Pull Me Close: The Panic Series

by Sidney Halston

  I was about to ask more questions when I hear the loud metal door open and then close. We both turn and Dad is walking toward us, chatting and laughing with the warden.

  “Boys. Glad you came to visit.”

  We stand and hug my father, and then he sits across the table from us. “So what’s new? Tell me everything.”

  “Why are you smiling? This isn’t a country club, Dad,” Matt says.

  “I know it’s not.” Our father’s smile fades. “What do you want me to do? Be miserable? I’m trying to make the best of it. Plus, I’m happy you two are here.”

  Matt shakes his head, clearly annoyed. “Make the best of it? We’re carrying your load, struggling every day, and you’re all smiles and laughter? It should be the other way around, don’t you think?”

  “Why are you struggling? Panic not doing well?”

  For the next thirty minutes we talk mostly about Panic. It’s a neutral topic, since we’re just talking business, and Dad is quick to shift into business mode.

  When Dad starts to ask why Panic isn’t doing as well as when he left, however, Matt loses his cool. I know I’m the hothead of us two, but when it comes to Dad, Matt has no patience. He pushes the chair back and says to me, “You know what? I’m done. If he doesn’t understand why he was making all that money to begin with, and why it’s hard now, mostly because we’re cleaning up his shit, I’m not going to be the one to explain it. I’ll be outside with Katie.” And with that he stalks off.

  “Who’s Katie?”

  “My girlfriend,” I say, which seems like a silly term, but what else can I call her?

  Dad sits back with a smile. “Girlfriend? Tell me about her. I want to meet her. Why didn’t she come in?” I hesitate for a moment, but then all the shit that happened between us fades, and I remember the man who raised me. The one I used to talk to about everything.

  “Not much to tell. She’s easy to be with, and she doesn’t expect anything from me other than my company, which is refreshing. She’s the best part of my day,” I admit.

  “I’m glad to hear that, son. I just want you and Matty to be happy,” he admits. “Why don’t you tell her to come in? I’d love to meet her.”

  “I’m not going to bring her inside this place. It’s humiliating enough that she knows you’re here. I know that’s hurtful for you to hear, but I don’t want her to come inside.”

  “I understand.” He sits forward. “Tell me more about Panic, then.”

  And that’s what we do for the next hour. I fill him in. Tell him about Bethany, the shit bartenders, the feds, everything. He needs to understand how much shit he’s put us through and how difficult things have been.

  We run out of things to talk about before the two hours are up.

  I don’t hate my father. I wish I could, but I don’t. For a long time I’ve been angry, but these last few weeks, a lot of that anger has faded. Maybe it’s true and time does heal, or maybe it’s meeting Katherine, or maybe it’s that I’ve given Matt more responsibility. I don’t know, but I’m not so angry anymore. Actually, I’m happy. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

  My dad fucked up, he was a terrible husband, and he lied to us, but he was a good father while we were growing up. He always showed us love and he always gave us the world. So I can’t hate him. I don’t think Matt does either. I think he wants to and the fact that he can’t is what is eating him up. But that’s Matt’s cross to bear. I don’t even think he understands what he’s feeling. So I drop it and hope to God that Matt finds a way to happiness too.

  —

  When I walk out to my car, I find that Katherine and Matt aren’t in the car. Instead, they’re seated on a nearby picnic table talking. They haven’t seen me, but I see Katherine reach across the table and squeeze his hand. They both have their sunglasses on, so I can’t see their eyes, but from the gesture, it looks like she’s consoling him.

  As I get closer, Katherine glances up, sees me, and smiles.

  “You okay?” I ask her, and when she nods I look over her to Matt. “You?”

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “Cool. Then, let’s get outta here, yeah?”

