The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  Can you think of substitute activities that would accommodate a child more easily? For instance, you can’t swim with a baby on your back, but you can jog with a baby in a stroller.

  Are you willing to change your schedule?

  If the prospect of any change is repugnant, what appeals to you about parenthood enough to make you consider a baby?

  As you plan, keep in mind that parents of young children sacrifice more weekend time than evening time. Of course, in the first few months, you will be too tired to use that evening time! You can pursue some of your favorite activities while a child is asleep, but on weekends and during the day, a child requires constant attention.

  B. Life Cycle

  In addition to the baby question, what else do you anticipate doing or having in your life? What would you like your life to be like, not just in the next few years, but through the whole cycle from now to midlife to retirement, aging? In five years, ten years, twenty years, forty years? What do you want to experience in addition to, or instead of parenting?

  You might consider your current job, a career change, travel or living in another country, volunteer causes, sports or artistic pursuits. These activities may be something you did before you got bogged down with your career, something you’ve never done before, or something you do now, say hiking, that you would like to do more in the future.

  Let’s say you became a parent two years from now. If you had a child, how would your child’s stages, e.g., infancy, pre-school, elementary school dovetail with your other goals and interests? For instance, if in five years you want to be focusing on parenting, then your three-year old’s preschool stage would be a good fit. On the other hand, if you plan to do archeology in a third-world country, that might be a challenge for keeping your child safe.

  How would a child’s development coincide with the different stages in your own development? Reading Chapter 5, “Which Way Happiness?” may help you name your goals for your own development and consider whether a child’s developmental stages would be compatible.

  C. Rocking Chair

  This fantasy can help you predict the regrets you may have about either decision when you’re older.

  You are seventy-five years old. You’re half-asleep in a rocking chair by the fire. Your life swims dreamily before you. Long ago, when you were in your early thirties, you chose not to have children. How do you feel about this decision?

  Now, visualize the same scenario with one difference—you had children. How do you feel about this decision? Reconstruct both of these fantasies under these varying circumstances:

  Your partner is still alive.

  You are healthy and active.

  Your partner is dead.

  You are ill and in a nursing home.

  The concept of regrets is a touchy subject, particularly to the childfree, who are rightfully angered by the hostile question, “But won’t you be sorry later?” This isn’t a real question because it comes with a built-in, arrogant and often incorrect answer: “Of course you will!” Other people’s rude questions, even when you are mentally writing off the busybodies, or pushing back on busybodies, can trigger some of your own fear of regrets. Rest assured that some regret is inevitable. But these regrets will be minimal compared to the regrets you would have if you made the wrong decision. Mild regrets, through the years, about the road not taken, are a normal part of living the good life with the decision you made. They do not suggest that you made the wrong decision.

  In 1979, Time magazine interviewed television commentator Betty Rollin for an article entitled “Wondering If Children Are Necessary” because she was one of the first—and most fervent—to attack pronatalism. In 1970, she published an article called “Motherhood—Who Needs It?” in Look magazine. And today it is still read, anthologized, and praised as one of the most articulate on the subject.

  Wondering what Ms. Rollin had to say nine years later, Time asked her the question that isn’t really a question, and printed an inaccurate out-of-context quote: “Something interesting has happened to a few of the N.O.N. believers (National Organization of Non-Parents). They have grown older and changed their minds. Now Rollin says she ‘feels like I’ve missed something’ by not having a child.” The article then went on to describe myriad career women jumping into maternity clothes just before their biological alarm clocks went off.

  This “I told you so” slant outrageously distorted Rollin’s message. What she actually said was: “Look, I feel that I missed something, which I’m occasionally wistful about. But that doesn’t mean that I’m sorry or that I wouldn’t make the same decision again. I think people who do have children miss something, too.”

  Far from saying that she made the wrong choice, Ms. Rollin is saying loud and clear that she made the right choice. While she missed something by not having a child, she would have missed even more, she felt, by having one. What Time presented as a statement of regret was actually a statement of mixed feelings about the right decision, not of remorse over a wrong one.

  Ms. Rollin commented on the misquote. “I felt used and I was upset about it. I wrote Time a letter and got a letter back, but my letter was not published. I felt bad about it because I thought, in a sense, I had let down the people who chose the way I did and have been made to feel uncomfortable. I think that’s really too bad.”

  While it’s an open question whether Ms. Rollin was deliberately misquoted, I believe the distortion of the quote, hand-in-hand with Time’s failure to correct it or print her letter about it, indicates society’s prejudice against the childfree. Indeed, even the choice to interview Betty Rollin reflects a bias. “Do you regret your choice?” could have been asked of equally prominent women with children. Asking it of Ms. Rollin alone reveals society’s poisonous prediction that nonparents—and only nonparents—will regret their decision. Those who ask “the question that isn’t really a question” often act as though there would be no greater pleasure than to be an eyewitness at the predicted “moment of truth” when the nonparent lets out an agonized cry, “If only we had had children!” Such people have already rehearsed the scene, and the words, “I told you so!” practically bounce off their tongues.

