Pull Me Close: The Panic Series

by Sidney Halston

  Walking out to the living room, I find Geo and David sitting on the couch and Nico on one of my dining table chairs that he moved over.

  “Thank you for the wine,” David says, lifting his glass.

  “Dinner smells divine,” Geo says.

  “I hope you like it. It’s shrimp and lobster enchiladas, with a twist,” I explain as Nico pulls me onto his lap. “The twist is the tequila I used in the recipe.”

  “I keep her around for her cooking,” he teases. “Wait until you taste her food.” I playfully hit him on the shoulder. “Some wine?” He holds his glass to my mouth and I take a sip.

  We all talk for a few minutes. Geo and David are getting married and they came down for a fitting of Geo’s wedding dress. The wedding is in Paris in two months, which is about a month before my sister’s. David manages some bands in Paris but grew up with Nico here in Miami. Where Nico has a darker complexion reflecting his Cuban heritage, David looks like an All-American boy. He doesn’t have hair, but if he did, I think he’d be blond.

  Eventually I serve the food and we all eat around the small dining table.

  “Nick, Matt is the only person who hasn’t RSVPed to the wedding.” It’s a little hard to understand Geo because of her accent.

  “We can’t both go. He has to stay and work, so it’ll just be me,” Nico says.

  “And Katherine, I hope,” Geo says in her beautiful accent.

  “Oh, uh…” we both stammer awkwardly. I don’t know if it’s that he doesn’t want me to go or if he knows I just can’t. In any case, there is absolutely no way I can get into an airplane. I’ve made great advances, but I haven’t even been able to take the trip to Nico’s apartment, much less get into a metal tube thousands of feet up in the sky.

  “I haven’t really thought about it,” Nico says quickly. “But I hope she’ll be able to make it. It’s in November. We have time to discuss it,” Nico says. It’s only September; maybe in two months I can get my shit together.

  I tell them about my sister’s upcoming wedding, and Geo and David tell us all about their courtship. I can honestly say I’ve never seen two people more in love, not even my sister and her fiancé. These two can’t help but touch all the time; he tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, she has a hand on his forearm. And the way they look at each other, as if they share some big secret…watching them interact is a joy.

  Surprisingly, David and Nico together are just as fun to watch. I hadn’t realized what great friends they are until I see the ease with which they talk and laugh. There’s not a moment of awkwardness or a need to fill silence.

  “Why do you call him Nico?” David asks me.

  “He refuses to call me Katie, so I refuse to call him Nick,” I say, smiling at Nico.

  “Katie is too ordinary for you. Katherine’s your name, and it’s perfect,” Nico says, and gives my hair a little tug.

  “I saw a balcony out there. Mind if I go smoke?” David asks, taking out a cigarette.

  “Go ahead,” I say.

  “Join me for a drink, buddy,” David says to Nico, who pours himself a little scotch. Then both men walk out together.

  “I’ll help you with the table,” Geo says.

  “Oh, you don’t have to.”

  “It’s not a problem,” she says, grabbing the dishes. “I haven’t eaten so well, or so much, in a long time. The seamstress will kill me.”

  I laugh. “I’m glad you liked it.”

  “Liked it? I think David may propose to you.” She laughs. “I don’t cook.”

  “I didn’t always cook, but now I enjoy it,” I say as I wash the plates and she dries them. “How long are you two in town?”

  “We’ll be here for two more days, then we fly back to France. I’m coming back with one of my good friends in a month to pick up my dress and some wedding favors.”

  “You travel a lot?”

  “Oui. David scouts new bands and I go with him as much as possible.” She pauses. “I’ve never seen Nick so happy, by the way.”

  “Really?”

  “For the last year he’s been moody all the time. But we love him even when he’s a grump. David says he hasn’t always been like that. In fact, David wanted to go down to Key West for a diving trip to see if he could cheer Nick up, but Nick didn’t want to go. David was worried because Nick never says no to a diving trip. Then he suggested dinner here, and we were intrigued.”

  Obviously Nico set this up because I wouldn’t have been able to go out. It makes me sad that he has to alter his life to accommodate my unusual one.