  Katherine

  Chatting with Matt, I learned that he has demons. He hides them well, but still, they’re there. He didn’t tell me much, but when he stormed out of the building and started pacing the prison grounds, I closed my Kindle, hopped out of the car, and went to him. I didn’t say anything; I just sat on the picnic table and watched until he’d stopped pacing and joined me. We didn’t speak about specifics, but he told me he was angry at his dad, and I did what I could to show him that if he wanted a shoulder to lean on or someone who’d listen to him, he could count on me. Then Nico came out and we were off. Neither man wanted to stay in the motel they’d booked in the small town where their father is incarcerated; they preferred to cancel the reservation and stay at their sister’s house, which is a two-hour drive away. So off we go.

  I’m nervous about meeting Julia. Not only because she’s Nico’s sister and I want to make a good impression, but because she’s a psychiatrist and I worry that I’m going to be exposed and analyzed.

  Once we arrive at Julia’s house, we’re exhausted. And it turns out that since she hadn’t been expecting us, she’s on call and at the hospital. So I don’t get a chance to meet her. Plus, the kids are already in bed. I do get to meet Logan, her husband, and he’s very nice and shows us to the guest room, which I share with Nico, while Matt gets the couch in the living room.

  After a quick shower, I get into bed. Leaving the bathroom light on, Nico follows, and pulls me close. Within minutes we are both asleep.

  The next day is surprising as well. The kids are out of school, so they want to go in the pool in their backyard. I didn’t bring swimwear, but Julia is kind enough to lend me one of her suits. So we spend the day in the pool lounging and eating barbecue. I make small talk with Julia and Logan and play with their kids. All in all, everyone’s laid-back and not at all what I had expected.

  Before I know it, it’s Wednesday morning and we need to head back. I’m up before Nico, and Julia is in the kitchen making coffee.

  “Nicky’s happy,” she observes to me.

  “He is,” I say, sipping coffee.

  “I was worried, but I think you guys will be okay. Looks like you’re doing well.” Obviously Nico shared, and she’d been concerned.

  “I am. Going to the doctor in person now, taking meds, getting out of the house. I think I’m going to be okay.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. Nick’s always been the strong one. He takes everything on. Feels as if he has to keep the family together, as if he has to take on everyone’s burden. I’d like to see some of that burden off his shoulders.”

  “I’m going to do my best to make his life easier, not more complicated.”

  “Good. And if you ever need anything, you know where I am, where I work. I doubt you’d want your boyfriend’s protective sister involved, but I can be professional.”

  “I think I’m covered in the doctor department. But thank you for the offer.”

  “Anytime. I really am happy for you two.” She starts to rinse her mug. “Now, if we can do something about Matty…”

  I smile. Julia doesn’t miss a thing.

  “I’ll see what I can do about that too,” I say with a wink. And that is pretty much the extent of Julia’s questions—nothing like the interrogation I’d been expecting.

  By late in the afternoon I’m back in my apartment after having gone on my first trip in years.

  —

  We’ve been back from our short trip for about a week. A week in which there’s a possibility Nico may have moved in with me. He’s slept here every day, and I can’t say it’s in any way unwelcome. To top it off, Geo’s coming over today. I know I met her only a month or so ago, but we’ve been Skyping and emailing often. I really like her and asked her if she could cut my hair since she’s going to be in town. That is, after all, wha
t she does back in Paris when she’s not jet-setting with David—she’s a hairstylist in a very exclusive and trendy salon.

  The boxes of specialty favors have been sitting in a corner of my small apartment for over a week, and she’s coming to see to them. And while she’s here, David’s at Panic with Nico and Matt to discuss some business.

  My phone rings, and I see it’s my sister. “Hi, Rose. You’re back from Madrid?”

  “Yes. It’s beautiful. I ate so much cheese and drank so much wine, Katie. You’d love it there.”

  “I’m sure I will,” I say.

  “What are you up to? You want to come over for dinner?”

  This time I don’t lie. It’s the first time in too many years. “I can’t. I have a friend coming over.”

  “A friend? Really? What friend?”

  “What’s with the third degree?”

  “I didn’t know you had friends. Oh, God.” Almost immediately she adds, “That sounded bad. I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “No worries. And you’re right. I didn’t, but I do now.” I decide it’s time to share a little more. “I also have a boyfriend. Ugh, I hate that word.”

