The Baby Decision

Home > Other > The Baby Decision > Page 34
The Baby Decision Page 34

by Merle Bombardieri

personhood, retaining, 248

  pets in preparation for parenthood, 100–101

  photo album exercise, 41–42

  physical space needs for children, 58–59

  Pikul, Corrie, 284

  Pogrebin, Letty Cottin, 240, 253

  poison vials, 94

  addressing, 105

  about childfree choice, 98–100

  about parenthood, 95–98

  about preparing for parenthood, 100–105

  postponing

  baby decision, 9–10, 130, 141

  parenthood. See delayed parenthood

  pregnancy

  attitude toward body changes in, 36–39

  via donor insemination, 182–183

  genetic testing, 316–320

  monster dreams during, 42–44

  parenting desire versus, 38–39

  after pregnancy loss, 190–192

  preparing for, 237–240, 313–315

  simultaneously trying for adoption, 207–210

  single parenting and, 180–184

  See also unplanned pregnancy

  pregnancy loss

  pregnancy after, 190–192

  pregnancy attempts after, 187–188

  self-care after, 186–187

  prenatal vitamins, 315

  preparing for parenthood

  physical preparation, 313–315

  poison vials about, 100–105

  psychological preparation, 237–240

  pre-pregnancy genetic consultations, 317

  pressure from others, 66–67

  bill of rights, 86

  end of, 93

  family attitudes/values, 72–76

  friends and meddlers, 76–86

  parents, 67–71

  responses to, 86–92

  priorities in life, identifying, 44–48

  professional help. See counseling

  pronatalism, sexism in, 81–82

  proselytization, avoiding, 273–274

  psychic immortality, 112–113

  psychological actions in stopping fertility treatments, 195–198

  Q

  questions, asking in couple conflicts, 137–138

  quiet time. See solitude

  R

  Raising Adopted Children (Melina), 207, 298

  Ravech, Maxine, 230

  reaffirming baby decision, 211–213

  rebellion, baby decision as, 68

  reframing single parenthood decision, 172

  refusal technique (response to outside pressure), 91–92

  regrets

  addressing, 51–54

  about childfree choice, 98

  repeating baby decision exercises, 211

  Reproductive Endocrinologists, 188

  research on happiness, 124–126

  RESOLVE

  “Childfree Decision-Making,” 17, 223

  evaluating fertility treatments, 188

  fertility treatment affordability, 189

  finding therapists, 219

  after pregnancy loss, 187

  single parenting, 170–171

  stopping fertility treatments, 196

  support during fertility treatments, 189

  website, 185

  responding to outside pressures

  awareness technique, 89

  bill of rights, 86

  choosing technique(s) for, 92

  devil’s advocate technique, 91

  dodging technique, 86

  explanation technique, 89–91

  humor technique, 87

  refusal technique, 91–92

  roleplaying technique, 92

  shifting focus technique, 88–89

  therapist response technique, 87

  retirement planning for older parents, 157

  ring of power exercise, 60–61

  risk

  happiness and, 110

  pursuing, 270–271

  Rivers, Caryl, 258

  rock-a-bye exercise, 40

  rocking chair exercise, 51–54, 211

  Rockwell, Norman, 35

  role modeling, 85

  roleplaying technique (response to outside pressure), 92

  Rollin, Betty, 51–52, 229, 289

  Roman, Mel, 72, 288

  Rowes, Barbara, 243

  S

  sabbaticals from fertility treatments, 194

  sabotage in couple conflicts, 134–135

  sacrifices

  reactions to, 45–47

  in second marriages, 148

  safety decisions

  in baby decision, 9–10

  growth decisions versus, 8–12

  schizophrenia, 319–320

  The Science of Parenting (Sunderland), 57, 294

  second children, 163–166

  second choice, childfree as, 223–224

  second marriages, couple conflicts in, 147–149

  The Second Shift: Working Families and the Revolution at Home (Hochschild), 62, 255, 285

