Childless by Choice (Veevers), 93, 290
child-rearing. See parenting
children
activities for, 246–247
adopting. See adoption
borrowing, 101–104
current attitude toward, 39–44
day care options, 261–269
decision to have multiple, 163–166
fathers’ involvement with, 259
fostering, 204–205
growth opportunities for parents, 240–242
only children. See only children
only children of single parents, finding support for, 173–175, 179–180
Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman’s Guide (Morrisette), 177, 303
“The Clock-Watcher: How Do You Know When—or if—You Should Have a Baby?” (Pikul), 284
cognitive dissonance, 82–83
community, sense of, 119–122, 226
compassion in stopping fertility treatments, 193
compromise, negotiation to, 138–141, 150–151
Conceivable Future, 15
Confessions of the Other Mother (Aizley), 168, 299
conflicting desires
addressing, 32–35, 70
between couples. See couple conflicts
conformity, 84–86
Conquering Infertility (Domar), 189, 300
counseling
in baby decision, 213–214
baby decision workshop, 215–216
choosing therapist for, 218–219
in couple conflicts, 144
couples counseling, 217–218
in divorce, 145
genetic. See genetic testing
individual therapy sessions, 216–217
resources for finding help, 219
See also support
countdown exercise, 49–50
couple actions in stopping fertility treatments, 194
couple conflicts, 129–132
bill of responsibilities to partner, 136–137
communication in, 136
divorce considerations, 144–146
games in, 132–136
growth from, 150–151
negotiation to compromise, 138–141, 150–151
questions to ask, 137–138
in second marriages, 147–149
“single” married parents, 141–144
when counseling is necessary, 144, 214
couple decision, baby decision as, 18–20
couples counseling, 217–218
couples exercises, 59–65
The Courage to Create (May), 13, 287
“courting divorce” game, 135–136
Creating a Family
adoption resources, 202, 207
fertility treatment affordability, 189
special needs adoption, 203–204
support during fertility treatments, 190
transracial adoption, 205
website, 185
creative immortality, 112
Creative Life (Moustakas), 129
D
daughters, wishing for, 44
Daum, Meghan, 228, 289
Davenport, Dawn, 190
day care, 261–269
day care centers, 264
evaluating options, 265–269
feelings about, 261–263
home-based day care, 263–264
nannies, 264–265
day care centers, 264
decision-making
applying lessons from, 270
bill of responsibilities to partner, 136–137
bill of rights, 12
defined, 8
happiness in. See happiness
safety versus growth decisions, 8–12
styles of, 60–61
See also baby decision
deficiency motivation, 8
delayed parenthood
advantages, 152–153
disadvantages, 153–154
medical concerns, 154
minimizing problems of, 156–157
motherhood over 35, concerns about, 154–155
reasons for, 158
talking with family about, 159
too old to parent? 155–156
Delphic oracle, 13
dental health, 314
dependency in marriage, 123–124
desensitization, 85
devil’s advocate explanation technique (response to outside pressure), 91
diagnosis of fertility problems, 188
diary exercise, 54–55, 211
disagreements. See conflicting desires; couple conflicts
divorce
baby decision and, 48
in couple conflicts, 135–136, 144–146
single parenting by, 177
dodging technique (response to outside pressure), 86
Domar, Ali, 189, 300
domestic adoption, 201–202
donor insemination, single parenting and, 182–183
“don’t confuse me with the facts” game (second child decisions), 165–166
doubts about decision, overcoming, 212–213
dream child exercise, 40–41
dream power exercise, 55
dreaming
messages from, 55
about monsters, 42–44
dreams/goals
addressing, 31–32
happiness and, 113–116
drifting apart from friends, 272–273
E
early-stage fertility problems, 185
earth mothers, 247
emergency circumstances, baby decision in, 22–24, 47–48
energy needed for parenting, 155–156
epigenetics, 313–314
epitaph exercise, 44–45
Erikson, Erik, 229
Escape from Freedom (Fromm), 117, 286
evaluation
of day care options, 265–269
of fertility problems, 188
of weekly schedule, 49–50
exercise for older parents, 156
exercises
“Are You the Person I Married?” 61–62
bad news, 48
chair dialogue, 32–35, 70, 196, 211, 212, 256
checklist: are you ready for parenthood? 64–65
countdown, 49–50
couples exercises, 59–65
diary, 54–55, 211
dream child, 40–41
dream power, 55
