Ambitious Love

by Rosie Harris

  ‘Wales is certainly the land of song,’ Fern agreed. ‘Nevertheless, it is something I am not able to do,’ she added wistfully.

  Vladimir appeared to accept this and suggested that, even so, it might make an enjoyable evening for Dairvy if he invited her to come along as well.

  Dairvy was delighted when they suggested this and Jacob was easily persuaded to stay at home and take care of little Egor for the evening.

  ‘We will dress up in our best clothes and make an occasion of it,’ Dairvy told Fern, her face glowing with excitement.

  It proved to be an evening that both of them thoroughly enjoyed. When they returned home afterwards they both agreed that they couldn’t wait to do it again.

  ‘Not every week, but most certainly when it is a special occasion, or when Boris invites us because he knows it is going to be an outstanding event,’ Dairvy declared.

  Although there was now plenty going on in her life both socially and at work, Fern was still missing Glanmor and still counting the weeks until he would return to Petrograd.

  She wished she was sharing all her new experiences with him but she consoled herself that there would be so much to tell him when she did see him again.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Fern and Dairvy had enjoyed a night of opera in which Vladimir had sung one of the leading parts and, along with Boris, who had escorted them there, they’d joined in the celebrations with Vladimir and several of the other singers afterwards.

  Normally neither of them drank apart from the occasional vodka at their apartment when it was a celebration of some kind. Because this was a special occasion, they’d both had more than one drink and had returned home extremely merry.

  As the four of them entered the apartment, loudly shushing each other to silence so as not to waken Egor, they stopped in surprise because Jacob was not alone.

  For a moment Fern thought she must have celebrated far too well and that she was hallucinating. Rising from a chair and holding out both hands to greet her, was Glanmor.

  He looked taller, broader and even more handsome and bronzed than she remembered. She shook her head as if seeing him through a mist. ‘Is it really you?’ she gasped before rushing towards him and flinging her arms round his neck.

  He embraced her enthusiastically and then kissed her rather chastely, looking questioningly at the two men as if he was not sure who they were or what they were doing there.

  ‘Surely you remember Vladimir and Boris,’ Fern giggled. ‘We’ve all been to the opera to hear Vladimir sing,’ she added by way of explanation of why they had arrived home together. ‘Didn’t Jacob tell you where we were?’

  ‘No, but then I’ve only just this minute walked in,’ Glanmor told her. He looked somewhat relieved by her explanation as he shook hands with both the men and then greeted Dairvy with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.

  ‘Your homecoming, Glanmor, is an occasion that calls for a celebration,’ Jacob declared as he went over to the corner cupboard and began taking out glasses.

  ‘Not for me, Jacob. I’ve already had more than enough to drink already,’ Fern protested.

  ‘I don’t think I’d better have any more vodka either,’ Dairvy giggled. ‘I feel quite light-headed as it is.’

  ‘Nonsense! We must all raise our glasses to welcome Glanmor home,’ Jacob insisted as he began filling their glasses. ‘I must also introduce Glanmor to my son Egor.’

  ‘Surely that can wait until the morning,’ Dairvy frowned, ‘I think it would be better to leave Egor where he is since he is sleeping soundly,’ she added quickly, putting a detaining hand on Jacob’s arm as he moved towards the door of their bedroom.

  Jacob was not to be deterred. He went through into the bedroom and within a matter of minutes had brought out the sleeping child wrapped in a blanket.

  Egor stared around wide-eyed, blinking and rubbing the sleep from his eyes with a chubby fist then, shyly, he buried his face in his father’s shoulder and it was several minutes before he could be coaxed into giving Glanmor a smile.

  Almost an hour passed before Egor was asleep again and they were all ready to retire to their separate rooms. Fern wanted to be on her own with Glanmor but now, as they closed their bedroom door, she felt as if her head was about to split in two. In a few hours’ time she knew that she would have to be ready for work at the café and all she wanted to do was sleep.