  The rocking-chair question, on the other hand, is real because it assumes that everyone, parent and nonparent alike, will have some regrets about their choice. It does not assume that childfree people are more likely to be sorry than parents.

  Because the “will-you-be-sorry” question is so misused, it’s tempting to avoid this issue entirely if you’re leaning toward the childfree choice. But please don’t run away from it. It won’t make you change your mind. If the childfree choice is right for you, you’ll be able to answer, “No! When I look back, I’ll be glad I lived my life as I did. Children would have kept me from living the kind of life I wanted.”

  Moreover, in this exercise, you are not asking, “Will I regret my decision?” Actually, that’s a meaningless question because the baby decision is so momentous, the pros and cons so compelling, that almost everyone will suffer an occasional pang of regret. The fruitful question is, “Which decision would I regret the least?” This question will give you an important clue to your own baby mystery.

  Finally, by anticipating your own potential regrets, you will be able to make the most of your potential decision. For instance:

  Mary and Nelson knew they wanted to remain childfree. The rocking-chair fantasy showed them that their only regret might be a lack of contact with the younger generation. Nelson decided to become a Big Brother. Mary, a poet, decided to try writing verse for young children.

  Rob and Sandra want children, but their rocking-chair fantasy indicated that they didn’t want to give up their career commitments or their freedom to travel. They decided to have only one child and spend the money they would have spent on another child on trips and vacations.

  Now it is your turn to visit the rocking chair in the exercise. Imagine looking back on your life in both scenarios—childfree or parenting. Ch
oose one scenario and visualize for five to ten minutes, then switch to the other scenario. You may want to jot down notes after each visualization to jar your memory when you are thinking or talking about the decision. You may want to close your eyes, put on some soothing music, or take a few deep breaths as you begin.

  Don’t worry if you find both scenarios both appealing and unpleasant. The rationale for the rocking chair fantasy is to get a broader perspective on the baby decision. As you fantasize “from the future,” you’ll picture a wider swath of your potential childfree or parenting life.

  Looking In

  Many insights that could help you make your decision are locked inside your unconscious mind. In order to reclaim them, you’ll have to catch the gatekeeper—your rational mind—off-guard. The exercises below will help you steal past the guard to retrieve this booty.

  A. Diary

  Keep a diary of your feelings about parenthood. Use different colored pens to differentiate your thoughts on the two choices: One color is for pro-childfree thoughts, including negative reactions to actual children or negative thoughts about parenting. The other color is for positive feelings about parenting and negative thoughts about the childfree choice. Don’t force yourself to write daily or a lot. Write only when you have something to say. Don’t edit or analyze—just let the words flow out.

  Over time, what changes do you see? Does one ink color begin to predominate?

  How are your diary entries affected by daily events like:

  Your mood

  Contact with children

  Contact with childfree friends or friends who are parents

  Your relationship with your partner

  Your work life

  After a while, you will discover that one ink color begins to predominate. You may actually be able to see the color of the decision toward which you are leaning without having to read all the content! Many people have reported that this exercise led them to an “Aha!” moment. Even if it doesn’t, you will get a stronger sense of the direction of your choice.

  B. Dream Power

  Do you dream about pregnancy, birth, or parenting? Before you go to bed, encourage yourself to remember these dreams in the morning. Keep a notebook and pencil by your bed so you can jot down some notes while you’re still half-asleep. Try not to turn on bright lights. A small flashlight or your cell phone may enable you to write yourself a note without becoming fully awake or bothering your partner.

  What messages, if any, are you receiving from your unconscious? How would you interpret these dreams?

  If you have trouble remembering dreams, try meditation, self-hypnosis, or hypnotherapy with a professional. These states may also provide insights not available to your rational mind.

  A counselor, partner, or friend might help you with interpretation. Be aware that your partner may offer a biased interpretation because there is so much at stake for him or her. This bias is often unconscious but powerful. On the other hand, your partner may have insightful interpretations that can lead to a wonderful discussion.

  Nuts and Bolts of Parenting

  Are you really prepared to meet the demands of parenthood? Even if you’re eager for a child and willing to spend time with him or her, you may not be willing to do all the work a child requires. The following exercises will help you connect to the nitty-gritty tasks of parenthood.

  A. Swedish Family Hotel

  Imagine that you have the opportunity to live in a hotel in your own community that is patterned after the ones in Sweden: your family has its own individual living unit with a kitchenette that allows you to cook an occasional private meal. If you’re too busy or too tired to cook, you can eat in the cafeteria downstairs. A cleaning service tidies your apartment while you’re at work. Your baby is rocked and cuddled in a nursery right in your building, and your six-year-old’s school is within walking distance. Best of all, during the years your children are very young, you don’t have to be deprived of adult contact. A meaningful grownup conversation is as close as your neighbor’s door.

