The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  2. The very fact that a decision is necessary indicates that both choices have some appeal for you. Therefore, regardless of the decision you make, a part of you will enjoy the outcome. And you can use the objections to help you steer clear of possible pitfalls.

  Actually, no matter which decision you make, you’ll probably have some regrets. But that isn’t so terrible. Coming to accept the imperfection of life and making the best of it is a wonderful way to grow. It will help you cope with other issues that you’re ambivalent about, too.

  By now, you may be wondering why this decision requires so much care if a wrong choice won’t ruin your life. Even though you can probably live a good life with or without children, it’s definitely to your advantage to make an informed, thoughtful decision. Here’s why:

  It offers the opportunity to learn about yourself and your partner. In order to answer the baby question successfully, you must also answer two other questions: “Who am I?” and if you have a partner, “Who are we?” And these answers can help you solve other problems.

  It forces you to take responsibility for yourself. By making a conscious decision, you take control of your life. Even though you risk failure or regret, you earn self-respect. You cannot help but take pride in assuming responsibility for yourself rather than drifting passively, waiting for an accident or your partner’s preferences to take you off the hook.

  It increases the probability that you will enjoy and make the most of your choice. Working on a conscious choice forces you to consider carefully the possibilities offered by each lifestyle. This gives you a head start in taking advantage of your ultimate choice.

  It provides an opportunity to build skills for future decision-making of all kinds. Technological advances and changing societal mores mean that in the future you will have other big decisions. Making a good baby decision is good practice for future decisions.

  Anxiety-Proof Yourself

  If you are still anxious about the baby question, try this fantasy exercise before you delve any further into the decision-making process. Ask yourself: what is the worst thing that could happen in this situation? Pinpointing potential problems or disasters and recognizing your ability to cope with them is an effective way to reduce anxiety. And you can put the mental energy previously wasted worrying to more productive use.

  1. Imagine that you and your partner decide to remain childfree. What’s the worst thing that could result from this decision? How would you feel about it? What would you do about it?

  Susan and Mark tried this exercise. For both, the ultimate horror was the idea of facing a lonely old age full of sadness that they wouldn’t live on through their grandchildren. They imagined they might be disappointed about missing parenthood, but realized they could find comfort in their artistic, athletic, and professional activities and in loving relationships with their nieces and nephews.

  2. Imagine you decide to have a child. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Try to picture it, as well as your reaction to it. What would you do about it?

  In this situation, Susan imagined that her career was ruined, filling her with anger and resentment at the baby and at Mark. Mark imagined that he and Susan wouldn’t have any time together anymore and that their relationship would go downhill. They agreed that Susan’s fantasy wouldn’t happen because Mark would take equal responsibility for the baby if they had one. To deal with Mark’s fears, they talked about ways in which their friends had managed to maintain good relationships while their children were young. These fantasies helped Mark and Susan feel a lot freer to explore both possibilities. Now, you try them.

  How well do you know yourself? Are you in touch with the myriad emotions, beliefs, and attitudes that shape your personality, your life, and your choices?

  All of us have an inner core—a reservoir of private dreams and goals—that has been building and changing since we were small children. But all too often, this inner core gets locked away in a back closet in our minds, in part, because our hectic lives don’t permit leisurely introspection. In addition, many of us bury these thoughts and emotions because they are painful to acknowledge. We might be forced, if we took a good look at them, to accept unpleasant truths, give up cherished dreams, or work on unfinished business.

  But how can we know what to choose if we don’t know who we are? Because our inner life changes as we mature, we have to be able to separate old dreams from new ones, letting go of the parts of ourselves that are outdated or unrealistic. Otherwise, these unacknowledged emotions can hopelessly tangle our thinking process.

  For example, Joan, a woman in her late twenties, couldn’t seem to make a commitment to the childfree lifestyle and couldn’t understand why. She didn’t really like children, and she loved her work. She wanted, more than anything else, the time and freedom to pursue her career. On the surface, her decision seemed obvious, yet she felt conflicted in some way. With the help of self-exploration exercises, the reason came to light. Joan had been raised in a home that assumed that mothering was not an elective but a required course. When she was growing up, a girl’s upbringing was synonymous with preparation for motherhood. Joan had learned her lesson so well that despite her total distaste for parenting and her husband’s comfort with remaining childfree she could never quite bring herself to make a decision. Through careful thought and implementation of intentional exercises, she came to understand that this long-held image of exalted motherhood was holding her back. Even though she wanted to remain childfree, a part of her hung on to the old belief that she would someday find happiness in motherhood or that she couldn’t be a complete woman or grownup if she didn’t have a child. As soon as she held this flawed childhood belief up to the light, she was able to toss it and move on.

