“Here,” Mum said, putting a mug down on the coffee table.
“Thanks. ”
“You look tired, honey. ”
“Wow, thanks,” I replied.
“Come on, I didn’t mean it like that. Talk to me. ”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to say. ”
“You’ve lost so much in such a short space of time, and it kills me to see you this unhappy. You were happy again when you thought you were having a child, weren’t you?”
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“Yeah, I was. ” The baby I thought I was having made my marriage worth something. Even though it ended horribly, I could at least say something amazing came out of our marriage. Now it was just shit.
“You’ll be happy again if you open yourself up to a future. ”
“I don’t want anyone. ”
“Not now. Believe me, I understand not now, but don’t dismiss it outright and continue thinking there’s nothing out there for you. You will be okay; you will be happy again, and you will find someone to share your life with. ”
“In that order?”
“Usually. Work on you and the rest will follow. ”
I didn’t say anything else because it would just end up with us bickering. I thought she was wrong, and she thought I was wrong. Neither of us would back down, so it was pointless.
Picking up my hot chocolate, I laid back against the sofa.
“Thanks, Mum. ”
Chapter Nineteen
Holly
I woke up feeling exhausted again, even after nine straight hours. My stomach was tied in knots. I was four days late with no sign of my period coming and was feeling run down. But not sick. That was a big one, right? If I didn’t have sickness then I wasn’t pregnant. I laughed at my own naivety.
Looking over at my full-year calendar, I noted the date of my return to university. October 7th. I was looking forward to my final year, but now I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to go back. If I was how could I have a baby at uni?
This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was meant to finish uni and move almost all the way back home and get a job in the local hospital. Children were supposed to come later. I wasn’t the impulsive one. My life was planned out, and I liked my plan.
“Holly,” Dad called through the door. “I’m now going to work. ”
“Okay, see you later. ”
I heard him grumble about something; no doubt it was because it was his turn to work on Saturday. His reaction was the same every month.
In my bedside table were two pregnancy tests that I’d bought yesterday in the hope that I would come on and could throw them away. Now I didn’t even have the slightest cramp, and I knew I was going to have to face this.
As soon as I heard Dad’s car start, I got the bag out and went to the bathroom. Putting it off was only driving me crazy. When it read negative it was going to be a huge relief, and I’d wonder why I hadn’t just done the stupid thing before.
I locked the door and pulled the stick out of the packet.
Please don’t be positive, please.
I’d never done a pregnancy test before. It was terrifying. In high school, I watched one of my friends do it. I sat in her bedroom with Harmony and Amy as Bex peed on a test in her en suite. I remember being so scared for her, but it was nothing compared to how I was feeling right now.
At twenty, I wasn’t ready to be a mum. I knew that if I was pregnant, however, I was keeping my baby; there was never any doubt about that.
I sat on the floor, on the bath mat staring at the upside-down test on the floor in front of me.
It’s negative; it has to be.
Four days late was nothing. I’d been three days before. But that time I hadn’t had unprotected sex.
Taking a deep breath, I turned it over.
The result may as well have been in flashing lights:
Pregnant
I dropped the test and placed my hand on my belly, trying to absorb the enormity of the word. It carried around lifelong responsibility and sacrifice. It was too big for me right now, but carelessly or not, I had created this life. It wasn’t the baby’s fault it was here, and there wasn’t a good enough reason why I couldn’t raise it.
I was going to be a mum. I leant back against the bath. And Jasper was going to be a dad. Shit. Jasper! How was he going to react? He already had so much going on with Abby, moving out and pretty much losing himself in drink and women almost every night.
He’d only been separated two months.
Jasper had wanted a baby now with Abby, but I was sure he wouldn’t be so happy in this situation. He wouldn’t want a baby with a girl he’d slept with on a couple occasions. Who would?
“Holly?” Mum shouted.
I jumped up, alarmed. She wasn’t supposed to be back yet.
“Um, in the bathroom. Be down in a second!”
Damn it, why was she home from shopping so early?
“Alright. Brad and Jasper are here. ”
I gulped, fingers trembling as I shoved the test in the box and put it up my top. My mind was chanting Jasper’s name. How could I face him five seconds after learning I was carrying his baby?
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After stuffing the test under my pillow, I went downstairs, ready to put my game face on and pretend I wasn’t pregnant with the guy I couldn’t get out of my head.
“Hey, Hol,” Jasper said, grinning up at me from the kitchen table.
Mum was fussing around, putting biscuits and cakes on a plate for them.
“Hi,” I replied weakly, giving him the best I’m-not-carrying-your-child smile I could.
“Tea, sweetheart?” Mum asked.
The word tea set off my gag reflex as I thought about the now disgusting drink. Or was I just thinking that? Was it the shock making me feel ill?
“No, thank you,” I replied.
“You okay?” Jasper asked as I sat down beside him. He had a permanent twinkle in his gorgeous grey eyes whenever he spoke to me now. My body went crazy every time I saw him, so it was only fair he had something that gave away what was between us too.
