Visit Dreamspinner Press

  Copyright

  Christmas Grace

  By C.L. Miles

  Christmas has been a lonely time of year for Aaron since losing his family fifteen years ago. But now he’s seeing Craig, and though Aaron is sure they belong together, both have been hurt in the past, so they’re taking things slowly. So far, Craig has been supportive of Aaron’s struggles with anxiety—struggles that cost Aaron relationships in the past.

  On Christmas Eve, Aaron is closing his bookshop when Craig surprises him with a specially planned evening. Will this be the night they take that final step and deepen their physical relationship? Aaron hopes so, but things aren’t that simple. Craig has been keeping a secret…. Can Aaron take his place as part of a family again and accept the love he’s missed for so long—or will he find that some deceptions are too big to be forgiven, even with the help of some Christmas grace?

  To Kat Weller and B.G. “Ben” Thomas. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. I couldn’t do any of this without your guidance and great advice. And thank you for the amazing friendships. Love you both!

  AARON LOOKED out his bookstore’s window as thick flakes of snow fell to the ground. They swirled and danced in the light of the streetlamps and made the Christmas lights in the shop’s window across the street appear to twinkle merrily.

  Although it only started snowing an hour ago, already there was a good inch covering the ground. The local radio station kept announcing it was going to be the biggest storm of the winter season, warning people to stay home and not travel unless it was absolutely necessary.

  Aaron grunted, thumbing at the edges of a book that had been left out and needed to go back on the shelf. Kind of hard to get to your loved ones for Christmas without having to travel somewhere. Not that he would know anything about that. The last time he spent Christmas with family was fifteen years ago.

  Aaron turned to walk away, but the misplaced book itched at his fingers, the space on the empty shelf where it should be boring a little under his skin. He caved in, quickly picked it up, and slotted it into place. Seeing the book in its rightful spot immediately made him feel at ease, relieving his gnaw of anxiety.

  As he glanced out the window again, the snow now falling heavier and the wind picking up, he was glad he’d sent his staff home in the afternoon, wanting to give them a head start before the major part of the storm hit. He probably should have heeded his own advice and left earlier as well. He wasn’t looking forward to the long drive through heavy city traffic and snow-covered streets to get to his apartment on the other side of Beau Port.

  Tugging his cell phone out of his pocket, he checked for any messages from his boyfriend. He scrolled down to the name “Craig Delaney,” but Craig hadn’t sent any new texts. Aaron hoped Craig had been able to leave early from work to avoid the storm. He was a corporate lawyer and a partner with one of the major law firms in Beau Port called Latham, Baker, & Delaney, and sometimes his busy days ran long.

  They first met when Craig came into the shop in search of a particular cookbook on French cuisine. Luck was on Craig’s side, as Aaron happened to have it in stock. They had chatted easily while he rang up the item, and Aaron was surprised, and a little flattered, when Craig started flirting with him.

  He had felt an instant attraction, however, at that time, he wasn’t sure he was ready to feel anything toward another man again. But Craig was handsome and charming, and Aaron soon found himself feeling comfortable enough to flirt back.

  During that entire week after Craig left the shop, Aaron unexpectedly found himself thinking about him often, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He had given up on ever seeing Craig again until he suddenly showed up a week and a half later to ask Aaron out for coffee, and Aaron surprised himself by agreeing immediately.

  The honking of a car horn brought Aaron out of his musings.

  He and Craig had been together for nine months now, and things were going great. They did everything together.

  Well, almost everything.

  The one thing they hadn’t done yet was have penetrative sex. Unfortunately they’d both been hurt in past relationships, so they agreed to take things slowly.

  Although more and more, Aaron was thinking he wanted to take the next and final step to share that intimacy with Craig. It was time. For him, anyway. He was just waiting for Craig to reach that point as well.