  “secret doors”

  body changes in pregnancy, attitude toward, 36–39

  childhood, attitude toward babies in, 35–36

  children, current attitude toward, 39–44

  conflicting desires, addressing, 32–35

  couples exercises, 59–65

  parenting, work involved, 56–59

  private dreams/goals, addressing, 31–32

  timing of parenthood, 49–54

  unconscious mind, insights from, 54–55

  values, identifying, 44–48

  See also exercises

  self-care after pregnancy loss, 186–187

  self-exploration exercises. See exercises

  Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids (Daum), 228, 289

  selfishness

  in childfree choice, 80–82, 99–100, 224

  as prejudice of others, 76–78

  Senior, Jennifer, 125, 285

  separate faces exercise, 148–149

  sexism in pronatalism, 81–82

  shared parenting

  couples exercises, 62

  fathers, involvement with children, 259

  flexibility and, 260–261

  traditional gender roles in, 255–257

  Sheehy, Gail, 112, 153, 287

  Sheets, Kayla, 44, 313–320

  Shelley, Mary, 42

  shifting focus technique (response to outside pressure), 88–89

  “shrink” game, 134

  simultaneous pregnancy and adoption, 207–210

  “single” married parents, 141–144

  Single Mothers by Choice, 171

  single parenting

  adoption and, 184

  advantages, 175–176

  by choice versus by circumstance, 177–178

  choosing biological father, 183–184

  decisions to consider, 172, 178–180

  disadvantages, 176–177

  via divorce/widowhood, 48

  donor insemination, 182–183

  finding support for, 173–175, 179–180

  pregnancy through intercourse, 180–182

  reasons for choosing, 175

  reframing decision, 172

  role of others in baby decision, 19

  types of women who choose, 170–171

  wrong reasons for, 179

  Slaughter, Ann-Marie, 250–251, 296

  “sneak” game, 134–135

  social situation in single parenting decision, 178

  societal changes for working parents, 249–251

  solitude

  in childfree choice, 225

  happiness and, 116–117

  sons, wishing for, 44

  special needs adoption, 203–204

  Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own (Bolick), 172, 303

  spontaneity, happiness and, 110–111

  stay-at-home mothers, advice for, 244

  Steinberg, David, 259, 297

  step-parenting, 149

  sterilization, 228–2
33

  advantages, 228–229

  changing mind, 229–230

  reactions to, 79

  readiness for, 230–232

  sharing decision with others, 232–236

  Stone, Pamela, 250, 296

  stopping fertility treatments, 192–198

  couple actions, 194

  grief work, 196–198

  medical actions, 194–195

  psychological actions, 195–198

  values clarification, 196

  stress management

  during fertility treatments, 189

  for mothers, 245–246

  in preparation for pregnancy, 315

  success, expectations of, 271

  suckling exercise, 37–38

  Sunderland, Margot, 57, 294

  support

  during fertility treatments, 189–190

  after pregnancy loss, 186–187

  for pregnant women after infertility, 190–192

  for single parents, finding, 173–175, 179–180

  See also counseling

  surprise! exercise, 45

  Surrey, Janet, 118

  Swedish family hotel exercise, 56–57, 251

  T

  theological immortality, 112

  therapist response technique

  in couple conflicts, 134

  as response to outside pressure, 87

  therapy. See counseling

  third children, 164–165

  Time (magazine), 51–52

  timing of parenthood, baby decision and, 49–54

  “To Room Nineteen” (Lessing), 242

  Toward a Psychology of Being (Maslow), 8

  traditional gender roles in shared parenting, 255–257, 260

  Traister, Rebecca, 172, 303

  transracial adoption, 205

  “tug-of-war,” 129–132

  bill of responsibilities to partner, 136–137

  communication in, 136

  divorce considerations, 144–146

  games in, 132–136

  growth from, 150–151

  negotiation to compromise, 138–141, 150–151

  questions to ask, 137–138

  in second marriages, 147–149

  “single” married parents, 141–144

  when counseling is necessary, 144, 214

  See also couple conflicts

  “Two Ubermoms Are Better Than One” (McIntyre), 168, 299

  U

  unconscious mind, insights from, 54–55

  Unfinished Business: Women, Men, Work, and Family (Slaughter), 250, 296

  unplanned pregnancy

  baby decision and, 22–24

  reactions to, 45

  See also pregnancy

  V