“I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep that well last night. ”
His eyes flicked to Brad, who was up at the counter deciding which tea to have with Mum.
“I can help you sleep if you want,” he muttered, leaning in close.
Yes, I did want, more than anything. But it wasn’t real. I was carrying his child; I needed more than casual sex. He’d told me once that I couldn’t do casual, and he was right, but with him it was so much more. If it wasn’t more to him, then I couldn’t sleep with him again.
“I’m okay,” I muttered, not committing to anything or leading him on.
“Sure you’re okay?” He placed his palm over my forehead, and I tried to ignore the butterflies he gave me. “You don’t have a temperature. Are you sick?”
“No, it’s not that. I don’t feel sick. ”
Well I did but not because of a bug.
“Maybe you should have an early night. I’ll cover reception tomorrow. You take it easy. ”
“Thank you. ”
Getting over him wasn’t going to be easy when he was being sweet and caring. “I should take it easy tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t turn into anything then. ”
And I could get an emergency appointment at the doctor surgery to have this pregnancy confirmed.
“Yeah. If you need anything else…”
I smiled, fighting the urge to kiss him.
“Holly,” Dr White said, smiling with affection. She’d been my doctor since I was a baby and was thrilled when I told her I wanted to get into medicine. She’d even suggested applying for a pharmacist position here. I wasn’t even sure if that was possible now.
“Hello, Dr White,” I said as we walked along the corridor to her surgery.
“How is uni
versity?”
I tugged on my top as if she could see a bump. There was no bump and wouldn’t be for a while yet.
“It’s great. I love it. ”
“I knew you would. ” She shut the door behind us, and we sat down. “Now, what can I do for you?”
This shouldn’t be so hard, but I opened my mouth, and nothing came out. She was somewhat of a family friend, and I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me.
“Holly?” she prompted.
“I… I’m pregnant. ”
“Oh. Okay. You’ve done a test, yes?”
I nodded. “Two actually. ”
I’d done another one when Jasper and Brad left, just to make sure. The same pregnant result stared back at me.
“Alright. Well congratulations. ” Congratulations? “When was the first day of your last period?”
“July third,” I replied. I remembered because that was the day before I met up with Amy for lunch.
“Let's calculate your due date then. ” She got out a circle chart and studied it, turning the top layer so casually. “According to this your due on the 9th of April. But your scans will be able to give you a more accurate date. ”
“Okay,” I replied weakly.
“Are you okay, Holly? Can I assume this wasn’t planned?”
“Not planned,” I confirmed.
“The father?”
“Is so messed up right now he’s going to question if he’s the dad. ”
Dr White frowned, so I told her everything and by the time I’d finished I was sure she would think I was a slut. I’d slept with two men within five weeks of each other, but I’d had a period between breaking up with Harry and sleeping with Jasper.
“Was there anything different about your last period?”
I knew this was it. If I lied and said it was lighter, she would send me for an early scan so we could be sure of my dates. The idea of lying to her made me feel horrible, but I needed something concrete to go to Jasper with or he might, understandably, doubt me.
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I pressed my fingernails into the palms of my hands and prayed I didn’t look guilty. “It was a lot lighter. ”
“Hmm,” she said. “It is possible to have light bleeding when the embryo implants into the uterus. I think it’s best to send you for a scan, and then we can be sure. I don’t want to leave you until twelve weeks in case we’re a month out. ”
Licking my dry lips, I nodded. “Thank you. ”
“It’s my pleasure. I’ll print out some dos and don’ts, and we’ll arrange that scan. I’ll request you’re seen this week and also book you an appointment with the midwife. ”
The local midwife was also the one that delivered me. Mum still spoke to her about my ‘interesting’ birth whenever she saw her. It was times like this I wished I lived in a big town rather than a small village.
“Okay,” she said after she’d given me pages of printed-paper and gone over any questions I had. “Make another appointment if there’s anything else you need but if not I’m sure I’ll see you back here at some point. Perhaps when I check over the baby. ”
I smiled. “Thank you. ”
Standing up, I shook her hand and walked out. In the next few days, I would hear when my scan appointment was. A very big part of me hoped it was in a couple weeks time so I could prepare myself.
Armed with my scan picture, proving Jasper was the dad; I knocked on his door and waited. My heart was racing, and I felt nauseous. I had absolutely no idea how he was going to react, not even an inkling.
He opened the door, and before I could chicken out and ask to borrow sugar or something lame like that I walked past him and into his flat.
“What is it, Holly?” he said, grabbing my arm as I rushed through the living room.
“Holly?” someone’s voice I didn’t recognise came from the kitchen, and I froze.
He had a woman here.
A beautiful brunette with legs up to her armpits appeared from the kitchen. I was dumbstruck. Here I was about to announce to Jasper I was having a baby, and he was shacked up with a one-night stand.
“Um, Holly this is Leanne. We met last night,” Jasper said.
I managed a weak smile. “Hi, Leanne. ”
“Holly, hi. Lovely to meet you. Do you want to join us for bacon rolls?”
My stomach turned. “No thanks. ”
If I did I would definitely be seeing them again later.
