The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  Everyone needs a family. In fact, part of our need for intimacy is a need for the warmth and closeness that the old-fashioned extended family sometimes offered. “Two against the world” is a great theme for love songs and soap operas, but it’s not enough for most of us. No matter how wonderful your partner may be, he or she can’t possibly meet all your needs. And even if he or she could, how would you ever cope with widowhood or divorce?

  We need to feel connected to others, to know that there is more than one phone number to dial when we’re depressed, more than one kitchen that’s always open for tea and sympathy. This is one of the reasons why so many people mourn the loss of the old-fashioned extended family, all those aunts, uncles, and cousins living close by. Today, our high divorce rate and our penchant for mobility make it unlikely that many of us will have that kind of extended family—at least one that’s related to us by blood.

  But we can form our own families, as Nick and Lilly did. Many couples feel that these “chosen” families meet their need for a sense of community better than their own blood relatives ever could. In fact, in our nostalgic longings, we often forget the petty bickering, the feuds, or even cruelty we had to put up with in our “blood” families. The point is, you can have an extended family whether you’re a parent or not. And even if you are a parent, you may be estranged from your biological family and choose your own.

  Jane Howard is a single woman who belongs to a number of chosen families. In her ground-breaking book, Families, she describes several “found” families. According to Howard, ties are very strong in families that come together because they care about each other rather than because they are forced together by accidents of birth.

  What are the requirements of a strong family bond regardless of the nature of the tie?

  Involvement. A feeling of commitment; a feeling that “these are my people through thick and thin.”

  Continuity. An expectation that you will see them on a regular basis, over time.

  A crossing of generational boundaries. Having your own child or seeing your own parents may be about as appealing as a fingernail scratching across a blackboard. But to feel comfortable about your past as a child and your future as an older person, it helps to spend time with people under twenty and over fifty.

  Maintenance. A willingness to build relationships through entertaining, sending messages, making video calls, and sending gifts. You have to give as well as take to keep a family going.

  Flexibility. An ability to coddle when someone needs compassion, and to stand back when someone needs independence.

  Coordination. Every family needs a person who, in Ms. Howard’s words, is a “switchboard operator,” someone to keep track of family members’ activities and whereabouts.

  A “found” family network is not for childfree couples only. Even if you choose to have a child, you’ll want an extended family with whom you can share both the joys and the burdens of the children.

  Think about your current extended family. Is it a blood family, “found” family, or a combination of the two? How would your relationship to it be affected by parenthood? By a definite commitment to the childfree choice? Would a child mean more or less contact and harmony with this family?

  If you are still close to your own family, are you prepared for changes in all family relationships after you have a child? Your parents may view your decision as a sign to let out the reins: now that you’re a parent, you’re no longer their baby and can do what you want. Or they may decide to pull in the reins: now that you’re a parent you need to be told how to take care of your child, a service they, as experts, can provide, or think they can provide, even if they were bad parents.

  Childfree couples, on the other hand, tend to worry that without children to form a nuclear family of their own, their connections to others will fray over time. The question that haunts them is: “When I’m old, will I be all alone?” But there is no justification for having a child as protection against the loneliness of old age. Although many people do receive help and comfort from their adult children, many others don’t. If you are worried about old age but not interested in parenthood, use your energies to prepare for the future. Invest the money you would have spent on your children to build a nest egg for your retirement. Find a large circle of friends and meaningful activities. Social workers who specialize in geriatric case management and workshops on aging can be helpful. Consulting experts on financial planning and advanced directives are essential.

  Take a few minutes to consider these building blocks to happiness we’ve discussed in this chapter. For each, put a “C” if you think that remaining childfree would be your best way to experience that factor of happiness. Put a “P” if you think parenting would best connect you with that item. Use a question mark if it’s a toss-up. You can use your list for conversations with your partner or a friend.

  Now that you have looked at personal factors of happiness, it’s time to look at marital happiness.

  Happiness and Marriage

  Is there any truth to the increasingly popular claim that lullabies are death knells to a perfectly good marriage? I do not think so. I view this as a pendulum swing. We’ve gone from the old myth that children save bad marriages to the new myth that they ruin good ones. If your marriage is good; if you both want a child; if the child is planned; if you and your partner discuss the potential problems and stress both before and after the birth; if you make time for each other, then your relationship will not suffer. Of course, that’s a lot of “if’s.” But there are plenty of “if’s” in any marriage, whether children are present or not.

  If you both long for a child, you may feel closer than ever after the baby’s birth. Moreover, discovering how well you cooperate on late-night feedings, spelling each other during crying jags, supporting each other through blue periods, and coordinating child care can make you both realize how strong your relationship really is.