  If you could live in such a setting, would you?

  How would raising a family in a Swedish hotel differ from raising one in an American house?

  If this fantasy is too foreign, imagine hiring a live-in housekeeper who would clean, cook, shop, and chauffeur, or that your parents or in-laws provided these services.

  Jim and Joanne, who had strong, positive feelings about children, loved the idea of a Swedish hotel. They were practically ready to board a jet to Stockholm. They realized they had been leaning toward the childfree choice simply because the thought of all the work and planning involved seemed too exhausting to contemplate. But once they pinned down their basic worry, they immediately began to explore creative ways of dealing with this issue.

  For Connie and Donald, the exercise was even more revealing. Although they had both assumed they didn’t want to be parents because of the work involved, they discovered that even if all the work were done for them, they still wouldn’t want kids. They had a good conversation about what mattered to them about being childfree. They also talked about how they wanted their life to change now that they knew time, energy, and money would be available for commitments other than parenthood

  Unfortunately, things are harder for working parents in the United States. Day care, nannies, or domestic help may be unaffordable or tightly stretch the budget. These workers may not be available during the hours that match your family’s needs. Also, it is wise to arrange for back-up day care if a caretaker is sick or takes another job, or your child is too sick to be at school or day care.

  You may have the good fortune to have a friend or relative who is willing and able to care for your child. If you are leaning toward parenthood, talk to friends who have children about their arrangements. You can also see the appendices in this book for other resources.

  B. Homework Assignment

  This exercise will help you picture yourself involved in child-rearing activities. Thumb through a book on parenting such as Margot Sunderland’s The Science of Parenting. Its excellent photographs of parents with young children may appeal to you or leave you cold. Read some of the text on how parents cope with their children’s needs and misbehavior. Now, in a comfortable place, close your eyes, and imagine yourself (and your partner) interacting with your own child in a similar situation. Does this involvement excite you with its teaching and intimacy? Or does it make you feel like you opened the wrong door, and want to race for the exit?

  Picture yourself in some of the problem situations described. Then, try to imagine yourself (and your partner) handling the problem. How do you feel about what you did—pleased, anxious, resentful?

  Yolanda focused on her feelings of pride in successfully helping her child solve problems.

  Ellen thought, Yecch! I don’t really want to deal with potty training or the terrible twos.

  Peter realized he expected his wife Liz to deal with all the problems because she was “the mother.” Liz thought they ought to share both the joys and the problems. It turned out that their differing expectations stemmed from the different values and attitudes their parents had about childrearing—values they had both learned at an early age. They had been leaning toward parenthood, but this problem was holding them back. Understandably, Liz was unwilling to take on 90 percent of the burden. Peter had to decide whether he could let go of the pattern of distance he’d learned as a child and commit to being a more engaged father.

  Obviously, no one likes to handle a temper tantrum in the supermarket or a broken arm on the playground. No one has a child in order to seek out such experiences, so the question isn’t, “Do I want the problems that children bring?” This exercise asks whether the idea of helping a child to grow emotionally, morally, and intellectually appeals to you. Perhaps you can remember a communication problem with an adult or a conflict you resolved at work and realize that those skills might apply to parenting as well.

  If the parent-child interactions
in the book did not appeal to you, this information may make the childfree choice more attractive.

  C. Interiors

  Look around your apartment, house or condo. What would you have to change if you had a child? For instance, putting safety plugs in outlets or putting locks on kitchen cabinets.

  You may find it helpful to visit the homes of friends with young children to see what the physical space is like. This is especially useful if you were ever in the same home before the baby was born. You can then compare the pre-baby and post-baby environments. Try to visit a home with a crawling baby or toddler; younger infants may not require as much child-proofing.

  Would you have to move in order to get more space, more playmates, a safer neighborhood, or better schools? Could you afford to move?

  Are there any parallels between the physical changes parenthood would require in your home and the psychological changes it would require in your life?

  Ed envisioned his house as terribly cramped after a baby’s arrival. He and Marcia also felt a baby would cramp their lifestyle of eating out and traveling spontaneously.

  Randy and Carolyn, in contrast, have always viewed their unfurnished spare room as a future nursery. They enjoyed picturing that room filled with brightly colored furniture and toys and thought a baby would fill a void in their otherwise enjoyable existence.

  It may be helpful, if you’re a confirmed city dweller, to realize that parenthood doesn’t necessarily mean being sentenced to suburbia. If you were to choose parenthood, perhaps you could convert an attic or den into a nursery. Or you might consider moving to a less glamorous neighborhood that offered more space for your money.

  These individual exercises have given you a chance to take stock of your feelings about parenthood, to make the possibilities of parenthood or a childfree life less abstract and more real. For instance, if your throat went dry and your eyes filled when you thought about not having a child, that’s a deeper response than you get from making a list of the pros and cons of parenthood.