The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  It is also worthwhile to consider how often you may feel such regrets and how they will compare with your positive feelings toward your life choice. If you’ve thought about these issues, chances are your regrets will probably be mild, and infrequent.

  “I should remain childfree only if I have absolutely no desire for children.” You can’t expect an unequivocal choice. You just have to follow your overall leanings. You may have a strong desire for children but an even stronger desire to pursue your own goals without the responsibility of caring for a child.

  Evan and Mia were fairly certain that the childfree choice was right for them, but occasionally “baby hunger” held them back from a definite commitment. Upon closer examination, they discovered that these pangs generally surfaced only on holidays when their young nieces and nephews were around. The rest of the time they rarely fantasized about babies; they were too engrossed in their careers, travel, and time with friends. They realized they had been socialized to believe that “holiday time is kid time.” This realization helped them make a definite commitment. They redefined holidays as a time to enjoy the extended family they already had rather than creating a nuclear family they didn’t want.

  “Being a parent is the only way to meet my need to nurture.” There are lots of ways to nurture without being a parent as we will discuss later in this book. Moreover, it’s possible that being a parent would be the worst possible way to meet these needs. So if you want to remain childfree, don’t force yourself to become a parent just because you enjoy taking care of others. There are dozens of other ways you can nurture and create without becoming a parent. “Everyone tells me I’d be a good parent, and that means I should be one.” Mindy knows exactly what to do with other people’s children. As head teacher of an innovative day care center, she’s successful and popular with the children, parents, and staff. But does enjoying other people’s children mean that she would enjoy her own? Although her husband and friends are noisily pushing parenthood, Mindy hears a quieter inner voice whispering, “Peace, quiet, and solitude.” She loves to meditate, read, quilt, and listen to classical music. It would be hard to give up her quiet weekends for noisy babies.

  The fact that Mindy has parenting skills doesn’t mean she should become a parent any more than having mathematical ability means one should become an engineer. Only her inner desires can tell her whether or not to have a child. And her job already met her need to nurture.

  “Remaining childfree means you’re selfish.” As we have already discussed this assumption is not only irrational, but it’s also arbitrary. It’s a label that’s tossed around casually and readily these days, but the definition of what constitutes selfishness can vary widely, depending on who’s using the label. The fact is, there’s simply no objective way to measure selfishness.

  In my view, selfishness is an attempt to meet your own needs without regard for anyone else’s. Self-love, on the other hand, means caring about yourself enough to do what’s right for you, nourishing yourself in such a way that you can love others, too. And if you don’t love yourself enough to make the decision that’s right for you, it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to love anyone else wholeheartedly.

  Remember, too, that people accusing you of selfishness may actually envy your freedom and resent that you didn’t have to “pay your parenting dues” as they did.

  “If we don’t have a child, it’s because we’re chicken.” The assumption that childfree couples are simply afraid to take a risk, that they are hanging onto a familiar lifestyle because they can’t handle any change in their lives, is a popular one, especially among self-righteous parents. But in fact, cowardice or courage can be manifested in either life choice. The cowardly may have children because they’re afraid of others’ disapproval. The heroic may have children only by leaping over their fears, hoping for the best. Others certainly do remain childfree because change is threatening. But many choose the childfree option despite heavy social pressures and their own fears of regret and show great courage in doing so.

  “Remaining childfree means remaining the same.” You’re already childfree, right? So you know what to expect if you remain childfree, right? Wrong. Your life will change through the years whether you fear it or look forward to it eagerly. Childfree at twenty is not the same as childfree at thirty-seven or at fifty-six. You will certainly have many opportunities to grow and change with or without children.

  Poison Vials About Preparing for Parenthood

  “Caring for a pet will help me evaluate my ability to parent.” Some people assume that caring for pets can shed light on their potential enjoyment and skill set for parenting. If their dog or cat is the light of their life, they believe a child would be, too. If they find pet care burdensome, they assume that child care would be impossible. These activities are not fortune tellers. People’s feelings about children are different from their feelings about pets. Fido has to be fed, walked, and trained, but he doesn’t require round-the-clock care, He doesn’t have to be fed or changed at 2:00 A.M. On the other hand, even though child-rearing involves more work, that work could turn out to be more rewarding and more fun. With a child, there is a depth of relationship and communication and the sense of a child’s unfolding.

  If you have a pet, ask yourself how you feel about taking care of it, what sacrifices you’ve made, and what the rewards are. Consider what these feelings might tell you about the baby question. Consider this clue to be just one of many. Your decision will be based on a combination of all your feelings about all the issues related to parenthood.

  “Borrowing a child will tell us how we would feel about our own child.” Child-borrowing can provide useful information, or it can make you more confused. It all depends on how you approach such an experiment and what you hope to get out of it. Let’s look at two child-borrowing sessions to note some of the common pitfalls.