epitaph, 44–45
family sculpture, 63–64
fifty-fifty, 62
homework assignment, 57–58
how to use, 13–14
interiors, 58–59
knapsack, 45–47
life cycle, 50–51
madonna, 38–39
making connections, 48
metamorphosis, 36–37
moment of truth, 47–48
monster, 42–44
passed up, 47
photo album, 41–42
repeating, 211
ring of power, 60–61
rock-a-bye, 40
rocking chair, 51–54, 211
separate faces, 148–149
suckling, 37–38
surprise! 45
Swedish family hotel, 56–57, 251
when to seek counseling, 214
the wrong sex, 44
yucky babies, 35–36
explanation technique (response to outside pressure), 89–91
extended family, creating, 119–122, 226
F
Falbo, Toni, 160, 302
Families (Howard), 121, 288
Families of Two (Carroll), 228, 289
family
sense of, 119–122, 226
sharing childfree decision with, 232–236
family attitudes/values, influence of, 72
childhood experiences, 72–74
parents, 74–75
partner becoming parent, fear of, 75–76
family sculpture exercise, 63–64
family situation in single parenting de
cision, 178
The Farther Reaches of Human Nature (Maslow), 114, 287
fatherhood. See parenting
Fatherhood for Gay Men (McGarry), 167, 299
favors, asking of childfree people, 80–81
fear of greatness, 114–116
feelings
about day care, 261–263
of mothers, 245–246
tracking, 54–55
fertility problems
early stage, 185
evaluation and diagnosis, 188
middle stage, 189–190
pregnancy after, 190–192
pregnancy attempts after loss, 187–188
resources for, 185
self-care after pregnancy loss, 186–187
stopping treatment, 192–198
fertility treatments
affordability, 15
inclusion in book, reasons for, 16–17
simultaneously with adoption, 207–210
stopping, 192–198
support during, 189–190
fifty-fifty exercise, 62
financial situation in single parenting decision, 178
flexibility
happiness and, 111–112
shared parenting and, 260–261
focus-shifting technique (response to outside pressure), 88–89
folate supplements, 315
foreign adoption, 202, 205
foster children, 204–205
“found” families, 121–122
Frankenstein (Shelley), 42
freedom
happiness and, 117–118
loss of, 95
in stopping fertility treatments, 193
Friedman, Ann, 283
friends, influence of, 76–78
childfree people on parents, 83–86
drifting apart, 272–273
parents on childfree people, 79–83
responses to, 86–92
Fromm, Eric, 117, 286
Fuller, Margaret, 240
The Future of the Family (Steinberg), 259, 297
future plans for childfree people, 226–228
G
games
childfree people play with parents, 83–86
in couple conflicts, 132–136
defined, 79
parents play with childfree people, 79–83
in second child decisions, 165–166
Games People Play (Berne), 79, 286
gay couples, conflicts in baby decision, 19–20
gay parenting, 167–170
gender roles in shared parenting, 255–257, 260
generativity, 229
genetic testing
autism and schizophrenia risks, 319–320
pre-pregnancy consultations, 317
resources for information, 318
when to pursue, 316–317
geriatric case managers, 157
goals. See dreams/goals
Goodman, Ellen, 258, 295
grandparents
for children of older parents, 157
expectations of, 233–234
greatness, fear of, 114–116
grief work in stopping fertility treatments, 196–198
growth
for childfree people, 236
from conflict, 150–151
when parenting, 240–242
The Growth and Development of Mothers (Mc-Bride), 243, 295
growth decisions
in baby decision, 9
safety decisions versus, 8–12
growth motivation, 8
guilt
of childfree people, 226
in couple conflicts, 129–132
about day care, 261–262
of mothers, 247–248
of parents of childfree people, 234–235
H
happiness
adventure and, 109–110
flexibility and, 111–112
freedom and, 117–118
intimacy and, 118–119
marriage and, 123–124
mission and, 113–116
mortality and, 112–113
research on, 124–126
risk and, 110
sense of family/community and, 119–122, 226
solitude and, 116–117
spontaneity and, 110–111
Hasidism and Modern Man (Buber), 113, 286
Hawke, Sharryl, 160, 302
Hawley, Nancy Press, 258, 260, 296
healing, parenting as, 73
healthcare for older parents, 156
Henry, Sherrye, 253
Hochschild, Arlie, 62, 255, 285
“Home Duty” (Rockwell painting), 35
home studies in adoption process, 205–207
home-based day care, 263–264
homework assignment exercise, 57–58
Houseknecht, Sharon, 85
Howard, Jane, 121, 288
humor technique (response to outside pressure), 87
I
I and Thou (Buber), 129, 287
I-it relationships, 129
immortality, paths to, 112–113