  Glanmor, on the other hand, was wide awake and not only wanted to talk about all that had happened during his absence, but was also eager for them to make love.

  Glanmor’s homecoming had been something she’d dreamed about for so long. The thought of being once again in his arms, feeling the sweetness of his lips on hers as the prelude to his body possessing hers had been like an insatiable hunger. Yet, now that he was actually here and they were alone at last, all Fern felt she wanted to do was to curl up in his arms and go to sleep.

  She struggled to respond to his caresses but her eyelids felt so heavy that she knew that at any moment she was going to fall asleep. Perhaps it was all a dream and she was imagining his hands sliding over her bare skin and his lips seeking out the most sensitive of places, she told herself.

  Sensing her lack of response Glanmor finally abandoned his tender ministrations and took her almost roughly. Then, satiated, he turned his back towards her and almost at once was asleep.

  For a long time Fern lay awake, conscious of his nearness and wanting to make amends. She felt bitterly humiliated even though she felt it was her own fault. By now her head was one massive raging pain which was almost blinding her, and her bitter tears because she felt she had failed Glanmor made it throb even more.

  Glanmor was still sleeping when Jacob knocked on their door and called out that it was time to leave for work. For one moment Fern thought of saying she wasn’t feeling well enough to do so. Then, common sense prevailed. Perhaps it was better to go to work, she reasoned, and then, by the time she saw Glanmor again, things between them might be back to normal.

  They were so busy all morning that she had little time to dwell on the events of the previous night. Dairvy was also very withdrawn and said very little except when work demanded that she must do so. As a result of having had his sleep disturbed the night before Egor slept most of the morning.

  ‘I expect you would like to have the afternoon off,’ Jacob suggested to Fern when the midday rush was over. ‘Run along with you, then. Your Glanmor will probably only be here for a very short while so it is understandable that you will want to make the most of your time together,’ he said, smiling.

  ‘That is kind of you, Jacob, but can you manage?’ she asked, looking towards the corner of the room where Dairvy was spoon-feeding food into Egor’s hungry mouth.

  ‘Supposing I come back again in an hour and take Egor to the park? I’m sure Glanmor would love to do that with me,’ she added quickly as Dairvy looked up and Jacob raised his eyebrows questioningly to know how she felt.

  After that it became the regular procedure for the next couple of weeks. Fern worked in the mornings while Dairvy had some time off and then, early in the afternoon, Glanmor would come and the two of them would go off together for the rest of the day. Occasionally, they went on their own but more often than not they would take Egor with them.

  Egor had taken a special liking to Glanmor – so much so that at times Fern felt almost jealous of the rapport between him and the child. It made her eager for them to have a proper home together and a family of their own.

  When, rather shyly, she mentioned it to Glanmor, he smiled in agreement. ‘Very soon,’ he promised. ‘Do you want us to stay here in Russia or to go back home to Cardiff?’

  His question set her thinking. Petrograd was a beautiful city and she had grown used to living there. Now that she had mastered a smattering of Russian she felt more at ease yet, nevertheless, she was often homesick for the more familiar surroundings where she’d grown up.

  As the time for Glanmor’s departure drew nearer h
er unease about staying in Russia increased. Every day in the café she heard heated discussions between the customers about what might happen in the future – not only in their own city but also in Russia as a whole.

  The revolution after the war had brought about a great many changes but there was an increasing air of dissatisfaction everywhere. Lenin had done some great things but many people were still discontented and it seemed possible that there would be another uprising before very much longer.

  The thought of being involved in something like that worried her. She wanted to be with Glanmor and in her heart of hearts she knew then that she wanted them to go back to Cardiff.

  The original reason for coming to Russia, so that they could be together without being married, no longer mattered. She was eighteen now, so there was nothing to stop them being married if they wanted to be.

  When she told him she wanted to return with him, Glanmor shook his head. ‘It’s not possible for you to come with me, Fern, because, as you very well know, we don’t carry any passengers on the Saturn.’

