The Baby Decision

by Merle Bombardieri

  However, there are a few disadvantages.

  If an in-home caretaker quits or gets sick, you may be stuck at home for a while. It’s not always easy to make new arrangements right away, and it is a good idea to have a contingency plan if you choose this type of care. If you use a nanny agency, they may be able to provide another caretaker quickly.

  Additionally, a nanny may be expensive.

  You may also experience a lack of privacy, despite the convenience, if she lives with you.

  Turnover is another problem. Many foreign nannies are enthusiastic and reliable, but they often stay only a year, so you and your child have to grieve the loss of a quasi-family member and get adjusted to and try to bond with someone new. This situation may repeat itself, year after year.

  Guidelines for Evaluating Your Child Care Choices

  1. Make a joint decision if you have a partner. Visit centers or conduct in-home interviews together. Discuss your reactions to people and places visited and the pros and cons of various possibilities. Brainstorm other possibilities. If you don’t have a partner, use friends, relatives, or a mothers’ group as your sounding board.

  2. Trust your feelings. Give them more weight than any objective considerations. Strong positive feelings about a person are better indicators than any intellectual assessment. The reverse is also true. If you seem to have every reason to like a person, but you have an uneasy feeling in your stomach nonetheless, trust your gut. Back off and try somebody else. You don’t have to be best friends with your child’s caretaker, but if she doesn’t show you any warmth, she probably won’t have much for your child, either.

  3. Observe the children already in the day care home or center. In a day care center, are the children moderately noisy and rambunctious? Is the place neither bedlam nor monastery but rather a happy medium? Do the children look happy? In a day care home, do the day care children and the day care parent’s own children seem happy? Are they relaxed and engaged in play and interactions with other children?

  4. Analyze the environment from the standpoint of the child’s needs. Is it safe? Is it clean? Is it attractive and interesting? Are the facilities adequate? Would you be happy spending time there if you were a child? Are licenses and certifications up to date?

  5. Bring your child with you. How do the child and the prospective caretaker interact? Is the caretaker relaxed and warm, unnaturally cheery, or chillingly distant? Bear in mind that your child may cry because the person is a stranger and might be quite happy with her once she gets to know her. Crying doesn’t necessarily bode ill. In fact, crying can be a useful opportunity to see how the caretaker handles your baby’s crying or discomfort. Does she know how to soothe? Does she take it in stride? Does she seem to treat the baby with respect? If you are visiting day care facilities before the baby’s birth, watch how the caretaker interacts with the children, especially any babies.

  6. How flexible is the caretaker? Does she seem willing to accept and carry out your wishes for the child’s care? Is it easy to talk to her about this? If you and she have different attitudes about child-rearing, will she be adaptable enough to accept your views?

  7. Discuss fees and hours in advance. Will you pay by the hour, the day, or the week? When are you expected to pay, and what forms of pay are accepted? If you’re fifteen minutes late, will you have to pay extra? Will you pay for holidays, for days your baby is home sick with you?

  8. Ask for references and follow up on them. Ask references what they like or don’t like about this person or center. If they are no longer using this particular placement, find out why. It may be that they moved or that their child outgrew the need for the placement. But it’s also possible that the placement was less than ideal, and you’ll want to investigate this. You may wonder if you should bother with calling since the caretaker would only give you references she assumes will say good things. Nevertheless, you may garner information from the references by their tone of voice, their pausing before answering a question, or their seeming to choose their words carefully.

  9. Talk to more than one person or center before making your final decision. If you meet a center director initially, be sure to meet the person who would actually care for your child. It helps to have a choice, and comparing two resources may give you insight into both possibilities. Be sure to write notes immediately after each visit so thoughts and impressions will be fresh in your mind. This is especially crucial if you visit two centers or interview two people on the same day.

  10. Once it’s time to start, try to ease the child in gradually. Spend an hour or two the first day, a few hours the second, and so on. It will give all three of you—baby, mother, and caretaker a chance to make a smooth transition.

  11. Don’t hesitate to start out on a trial basis. See how it goes. If you’re not satisfied, talk to the caretaker about your concerns. How does she respond? Is she defensive or does she listen and consider making changes? Don’t settle for second best because you can’t bear the thought of making new arrangements, or because you’re convinced you won’t find anything better. If you’re not comfortable, your child probably won’t be comfortable either.

  12. Be creative. Have you considered all the possibilities? If you’ve heard of a good day care home or center that’s full, get on the waiting list and ask the mother or director to refer you elsewhere. Would a stay-at-home relative, friend, or neighbor be willing to care for your child? Could you and your partner stagger your schedules so that hired day care wouldn’t be necessary or so that a responsible high school or college student could take care of the baby for just a few hours? These resources may also be useful as a backup if regular arrangements fall through.

  13. Don’t assume that the arrangement that satisfies a friend will satisfy you. Because you and your child are unique, a placement that’s perfect for your friend’s child may be less than ideal for yours.