  There is no doubt that the early years of parenthood are very stressful. Nor is there any doubt that people who are unwilling to endure those stresses would be happier and more productive if they remained childfree. But if you both want a child, you can feel more confident in the strength of your marriage.

  However, if the strength of your marriage is based on the creation of your own little private world of two, a child would be a problem. In many relationships, one partner is dependent on the other, and he or she may feel very threatened by the prospect of a child. If either you or your mate is fairly dependent:

  Don’t have a child. It would be a mistake for you as individuals and as a couple.

  Try to work on the dependency issue. Consider the following possibilities: (a) Individual counseling for the dependent partner to help him or her recognize and overcome whatever is blocking growth. (b) Marital therapy to work on the changes required for the dependent partner to grow. The non-dependent, nurturing partner may have a “need to be needed.” If so, he or she may need help adjusting to the partner’s increasing independence.

  You are the only one who can judge what effect a baby may have on your marriage. Some people argue that the skills called for in a good marriage are totally different from those in parent-child relationships. I disagree. Here are the skills that are essential to both:

  The ability to be physically affectionate.

  The ability to communicate, including intimate sharing, listening, and problem-solving.

  The ability to make a commitment despite the risks involved.

  The ability to accept the other’s uniqueness rather than treating that person as an object or extension of yourself.

  The ability to be flexible, make compromises, and adapt to the other’s need.

  The ability to give and to find pleasure in giving.

  Marriage and parenthood differ not so much in skills required but in the choice of beneficiary.

  What the Experts Say About Happiness

  Research studies can’t tell you whether or not you will be happier as a
parent or a nonparent, but they can tell you a thing or two about the happiness of other parents and non-parents:

  Nonparents are at least as mentally healthy as parents.

  Childfree marriages are at least as happy as marriages that produce children.

  People are most dissatisfied with their marriages during the years they’re raising children. Marriages are most successful prior to the birth of the first child and after the youngest leaves home, and they are most troubled when there are very young children in the home.

  Even though married people with young children are less happy and more stressed than married, childfree persons, the differences are not considered statistically significant. Married people with young children are much happier than single people and much more similar in their happiness to childfree couples than they are to single persons.

  Despite the stress children put on marriage, one nationwide study reported that many more parents felt that their children had brought them closer together rather than pulling them apart.

  Marriages are happier when a couple has successfully controlled fertility; that is, a couple who either has no children or no more than the number they wanted. Couples who conceive accidentally are not nearly as happy. (The references for this research can be found in the Bibliography under the names Angus Campbell and Harold Feldman in the Relationships section.)

  For a summary of several recent studies on the topic of happiness and parenting status, see All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior. See also “Parenthood and Happiness: It’s More Complicated Than You Think” by Kim Parker (full references are in the “Relationships” section of the Bibliography).

  Although there are many different ways to interpret these studies one clear statement can be made: No couple should have a child unless both really want one. There is no justification for claims that children are essential for happy lives or happy marriages. A person deciding to remain childfree is not condemning himself or herself to a lower quality of life, a bad marriage, or poor mental health.

  Research is not a crystal ball. However, it is useful for:

  Shaking up old assumptions like “marriages with children are happier.”

  Justifying a new lifestyle: “See, childfree people are mentally healthy after all.”

  Suggesting new angles that you may not have considered. “Maybe social pressures have influenced us more than we realized.”

  But research should never be taken as gospel simply because no scientist is infallible, least of all the social scientist. All data are influenced by the questions scientists choose to ask and by the way they ask them. Moreover, both researchers and their respondents are influenced by current social myths. So when you read a study, consider these guidelines:

  1.Who did the study? How might the researcher’s professional affiliations or personal beliefs affect both the questions and the answers?

  2.How did the author come to his or her conclusions?

  3.Do the parents and the childfree couples fall into the same socioeconomic group so that meaningful comparisons can be made?

  4.How do the researchers define “childfree”? Many studies are difficult to interpret because they lump together childfree persons who are merely delaying parenthood, would-be parents who are infertile, and couples who definitely plan to remain childfree.

  5.How does this study apply to me and my partner? In what ways are we like the people in the study? How are we different?

  Get more information. You may be able to contact the researcher through his or her university to get a link to the original article or research report or references to books or journal articles. Even if you don’t have a strong social science background, you may be able to get more out of the original journal article than you could in a summary found in a newspaper article or pamphlet.

  If you and your partner have a good relationship and you’re both positive about having children, don’t let the research discourage you. Because you value children, you’ll be able to deal with the stress. And if you don’t want children, take heart in the fact that most studies indicate you’ll be at least as happy as parents are, if not happier.