  ‘Surely Captain Mulligan would make an exception. He did before,’ she reminded him.

  ‘That was under duress. What else could he do? He could hardly throw you overboard.’

  ‘There you are, then,’ Fern persisted. ‘Why don’t I stow away again this time? We more or less know what he will do if we are unlucky and he does find me.’

  ‘I very much doubt that he would be as lenient next time,’ Glanmor said dryly. ‘No, it is not a good idea. You stay here while I do one more trip and then, I promise you, we will be together. You quite like working at the Korsky Kafe, don’t you?’

  ‘You know I do, and I love little Egor and I couldn’t ask for better friends than Jacob and Dairvy—’

  ‘And Vladimir and Boris?’ Glanmor butted in.

  ‘Well, I like them as well, of course. They’ve been very good friends. Boris has taught me to dance and Vladimir is always eager for me to go and listen to him singing.’

  ‘Do you ever go out with either of them on your own?’ Glanmor questioned.

  Fern looked at him in surprise. ‘I go dancing with Boris sometimes,’ she admitted and then felt uncomfortable as she saw the scowl that darkened his face.

  She bit her lip as she tried to work out exactly what he was thinking. Surely he couldn’t be jealous. He had only to look in the mirror to see that he was twice the man Boris was and, as for her having feelings for either Boris or Vladimir . . . well, that was laughable.

  She liked them well enough but neither of them could ever be her soulmate. That special accolade was reserved for him and him alone. Surely after all this time and all they’d been through together, Glanmor must know that.

  He was still looking at her questioningly. Uneasily she recalled how jealous he had been of Rhodri and how hard it had been then, even with Maria’s help, to convince him that there would never be anyone else. She didn’t know what to say or do. For one brief moment she was tempted to let him think that she was attracted to one of them, then perhaps he would agree to let her accompany him back to Cardiff as she had suggested.

  Glanmor seemed to take her hesitation to heart, and even when she laughed and told him he was being ridiculous his face remained gloomy. In desperation she flung her arms round his neck and pressed her lips against his.

  For a moment he was stiff and unresponsive then, with a deep groan, he hugged her close and kissed her hungrily. ‘I hate being parted from you,’ he muttered savagely. ‘It’s torture every moment we are apart but I’ve signed on and I can’t break my contract.’

  ‘Surely Captain Mulligan would understand if you said you wanted to stay here,’ she pleaded.

  ‘It would leave him shorthanded, so of course he wouldn’t understand and there would be serious repercussions. It might also mean that I would never get another boat ever again.’

  ‘Why would that matter? You don’t want to spend the rest of your life at sea, surely, Glanmor. I thought you were planning to find a job ashore so that we could settle down together and have a place of our own and start a family.’

  ‘Of course we are, but it’s not possible yet. If I leave the ship, I have no job to go to and what little money I have saved up would last no time at all.’

  ‘If we stay here in Petrograd, you would soon find work,’ she told him.

  ‘You were extremely lucky. We were very fortunate to meet up with Jacob and Dairvy on our first night in Petrograd and to have been offered both accommodation and a job for you. The chances of something like that ever happening again are remote.’

  ‘You should have started looking for a job the minute you came ashore,’ Fern told him.

  ‘It’s not only a question of finding a job but also needing somewhere else to live before we could contemplate having any children.’

  Fern looked at him in surprise. ‘What’s wrong with living here with Jacob and Dairvy and little Egor? I thought you liked them?’

  ‘We could hardly have a family in that one small room, now, could we?’ he reasoned. ‘No, we must be patient. Another trip will mean I have much more money and that will make all the difference to the sort of life we can have together.’

  Their lovemaking that night was tender and deeply satisfying. It made her all the more desperate to be with him. She knew it was pointless harping on the matter and, deep down, she knew he was right and that Captain Mulligan would probably take very severe measures if she attempted to stow away again.