  “I didn’t expect to have a delicious dinner in a little apartment,” she says with a smile, but she’s also saying something else. Her eyes are questioning.

  “Uh…yeah. Surprised me too. He only mentioned it this morning.”

  “Interesting,” Geo says, leaning back against the counter and sipping wine.

  I put down the dishcloth and turn to face her. “I feel as if you want to say something.”

  “No. Not say. Ask.”

  “Okay, then just ask me.”

  “I don’t want to be rude.” She’s forthright, yes, but she also seems genuinely curious.

  “Then don’t be. Just ask me.”

  She leans forward and in her very strong accent says, “The day we met, you did not look good. Nick said you have…a problem. That you are scared a lot. Nick did not look happy that day. I hope I do not insult you.”

  “You didn’t insult me. It’s a fair observation, and you’re concerned for your friend. I don’t have any secrets, so I don’t mind telling you, especially if it’ll ease both of your minds about me and Nico.” I see that I have her full attention, so I begin. “I have an anxiety disorder that makes it difficult for me to leave my home. I’m trying to get better. I have gotten better, but I get panicked sometimes. I’m assuming that Nico, being sweet, didn’t want to put me in that situation and invited you here for dinner instead of asking me to go out with you all.”

  “Okay. That answers a lot of it. The rest is not my business. I am happy you are not a vampire and that you are trying to get yourself better. We want Nick happy.”

  “So do I.”

  “I can see that. Maybe you will be able to go to the wedding after all.”

  “I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

  “Your handsome man in a tuxedo with my French bridesmaids? Oh, you have to be there, Katherine.”

  Shit. I’m going to try extra, extra hard now.

  —

  For the next two hours we sit in the living room, drinking and chatting. David tells stories about Nico, most of them from when they were in their teens. By the end of the evening I’m blissed out on happiness. I’ve felt completely at ease from almost the very first minute, which is a wonderful and unfamiliar feeling. The sense of dread that came over me this morning when I heard about them coming over hasn’t made its way across my mind the entire evening, not even when I thought Geo was going to give me the third degree.

  But Nico’s hand on my thigh or the small of my back, or the way he absently touches my hair—that is definitely getting to me.

  Before they leave, Geo gives me all her contact information and makes me promise to Skype with her. It feels like I’m saying goodbye to old friends by the time they’re gone.

  “That was nice,” I say as Nico closes the door.

  “It was,” he agrees, but his eyes don’t look like he wants to chat about the evening. They look hungry. “Are you drunk?”

  “No. Not at all.” I’m not. I feel loose and relaxed but definitely not drunk.

  He takes a step forward and pulls me against him by the waist.

  “I need you tonight,” he says against my lips. My body goes soft with desire. I need him too. “I can’t stop thinking about what you said earlier.” He doesn’t kiss me. Instead he takes my bottom lip in between his teeth. His grip on my waist tightens. He uses his tongue to soothe the small nip. “Don’t make me break my promise. Come home with me. If you don
’t, all my self-control is out and I’m fucking you right here. Don’t make me do that.”

  “Let me grab a bag,” I say.

  “No. Fuck that.” He intertwines his fingers with mine. “No time. Don’t want you to think about it. Work yourself up. You’re going to be naked for the next day anyway.” He pulls me out of my apartment, giving me just a second to drop my Xanax (just in case) into my purse with my free hand and follow him out the door.

  Nico

  Katherine’s crazy if she thinks I’m going to give her a moment to think. I’ve been hard for weeks and weeks. My dick has not gone soft since we met, and I can’t wait to be inside her. Once inside the car, I look her over to make sure she’s okay. Not wanting to give her anxiety ammunition, I hide my concerned expression. But of course I’m worried, and not that I won’t get laid. I’m worried she’ll have a panic attack, and seeing her ill makes me feel ill.

  “Why are you staring at me like that, Nico?”

  I shake off those thoughts. “You look beautiful, is all,” I say before I take off. My apartment is close by, maybe three blocks—not enough time for her to have an attack, I hope. My biggest concern is that I’m on the fifteenth floor and we have to take the elevator. I mean, I’d walk up fifteen flights of stairs for this woman, but damn—that won’t bode well for our night of sex.

