Holly burst out laughing at the full shopping bags I clung to. “Did you buy the whole shop?
“Hey, they give you too much choice! There can’t possibly be a need to for so many variations!” I ranted.
“I’m sorry. Thank you for getting them for me. ” She took the bags off me and tipped them out on the sofa. The boxes covered two seats. Stifling a laugh, she searched through them.
“So which ones do you have?” I asked when she didn’t pick anything up.
“All of these are fine. It was very sweet of you,” she replied, dodging my question.
There was literally no other type left on the shelf that I didn’t pick up so what was wrong?
“What? It’s none of them, isn’t it? Jesus, I picked one of everything, how could I still get it wrong. ”
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“Hey, no, you did nothing wrong. ”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better. Tell me, Holly. ”
“Well, I’ve been using the maternity ones. They’re down the baby aisle, but these are fine, they all work the same. ”
What the fuck! Why would they put them somewhere else? How the hell were you supposed to know they did maternity ones if they weren’t with the others?
“I can go back. ”
“No, don’t be silly. These are honestly okay. All these night-time ones will be fine now and the others in a couple of days. ”
“I told you I’d get whatever you need. ”
“And you have. ”
“I haven’t. I’m such an idiot. When you said maternity pads I didn’t think they did something separate to all the others. I didn’t want to call in case you’d fallen asleep. ”
“Jasper, stop. You’re not an idiot. You’re incredibly sweet. How many other men would get every variety and every brand just because they didn’t want to risk waking someone up?”
“They’re really okay?”
“Yes, I promise. Thank you. ”
I smiled and sat down, wrapping my arm around her. Ever since I’d seen Abby in the shop I’d wanted to hold Holly.
“Are you tired?” I whispered. She nodded, pulling the blanket up and snuggling into my side. “Sleep then. ”
If Holly was right, we had about another hour and a half before Sophia would wake up.
“I like having you around,” she whispered and yawned.
“I like being around. I’ll be here as much as you let me. ”
“I’d never tell you not to come. You know you can see Sophia whenever you want. ”
Of course I knew that. Holly would never try to keep me from our daughter; she loved Sophia too much to be selfish with her.
“I saw Abby today,” I said.
I wasn’t sure if it was deliberate or not, but she pressed her body against mine a little harder.
“Yeah? How is she?”
“Fine. She has a son called Jacob. He’s about a month older than Sophia. They both looked well. ”
“That’s good. How do you feel after seeing her again?”
“I feel fine. Thought it’d make me miss her but I don’t. I care about her in the way I care about any other human, but I don’t have any feelings for her, good or bad. ”
Holly looked up at me, her blue eyes brighter than ever. “That’s great. ”
“Yeah it is. Seeing her made everything clear. What I want. Who I want. ”
“Who you want?”
I narrowed my eyes. “You’re being very coy considering you already know it’s you. ”
She didn’t move.
“I thought I was ruined for relationships. I was so sure I’d never want anything real again. When Abby cheated I thought that was it for me, that I’d never be able to trust anyone again and that I wouldn’t be brave enough to take a chance. But I trust you, Holly. It’s not taking a chance because we’re already there, aren’t we? We’ve been in a relationship since your aunt’s wedding but without the label. ”
She gripped my jacket, tearing up.
“Good,” I said. “I knew you felt it too. I’m not scared to let you in, or acknowledge that I already have. I’m not worried about you crushing me because you won’t and you don’t ever have to worry because I will never hurt you; either of you. ”
“Jasper,” she whispered.
“I know. ” I pressed my forehead against hers. “God you really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?”
Her cheeks turned pink, proving my point. “You are, and so is Sophia. I’m a very lucky man to have you both. ”
“I think I’m the lucky one,” she said.
I tucked her hair behind her ear, wanting to see more of that face I’d grown to love so much. She really was stunning. Her striking blue eyes sparkled. How could I not have seen how I felt about her before? Was it masked by the sudden pregnancy and my divorce? I’d been so consumed by everything else that I’d almost let her slip through my fingers.
“I’m never letting you go,” I whispered and kissed her.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jasper
I got out of the shower that I’d had to have after my little angel puked her milk all over me. For something so tiny, she could really let it all go. It was like a fountain. Thank God I had spare clothes at Holly’s place. I changed in the bathroom and went in Holly’s room to pack my old stuff in a bag.
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My makeshift bed – a blow-up one – on the floor beside Sophia’s Moses basket laid unused. For the last couple of nights I’d slept beside Holly, cuddled up to her. I folded the fleece blanket up and pulled the plug out of the bed.
Everyone knew we were together now – we got a chorus of ‘about time’ or ‘weren’t you already together?’ thrown at us – so there was no point having the second bed down there.
I put the pillow back on Holly’s bed and saw an envelope. My name in Holly’s handwriting was scribbled on the front. A few things ran through my head, the scariest one: she’s breaking up with me and doesn’t know how to do it face-to-face. I picked it up, heart in my mouth as I opened it. I pulled the piece of paper out and started to read.