  And even though they hadn’t yet said the words I love you to each other, Aaron knew he was falling in love with Craig, which both excited and terrified him. On the one hand, Craig was the total opposite of his ex-boyfriend Tom, but on the other, Aaron was scared of risking his heart again.

  With a sigh, he looked at his phone again to see it was nearly six o’clock. Time to close up.

  He walked toward his office at the back of the shop, tidying and straightening books and magazines as he went. Just as he reached his office, the bell over the front door chimed, indicating he had a customer. He was a bit surprised anyone would be venturing out to go book shopping instead of wanting to get home on this snowy Christmas Eve.

  “Hello, handsome” came a deep, sensual voice from behind him.

  Aaron quickly swung around, and the smile on his face grew when he saw the man standing a few feet away.

  “Craig! What are you doing here?”

  God, Craig looked great. Sexy.

  He was dressed in a pair of dark jeans, biker boots, and black leather jacket in place of the usual power suit. The casual bad-boy look made Aaron’s heart skip a beat.

  “What? I can’t come see my boyfriend?” He walked over to Aaron and gave him a warm kiss hello.

  “You can come any time you want.” Aaron wiggled his eyebrows.

  Craig let out a snort of laughter. “You about ready to leave?”

  “I didn’t expect to see you today.” After heading into his office, Aaron changed into his boots, slipped on his jacket, and grabbed his scarf and gloves. “I thought we were meeting at my place tomorrow evening.”

  With a shrug, Craig said, “Change of plans. Unless you have somewhere else you need to be.”

  “Not at all. I’d love to spend Christmas Eve with you.”

  It would be their first one together as a couple, and Aaron couldn’t wait to see the look of surprise on Craig’s face when he opened the gift Aaron got for him. Thanks to a friend, Aaron was able to get Craig a private cooking session with Beau Port’s renowned chef, Alistair MacGuire. And since Craig often talked about his admiration for Chef MacGuire’s culinary skills, Aaron knew Craig was going to be thrilled.

  Slipping his arms around Craig’s neck, Aaron pressed their lips together and shared a nice slow kiss.

  “Mmmm,” Craig hummed. “As much as I’d love to stand here kissing you, there’s something else I’d like us to do.”

  “Oh really?” Aaron gave him a teasing grin.

  “Get your mind out of the gutter.” Craig laughed and gave him a playful nudge to his shoulder. “Come on, let’s go.” Taking Aaron’s hand, he led him toward the front door.

  After flipping the sign in the window over to Closed, Aaron shut off the lights and held the door open wide enough for Craig to slip out. He quickly locked things up and then pocketed the keys.

  When they stepped outside onto the sidewalk, a burst of wind blew down the street, causing the snow to hit Aaron’s face with icy little pinpricks.

  “Gee, it’s getting nasty out here.” Aaron shivered and pulled out his wool hat from the pocket of his jacket. Slipping it onto his head, he warily eyed the bumper-to-bumper
traffic as it slowly made its way down the snowy street. “Man, it’s going to take forever to get back to my place.”

  In all the months they’d been dating, he’d never been to Craig’s condo. For some reason he always seemed hesitant when the subject came up. Even though it bothered Aaron, he did his best to let it go and tried not to think too much as to why Craig didn’t want him there. He figured Craig would eventually invite him over when the time was right.

  “We’re not going back to your place.” Craig took Aaron’s hand again, and steered him in the opposite direction of where his car was parked in the store’s parking lot.

  “We’re not?” Aaron glanced sideways at Craig.

  With a smile, Craig answered, “Nope.”

  “Then where are we going?”

  “Not far.”

  “But the snow is going to get worse.” Beginning to feel a little uneasy, Aaron worried his bottom lip between his teeth. “It’ll be even harder to get home.”

  Craig gently squeezed Aaron’s hand. “Stop worrying. We’re going to have some fun.”

  Ever since he was a little boy, Aaron suffered from major anxiety. He needed order and uniformity in his life to help keep his mind calm and the anxiety attacks to a minimum.