  values

  clarifying when stopping fertility treatments, 196

  identifying, 44–48

  Veevers, Jean, 93, 290

  The Vibrant Gene Talk Show (YouTube channel), 318

  W

  websites

  adoption resources, 202, 207

  fertility problems, 185

  fertility treatment affordability, 15, 189

  finding therapists, 219

  genetic testing, 318

  nutrition information, 314

  special needs adoption, 203–204

  support during fertility treatments, 189–190

  transracial adoption, 205

  weekly schedule, evaluating, 49–50

  “What if You Just Don’t Know If You Want Kids?” (Friedman), 283

  “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” (Slaughter), 250

  widowhood

  baby decision and, 48

  single parenting by, 177

  Wilson, Katie, 46–47

  women

  attitude toward pregnancy body changes, 36–39

  bill of rights for pregnancy after infertility, 191

  concerns about motherhood over 35, 154–155

  judgment of childfree choice, 81–82

  mothers, advice for, 245–248

  parenting without becoming martyr, 242–244

  role in baby decision, 18–20

  stay-at-home mothers, advice for, 244

  types who choose single parenting, 170–171

  working mothers. See working mothers

  Women Without Children (Lang), 226, 289

  Women’s Growth in Connection (Surrey), 118

  “Wondering If Children Are Necessary” (Time), 51

  work involved in parenting, 56–59, 62

  working mothers

  advice for, 245

  day care options, 261–269

  juggling career/motherhood, 252–255

  shared parenting, 255–261

  societal changes from previous decades, 249–251

  workshop for baby decision, 215–216

  wrong decision, effect of, 24–27

  wrong sex exercise, 44

  Y

  “Yes” donors, 182

  yucky babies exercise, 35–36

  Z

  Zoldbrod, Aline, 192, 301

  Merle (Malkoff) Bombardieri, is a clinical social worker/ psychotherapist who specializes in parenthood decision-making, infertility, adoption, and making the most of a childfree life. Although she is the mother of two grown children, she has also been an advocate for childfree people since 1979. She has been in private practice for thirty-plus years in Lexington, MA. In 1981, she published the first edition of The Baby Decision based on interviews and reviews of scholarly research. Then, in 1982 she became Clinical Director of RESOLVE, the national infertility association. There she wrote guidelines for infertility patients making decisions on new techniques such as in vitro fertilization and donor egg, as well as adoption and surrogacy. This revised second edition of The Baby Decision, is based on thirty-five more years of work guiding decision-makers in educational workshops, long-distance coaching for people around the world and psychotherapy. Merle brings a sense of humor and compassion to her work. She helps clients and readers get curious about themselves and uncover new discoveries that make life more fun.

  Merle’s writing has appeared in Our Bodies, Ourselves, Brides, Glamour, Self, the Boston Globe Magazine, Boston Magazine and psychology blogs. She has lectured at Harvard Medical School, M.I.T., Wellesley College, and the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. She has appeared on national radio and television news shows, talk shows and documentaries, including the Leeza Show. Merle has been quoted in The New York Times, Time, Newsweek, the Boston Globe and the Huffington Post. She has also written medical journal articles and a chapter in a medical textbook.

  Merle is married and the mother of two grown daughter and the grandmother of a two-year-old boy. She enjoys creative writing, yoga, hiking, and travel.

  She is working on a novel, Don’t Ask, about two sisters and a surrogate pregnancy. Sign up on her contact page to hear more about it and to receive her newsletter.

  Please go to www.thebabydecision.com to sign up to receive further information on the baby decision, Merle’s newsletter, information on online courses, and news about her upcoming novel, Don’t Ask.

  Feel free to contact Merle via www.thebabydecision.com to inquire about baby decision coaching. Technology allows her to coach people remotely.

  Follow Merle on Twitter @thebabydecision and like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/thebabydecision.

 

 

 


‹ Prev