individual therapy sessions, 216–217
individuation, 68–70, 76
infertility
childfree after, 17
inclusion in book, reasons for, 16–17
reactions to, 48
See also fertility problems
in-home day care (nannies), 264–265
inner core, addressing, 31–32
intercourse, single parenting pregnancy via, 180–182
interiors exercise, 58–59
international adoption, 202, 205
intimacy
building on, 270
happiness and, 118–119
I-thou relationships, 129, 270
J
jealousy about day care, 262
K
knapsack exercise, 45–47
Knox, David, 160, 302
L
Lang, Susan, 226, 289
language choices in book, 16
Larson, Glenn, 21
later-stage fertility problems, stopping treatment, 192–198
legal risk adoption, 204–205
The Lesbian and Gay Parenting Handbook (Martin), 167–168, 299
lesbian couples, conflicts in baby decision, 19–20
Lessing, Doris, 242
Levoy, Gregg, 227, 286
life cycle exercise, 50–51
Lifton, Robert Jay, 112, 286
Literary Women (Moers), 42
loneliness in old age, 122
love, ability to, 73
M
madonna exercise, 38–39
making connections exercise, 48
Margaret Meade, Some Personal Views (Metraux), 161
marriage
happiness and, 123–124
“single” married parents in, 141–144
Martin, April, 167–168, 299
martyrhood, avoiding, 242–244
Maslow, Abraham, 8, 114–115, 287
May, Rollo, 13, 287
McBride, Angela Barron, 243, 295
McGarry, Kevin, 167, 299
McIntyre, Casandra, 168, 299
Mead, Margaret, 161
meddlers, influence of, 76–78
childfree people on parents, 83–86
parents on childfree people, 79–83
responses to, 86–92
medical actions in stopping fertility treatments, 194–195
medical problems
baby decision and, 22–24, 47–48
delayed parenthood and, 154
Melina, Lois, 207, 298
men
involvement with children, 259
judgment of childfree choice, 81–82
role in baby decision, 18–20
wife becoming mother, fear of, 75–76
Men, Women and Infertility: Intervention and Treatment Strategies (Zoldbrod), 192, 301
metamorphosis exercise, 36–37
middle-stage fertilit
y problems, 189–190
Mill, John Stuart, 11
minimizing problems of delayed parenthood, 156–157
miscarriage. See pregnancy loss
mission, happiness and, 113–116
Moers, Ellen, 42
moment of truth exercise, 47–48
monster exercise, 42–44
Morrisette, Mikki, 177, 303
mortality, happiness and, 112–113
motherhood. See parenting
“Motherhood!” (Pogrebin), 240, 253
“Motherhood—Who Needs It?” (Rollin), 52, 289
motivation, types of, 8
Moustakas, Clark, 129
multi-cultural adoption, 205
multiple children, decision to have, 163–166
N
Nadelson, Carol, 229
nannies, 264–265
natural immortality, 112
negotiation in couple conflicts, 138–141, 150–151
Nin, Anais, 243
No One Asked Me if I Wanted a Baby Sister (Alexander), 166
nursing babies, 37–38
nurture, need to, in childfree choice, 99
nutritionists, 314
O
older parents. See delayed parenthood
only children
advantages, 161–162
disadvantages, 162–163
multiple children decisions and, 163–166
myths about, 160–161
of single parents, finding support for, 173–175, 179–180
poison vials about, 105
open adoption, 203
Opting Out? Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home (Stone), 250, 296
Ourselves and Our Children (Hawley), 258, 260, 296
outside pressures. See pressure from others;
responding to outside pressures
P
panic in decision-making, avoiding, 20–22
parenting
checklist: are you ready for parenthood? 64–65
delayed parenthood. See delayed parenthood
for gay couples, 167–170
growth opportunities, 240–242
as healing, 73
mothers, advice for, 245–248
poison vials about, 95–98
pregnancy desire versus, 38–39
preparing for, 100–105, 237–240
shared parenting, 255–261
“single” married parents and, 141–144
single parenting. See single parenting
spending time with childfree people, 272–273
spending time with other parents, 272
stay-at-home mothers, advice for, 244
without becoming martyr, 242–244
work involved, 56–59, 62
working mothers. See working mothers
See also babies; children; pregnancy
parents
fear of partner becoming, 75–76
following gender roles of, 255–257
games played by childfree people, 83–86
games played with childfree people, 79–83
influence on parenting style, 74–75
pressure about baby decision, 67–71
talking about delayed parenthood with, 159
Passages (Sheehy), 153, 287
passed up exercise, 47
perfection in childfree choice, 224–225
The Baby Decision Page 33