The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  Other only children don’t demand attention, but they get it anyway. As one described it: “I think about my folks as Mama and Papa bird—each perched on one of my shoulders.” As the parent of an only child, you do have to be careful not to smother or overprotect the child, or make him the repository of all your dreams and hopes. All children need independence, need to make their own decisions and dream their own dreams. If you give your only child these gifts, rest assured he will thrive.

  Deciding to Have a Second Child

  Couples who make the first baby decision carefully often become careless about a second (or third). They assume that since one child has been fun, two children will be twice the fun. Although you can’t be sure that your pleasure will be doubled, you can assume that your workload will at least feel as if it has been tripled. According to some parents, one plus one equals 200 percent more stress. So think twice before you decide on two, and read the preceding section to make sure you’re not falling prey to only-child myths.

  The only good reason for a second child is a strong desire for one. And even then, you have to ask yourself:

  Can we afford another child financially and psychologically?

  Can the world’s population accept another contribution from this family?

  Are we willing to be much more tied down than we already are?

  What do we want from the next child that our first child can’t give us? Are our expectations likely to be met by a second child?

  As you work on your second baby decision, make sure you’re not considering another child for any of the following reasons:

  Your first child is becoming too grown up and independent, and you want someone you can cuddle and hang onto.

  You need a change in your life, a new meaning.

  You’re tired of being pressured to have another child, and it seems easier to give in.

  You believe the myths about only children. You think you have to give Sean a little sister.

  You want a child of the opposite sex.

  If this last reason hits home, consider why it is so important to you. If you’re the mother of a boy, do you want a girl so she can become the kind of woman you always wanted to be? If you’re the father of a girl, do you feel a son will somehow validate your masculinity? There are many hidden agendas involved in a desire for a child of the opposite sex. If you would simply enjoy a child of the opposite sex, is there an already existing boy or girl with whom you could develop a special relationship instead? For instance, if you love little girls’ dresses, could you shop for your niece? If you want a boy, could you coach a boys’ sports team?

  And what will you do if the child turns out to be the “wrong” sex? Try again? And again? There must be a better way!

  Considering a Third Child

  Jocelyn is a happily married mother of three-year-old twins and has a part-time job as a mental health professional. She and her husband Matt, who is very involved in the children’s care, live in a comfortable house outside Boston. They have been talking about a third child with a mixture of attraction and fear. What if a new baby wasn’t as easy as the twins? Can their income stretch enough? Might they be overwhelmed? At the same time, Matt, who comes from a large family, has fond memories of growing up. Jocelyn, even though blessed with an easy, uneventful twin pregnancy, longs for a chance to have just one newborn with whom to cherish a quiet intimacy.

  Jocelyn and her husband Matt are lucky. They earn good incomes; their children are relatively easy. Both of their mothers live nearby, and her mother-in-law is the children’s nanny. While they may be the envy of cash-strapped couples who can’t even imagine the costs of child care and college tuition for a third child, the decision is still scary.

  Parents of three children comment that the addition of the third child means that a larger proportion of family time will be spent at home than when there were only two children. You might want to think about how much you like hanging out at home while considering a third child. Does this vision seem ideal to you, or might it give you trepidations of cabin fever?

  The “Don’t Confuse Me with the Facts” Game

  Let’s take a look at what can happen if you don’t make your second child decision carefully.

  Alina and Jake have started trying for a second pregnancy, without anticipating any potential problems. They have always cherished dreams of a family of four in a big white house in the country. Their reality is very different: not four children but one, a toddler named Chrissy, and not a large house in the country, but a small apartment in the city. There isn’t enough money for more children or more space. Jake is a paraprofessional counselor with high job satisfaction but low pay. Alina is home with Chrissy full-time. The couple vaguely considers finances but dismisses the question with platitudes such as, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” That’s a great slogan but it doesn’t change their bank balance.

  The purpose of the game: to avoid looking at the realities that would lead to a decision to forgo or at least delay child number two.

  The payoff: getting child number two.

  The price: Jake and Alina are going to be pinched tighter than ever before. And they’ll feel like kicking themselves for their impracticality. They may even find that Alina has to work, instead of raising Chrissy full-time, a goal the couple has felt strongly about. She might have to bring two children to day care instead of being home with one.

  The counter game: Alina and Jake should sit down and go over their budget. They should ask themselves how and when another child might fit in. They might:

  Seriously question why it’s so important to have another child, and ask themselves how they might otherwise fill the need. For instance, if they want companions for Chrissy, she and Alina might join a play group. Or Alina could become a day care mother.

  Consider ways to boost their income. Jake could look for a higher paying job. Alina might consider supplementing their income with freelance or part-time work.