  Heavenly Saturday

  Nick and Emily borrowed a colleague’s ten-year-old daughter Melissa for the day. In her frilly, lace dress with her curly blond hair, she could have posed for a children’s clothing advertisement. She pranced around the zoo and giggled in the ice cream parlor. They all had a wonderful time, and Nick and Emily concluded they would enjoy being parents.

  Unfortunately, what they don’t know will hurt them. If Melissa hadn’t gone out with them, she would have been at home driving her parents crazy. Melissa wants to be the center of attention, not at the periphery of her parents’ work activities. A dual-career couple, Melissa’s parents form a clean-up committee of two every Saturday. So far Melissa has turned down all invitations to join the committee. In Melissa’s neighborhood, there are few children and consequently there are many demands on Melissa’s parents.

  Even if Frank and Evelyn found they could cope with and perhaps end Melissa’s complaints, they wouldn’t necessarily be able to cope with parenthood. Enjoying the company of a pretty ten-year-old doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll love a screaming infant.

  Hellish Sunday

  Chris and Elli have borrowed a six-month-old named Joshua, and they’re puzzled and frustrated. He’s wailing at the top of his lungs and leaking from the bottom of his diaper. Neither bottle nor rocker nor pacifier will calm him. Consequently, Chris and Elli are stressed and uncertain about what to do.

  What happened to the cheerful cherub they fell in love with two months ago at his parents’ house? Obviously Joshua’s parents are competent to care for babies, but they are not.

  Obvious, but wrong. Two crucial events have taken place between the two meetings. Joshua has changed: as a six-month-old he has just reached the age of stranger shyness. When they held him two months ago, he didn’t realize as fully as he does now that Chris and Elli were not Mommy and Daddy. And his own parents had been there, providing a security base.

  Also, Chris and Elli themselves have changed. Two months ago, the baby question was an open one, and they were relaxed about it. But now they’ve worked themselves into a panic: Elli’s thirty-eig
hth birthday is approaching. So instead of playing happily with Joshua as they did before, they’re looking at him anxiously as if his bald head were a crystal ball. Because they are tense, Joshua responds with tension of his own. And of course, his unhappiness upsets them all the more.

  It’s quite possible that Chris and Elli would love being parents if they just understood Joshua’s stage of development and resolved some of their own conflicts about parenting.

  Here are some guidelines to successful child-borrowing:

  1. Borrow a child only after you have spent time with her while her parents are present. This will help ease stranger anxiety. Try to see the child more than once, under ideal circumstances (a Saturday barbecue when the parents and child are well rested), and again under worse circumstances (when the child is sick or when the parents have just arrived home from work exhausted and the child is hungry). Talk to the parents before you borrow the child to find out about her personality, needs, and preferences.

  2. When you make arrangements for borrowing, make sure you have all the equipment you need to make the child comfortable: bottles, diapers, clothes, and favorite toys for a young child, a comforting teddy bear or blanket, or books or games for an older child. Ask the parents whether they anticipate any problems, and if so, ask for advice on how to handle that problem.

  3. Borrow the same child a few times. Keep in mind that a child may be more comfortable in his own home or may enjoy the novelty of yours. If the child comes to your house, ask his parents’ advice on child-proofing.

  4. Borrow children of different ages to get an idea of how you feel about infants versus toddlers versus elementary schoolers.

  5. Don’t borrow a child if your partner doesn’t want to on that particular day. Or if you do and your partner doesn’t, arrange to see the child alone.

  6. Don’t borrow a child when you’re particularly upset about the baby issue. Your mood could affect the child’s mood or interfere with your objectivity.

  7. Don’t assume that child-borrowing will completely resolve the parenthood dilemma. This experience is one of many that you can use in decision-making.

  8. Don’t assume you’ll feel the same way about the borrowed child as you will about your own. In reality, your feelings about your own child will be much more intense. Because you’ll be in love with your own child (even though you’re afraid you won’t be), you will have a higher tolerance for problems. You’ll also have a larger repertoire of activities that you know your child enjoys.

  9. After you return the child, take some time to debrief with your partner. Listen carefully. Don’t try to talk your partner out of his or her positive or negative feelings because they differ from yours, and therefore threaten you.

  10. Ask yourself these questions about child-borrowing:

  Before you borrow a child:

  What do you expect to learn? Are your expectations realistic?

  Do you have a hidden agenda, such as the unexpressed hope that “If my partner can just see how awful kids really are, he’ll give up the idea of parenthood,” or “If she only sees how cute babies are, she’ll be ready to go off the pill”?

  After you borrow a child:

  What did you enjoy about the experience?

  What did you dislike?

  Did you take problems in stride or did you take them personally?

  How comfortable were you with physical closeness?

  Which age groups are most appealing? Why?

  Which age groups were least appealing? Why?

  Are you eager to borrow this child again? Why or why not?

  What does this experience tell you about your possible strengths and weaknesses as a parent? About your desire to be a parent?

  How did you as a couple relate to the child? Was there easy cooperation? Or was there competition over who could be the better parent? Was there any arm-twisting to involve a partner who really wanted to be elsewhere? Were there times you wanted to talk to your partner but the child got in the way? How did you handle that, and how did you feel about it?

