The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  1. Ambivalence. Many parents, on a bad day, regret having children, especially as he or she leaves a warm bed at 3:00 A.M. to comfort, change, or feed a screaming baby. Remember, many pregnancies that weren’t unplanned were unquestioned. The parent who would have chosen childlessness, had they believed it was an acceptable choice, may say, “You’ll be sorry later” because he’s sorry now and envies your freedom.

  2. Ignorance. Many people aren’t aware of the studies that indicate that the childfree are at least as happy and as emotionally stable as parents. Such reports tend to be tucked away in professional journals that don’t reach the general public.

  3. Failure to accept difference. People assume that what is good for them is good for their friends. A couple smitten with their cuddly cherub may not recognize that parenting offers little enchantment to friends whose weekends are devoted to backpacking and playing together in a jazz band.

  Games Parents Play with Childfree People

  In the grip of such feelings, people search for ways to vent them. But few are willing to be completely open and risk losing a friend, so they express their disapproval in less direct ways—by playing games. Psychologist Eric Berne in Games People Play defines a game as:

  . . . a social interaction which is in some ways dishonest and irresponsible. It is played for an ulterior motive. In many cases, neither the initiator nor the victim of the game is consciously aware of the payoff. Even though games serve a need, they are ultimately selfdefeating. Honesty with oneself and others, though painful in the short run, leads down a longer path to fulfillment.

  “You’ll Be Sorry”

  Lisa and Zack tell their friends that Zack has had a vasectomy. Jessie and Andy, parents of toddler twins, are shocked. “Won’t you be sorry, later?” they ask.

  The purpose: to “punish” the childfree person for the “sin” of freedom, for escaping 3:00 A.M. feedings and 3 million diaper changes.

  The payoff: seeing the childfree person squirm and counterattack. For the player, the counterattack proves that the childfree person is neurotic about the issue. And that “proof” serves to soothe his or her own doubts.

  The price: a phony, fruitless interchange in which neither person’s feelings are revealed.

  The counter game: an authentic dialogue in which the parents are free to state their own regrets and envy of the childfree couple’s life and vice versa. The players can understand and respect each other’s choices and remain close friends despite their different attitudes. They can even enjoy friends who have interesting lives that are different from theirs.

  “Ha! Ha! We Knew It All Along”

  Joanna and Brad had decided to remain childfree when they were 23 but changed their minds at 33. When they announced Joanna’s pregnancy at a party the response was infuriating.

  “Hah! The great childfree couple! You talked so much about your freedom, and now you’ve found out how empty it really is. We always knew you’d change your minds!”

  The purpose: to deprive the formerly childfree couple of the right to change their minds, to express anger at someone who almost got away with “freedom” and to express relief that “you turned out to be like us, after all.”

  The price: the people who changed their minds feel angry and hurt. They are not being validated for a good childfree decision in the past nor the wisdom, at this point, of their decision to have a child. The bonds of friendship are weakened if not broken.

  The counter game: an honest response to the change of heart and an expression of curiosity. “Congratulations! What made you change your mind?” The newly pregnant couple could then explain—but only if they want to—why the childfree choice was right in the past and why parenthood seems right for the future.

  Remember that people who change their minds are not ex-fools who have finally embraced some absolute, universal truth that you have always subscribed to. Their earlier choice was right at the time, but they are different people now, and the change reflects these differences.

  Another variation of this game occurs when parenting friends try to take some of the credit for their friends’ new decision. “You listened to me at last. Because of my arguments, you have finally made the one true choice.” In this situation, the players are wrestling for control.

  “Do Me a Favor”

  It’s not easy to be the only childfree couple in a small town, as Kristin and Mike tell it. They’re called upon to do whatever parents are “too busy” to do: raise money for the local hospital, run the church bazaar and, of course, babysit for free. It is assumed that such requests are a cure for their selfishness. These requests sometimes include the phrase “Since you have nothing better to do.” And if they say no, that will be viewed as proof of selfishness. There you are accused, found guilty, and sentenced to community service without due process.

  The purpose: to convey the message, “Since you don’t have children, you’re obviously not doing anything important.”

  The payoff: ensuring that the couple is as overburdened as they are so they won’t have to feel jealous.

  The price: Kristin and Mike feel so resentful that they don’t do very well at the activities they’re talked into. They’re made to feel guilty about a perfectly good choice.

  The counter game: Despite their fears of being accused of selfishness, Kristin and Mike have to start saying no to any favor they don’t want to do. Accusations of selfishness can be countered with the assertiveness techniques described at the end of this chapter. The couple can insist that they are not gazing into space, margarita in hand. They are busy with activities of their own choosing according to their own values. They could also benefit from the support of other childfree people. (See Appendix 2 for Resources for Childfree Organizations.)