  There was nothing for it but to be patient. It would mean that she would have to stay in Petrograd for at least another year, possibly even longer, but as long as she knew they would be together at the end of that time, she could wait.

  Instead of moping, she would plan ahead and decide whether they would have a better life if they stayed where they were or if they returned to Cardiff.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Fern felt extremely depressed after Glanmor had left but she put it down to the fact that she was missing him so much. Three weeks later, when she was still feeling so wretched that all she wanted to do when she came home from work was eat her meal and then go and lie on her bed, she started to worry.

  She slept badly and several mornings when she woke and forced herself to get up and go to work she felt so unwell and bilious that she was sure she must be sickening for something.

  Finally, in desperation, she mentioned it to Dairvy, hoping she could offer some advice or suggest something she might take to alleviate the feeling. Far from being sympathetic, Dairvy simply laughed and clapped her hands excitedly.

  ‘Surely you don’t need me to tell you what’s the matter with you,’ she chuckled, ‘you’re expecting a baby!’

  Fern stared at her aghast. ‘I can’t be,’ she gulped. ‘We’re not ready to start a family yet.’

  ‘All the signs are there.’ Dairvy smiled. ‘I thought you would be pleased. Your Glanmor seems to love children; he certainly took to little Egor. I think he will make a wonderful father.’

  ‘So do I,’ Fern agreed, ‘but I don’t want a baby yet; not until the time is right.’

  ‘There is never a right time,’ Dairvy said sagely. ‘Babies come when they come and if they are born out of true love, then what is wrong with that?’

  Fern sighed and shook her head. ‘We had plans. This will be a long trip for Glanmor as they are delivering cargo to places in Australia and South Africa. After that there may be a stop-off in dry dock in Cardiff for an overhaul before they return to Petrograd. It means he will be gone for perhaps two years. The next time he comes ashore we planned to set up home and start a family,’ she explained.

  ‘So, in the meantime, he works for the money and when you meet up again you will greet him with the baby, and he will be overjoyed and you will then be a family.’

  ‘Do you really think it will work out as perfectly as that?’ Fern asked dubiously.

  ‘Of course. By then you will know how to be a mother and that is a very hard part to
learn. The men do not really like all the fuss and trouble of a young baby no matter what they say. You will have his child ready to greet him and that will be splendid.’

  ‘I want Glanmor to be with me when the baby arrives, though. The thought of going through it all on my own frightens me,’ she added with a sigh.

  ‘You will not be on your own,’ Dairvy laughed as she put her arms round Fern and hugged her. ‘I will be at your side like you were at mine. I will help you; I will show you all the things you have to do. You will enjoy every moment and you will be so proud to be able to have a fully grown baby, one who can smile and coo and take notice of his father when he arrives home.’

  Dairvy made it all sound so feasible that Fern felt more resigned to accepting what fate had thrown at her. Even so, no matter how helpful and caring Dairvy might be, Fern still longed to share her news with Glanmor and for him to be with her when the baby was born. Although she wrote to him right away, she knew it would be weeks before he received her letter and several more until she had a reply.

  The thought of what having a baby entailed hit her so forcibly that for several weeks she was so quiet and immersed in her own thoughts that both Dairvy and Jacob were worried about her. Even some of the customers noticed that her bright, welcoming smile was missing and that although she now knew a smattering of Russian she no longer stopped to chat or make some friendly remark as she served their meals or cleared the tables afterwards. So many of the customers commented and asked why she was so gloomy that in the end Jacob decided to have a word with her about it.

  ‘When customers come in here they like a cheery greeting,’ he reminded her. ‘You were popular with them all because you smiled and quipped with them. Now, apart from a mumbled Dobraye utro when they arrive and Dasvidaniya when they leave, you say nothing, not even when they try to speak to you in English.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Fern pushed her hair back from her face in a gesture of despair. ‘These days I can think of nothing but this baby I am having. I will try and be more cheerful and greet them more affably,’ she promised.