  14. Don’t allow yourself to be so discouraged by a waiting list that you don’t even bother to put your child’s name on it. When an opening does occur, a center may find that many children on the list are now in other placements. What sounds like an impossible wait could actually be shorter than you think. Check mothers’ listservs and community message boards and network with friends to find out if any new facilities are opening. Children’s librarians are another source.

  15. Keep in mind that the child’s needs change as he gets older. Every child needs a mixture of nurturance and stimulation, but infants and toddlers need nurturance most of all since they get reasonable amounts of stimulation as they’re held, cuddled, rocked, changed, and sung to. Older children, on the other hand, have more complicated needs, and require a wider variety of activities. They still need a nurturing caregiver, but their needs for intellectual stimulation and interaction increase. After all, they’ll get plenty of hugs at home. For this reason, as your child’s needs change, a switch from a day care home to a day care center may be beneficial.

  16. Start exploring possibilities while pregnant or even before. You’ll have more time and feel less pressured. And you may be able to put your name on a waiting list for a popular program, such as a university-run infant center. Day care referral sources include:

  Online or brick-and-mortar child care resource center.

  A parenting hotline.

  A general community information and referral center.

  Word-of-mouth—ask other working parents for names.

  Local churches, synagogues, schools, and community centers.

  Family service agencies or mental health centers.

  A local day care center that doesn’t take babies but may refer parents to day care homes and, in some cases, supervises these homes.

  A nanny agency or a domestic employment agency.

  It may help to discuss your concerns with a professional. Child care referral workers and counselors in family service agencies are likely to be sensitive to your needs, and can help you identify your needs, explore your concerns and help you wit
h arrangements.

  When you’re feeling frazzled about the day care situation, consider these less obvious benefits: arranging for day care can help you learn to conduct research, interview and assess people, make hiring decisions, and supervise. All of these skills will prove useful at work and may serve to increase your overall self-confidence.

  Although finding day care is often logistically and emotionally difficult, you will master this passage, and your child will benefit from the experience of playing with and learning from other adults and children.

  Congratulations. You mustered the courage to make a conscious decision rather than to drift into one. You read this book, did exercises, talked to your partner (or a friend, if single), maybe even argued and negotiated. You sorted out logic and emotions to arrive at your decision. You may have reaped other benefits: such as feeling closer to your partner or discovering values that you or your partner may never have fully expressed. These changes may have positive effects on your life, which may or may not relate to the baby decision.

  Let’s look at some ways to make the most out of your accomplishments and of the life you have chosen.

  1. Apply what you’ve learned about decision-making to other decisions. Be as critical, but not as cautious, about making other commitments. Because the consequences of most other major decisions are not as irrevocable, you cannot and should not spend as much time on every choice. But it is a good idea to ask yourself: Is this really best for me/us? Will we grow from this choice? Are we choosing safety over growth? Have we based the decision on an appropriate combination of logic and emotion? Have we considered all the practicalities? Does it feel right emotionally and make sense logistically?

  2. Build on the intimacy you’ve developed with your partner while making the baby decision. If you were able to maintain an I-thou relationship, giving each other respect and understanding, even during a tug-of-war, you have a good foundation for future decisions and conflicts. These are the building blocks for a good life together regardless of your choice

  3. Keep on taking risks. Your life will be more exciting and more rewarding. If you’ve chosen to be childfree, you’ve already faced the risks of your own regrets and others’ hostility. It should, therefore, be a little easier to take some of the other risks that your choice allows you—a career change, taking up painting, or even a mountain-climbing expedition.

  If you’re going to have a baby, the physical risks of childbirth and the emotional risks postpartum are obvious, but later risks may be less so. Children tie you down to some extent, and to combat this, you need to venture out, both literally, with and without the children, and psychologically, by exploring new ways of parenting. You can give your children a sense of curiosity and adventure not just when you travel but in everyday activities.

  4. Expect success. Now that you’ve made your choice, assume you’ll be happy with it. Close your eyes and visualize your future. Picture your joys and your accomplishments. Imagine yourself with your partner in old age, looking back on your life and agreeing that you made the right choice.

  5. “Steal” a little from the other choice. Consider what you’ll miss most by giving up the other choice, and plan ways to capture some of that. If you’re going to become a parent but crave exotic travel, plan ways to make that happen even if you have to wait a year or two. Give up some other less important activities if necessary. If you decide that you will interrupt a career that’s important to you, make plans for how you will stay involved in it, such as working part-time or attending professional meetings. If you’re going to remain childfree but want a warm relationship with a child, consider spending time with a friend’s child or a niece or nephew, or do volunteer work and be a Big Brother or Big Sister.

  Remember, as a childfree person, if you’re not interested in children, no one expects you to spend time with them! If you enjoy nurturing adults, you might mentor younger people at work. You and your partner can also nurture each other, for instance, a surprise weekend trip, flowers, a massage, or a favorite meal.