  It’s time for you to take the same journey that Joan did. You’re going to open the door to your mind’s hidden library. These exercises will help you draw out forgotten or hidden feelings and attitudes about yourself, your marriage, children, parenthood, and your life goals. You will be able to discard old beliefs that may be blocking you and track down and study the feelings and values that will shape your decision. With this knowledge, you can begin to lay the foundation for a satisfying life—a life that encompasses the goals and dreams that match your current self.

  Inner Conflict

  A. Chair Dialogue

  When you’re torn between conflicting desires—wanting a child and wanting to remain childfree—a conversation between these two parts of you can help you better understand the nature of your conflict. You may even discover that one desire is much stronger than the other.

  To begin, place two chairs face to face, and label one “I want to be a parent” and the other “I want to be childfree.” Sit in the parent chair, and tell the childfree part of you why you want a baby. Then, switch to the childfree chair, and tell the parent chair why you don’t want one. Continue this dialogue, changing chairs whenever each side is ready to talk. To ensure total honesty, do this exercise alone; otherwise you might feel too inhibited to express all your feelings—both the positive and the negative.

  To make this exercise as helpful as possible, don’t let the voices be polite or intellectual. Be argumentative, even rude. You want to separate the two voices enough to be able to listen to and distinguish each voice from the other.

  Here is an example of one young woman’s dialogue. (PC = parent chair; CC = childfree chair)

  PC: I think I would miss something if I never had a child.

  CC: But I don’t think I’m willing to make the sacrifices I’d have to make for a child.

  PC: But wouldn’t it be worth it for the pleasure of seeing a child grow and change?

  CC: It looks to me like 90 percent pain for 10 percent pleasure. It isn’t worth it.

  PC: You’re just selfish. Grow up.

  CC: No! I’m looking out for what’s best for both of us. My career as a systems analyst doesn’t leave much time for a child. I don’t want to give up my work, and I don’t want t
o be overburdened, either. I don’t think I would enjoy being a mother. I think Tom [her husband] and the baby would suffer as much as I would.

  This woman was surprised at the strength of her childfree side. And as she continued the dialogue, her parent side became even weaker. Finally, in desperation, the parent side asked:

  PC: I thought you and I were about even. How could you be so much stronger than I realized?

  CC: Because you have never listened to me. Every time I tell you I don’t want to be a mother, you ignore me.

  PC: Why would I ignore you?

  CC: Because Tom and my parents are dying for a baby. Because all my friends tell me what a good mother I’ll make. You are more interested in pleasing others than you are in pleasing me.

  Now, try the dialogue yourself. What happened?

  Was one side stronger than the other?

  Were you surprised by some of the feelings you expressed?

  Did you have different bodily sensations in the different chairs? Some people describe this observation as “a felt sense” of relief, fear, truth, or authenticity.

  Did you sound or feel different in the different chairs?

  Did you have trouble speaking for both sides? If so, this does not necessarily mean you have no opposing voice. It may mean you’re afraid to face the other side, afraid of being persuaded by the other choice. Or you may not want to realize what you will lose with either choice.

  Try this exercise again in a few days or weeks. You may discover that different sides are stronger on different days. Coming back to the exercise periodically is somewhat like using a compass—it helps chart your direction and keep you on course.

  Moreover, this technique, based on Gestalt therapy, can be used in many other ways. For example:

  You can play yourself in one chair and take someone else’s part—your partner, your mother, a friend—in the other chair.

  You can play two other people and leave yourself out entirely. For instance, put your mother in one chair and your father in the other, and have them discuss their hopes for grandchildren.

  These two variations can help you understand why family and friends may be pressuring you. And that understanding may improve your ability to cope with the pressures.

  You can bring in another “actor.” For instance, if you and your partner disagree on the issue, play each other’s role to see if you’re both really listening to each other’s arguments. Or invite your partner to observe you playing both roles. Then, ask him or her if the portrayal was accurate. Then, reverse the process, watching and giving feedback to your partner.

  Please don’t try to sweep the thoughts of the weaker voice under the rug. That voice is a goldmine of information. It will give you all the clues you need to make the most of the other choice. Use that voice’s objections and worries as guidelines for preparing for your choice and minimizing the sacrifices the choice requires.

  Looking Back

  The next exercise focuses on attitudes about children and parenthood that you learned in childhood. Even though you may not have been conscious of them lately, they may be tipping your decision-making scale.

  A. Yucky Babies

  Did you ever see the Saturday Evening Post cover by Norman Rock-well called “Home Duty”? It shows a boy wearing a suit and a frown as he pushes his baby sister in her carriage. Two friends in baseball uniforms smirk at him as they go off to play. The message: babies are a booby prize to avoid at all costs. If you’re clever, you won’t get stuck with baby care. And caring for babies is the opposite of having fun and an indignity to any red-blooded American male.