“Everything okay?” Jasper asked. His discomfort was blindingly clear.
I blinked a few times, desperately trying to think of something to say.
“I was just passing on the way to pick up something I left at work. I wanted to know if you need a lift tonight? We’re sharing a taxi but couldn’t get hold of you to ask and if you want to share we’ll book a bigger car,” I rambled. “I would’ve called, but I was driving and your place is on the way so…”
I pinched the scan photo between my fingers in my pocket as I spoke, gripping it for dear life. This was awkward for everyone but Leanne it seemed, she stood leaning against the doorframe grinning.
“Sharing a taxi will be great,” Jasper replied. “How come Brad didn’t call?”
“Ah!” Leanne exclaimed. “Brad the friend and Holly the sister!”
Jasper winced as I glared up at him. He told her that?
“Hey,” he said. “I was drunk, and it’s not like she’s going to tell. ”
“That’s not the point,” I hissed. I didn’t want him going around telling people our business. The thought of people knowing who I’d slept with filled me with horror.
“All right, sorry,” he replied, holding his hands up. “I won’t mention it to anyone again, but it wasn’t like I was bragging about it. I’m not proud of going behind my mate’s back. ”
I felt like crying. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. I expected him to rant, tug on his hair and throw the occasional swear word but not this. He slept around; that wasn’t a secret, but seeing it with my own eyes hurt like hell. I should’ve known I couldn’t have no strings sex. And he wasn’t supposed to regret what happened between us.
“Forget it. It’s fine. I’ll get Brad to let you know when the taxi is picking you up. ”
Turning on my heel, I made a quick exit. Jasper called my name, but I ignored him. I couldn’t see him with her again. I sprinted out of the door and towards my car, wiping the tears which had started streaming from my eyes.
Chapter Twenty
Jasper
Page 56
I hopped in the taxi. Cole and Oakley sat at the back of the seven-seater talking to each other with doe eyes. It made me want to gag. Brad was on the middle row of two and Holly the front row of two. Brad’s legs hung over where I wanted to sit so it would have to be near Holly.
After the awkward situation earlier, I didn’t want to be trapped beside her for twenty minutes. I really had to stop talking about her to the random women I slept with. Not only could it get back to Brad but it annoyed me how much my drunken mind was on her.
“Hi,” I said as I sat down.
She looked up briefly. “Hi. ”
“You okay?”
“Yes. You?” she replied, barely meeting my eye.
And I thought this would be awkward…
“Yep,” I replied and lowered my voice to add, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she mouthed.
“Bullshit. ”
“Man, if I can walk at the end of the night, punch me,” Brad said, poking his head between the seats.
I forced a laugh. “Yeah, deal. What’re you forgetting tonight then?”
“Hmm,” he murmured. “I can’t decide between the long day at work today or the blonde in the pub that turned me down last week. ”
“Wow, those are your only problems!” Holly said, rolling her eyes at her brother.
“Oh
and what’s your biggest problem right now, Hol? Shall I wear my pink pyjamas tonight or my blue ones,” Brad replied in the worst imitation of a woman’s voice ever.
She turned back and stared out of the window.
Brad poked her arm. “Are you on or something? You’ve been moody all day. ”
“Just fuck off, Brad!” she hissed.
Whoa.
“Ugh, definitely on,” he said and retreated back. Holly muttered the word pig under her breath.
What the hell was going on?
Right now sitting in the seat beside Cole while his lips were attached to my sister’s was more appealing. Whatever was wrong with Holly was seriously going piss all over the fun tonight.
We arrived at the club, and as there was no queue – not a good sign – so we were ushered straight inside.
“We’re leaving if it’s dead,” I said as we walked up the stairs. I was determined not to let anything ruin the night.
“Ladies, sit down and gentlemen, to the bar!” Brad exclaimed reaching above his head and pointing to the bar.
Holly frowned and headed towards the seating area that was too quiet for this to be a good night.
“Is she okay?” Oakley whispered to me.
“How should I know?” Though I was starting to think I had something to do with her bad mood. Was it about yesterday? We’d agreed that sex between us was casual, she seemed happy with that and had instigated one time herself. I was shit scared that she had changed her mind and things between us would get awkward. I liked Holly, but I was nowhere near the relationship place right now.
She rolled her eyes and followed Holly to an empty table in the corner of the seating area. I helped Brad and Cole carry over the drinks. We must have at least four each.
Brad put the tray of ten shots down “First, we do shots. Two each, one after the other. ”
Holly shook her head. “I don’t want one, Brad. ”
“I’ve bought you one now! Drink it, you’re not driving. ” He sat down and pushed two shots towards her.
Hell if she didn’t do it, I would. If I wasn’t getting laid, I was getting smashed.
She pursed her lips. “I don’t want it. ”
“Don’t make her,” Oakley said, looking at Holly with an expression I knew very well – suspicion.
I downed my shot and then almost spit it out. Fuck, Holly’s pregnant! I choked on nothing and stared at her.
“She’s being a baby. It’s just a couple shots!” Brad exclaimed.
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