  6. Accept your ambivalence. Everyone wonders, “What would have happened if . . . ?” especially during rough times—a hectic day for a parent, a lonely one for a non-parent. We all have to sacrifice something in order to get something else. But like guilt, ambivalence only gets worse if you try to get rid of it. The decision-maker who can’t stand uncertainty is forever out of breath chasing unwanted thoughts away. So it’s important to accept that because you’re human, you’ll always have some regrets. Perhaps there can be some consolation in knowing that accepting ambivalence helps prepare you for other decisions and dilemmas.

  7. Spend time with people who have made the same decision. They can serve as role models and provide needed emotional support and suggest coping techniques. It helps if some of them are a few years ahead of you in living with their choice. If most of your friends have made the other choice, seek out new people.

  8. Spend time with people who have made the opposite choice. If you’ve really come to terms with your decision, you should not feel threatened by spending time with them. Try to respect your friends and their right to choose differently. Even though your friendships may be based on certain shared attitudes and beliefs, try to recognize and appreciate the differences, too. It can be refreshing and stimulating to learn about and share some of your friends’ experience.

  Your life will be enriched if you spend time with people who are different. Parents can offer childfree couples a sort of extended family and a chance to be with the kids without having to make huge sacrifices. They offer childfree friends who haven’t made a final decision a built-in laboratory for testing out feelings and reactions. Childfree couples can, if they want to, offer parents occasional relief from the burdens of child care, and some vicarious satisfaction through tales of their work and travel. While it is hard for new parents not sleeping through the night yet to get past envy, taking a grown-up attitude can actually allow you to enjoy these conversations. Such conversations can lead to mental notes about future travel, or an idea to put into practice when one goes back to work.

  Frequently, friends drift apart when one couple is having a baby and the other is not. In the first year, their plans to get together are often at odds. Childfree friends, for instance, would prefer to meet at an elegant restaurant while the baby stays home. Meanwhile the parents invite these friends to their home or meet at a family restaurant to save babysitting money and/or because they wrongly assume their friends want to hang out with the baby.

  Although the people involved typically complain, “We have nothing in common anymore,” the real reason might be that they have too much in common—unexpressed ambivalence. The prospective parents worry, “If they’re so much like us and they’re not going to have a baby, maybe we made a mistake.” The childfree couple worries, “If they’re so much like us and they’re enjoying the baby, maybe we’re wrong.” And so each couple calls the other a little less often, and a worthwhile friendship may dissolve or be unnecessarily strained.

  This phenomenon is by no means universal. Many people maintain close relationships with friends who made the opposite choice, unfailingly respecting and supporting their friends’ decision. They even enjoy knowing someone who can offer them a bird’s-eye view of a different existence. But for too many other couples, their own insecurity weakens their ties to friends who made the opposite decision.

  Work on this problem by discussing it openly with your friends. Take the first step by saying, “Let’s talk about our feelings. Let’s not drift apart. If we pick up signs of jealousy or disapproval in ourselves or each other, let’s talk about it. We’re both going to have regrets sometimes, and if we don’t share them, maybe we’ll stop sharing other things. And our relationship is too valuable to let that happen!”

  It’s true that some childfree couples can’t stand being around children. And it’s equally true that some parents feel that their childfree friends’ lives aren’t very meaningful. But such people ar
e in the minority. I believe that the doubts, rather than different interests or lifestyles, keep us away from those who chose the flip side of the baby decision.

  9. Don’t proselytize. Generally, the amount of time that people spend talking about the decision is in inverse proportion to their comfort with it. This is especially true for those who are trying to persuade everyone that their decision is best not only for them but also for everyone else as well.

  Do you tend to harp on your baby decision at social or family gatherings, telling everyone and anyone why your decision is the right one for everybody? If so, ask yourself, “Who am I really talking to? Am I trying to convince myself?”

  If the answer is yourself, then you may have more homework to do on your decision.

  If the answer is “the other person,” have you really considered this particular person’s needs and interests or are you just imposing your own? Even if you’re sincerely concerned about the other person’s happiness, can you be sure that you know what’s right for him or her? If you do feel that the person hasn’t considered all the issues, you can point them out tactfully and objectively. But don’t set yourself up as a judge.

  Should You Announce Your Decision?

  There is one advantage in telling the world: going public reinforces your decision. As people react, both positively and negatively, your commitment may solidify. You will feel bolstered by those who are enthusiastic, and you will gain more confidence in your choice when you come up with good answers for the people who criticize you or simply ignore them.

  The disadvantage of an announcement is that it can invite criticism that you may not yet be prepared to face. The solution: be selective about who you tell.

  If you’re planning a baby, you may want to wait until you’re pregnant before telling anybody. If you don’t conceive right away, you won’t have to put up with referrals to “just the right doctor” and the kind of unwanted advice that raises your anxiety level. Even when you’re pregnant, you might want to wait until the second trimester, when losses are less likely. Be especially cautious about telling people at work. You don’t want to be passed over for a promotion or a plum assignment because of this knowledge.