  “What?” she shrieks.

  “His name is Nico. He’s the owner of Panic.”

  “What?” she shrieks louder this time. “Is that where you disappeared to when you left my party? You didn’t tell me. Wait! Why’d we wait so long to get into the club if you’re dating the owner?”

  “I wasn’t dating him then. I met him that day. It’s a long story. How about dinner next week and we’ll catch up?”

  “Can’t. Leaving with Frank to go to Boston. But as soon as we come back, we’re meeting up and you’re telling me all about Nico, this other new friend of yours, and why you sound so different all of a sudden.”

  I laugh into the phone before we say our goodbyes, and I hang up just as there’s a knock on the door. “Katherine, mon amie. How are you?” she says in that elegant accent when I open the door.

  “I’m great,” I say as she kisses me on both cheeks. Looking her over, I add wryly, “God, do you ever just wear jeans?” Even during our Skype sessions she looks so put together.

  I have to admit, I’m a little nervous. Except for Nick and my sister, I haven’t been alone with another person in my apartment. Over Skype I feel brave, but now I’m starting to feel jittery. Still, I’ve been doing so well, and I refuse to let my fear win today. I need this haircut, dammit. I need friends. I need to return to the land of the living.

  “Jeans?” she asks. She crinkles her nose and then bursts out in a fit of laughter. “Dear God, no.”

  In one hand is a designer train case, which I presume is where she keeps her hair-styling tools, and in the other is a bottle of champagne. “Chill this,” she says, handing me the champagne.

  “I made some little panini with prosciutto, basil, and mozzarella. Want one?” I ask.

  “Yes!” she practically squeals as she drops down on my couch. “So, tell me. How are things?”

  “I’m so much better, Geo. I’ve been going out more. We’ve gone to dinner and walked on the beach. I even went on a trip with Nico for a few days. I don’t remember ever being so content,” I say candidly. “And I met you.”

  Her eyes light up, and she scoots close and hugs me. “I’m so glad we met. I feel like we’ve known each other ages, not months.”

  “I know!” I wipe away a tear from my eye before standing up. “Come on, let me show you your boxes of goodies.”

  She follows me, and together we open the boxes. She yelps, squeals, and says some things in French which I think are bad at first, but then I realize she’s happy.

  “Promise me you’ll try to come to the wedding,” she says as she closes up the boxes.

  “Geo…”

  “I know it’s hard, but so is everything else you’ve done in the last months. All I ask is that you try. Make an effort.”

  “I’ll try. Promise.”

  “Okay, good.”

  She pulls the champagne out of my refrigerator, and we sit sipping champagne and laughing like longtime friends about David’s reactions to all things wedding-related.

  After her first glass, she stands and extends her hand to me. “Okay, hair time. Then more champagne. Last time I cut hair when I was drunk, bad things happened.”

  I take her hand and she pulls me up. We push my couch back and set up a chair in the middle of the room. “I don’t want you to see until I’m done. All I need to know is how short is too short.”

  This is harder than I thought. It has been a long, long, long time since I’ve cut my hair. I close my eyes and gesture to my chin. When I open them, Geo is staring at me, and after a moment she breaks out in laughter. “You want Nick to kill me, darling?”

  “It’s my hair. I want it shorter.”

  She pulls out her phone, scrolls through her texts, and then holds the phone out to me. There’s a message from David: Nico says that if you chop off his woman’s hair, he’ll chop off my balls.

  I laugh so hard I spill half my drink. “I’m sure David’s exaggerating. Nico could care less.”

  She scrolls some more and again holds out her phone. This time it’s a text from Nico: You chop off my woman’s hair, I’ll chop off your man’s dick.

  Okay, so he may not want my hair too short.

  I pull my phone out, about to send him a text, and see that I have a number of texts from Nico. One reads, Katherine likes sex. Nico likes having sex with Katherine. Nico can’t properly fuck Katherine with short hair. What would Nico hold on to? Nico sad if Katherine cuts hair.