Jasper, I don’t know how to say this to you, so I thought writing it would be easier. I hope. Sometimes I feel that your protectiveness, although completely understandable, is an insult to me. I love Sophia as much as you do and I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt her, nor would I leave her alone with anyone I don’t trust.
You’ve been through something so terrible that, you’re right; I don’t get but that doesn’t mean that I’m not capable of making the right choices for Sophia and that I can’t adequately protect her.
I love that you want to be around, WE love having you around, but I want to be able to take my daughter out for a walk and not worry about checking-in with you. And I want you to be comfortable with us going out. We both have to give and take here, or we’re going to suffocate each other. I think it’s pretty obvious that I want to be with you by now, and you’ve said you want the same, so maybe once you’ve read this and understand a little more how I feel, we can talk. I want this to work. I want our little family together.
Holly X
I gripped her letter in my hand and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath through my nose. I was gutted that I’d made her feel like I thought she was a bad or an incapable mum. That was the last thing I felt. And I hated Max impossibly more because of it.
Folding the letter and shoving it in my pocket, I walked downstairs to find her. I wasn’t going to let my past and my insecurities mess this up for us. We’d only been together for two bloody days, and Max was coming between us already!
He wasn’t going to win.
“Holly?” I called at the bottom of the stairs.
“In the kitchen,” she replied. She sounded nervous, knowing I’d read the letter.
Holly and her mum sat around the kitchen table. Sylvie was
giving Sophia Holly’s expressed milk from a bottle – something she’d finally agreed to do so I could help with the night feeds.
“How’s my girl?” I asked, brushing the back of my fingers over her baby-soft hair.
“Hungry. But we’re fixing that now, aren’t we, sweet girl,” she said to Sophia.
Holly gnawed at her lip, tapping the table. She was nervous, and I didn’t want to make her suffer any longer.
“Sylvie, do you think you could look after Soph while Holly and I go for a drive?”
She nodded and her smile gave her away, she knew about the letter and Holly’s feelings.
“Yes, of course. ”
I let Holly walk out first after she’d kissed Soph, and she kept her eyes on the floor, avoiding me. I took one last look at Sophia necking her bottle and followed. I would do anything for them both, including facing my biggest fear.
Holly slung her coat on and left the house, not bothering to wait. She was nervous. I knew she found it hard to express herself or say what she wanted, so I didn’t mind that I was being ignored and would have to start the conversation.
“Where to?” I asked as I got in and switched the ignition on.
She shrugged, clicking her seatbelt in.
“Okay, maybe just McDonalds drive-thru for a coffee? I’d quite like to stay in the car for privacy. ” And we both needed caffeine for this talk.
“Sounds good,” she replied, finally looking over at me.
I pulled out of her parents’ drive.
“Your letter gutted me,” I said.
She visibly shrank in the seat.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
“No, don’t be sorry, I want you to be honest. I’m sorry for making you feel that way. ”
We quickly fell silent. I wanted to give her time to think everything through, even though I wanted to have it out now. Holly was the type to close up if she was pushed. Pulling up at the drive-thru, I placed our order and wiped my hands on my jeans. The silence was killing me. I wanted it sorted out now so we could move on, but she bottled things away, fearing confrontation.
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I paid for the coffees and handed them to Holly while I parked the car.
“You’re too quiet,” I said as I turned the engine off and turned to her.
“Sorry,” she replied.
I sipped my coffee as the silence stretched out again.
“Holly, you’re an incredible mum. Sophia is lucky to have you. I’ve never thought that you can’t cope, or you can’t protect her. I trust you one hundred per cent to do what’s best for her. ”
“Then why are you so hostile to my family and friends?”
“Because I don’t know them. ”
“I do. ”
“Yeah, but you can never know someone completely. ”
“You don’t know me completely, but you trust me with her, right?” She raised her eyebrows, challenging me to say no.
“Of course I do. Look, I can’t help who I trust and who I don’t. It’s not easy for me to trust anyone, and I’m sorry, but if I’m not comfortable with someone around my daughter I’m not leaving them with her. ”
“Jasper, we were in the same room, and you still looked like you wanted to kill them all. ”
“They were holding her. ” That was enough. When someone had her that I didn’t know, all I could see in my head was her silently crying.
“In front of us!”
Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair. I couldn’t make her understand, not properly, but I was sure I knew someone that could help.
“We’re going to see Carol,” I said. “We need to sort this properly, or we’re gonna screw this up before it’s properly begun. ”
Her eyes softened. “Okay. I want this to work. ”
“Good. Me too. ”
“I should be more understanding. ”
I shrugged.
“I think we both should but it’s hard to understand where each other is coming from sometimes, especially with something as big as this. It’s about our daughter’s safety. ”
“Tell me it’ll be okay,” she whispered. “I’ve wanted this for months and I’m afraid of losing it. ”
Leaning over, I kissed her soft lips.