  Left with no other choice, I decide that I have to distract her. It’s not a bad plan, really. And it’s the only thing I’ve got. I park hastily in the garage under the building and turn around and begin to attack her. I press my lips against hers and grab her tits with my free hand. She pulls me closer with one hand and tries to unbuckle her seatbelt with the other. We’re all hands and tongues and want, and if it wasn’t for my small car, I’d pull her over to me. On me. Instead I disengage and run over to her side of the car to help her out. She’s about to ask a question, but I don’t give her time. Somewhere in the back of my overly horny mind, I think that I should ask about her anxiety level, but then I think that if I ask, she’ll remember, and what she needs is to not think. I know I’m winging it, but it’s the only plan I’ve got.

  I pull her out of the car, press her against the car door, and continue to kiss her like I’ve never kissed her before. Hell, I’ve never kissed anyone like that before. I can’t get close enough, and it has nothing to do with the distraction tactic I’m trying out. It’s because it’s Katherine. My sweet Katherine, who’s braver than anyone I’ve ever known. Who tries her hardest, who’s been through more in her life than anyone should ever have to endure.

  The garage is dark and empty and there’s no one around. The elevator in the garage is also empty, and you need a special card to use it. I’m walking her backward, toward the elevator just a few feet from where I’m parked, and I don’t think she’s even noticed that she’s walking. She’s trying to climb me, the fingers of one hand fisted in my hair and the other hand clawing at my shirt. I have one hand on her ass and the other on the back of her neck as I walk her backward into the elevator. I slide my card and press the number fifteen, but then the elevator dings and she jumps off me just as the door closes.

  “Oh my God!” she shrieks. “Nico!” There’s such real live fear in her eyes that for a moment I think I’ve made the wrong decision and that she is really going to pass out.

  “No, baby. Look.” I grab her face and force her to look in my eyes. “We’re there. Envision it. We’re there in my room, you’re naked in my bed, and you can’t think about anything except my tongue on you. In you.” And then I kiss her just as she opens her mouth. Maybe she was going to tell me to fuck off for sneaking her into an elevator, maybe she was going to start crying, or maybe she was gasping at my crude remark. I never find out, because just then the elevator stops, the door opens, and I carry her out. She’s clinging to me.

  “You did it.” I practically spin her, but when I look at her, she has tears in her eyes, and I realize I fucked up. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Katherine. But look, you’re here. Nothing happened. You’re safe. You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”

  “I know. I’m not mad. I’m glad you did it. I wouldn’t have gotten in there otherwise. I’m just…” She opens and closes her fists. “Too many emotions happening right now.”

  I take her hand, lace my fingers with hers, and pull her into my apartment. Where I can keep her safe. Where I hope she’ll find a respite not just for tonight but for as long as she’ll have me. I want her in my space. I want to see her spread out in my bed, I want to see her using my toaster in the morning, drinking from my glasses. I want to come home after a long shitty day and find her flowery scent on my pillows. I just want her.

  I close the front door, lift her into my arms, and walk straight to the large corner balcony that faces the ocean. I sit down on my big two-person lounge chair, with her still on me.

  “Breathe. Just breathe,” I say. “There’s more going on in your head than in reality. The worst has passed. You’re not in the elevator. You’re outside. Roll with it,” I remind her. But she doesn’t. Her eyes are shut tight and her face is buried on my chest, her hands gripping my shirt. I don’t really know what to do. I run my hand up and down her back. “Can you tell me what exactly you’re thinking right now?” I finally ask.

  She doesn’t respond right away. When at last she says, “I want to go home,” my heart plummets. Immediately she adds, “And I don’t. There’s a lot of what-ifs. What if I had gotten stuck in the elevator? What if I pass out or throw up? What if the lights go off right now in this apartment, or there’s a fire? And oh my God, how do I leave tomorrow? I’m not getting back in that elevator. I have to move in.” If she wasn’t hysterical, I’d laugh.