  I laugh out loud and then realize that Geo is standing over me reading.

  “You Americans are weird,” she says with a shake of her head.

  “He’s probably drunk.” Then I type, Nico has gone crazy. Short hair or not, Katherine will not have sex with a person who talks about himself in the third person.

  He sends back a sad-face emoji, a scissor emoji, and a gun pointed to the emoji. Okay, so he really doesn’t want me to cut my hair. He is, after all, busting out emojis, which he said he’d never do.

  “So, not too short, okay?”

  “I picked up on that,” Geo says with a laugh as she begins to do her thing.

  All I see is small mounds of hair accumulating on the floor and I’m beginning to get really nervous. Like…really nervous.

  Finally, though, she puts down the blow dryer and turns me to face her. She fiddles a little more with the top and then says, “Nick is going to fall more in love with you, mon amie.”

  “Fall in love? Oh, no, Nico’s not in love with me.”

  She laughs. “You’re blind, silly girl.” She begins to put her things away, and when she’s done she looks at her phone. “David says we’re all going to dinner.”

  “We are?” I’m surprisingly not nervous about this news.

  “We are!” She claps excitedly. “You can come, right?”

  “I think I’ll be okay, so yes, I’ll go.”

  “Good.” She sits back down and pours a glass of champagne. “Don’t hurt Nick. You try really, really hard to get better, okay?”

  “I am. I would never intentionally hurt him.”

  My eyes begin to well up. I don’t cry often, but what if I do hurt him? What if I can’t get better?

  She rushes over to me. “Shit! Nick will kill me for upsetting you.”

  “No, no. You didn’t upset me. It’s just that I’m scared. The entire thing is scary. I’ve become this whole new person and I have this man with me now, and if I fail…God, I don’t want to fail.”

  “You won’t.” She brings me into a hug. “You love him. You will not fail.”

  Nico

  I want my woman with me at the wedding. I want to show her Paris. I want to dance with her out in public in a place full of people at my best friend’s wedding. It’s been a long day at Panic, and David gave me a lot to think about tonight. He wants me to open up a club with him in Paris. He br
ought numbers, spreadsheets, and a kick-ass concept. He wants me to stay in France for a few weeks after the wedding to meet some of the investors and check out the location. Also, a band he’s been scoping out for the last six months is playing in Paris the day after the wedding, and he wants me to go check them out with him before he leaves on his honeymoon. I don’t want to be away from Katherine for that long, which is another reason I need her to come with me to that wedding.

  I texted her an hour ago about dinner with David and Geo, and she said she was good to go, which surprised me somewhat. Lately she’s been going out more and more, with less coercing needed. And last month, when I had to wake her in the middle of the night after I got off work, I just declared I was making a copy of her key. She didn’t fight me. In fact, she said it was a good idea and then took out her spare and just handed it to me. So today I just open the door of her apartment and walk in.

  “Corazón, I’m here. We’re late,” I yell out as I lock the door behind me.

  Julius immediately jumps up, and I grab him, pet his head, and then set him down. “We’ll play later, Julius.” I’m about to knock on her bathroom door when she steps out.

  My heart stops.

  “Oh. Sorry. Didn’t hear you,” she says, her hand on my chest. “You look so handsome. You trimmed your beard.” She runs her fingers through it.

  “You cut it.”

  She touches the ends of her hair, which rest on her shoulders but are all full of layers and big curls, bouncy and shiny.

  “A little.”

  “Not a little. A lot.” I step back and take her all in. Before I left this morning, her hair touched her ass; now it goes only down to her shoulders. She’s wearing a short black dress that’s way up on her thighs. She’s never shown that much skin in public before, but we’ve also never gone to a fancy place before. Her heels are high and strappy and wrap around her ankle and I’m unsure how she’s going to walk in those. “I…it’s just…wow,” is all I can stammer.

  She steps past me. “I know it’s a lot shorter, Nico. But really, it’s not short. You hate it, don’t you? Well, I needed a cut. It’ll grow back in no time. I hope—”