  In the healthy confrontation neither person loses sight of the fact that each is seeking to express the truth and find a meaningful way to live. In a true confrontation, the persons always remain persons. And because there is awareness and knowledge and sensitivity, the argument, the face-to-face struggle, follows its natural course and opens new pathways of relatedness.

  —Clark Moustakas, Creative Life

  Probably the hardest decisions of all are the ones made by couples in which one person wants a child and the other does not. Although many marital conflicts can be resolved through compromise, there is no such thing as half a baby.

  Even couples who are in the habit of listening to each other may turn a deaf ear during baby conversations. It’s hard to accept someone else’s needs if they clash so brutally with your own. You may find yourself saying or hearing, “How could you do this to me?” or “If you really loved me, you would do what I ask.”

  In his book, I and Thou, existentialist theologian Martin Buber describes two kinds of relationships, the I-thou relationship and the I-it relationship. In the former, a person talks with respect and listens with understanding. In the latter, a person relates to the other as he would to an inanimate object—ignoring the other person’s needs while pushing to get his own way. While a good marriage is, by definition, an I-thou relationship, a marriage full of I-it interaction tends to result in unhappiness, if not divorce.

  But even happily married couples can slide unknowingly into an I-it relationship when considering the baby dilemma. This can happen for two reasons. First, most couples aren’t accustomed to such major conflict since people generally marry someone whose needs coincide or at least do not conflict with theirs. But the baby decision can divide otherwise compatible couples. When they said “I do” to marriage, they may have also said “I do” or “I don’t” to children, only to change their minds a few years later. Second, the stakes are high either way, and accepting your partner’s choice may seem like an invitation to disaster. People feel much too strongly about the decision to be able to compromise. Even in an excellent relationship, your partner may suddenly seem like an ominous barrier between you and your goal. This may feel extremely lonely, especially if you are used to feeling close.

  What generally happens when a couple disagrees? There are four possible outcomes:

  1. They postpone the decision until agreement is reached at a later date.

  2. The ambivalent partner agrees to the choice of the partner who feels more strongly.

  3. One partner twists the other’s arm.

  4. The partner who feels more strongly about the issue resorts to devious tactics to push for his or her choice. This is similar to arm-twisting, but the methods used may be subtler.

  Obviously, the first possibility has the least potential for harming the relationship, as long as the postponement period is mutually agreed upon and as long as the couple set a definite date for re-evaluation. Postponement gives both partners a chance to think over the issue privately and in a less tense atmosphere. Often, they are more willing to negotiate and compromise the second time around. Remembering their earlier battle can motivate both to find a better way this time.

  The second solution can be a good one if the ambivalent partner is genuinely ambivalent and can swing either way. In such a case, he or she generally would be able to find either choice satisfying. However, ambivalence sometimes may mean that one partner simply hasn’t had the time or the chance to make his or her own decision. Sensing this, the other partner may play on this perceived weakness by pushing for his own choice and making it difficult for the other to come to a personal decision.

  For example, Frances definitely doesn’t want a child. Mark, her husband, makes faint murmurs from time to time about wanting one, but says, “There’s no point in asking myself what I want, since it’s obvio
us I’m not going to get it.” Whenever the baby issue is brought up, Frances’s usual habit of good listening flies right out the window. She says she wants Mark to deal with the decision, but whenever he starts to talk about it, she finds a way to stop him. No sooner does he open his mouth to say that he might like a child than Frances cuts him off with five reasons why he doesn’t really want one.

  A loving, empathic person suddenly becomes so insensitive and inconsiderate because she feels guilty about depriving her husband of children. And to deal with her guilt, she tries to convince herself that she knows what he wants better than he does. She is probably right in her assertion that he would have to give up a lot of things he likes if he had a child. And if he did an emotional tally of all the pros and cons, perhaps he, too, would choose to be childfree.

  The moral of the story: if you want to resolve the issue, involve your partner. Resolve to listen carefully and silently while he or she is talking. Give feedback to show that you understand. Remember that expressing feelings about the situation, empathizing with your partner’s feelings, and deciding what to do about the feelings are three separate processes.

  Why is it so important for Mark to make his own decision even though he knows they won’t wind up having a child? Because coming to terms with the decision gives him a basis for a more committed and meaningful life. If he decides he wants a child, he can set about finding other ways to meet this desire. As the Turkish proverb says, “He that conceals his grief can find no remedy for it.” And if he decides that he doesn’t want a child after all, he can think about what major life commitments would give him the greatest satisfaction. He will be ready to make these commitments once he has come to terms with the decision not to parent, and he won’t be able to accuse Frances of twisting his arm, thereby playing on her guilt or holding her responsible for his unhappiness.