“It’s going to be okay. I told you I’m not letting you go, and I meant it. I’d just like to avoid you hating me if we carry on like this. Don’t give up on us. ”
She shook her head. “I won’t. ”
Carol was good; she got me talking and realising shit that I never thought was there. I believed that she could help us both understand each other more. Neither I nor Holly were willing to give up, so we’d make it work, whatever it took.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Jasper
Holly looked like me when it was my first time in here. She sat stiffly on the sofa, visibly wanting to be anywhere else. It wasn’t exactly my favourite place to be either, but I’d had to admit I was wrong, and therapy worked.
“I appreciate you coming today, Holly, and congratulations to you both,” Carol said.
“Thank you,” Holly and I replied at he same time.
“How is parenthood treating you both?”
“Good,” Holly said. “Sophia is such a good baby. ”
For now.
Carol nodded. “Is she with family?”
“Yes, with Jasper’s mum. ”
“It’s always good when you have plenty of willing volunteers to watch them for you. ”
I flinched. No, it wasn’t.
“Jasper?” Carol said. “Why don’t you start?”
“Fine. Me and Holly have been talking about my fears about Sophia. And Max. ”
“You were toying with the idea of visiting him. Have you made a decision yet?”
“Yeah, I’m going to do it. I just don’t know if it’ll help and if it doesn’t…”
She smiled. “Then you don’t know if the worry will ever ease?”
“Pretty much. ”
“What do you think, Holly?”
Holly hated being put on the spot.
“Um, I don’t know really. I want things to be easier for Jasper, but I’m worried that visiting his dad will make it worse. ”
Carol nodded. “How does Jasper’s anxiety affect you?”
I looked at Holly. That I didn’t know. She played with the ends of her sleeves.
“It makes me uncomfortable when he’s hovering around my family. Don’t get me wrong, I understand, but they’re my family, and I don’t want them to feel like we don’t trust them with our daughter. ”
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“I think that’s the issue here, Holly, Jasper doesn’t. It’s nothing personal, and he’s not questioning your judgement, but trust for Jasper is hard to gain and easy to lose. ”
That about summed it up. Carol was worth every penny I paid her. I could count on one hand the amount of people I trusted completely with Sophia.
“I don’t know what I can do to convince him they can be trusted, and I sometimes do feel like he doesn’t trust me to keep her safe. ”
“Don’t think that, Holly. ” Shit I hated that she felt like that. “You’re an amazing mum and I know you’d never let anyone near her you weren’t sure about, but we were once sure about Max. ”
“See and that’s what makes me feel like you don’t trust me,” she said. “You’re basically saying I don’t know my family. ”
“No, I’m saying we don’t really know anyone. ”
She shook her head; lips pursed, looking pissed at me.
“I know my family. ”
“Okay,” Carol said, putting an end to our discussion before it turned into an argument.
I got where Holly was coming from, but she hadn’t been on the other end of it when you found out someone you thought was your hero was really a monster.
&nb
sp; “Until Jasper has worked through his anxiety we need to find a way of getting you both to understand where the other one is coming from. Jasper, you trust Holly. ”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Then do you think you could go out while she has someone over to see Sophia?”
I gulped. Holly was petite and had not long given birth. Would she be able to protect Sophia? And herself?
“Jasper,” Holly whispered. The tone in her voice froze me on the spot. Tears welled in her eyes.
“I trust you,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “I worry about you too. ”
“I’m a big girl and if anyone tried to hurt my daughter I’d kill them. I may not be particularly strong, but you find the strength for that. No one is going to hurt her. Not ever. ”
I heard the words, and I knew she’d protect her, but I couldn’t help thinking I should be there to be certain nothing happened to either of them.
“I know. I get it, Holly, I really do, but I can’t help how I feel. We’re just going round in circles. ”
“What do you think will help you achieve closure?” Carol asked.
“Oakley thinks going to see him will. ” It kept coming back to Max.
She nodded. “Do you think that?”
“I’m leaning more towards yes. I’ll give just about anything a go to not feel so scared and helpless or have Holly think I don’t trust her. I just don’t know how I’m going to deal with seeing him. ”
“And that’s why you’re here?”
“That and I want me and Holly to be able to talk about it without arguing. I hate arguing with her. ”
“I hate arguing with you too,” she replied, squeezing my hand.
“What are you most scared of happening if you visited him? Your anger getting the better of you?”
I gulped. “No, I’m most scared of remembering who he was before. ”
Carol left the words to hang in the air. Holly froze.
“That would be perfectly normal if you did,” Carol said. “You could remember plenty of good things right now if you allowed yourself to. ”
“Well I won’t. ”
She nodded. “I know. That’s fine too; some people are capable of forgetting and not having it interfere with their lives. When it eats away at you and affects your life though, that’s the time to face it. ”
“You may as well have just said ‘Jasper, face it’,” I replied.
“Do you believe it affects your life?”
I diverted my eyes, looking at the back of the sofa beside her shoulder.
Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages Page 24