  Even though there are no girls in the picture, the idea of babies as disgusting, and of obstacles to fun is one that women also relate to.

  Do you remember thinking babies were “yucky”? Where did you get that attitude? Were you repulsed by smelly diapers, spit-ups, and tears?

  Did you have younger siblings? How did you and your parents respond to those pregnancies and births? How did your sibling change your life? If you had more than one younger sibling, did you respond differently to each one? How did these experiences color your view of children?

  Guys, were you ever called “sissy” for playing with a baby or a doll? Who said this? How did you react?

  Did you ever babysit for younger siblings or other children? Was it fun or frustrating? Did you like children more or less as a result? Did you find some children more fun than others? Do you remember what you liked or disliked about them?

  Do you still feel that babies are yucky? If not, what made you change your mind?

  Visualize returning to your childhood home. Play with the dolls or stuffed animals you find there. Try to re-create the fantasies you had of growing up and becoming a parent, if any. If you or your parents still have some of these baby toys in an attic or closet, try to get your hands on them. Actually holding them may call forth some powerful memories and feelings.

  Body Talk

  A. Metamorphosis

  Women, close your eyes and picture yourself:

  During early, middle, and late pregnancy

  During childbirth

  Do these changes attract or repel you? Which, if any, attract? Which, if any, repel?

  Does fear of childbirth pain affect your desire to get pregnant?

  Are you terrified by the possibility of gaining weight, feeling fat, or not being able to lose weight afterwards?

  Do you think pregnancy would make you feel sexier, less sexy, or the same? How do you think your partner would react to your changed body? Do you worry about whether he’d still be attracted to you?

  If you won’t be carrying a child, imagine these changes in your partner:

  How do you think you would react? Would you find her more attractive, less attractive, or the same? How do you think she would feel about her new body?

  How do both of you picture your sex life during pregnancy and postpartum?

  Do you feel positive about some body changes but negative about others? Which ones feel positive, and which negative?

  Many people who consider themselves sexually sophisticated, somehow feel embarrassed about pregnancy. Do you? Pregnant women sometimes complain, “Now the whole world knows I have a sex life. My private life has gone public.” Would you feel this way, too?

  B. Suckling

  Women, imagine yourself nursing a baby.

  How does it feel?

  Is it erotic, as some women describe it?

  How does your husband react? How do you react to his reaction?

  Now open your eyes and consider these questions: would you breastfeed if you had a baby? Why or why not?

  Or imagine your partner nursing your baby. You’re sitting beside them.

  How do you feel?

  Proud, turned on, jealous?

  Does she seem to be enjoying nursing? Why or why not?

  Now open your eyes and consider these questions: would you want your partner to nurse if you had a child?

  Both partners ask yourself some questions:

  Who do you know who has nursed or bottle fed? What comments have they made about their experiences? Has this made you more or less attracted to pregnancy or nursing?

  You are probably aware that there are medical reasons and social pressures urging you to nurse. Does this bother you?

  C. Madonna

  It’s not always easy for a woman to separate a desire for the experience of pregnancy and birth from a desire for the experience of parenting for its own sake. These different wishes are like intertwined threads of two hard-to-distinguish colors. The exercises below will help you separate the two strands. Also, be aware that if parenting is more important to you than pregnancy or having a biological child, adoption might be satisfactory.

  Imagine that you could get pregnant, give birth, nurse a baby, and receive lots of love, attention, and praise for doing so. Then, when you stopped nursing at say, six months, you could just hand the child over to someone else to raise for eighteen yea
rs. You could be a favorite friend, godmother, or auntie seeing the child when you wanted to but would be under no obligation. Sound good?

  Taylor, like so many other women I’ve encountered, was in love with the idea of motherhood but would have hated the reality. A lover of novelty, she craved the pregnancy process but not the product. When she and her partner decided to be childfree, she was surprised by her sadness. What was up? She knew the decision made sense.

  When she visited a friend who was nursing a three-month old, she burst into tears. She realized that she needed to let go of the physical experiences she would miss. Once she acknowledged this, she could get on with her childfree life.

  In contrast, while finding this fantasy somewhat appealing, Sonya realized when she did this exercise, that she would not want to turn her child over to someone else when the physical experiences faded away. She wanted to be with the imagined child through every stage from toddler to adult, sharing the experience with her partner. Although she had previously questioned whether she was really committed to parenting, this exercise gave her more confidence in her choice to become a mother. It was reassuring to discover that she was as interested in child-rearing as she was in childbearing.