  His apartment was always a neat, tidy, and spotless place. Whenever he read a book, it was placed back on his bookshelf. No dishes were left in the sink; they were always put in their proper places once dried. And clothes were always placed in the hamper after he changed.

  There was a place for everything, and everything in its place, as the saying went.

  It was hard for him to do spur-of-the-moment things. That’s why he hated surprise parties. They happened too fast. Not giving his mind enough time to adapt and accept the change usually intensified his anxiety. It was odd how impromptu situations affected him more than stressful ones. He never understood why, but at an early age, he learned to deal with it alone. Not once did his parents try to help him. They thought he was doing it for attention and would get angry with him and, more often than not, send him to his room.

  As they walked along, Aaron could feel his heart begin to pound in his chest, his arms and fingers started to tingle, and his breath came out in short, quick puffs.

  God, he didn’t want to have a panic attack. Not now. He loved spending time with Craig. He didn’t want to ruin Craig’s surprise. Yet the more he tried to get himself under control, the worse it got.

  Craig must have felt or sensed his distress because he moved them off to the side, out of the way of other pedestrians.

  “Hey,” Craig said. “What’s wrong?”

  Looking down, Aaron shook his head. He didn’t want to see the disappointment and anger showing on Craig’s face.

  “Aaron. Look at me.”

  “I… I… c-can’t…,” he huffed. His breathing came quicker now, heart racing faster and faster.

  “Aaron?”

  Aaron couldn’t answer. Instead he gulped in air, trying to get enough into his lungs so he wouldn’t pass out. He hated the pressure in his chest, the way it made him feel like he was suffocating.

  “Are you all right?” Craig asked, his voice shaky and filled with concern.

  He could sense Craig staring at him, was aware how worried Craig was, but all Aaron was able to do was shake his head again and gasp for air.

  Craig leaned in and said into Aaron’s ear, “You told me about this. Anxiety attack. Right?”

  Aaron nodded, and even though he told Craig about his anxiety early on in their relationship, his old insecurities still came rushing back, making him cringe inside as he waited for Craig to start yelling at him, telling him to grow up, stop acting so stupid, stop ruining everything.

  However, instead of the angry reprimand he was expecting, Craig slid his large hands onto Aaron’s shoulders and stepped closer. “Okay. I want you to take deep, long breaths. Breathe in, hold for three seconds, then let it out slowly.” Craig’s hands trembled slightly as he ran them up and down Aaron’s arms in a soothing gesture. “Here we go, and deep breath in…. Hold it…. Now long breath out.”

  Aaron desperately gasped for a breath, trying to get air past his lips and into his lungs, but it felt as though nothing was getting in. Panicked, he clutched at Craig’s jacket, his arms and legs shaking. The sound of his heart pounded in his ears, and all he could do was let out a little whimpering sound of distress.

  “Easy, Aaron, easy. I’m right here. You’re going to be okay. Concentrate on my breathing.” Taking Aaron’s hand, Craig laid it against his own chest, letting Aaron feel the breaths he took. “Come on, breathe with me. Deep breath in…. Hold…. Deep breath out….”

  Aaron tried again and this time pulled in a little more air.

  “Great, you’re doing great,” Craig encouraged. “And again. In….” Deep breath. “And out….” Long exhale. “That’s it. Keep going. In….” Breathe. “Now out….” Exhale. “In… and out….”

  As Aaron breathed with Craig, much-needed oxygen filled his lungs. His breathing became easier, and his heartbeat slowed.

  “I never know… when it’s… going to happen.”

  “Shh, everything’s fine.” Craig slipped his arms around Aaron and held him.

  After a few more minutes of the breathing routine, the tingling in Aaron’s body finally subsided. He took in one more long, deep breath, and as he let it out, he relaxed into Craig’s arms, leaning his forehead against Craig’s shoulder. He always felt embarrassed when anyone saw one of his attacks, and having Craig be witness to it mortified him.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered and tried to pull away.