  “Listen to me,” I say, a little more sternly. “Your mind is playing tricks on you. None of those things are going to happen. You have to know that I wouldn’t let anything happen to you. You’re safe with me. And more than that, let’s do a worst-case-scenario thing here, okay? So you pass out. So what? I’m here. You throw up. So what? We clean you up. Instead of fighting that fear, you should just accept it, roll with it, remember? And tomorrow? We’ll figure it out. We walk down fifteen flights if we have to. Or you move in; I’m fine with that too. Lots of sex, great cooking…yep, I can live with that.”

  She doesn’t laugh. She’s lost in her thoughts, and I’m sure she’s going to use that safe word after all. We sit outside for a while until her breath evens and I know she’s fallen asleep. I carry her to my bed. She stirs a little, and I ask her if it’s okay to get her out of her dress. She reaches down, lifts it up, and throws it aside. For someone who doesn’t get out much, her body is tight and lean, and I can’t help but stare at it before lifting the covers and tucking her in. With the stress of the last hour, I’m exhausted myself. But even though I want to taste every inch of her body, I’ve waited this long already, so I can stand to wait a little longer. Just as long as she’s in my bed in my house, I’m happy.

  As if we’ve done this a million times, she lifts the covers and holds them up for me. I quickly strip down and join her. Pulling her close and holding her tight, I fall asleep in a state of contentment I don’t remember ever feeling.

  And we haven’t even had sex yet.

  Eleven

  Confusion

  Katherine

  Nico held me until I drifted off to sleep, and continued to hold me throughout the night. I know that because when I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel his arms around me. I also notice that the lights in the bathroom are on, and I know for a fact that’s because he’s aware I’m afraid of the dark, coupled with the fact that I’m in a strange place. He did that for me, and my heart grows exponentially.

  I want to fall in love with this man. The thought scares the ever-loving shit out of me, but I want to love him and I want him to love me. The thing is, when you love someone, when you put all your emotions on the line, you are left in a vulnerable state. That person has the ability to crush you. And, being the ete
rnal worrywart that I am, my normal state is already one of dread, with a series of what-ifs constantly running through my mind. And isn’t falling in love the greatest what-if of all? I can see myself becoming dependent on him. He’s basically the only human being I interact with. And if suddenly one day he’s gone, what am I left with? I’m not scared of him walking away from me so much as something happening to him. The people I love die. That’s a reality of my life. I don’t know if I could handle any more tragedy.

  But even if it ends tomorrow, I prefer having had this time with him to not having had him in my life at all. Hard as it is to do, I force the fear away and do my best to move on. As Nico would say, I roll with it.

  I’m on his bed tucked close by his side. His palm is splayed against my belly; his pinkie has inched its way right under the waistband of my panties. His breath is warm against my neck and his beard slightly tickles my shoulder as he sleeps.

  Every muscle in my body aches from being wound so tight. Gently I crawl out of the bed and head to the bathroom to freshen up. I’m a mess: my makeup is all smeared, and my hair is everywhere. I wash off all my makeup and use his brush to tame my hair. I find some mouthwash and rinse out my mouth before going back into the bedroom.

  I thought Nico was fast asleep, but when I lift the covers in order to slide back into bed, he opens his eyes. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

  “Good. Better.” It’s not entirely untrue. “Good” might be a stretch, but I’m not doing all that badly. “I’m sorry. You know…about last night.”

  He pulls me on top of him, my legs on either side of his. “Don’t be sorry.”

  “Okay,” I whisper as I kiss him. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to be present with him. I can’t have a panic attack and then think about the panic attack when I’m not having one. It would be like always being in a fearful state. “So what are we going to do now that you finally got me here?” I ask.

  I assume he’s going to start attacking me. I’m prepared for the clothes-ripping kind of sex, even though we’re mostly naked. But instead he cups my face and looks into my eyes. “I’m going to consume you, corazón.” He doesn’t take his eyes off me. My heart is beating so fast that I’m afraid it’s going to pop out of my chest, but for the first time in a long time, it has nothing to do with my anxiety. What he doesn’t know is I’m already consumed by him. He’s clawed his way into my life and made me see what I’ve been missing. The truth is, I haven’t made any progress in the last few years because I didn’t need to. Everything I needed or wanted has been in my apartment. There hasn’t been a need for anything else. He’s made me want to change and take steps forward—for me, but also because I want to be able to be whole for him.