  By being willing to talk about the issue, this couple won’t just fall into a sea of second child distress. They will either make their peace with being a one-child family, or they will address the above issues before having a child. By being proactive, they will enjoy their family life regardless of the choice they make.

  The moral of this story: be honest and realistic about your ability to cope with a second child both financially and emotionally. If you can, that’s great. But if you can’t, find a way to have a good life with the child you already have. Take the time to grieve the fantasized second child you will never know. You may want to write a letter or have a good-bye ritual.

  Read about and seek out other one-child families. Now that we have exploded the myths, you can be confident that you will enjoy your family life. It will certainly help that this family form is becoming more common, due to finances, later parenthood and infertility, and more couples choosing to stop at one for better work/family balance.

  If you are going to have another child, plan ahead for the financial, psychological, and emotional changes for everyone in the household. Take a refresher adoption or childbirth class, preferably with your partner if you have one. Expect the first several weeks to be chaotic, and ask for the help you need from each other, family and friends. Find out from friends, your pediatrician and reading how to prepare your first child for a sibling. Ask your librarian for picture books on the topic, such as No One Asked Me if I Wanted a Baby Sister by Martha Alexander.

  Gay Parenting

  The legalization of gay marriage, in addition to being a cause for great celebration in and of itself, also bodes well for wider acceptance of gay parenthood. An important shift in the world at large has been to see that gays have wanted to marry not to destroy marriage but to respect it by participating in it and committing to the same sort of loving, long-term committed relationships that straight people have enjoyed. It is a logical extension of this concept that gay people who choose to have children are likewise honoring and respecting the w
ider meaning of family.

  Despite the advances of gay rights, including marriage, homophobia has not yet been erased, and concerns about hostility or disapproval of gay parenting may give you pause. My gay clients often say something similar to Liz, a thirty-seven-year-old who is considering adopting a Guatemalan child with her partner: “I managed to survive coming out despite prejudice and the snail’s pace at which my family accepted me. But now Elli and I wonder, what discrimination might our child have to face, without the adult coping skills and support groups that helped us?”

  Kevin McGarry, who adopted a daughter with his partner, offers inspiration in his book, Fatherhood for Gay Men: “. . . we concluded that we could not let the bigotry of others determine the shape of our family and lives. There remains a lot of hatred for gay people, but we realized that if we let the hatred stop us from adopting, then the hate would have won, and that was unacceptable to us.”

  In The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook, April Martin also offers encouraging thoughts on the acceptance of gay families:

  People’s worst fears—that our children will be harmed by teasing, shaming or social ostracism for coming from a gay family—do not seem to be coming to pass. On the contrary, the pride we feel in our families gives our children the tools to deal with prejudice. As in any family that contains a member of an oppressed minority, our children learn to understand the problems of ignorance and bias. Depending on where they live and who they are, they make decisions about whom to tell and whom not to tell. In general, our children only rarely encounter any significant homophobic treatment. In instances when they do, they are prepared to handle it.

  Martin also points out that how gay parents talk to others can lead to respect: “When we speak about our families without hesitation, with a cheerful, confident attitude that presumes we will be respected and liked, we make it almost impossible for other people to respond negatively.”

  It is also important to recognize that some LGBT persons don’t care to marry even if they are in a committed relationship nor do they consider parenthood attractive. They say that these institutions, generally embraced by straight society, are confining and detract from the freedom and alternative ways of living that being gay has afforded.

  Some lesbians find that becoming mothers brings them closer to their mothers. Casandra McIntyre writes about this in her essay “Two Ubermoms Are Better Than One,” in Confessions of the Other Mother.

  That Amy and I each gave birth made us feel more like a legitimate family to our respective parents. . . . It was something that made sense to both our moms. And it gave each of them a role in our lives that they were comfortable with: grandmother.

  An important consideration for family continuity is to formally adopt your child if she is biologically related to your partner but not to you. (see Bibliography and Resources.)

  What’s on your mind as you think about becoming a parent? Did you and your partner talk about a family when you first met, or is this something that has come up more recently? If you both are interested in parenting, then you can get right down to the logistics: pregnancy if you are lesbians, surrogacy or co-parenting with a friend if you are a gay couple, or adoption. You will find guidance in the checklist below as well as the Bibliography and Resources in this book.

  If, however, one of you wants a child and the other does not, or if one of you is very certain and the other has a lot of questions, give yourselves time to sort this out. You can do the exercise in Chapter 2, “Secret Doors.” You should do them individually so you won’t be unduly influenced by your partner’s responses. If after time and reflection, you find you are disagreeing on whether to have a child follow some of the suggestions in Chapter 6, “Tug-of-War.”