  People who choose to remain childfree have to develop armor, particularly women. Because motherhood has always been sacrosanct in our society, we’ve developed a whole set of myths and assumptions about childbearing:

  Pregnancy is a woman’s most fulfilling experience.

  You’re not a real woman until you’ve had a child.

  Motherhood is a woman’s destiny.

  Even though feminism has countered these beliefs and choosing to be childfree is more acceptable now than in the past, these beliefs persist and still cause emotional pain. Spending time with childfree friends and parenting friends who respect your choice will help.

  Consequently, childfree women are more maligned than childfree men. The childless woman is shirking her role: she’s cold, selfish, immature, neurotic. The childless man, on the other hand, probably has something more important to do; he’s devoting his energies to his career. So it’s not surprising that women are more upset by meddlers than their husbands are.

  If you’re hit by any of these accusations, recognize that sexism is an aspect of pronatalism, and point it out to the meddlers. If you’re a childfree husband, listen empathetically to your wife’s description of her frustrations. Offer her the support she needs to overcome them. Keep in mind that most people will judge her more harshly than they’ll judge you, not that either of you should be judged.

  The “Joys of Freedom” Crowd

  Educating people about the childfree option is necessary and productive; pressuring couples to choose that option is not. Although the childfree still receive the most criticism, an increasingly large group of people is ready to point an accusing finger at you should you choose parenthood. And sometimes these are the very people who thought long and hard about both options! The problem is, they’re not entirely comfortable with their choice.

  Eileen and Richard decided to have a child. During Eileen’s pregnancy, their best friends announced their decision to remain childfree. These friends asked questions about parenthood that made it sound as if Eileen and Richard had just been stricken by an incurable disease that would destroy their lives.

  After considering adoption, Joyce, a single woman, decided to remain childfree. When her best friend, Anita, also single,
gleefully announced her pregnancy, Joyce offered Anita only a cool, subdued congratulations.

  What is going on? Why such strong reactions from normally easygoing people? The answer is simple: self-doubt.

  Psychologists use the term “cognitive dissonance” to describe the act of selling someone else our own choice because we’re afraid theirs might be right. Seeing others revel in the pleasure of the opposite choice makes us question the wisdom of our own. To reassure ourselves, we feverishly throw ourselves into telling the other person that our choice is not only right for us, but for them, too.

  Games Childfree People Play

  Couples suffering from cognitive dissonance aren’t always upfront with their attacks. Often, they play a game called “We Have More Fun Than You.”

  Although Keith and Sara have announced their plan to remain childfree, they are still uneasy about the choice. Their best friends have just had a baby, and they drop by for a visit one night at eight. There’s a charcoal smell in the air, but no steak in sight. Judy and Ralph open the door to give an explanation that is repeatedly interrupted by the baby’s screeches. While they debated what to do about Jennifer’s colic, the casserole burned to a crisp. Dressed in their designer best, Keith and Sara observe that Judy’s jeans and Ralph’s shirt are decorated in spit-up and squash. Ignoring both their friends’ appearance and the baby, they begin to describe their plans for the evening—a French restaurant, a Broadway musical, and a cast party.

  The purpose: to make their friends even more painfully aware of the gap between their past luxury and their present drudgery.

  The price: potential regret about alienating their friends.

  The payoff: to cover up their anxiety about their decision.

  The counter game: 1. To continue working on the decision until it’s more solid. 2. To empathize with their friends’ frustration. 3. To realize that Judy and Ralph’s decision to parent may well be right for them. 4. To recognize that the difficulties of living with a newborn are temporary and that once life settles down for Judy and Ralph the gap between them and their friends will lessen. This screeching baby could turn out to be a feisty, charming three-year-old who would give Keith and Sara a chance to play with and nurture a child they don’t have to raise.

  “You’re Just a Sheep”

  In this game, childfree people claim superiority over parents by assuming that anyone who has carefully considered the baby decision would naturally decide against a baby. They believe, “We who don’t have kids have total control of our lives. You, who are parents, have no control over yours.”

  The payoff: by feeling superior to parents, they mask their insecurity about the childfree choice.

  The counter game: accept the wisdom of different strokes for different folks. When a nonparent feels insecure about his decision, that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision, just an unfinished one. After all, in a baby-peddling society, it’s not surprising that those who refuse the purchase will sometimes feel uncertain.

  The Conformity Syndrome

  Sometimes nonparents accuse parents of giving in to society’s expectations. In their opinion, childfree persons deserve a badge of courage for nonconformity. Although it’s certainly true that in today’s world, nonparents make the less traditional choice and deserve a great deal of support and respect for their decision, we cannot stereotype all parenthood decisions as conformist and childfree decisions as nonconformist. It’s not that simple.

  For example, sometimes what looks like conformity may really be a positive learning experience.