  “No, stay right here.” Craig tightened his hold and kept Aaron snug against him. As the snow blew and twisted around them, they stayed that way for another minute or two.

  “I’m good. You can let go now,” Aaron said.

  Craig gave Aaron one last gentle squeeze before he took a slight step back.

  “You’re not pissed off?” Aaron asked.

  Craig frowned. “Why would I be pissed off?”

  “Because I ruined your surprise.”

  In the past, when Aaron was with Tom and he got one of his attacks, Tom would get frustrated and angry with him.

  “Sweetheart, you didn’t ruin anything.” Taking Aaron’s glove-covered hand, Craig held it in his own. “I should have remembered that you don’t do surprises very well.”

  Meeting Craig’s eyes, Aaron shook his head. “It certainly wasn’t your fault.”

  Craig gave him a crooked smile while he brushed the snow off the top of Aaron’s hat. “Well, now that we’ve established it’s neither of our faults, maybe we should head back.” He tipped his head in the direction from where they had come.

  “No, no. I’m okay now.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes.” Aaron smiled. “Now that the anxiety has passed, I feel perfectly fine.”

  “Great.” Craig gave him a quick peck on the lips. “And I should have told you this from the beginning: we’re heading over to Riverside Park.”

  Before Craig moved away, Aaron stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Thank you for helping me.”

  “You’re welcome.” Craig kissed his cheek. “That attack was pretty intense. I see now how scary they can be.”

  Aaron nodded. “How did you know what to do?”

  “That first time when you told me about your anxiety disorder, I did some research and found out that controlled breathing can sometimes help.”

  “It helped a lot,” Aaron said. “More than you know.”

  “Good. I’m glad.”

  Tom never once tried to help Aaron; the guy usually left him alone and scared. At Craig’s admission of taking the time to find a way to help, Aaron fell a little more in love with him.

  Sliding his fingers against Craig’s, Aaron gave a little tug to get them moving, and hand in hand, they made their way along the snowy sidewalk.

  SINCE AARON’S shop was located close to the pa
rk, it didn’t take them long to walk the two blocks to get to it.

  He always loved Riverside Park. It was especially beautiful this time of year with everything blanketed in white, snow sticking to the large boughs of the pine trees, creating a picture-perfect scene. Being one of the largest parks in the city of Beau Port, Washington, it boasted over two hundred acres and was nestled along the banks of the Wilanka River.

  In the summer months, laughter and giggles could be heard drifting through the park as swimmers took to the large lake, or the thuds from horseback riding beat heavier on the ground than those hiking along the many wooded trails. It all mingled with the scent of barbecue pits and picnicking.

  In winter, once the lake froze over, people could go ice-skating or rent toboggans to slide down the large sledding run. There were heated lean-tos set up in various areas that provided a dry, warm place to get out of the elements and sip on a cup of hot chocolate.

  Even though the snow was still coming down rather heavily, the wind seemed to have let up for the time being, giving them a bit of a respite.

  Aaron was sure they were going to go ice-skating, but as they walked through the front entrance, Craig steered him to the left, away from the lake area and toward the sled runs.

  “Tobogganing?” Aaron’s eyes went wide. “In the middle of a snowstorm?”

  “Sure.” Craig shrugged and looked at him. “Why not? I thought it would be fun. When was the last time you’ve done this?”

  “A long time.” Years. It had been years. He couldn’t remember exactly, but if he had to wager a guess, he figured it would have been in his early teens. “Good thing I wore my jeans today.”

  “I know you always have casual-dress day on Fridays. It’s one of the reasons I chose today to do this.”

  As they neared the ticket booth, Aaron had to ask, “What’s the second?”

  “Hmmm?” Craig raised his eyebrows in query.

  “The second reason why you wanted to do this?”

  “Oh!” Craig stopped and shifted closer to whisper into Aaron’s ear. “I’ll do anything to have my arms and legs wrapped around you.”