  In what ways do you think you would respond differently to your own child?

  “Changing my/our minds is a sign of weakness.” Hogwash! I agree with Emerson that “a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Flexibility is a characteristic of happy people and exercising it can lead to a more fulfilling existence.

  Jessie and Kyle were active members of the optional parenthood movement. At twenty-five, they had been certain they wanted to remain childfree and support zero population growth. At thirty-five Jessie gave birth to a son.

  “It was hard to tell everyone we changed our minds,” Jessie said. “We had been on talk shows, published articles, spoken at rallies. Would we be the laughingstock of the childfree world?”

  “It didn’t turn out that way,” Jessie reported “Our friends were surprised, but they respected our choice.”

  “We don’t regret our involvement in the optional parenthood movement,” Kyle added. “In fact, we’re still active members, supporting other people’s right to remain childfree. And we know our decision really was our own, not something we fell into.”

  “We have to have two children if we have one.” Grace is a victim of the all-or-nothing myth. “I think we could manage one child and two careers,” she told me, “but I doubt we could manage two. We don’t want a lonely, spoiled child. It wouldn’t be fair. So I guess we won’t have any.”

  Psychological research is punching holes in myths about only children. Only children turn out to be happier and more popular than the people with siblings. Rather than being spoiled, they are less competitive and more generous to their friends than children with siblings. (See Chapter 8, “Only Child—A Singular Solution.”)

  A Final Word About Poisons

  Because these beliefs reflect our society’s values and standards, it’s hard to escape their influence. They are communicated to us in dozens of subtle ways: in the voices of friends and relatives, in the books we read, in the movies we watch. But if you maintain some perspective, you can minimize their power. Recognize that they are simply arbitrary and often misleading. They need not interfere with your decision.

  There are as many ways of defining happiness as there are ways of being happy. For some couples, children will enhance their joy; for others, they would ruin it. The very fact that you’re conflicted about the baby issue suggests that you have the potential to find satisfaction in either choice. Understanding what happiness means to you will inform your choice.

  In this chapter, we’re going to look at some of the building blocks of happiness and examine how they relate to the decision-making process in general and to each life choice in particular.

  Building Blocks of Happiness

  Adventure

  Adventure, as an ingredient of happiness, is not about sky-diving, at least not for most of us. It’s about being interested and curious about new possibilities. If you’re not adventurous, you won’t be able to make a good decision. You have to leave the safety of the status quo and sail through the storm of new possibilities if you want to get anywhere. And you also have to face the danger of making the wrong choice.

  If you remain childfree, you have an obvious edge over parents in the amount of time and energy you have available for both physical and intellectual adventures. Not all childfree people take advantage of their opportunities for adventure. Those who, year in and year out, work at the same job, eat at the same restaurants, and take the same vacations are missing some sparkle in their lives. In contrast, parents who backpack or climb mountains with their children, take them to museums or parks, and who make up stories and games with them can share a sense of adventure with the whole family.

  Obviously, there is a potential for adventure in either choice. Ask yourself, “What kind of adventures would I enjoy more? Would parenting be an adventure or just a nightmare?”

  If you are planning to have children, ask yourself: “Am I willing to give up big
chunks of time, energy, and money that could be channeled into travel, triathlons, or rock climbing? Am I willing to plan ahead, arrange child care, and pinch pennies in order to seek adventure with our family?”

  If you are childfree, how will you use your time and freedom to add variety and spice to your life?

  Risk

  It takes courage to bring a child into this world when there are so many unknowns. And it also takes remarkable courage to remain childfree in spite of outside pressures. Either choice can represent a step forward toward growth or a step backward toward safety, and only you can figure out how this applies to you. As with the adventure question, you have to ask yourself, “Which risks do I want to take? Which ones will help me become more of the person I want to be?” (see “Safety or Growth” in the Introduction.)

  Spontaneity

  Spontaneity, doing what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it, is an important element in everyone’s life, but it should not enter into the baby decision itself. You can’t just throw out the pills or walk into the vasectomy clinic because it feels right at the moment. Remember, you’ll have to live with that split-second choice for a lifetime.

  Being a parent fosters spontaneity in some ways and squelches it in others. Children’s silliness and their ability to live in the present sometimes allow parents to revel in their own childlike qualities and to focus on the present. But in other areas of their lives, parents lose a great deal of spontaneity. Their sex life (is there privacy available?), their social life (is there a baby-sitter available?), and their mobility (are schools and playmates and child care available?) require careful planning.

  Obviously, the childfree choice offers a greater potential for spontaneity. A childfree couple craving sushi can head immediately to the restaurant around the corner without having to call the babysitter. You can make love on the living room rug without having to worry about being found there by a child. While there is no inherent downside to the spontaneity of the childfree life, many childfree people also value structure, repetition, and commitment in some aspects of their lives, such as their careers, volunteer work, and the security of their love relationship. So for most people, regardless of parenting status, a good life includes both spontaneity and structure.