  In January, Brian and Amy consider parenthood. They’re nervous and uncertain, and they make lists of reasons for not having children. In June, their best friends give birth to a child. The following January, Amy is pregnant. Other childfree friends accuse them of conforming.

  Are they guilty or not? Guilty, if Brian and Amy didn’t want a baby but followed in their friends’ footsteps anyway. Not guilty, if they really wanted a baby but were scared to jump off the fence. Perhaps parenthood seemed less scary once they noticed that their friends had not only survived but actually enjoyed parenthood. Maybe they had fun playing with their friends’ baby. These experiences may simply have made it easier for them to do what they wanted to do in the first place.

  Although they probably don’t realize it, Brian and Amy benefited from two valuable psychological techniques: desensitization and role modeling. Desensitization is a process by which repeated small, safe doses of something scary reduces one’s fear. Role modeling is the process of imitating the behavior of someone greatly admired. So what looked to their childfree friends like conformity on Brian and Amy’s part was actually their own decision.

  The fact is that every decision contains some elements of conformity. Since there are going to be people criticizing both choices, the issue of conformity depends on the prevailing view of your particular social circle. In a study of college students, Ohio State Professor Sharon Houseknecht found that those committed to the childfree choice had friends with similar commitments and/or friends who supported that choice. She concluded that the childfree choice could indeed be a conformist choice involving conformity to a small anti-parenthood social group rather than to the larger pronatalist society. (“Reference Group Support for Voluntary Childlessness: Evidence for Conformity,” in Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 39, May, 1977).

  If you have a baby shortly after one of your friends does and the rest of your predominantly childfree crowd is shouting “conformist!” you could turn the tables on them and point out that you actually made the nonconformist choice in the view of most of the people you know. And if their doubts should get to you, check out the following considerations. You’re guilty of conformity if:

  You haven’t thought through the decision on your own.

  You have a baby just because you always assumed you would.

  You don’t want your family or friends to think less of you.

  You want people to stop hassling you.

  You’re the only one who has the right to decide whether your decision is genuine. If you’re comfortable with it, ignore the pointing fingers and walk on.

  Stilling the Angry Voices

  Before we begin to examine some of the techniques you can use to take the heat off yourself without alienating your loved ones, take a moment to study:

  “The Pressure Victim’s Bill of Rights.”

  Keep in mind that you have, at all times, the following rights:

  The right to choose whether or not to discuss the decision with a particular person.

  The right to be heard if you do wish to explain your decision to chosen people.

  The right to cut the conversation short or change its direction.

  The right to point out and object to manipulative techniques.

  Below you will find some techniques for resisting other people’s pressures.

  Dodging

  This is a technique to use when you want to get a meddler off your back quickly. Simply agree with his or her viewpoint and don’t add any fuel to the fire. You don’t really have to agree; just acknowledge the possibility of some truth in what the person is saying. “You may be right about that. Perhaps it’s true.”

  Light Retorts and Humor

  When somebody’s meddling is making you sick, laughter may be the best medicine.

  Eva’s mother told her that being childfree was wrong because motherhood is natural.

  “Oh, yeah?” replied Eva. “So are rattlesnakes, malaria, and poison ivy!”

  Bounce Back the “Shrink” Ball

  If someone tries to push you onto the analyst’s couch, bounce back with a response such as “What gives you the right to analyze me? How can you presume to know what is going on in my unconscious mind?”

  Even people who have no trouble resisting amateur psychotherapists can fall prey to real ones. And a friend or relative who happens to be a trained therapist can be very narrow-minded about the baby decision, especially
your decision. You don’t have to put up with slick pronouncements such as, “You don’t want kids because your childhood was unhappy” or “You’re only having kids because you want someone to control.” Even a therapist whom you trust and whom you’ve asked for help should offer interpretations or advice tentatively. You have the right to ask your therapist to explain his or her opinion as well as the right to challenge it. Therapists are fallible human beings who are sometimes wrong about their clients. Talking about your disagreement may lead to a profound discussion relevant to your decision. And maybe your therapist will learn something from you.

  Keep in mind that there are some therapists who believe that if you have “healed from your childhood,” you will want to have children. They do not understand, and didn’t learn in their professional training, that highly functioning, exceptionally talented, brave, and wise people choose childfree lives precisely because of healthy, creative activities they are involved in in their lives.

  “Why Does It Matter to You?”

  Shift the focus from yourself to the critic. Ask why the issue is so important to them. It will help if all of you see that their statements are based on their values, not on some absolute truth:

  AMANDA: Is it true you’re pregnant, Melissa? (Melissa smiles and nods.) I suppose I should say congratulations, but somehow I’m bothered. Have you really thought this thing through?

  MELISSA: What is it about my being pregnant that bothers you?

  AMANDA: Well, it’s your career! How can you possibly continue to run the public relations department if you have a baby?