  Checklist for Gay Couples Who May Become Parents

  Whom can we count on for support?

  Whom can we talk to in our social circle?

  What are the pros and cons of this decision for each of us as individuals, and for us as a couple?

  How can we find out how gay parents deal with schools and communities to promote both understanding and our child’s and family’s wellbeing?

  Are we disagreeing about whether or when to have a child? How can we resolve this through conversations or counseling?

  Do we prefer pregnancy or adoption? If we are a male couple, do we want to consider a surrogate pregnancy with a donated egg? Have we considered a co-parenting pregnancy with a female friend?

  If we are a female couple, have we decided which of us will carry the child?

  Do we both want to be biological parents? If so, do we want more than one child? If so, how do we determine who goes first? Is one of us more eager than the other to be a biological parent?

  If we are lesbians who both hope to experience pregnancy, do we want the older person to go first because she might be less fertile later, or do we want the younger or more fertile person to go first? (if we have this medical knowledge)? Based on age, health, career development, and other family obligations such as a frail parent, who should go first?

  If you are gay but don’t have a partner, you may find the Single Parenting section of this book useful as well.

  Single Parenting

  Did you assume that by the time your reached your current age that you would be married and have a child? You are not alone. Many women who have chosen to have a child on their own have done so when they realized that “It’s now or never for motherhood.” They realized that their biological clock might run out before they found an ideal partner to be their child’s parent. Although they typically have had a rougher time than two-parent families, most are glad they made the choice.

  In this context, the phrase “Single Mothers by Choice,” for almost everyone I’ve worked with in this circumstance is inaccurate; it would be more accurate to say “Single Mothers by Second Choice.” This phrase would more appropriately recognize the efforts they have made to find a partner even though it doesn’t fully recognize the current power and joy of the families created.

  When I was clinical director of RESOLVE, one of my duties was managing a national telephone hotline for women with fertility problems. I frequently heard an anxious voice over the line. “Please can you help me? I don’t know if I have a fertility problem, but I’m single and want to do donor insemination. I have been curtly turned away by one practice that does D.I. in my small city. Can you refer me to someone who will work with me?” It was clear to me that these women felt as desperate and distressed as our fertility patients. Since this problem didn’t meet the mandate of our organization, I was not able to offer help as a RESOLVE employee other than to suggest other donor insemination referrals. The national organization, Single Mothers by Choice did not yet exist. Seeing a great need, I knew I needed to help.

  I began leading adult education workshops on single motherhood, did some research on supportive doctors, and set up a monthly support group, Boston Single Mothers by Choice, to have monthly potluck dinners and share resources for decisions, pregnancy, and adoption, and parenting. I’m happy to say the group still exists, and members who have already raised their children sometimes mentor younger women in the decision-making process.

  I was disappointed that most of my mental health colleagues were not enthusiastic about my efforts. “What you will find are women who are highly anxious, moody, and describe their lives as empty. They are looking to a child to care for their needs and will not be able to nurture their children.”

  In the thirty-three years that I have worked with hundreds of single mothers, I have found the women described above to be a tiny minority. I have met courageous, successful, pro-active women who have the maturity, the finances, and the motivation to devote themselves to a child and be excellent mothers. These women may not be in ongoing, committed relationships, but they have healthy, emotionally close relationships with family and friends. I am so grateful to have worked with these women in Boston and learned from them some of what you will learn in this book.
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br />   I am also glad to say that my colleagues, after observing so many healthy single women and their babies thrive now sometimes bring up the idea even before their clients do! And of course, some mental health professionals themselves are single mothers by choice and serve as role models.

  Now let’s look at ways to help you figure out if you, too, would like to be a single parent. Let’s start by taking stock of your current thoughts.

  List of Possible Decisions for Single People Considering Parenthood

  1.I want to be a single parent although I hope later on to meet a partner who can help me raise my child.

  2.I want to be a single parent and put relationships on the back burner

  3.I’m between twenty-nine and thirty-five, so I’d like to see if I can meet a partner. If I can’t I’ll consider doing this on my own down the road. (You may find peace of mind by having this option.)

  4.I’ve decided to pursue parenthood. I need to decide among pregnancy, surrogacy, and adoption.

  Another Possibility/ The Reframe

  Have you ever considered that having a baby or finding a partner might not be your best response to your “What Next? Is this all there is?” question.

  Some people are choosing to make life more meaningful not by having a baby, but by focusing less, if at all, on finding a partner, and focusing more on what a single, passionate life could yield in meaningful work, friendship, and whole-hearted commitments. In Kate Bolick’s Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own and Rebecca Traister’s All the Single Ladies, you will find fascinating reading and interesting role models.