by A. m Madden
“How are you holding up, Mr. Carter?” she asked, scanning the clipboard listing her stats.
I wanted to snap, Wasn’t it obvious? Instead, I quietly voiced, “Terrified.”
“I’m sure… but she’s in good hands.”
I held my breath while she continued to scan the paperwork before moving to the monitor beside her bed. “Why isn’t she awake yet?”
“It could take some time. I do see her vitals have improved. Her hemoglobin concentration is on track, and blood pressure looks good.”
“Is the worst over?” I dared to ask, dared to hope.
“Yes.” Her one-word response gave me the first taste of optimism since I’d walked in that fucking hospital. “It’ll take a few hours for her hemoglobin to increase, but her vitals are good, which is a positive sign. She’s been through a lot and needs the sleep.”
“What’s next, after she wakes?” I asked.
“She’ll stay in ICU overnight and be moved to a regular room tomorrow. If all goes well, she could be released in a day or so.”
A few days still seemed like an eternity. God, how I wished I could blink and have those few days be over with. More than that, I wanted to get Riana home and start our lives together. When she patted my shoulder and left, I resumed my position—Riana’s hand pressed to my forehead as I waited for her to wake.
“Ryder.”
My head jolted up to see Cooper hesitantly standing at the door, holding my bag. I wasn’t ready to see him or talk to him… so I ignored him. I got he was ecstatic his girls were born healthy and happy, but I couldn’t share in that joy quite yet.
Undeterred, he placed it by the door and slowly walked closer to stand behind me. “I’m sorry,” he said, not bothering beating around the bush. “I was out of line.”
“Ricky told you my story.” I called him out.
“Yes, but I would’ve apologized regardless.” Without releasing her hand, I twisted to look him in the face. “I would be in the same state as you are if our roles were reversed. But my sister was right… we were fighting over who loves her more. It’s not a competition. She deserves every ounce of love she gets.”
“She deserves everything.” My relationship with Cooper had always been rocky. But right then and there, we agreed to keep our thing from Riana, and to work it out on our own. I didn’t have a doubt we wouldn’t. In hindsight, I may have held him responsible for the decision she made on their behalf. It really wasn’t fair to him.
“She’ll be fine, Ryder.”
I gave him a nod and turned back to look at her. “I know.” And I did. I knew better than anyone that when Riana wanted to do something for someone, no one could stop her. Now it was time for her to do something for herself. “Wake up, baby.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Riana
“Ree, baby. I’m here. Wake up…” His smooth, deep voice seemed so close, but when the last few words faded, I second-guessed if he were truly nearby.
Stuck between dreaming and trying to wake, it felt like I was underwater, floating just beneath the surface.
“Ree, can you hear me?”
I struggled to respond. After a few moments passed, deciding it was indeed a dream, I succumbed to sleep once again. Suddenly, I could feel a warm hand squeeze mine. If he was there, then why couldn’t I see him?
“She’s stirring,” he said to someone. “Baby. Come on, wake up.”
I tried. Nothing worked right—my eyes wouldn’t open, my mouth wouldn’t speak, my hand wouldn’t return his touch. It all felt like a cruel joke, a dream that I couldn’t snap out of. I began to panic, until the sound of his voice and the comfort of his touch settled the anxiety that I felt clawing inside me.
His strong hand lifted mine before warm lips kissed it. I released a frustrated tear because of my failure to get to him.
“She’s crying,” Ryder said in a pained voice. “Is she hurting?” The desperation he felt was unmistakable in the strangled tone of his voice. It was he who seemed in pain, because of me. Yet I hurt too… everything hurt.
“She’s gaining consciousness. At times that’s confusing. If she is in pain, the morphine will alleviate it very soon,” someone said. That same woman’s voice asked, “Riana, can you hear us? You’re almost there. Can you move your head? Squeeze Ryder’s hand?”
Putting every bit of effort into that one task, I miraculously tightened my fingers around his. “She heard you. She’s squeezing my hand,” he said excitedly. I wanted to hear that joy in his voice again. I sucked in a breath to try to speak. Ignoring the pain, my second attempt produced an unintelligible groan. “Come on, baby. Just open your eyes. Please.”
Slowly, I did as he asked but only for them to slam shut a second later. Nothing registered, and I had no idea where I was. If opening them couldn’t happen, if speaking couldn’t, either, then I needed to focus on trying to squeeze his hand again. As he coaxed, gently kissing my hand that was entwined with his, I repeated the motion. “Yes, baby. I felt that. I feel you. You’re almost there.”
“She’s close,” the woman’s voice said. “It shouldn’t be too much longer.”
“Is there anything I can do to help her?”
“Keep talking to her,” she responded. “I’ll give you some privacy.”
It all felt like a cruel joke. Who was that? Where was I?
I tried to conjure the memories that were buried in the back of my mind. Hazy dreams came to mind, but I couldn’t remember specific details. Horrible contractions, everything seemed normal, and then everything became rushed. I remembered the OR. I remembered Cooper holding my hand. His smiling through tears when first one baby came, then another. Suddenly, those in scrubs began demanding things in panicked voices that I barely understood before everything went dark.
Dragging in another deep breath and wincing from the pain that sliced across my belly, I forced my eyes open. Ryder looked directly into them while smiling wide. “Hey, beautiful. I’ve missed you.”
Hearing him should have snapped me out of whatever it was I suffered from that prevented the simplest motor skills. Yet I was still unable to keep my eyes open. They once again fluttered shut, and sheer frustration helped me garner the strength to squeeze his hand to continue communicating that I was trying.
“I know, baby. I know. I’m not going anywhere. You take your time,” he said softly, caressing the back of my hand with his thumb.
Pure determination had the third attempt working. I lifted my lids to stare at Ryder. I could see tears shimmering in his blue eyes as he raised our hands and kissed the back of mine.
Afraid that if I looked away he’d vanish, I continued to stare as questions flooded my mind. Needing to hear what happened, I began to ask, “What… ,” but the rest of the words failed me. My mouth was so dry that I swallowed to bring some moisture to it before trying again. “What… happened?” In an instant, Ryder’s smile faded. I knew by the look on his face that whatever he was about to say caused him a tremendous amount of pain. “How are the girls? Are they okay?”
“They’re fine, baby. Do you remember anything?”
I went to admit that I did, but it came out as a croak instead. Lifting a shaky hand, I gripped my throat on another painful swallow. He quickly poured out a cupful, holding it closer. The relief was instant, and I was able to say, “After they were born, something went wrong.” Before I could add anything else, Dr. White walked in with a nurse close behind.
“Riana.” She came to the other side of my bed and shined a small flashlight into my eyes. “Can you follow the light?” My eyes tracked the movement as she slid it back and forth. “Great. Are you in pain?”
I nodded. “When I… breathe in.”
“Your pain meds will alleviate it very soon. Do you remember your delivery?”
“Barely.” With her eyes trained on my face, I waited for her to fill me in on the pieces I couldn’t put together on my own.
“Well, as I explained to Ryder, you had a placenta a
ccreta.” My brow creasing forced her to explain. “The placenta attached to your uterine wall, probably sometime in the last few weeks.” She ran through the reasons that would happen and explained it was usually not something preventable or even detectable.
“Will I…” I stopped to look at Ryder, who hung on my words. But I needed to know. “Will I be able to have children of my own?”
Dr. White, understanding my concern, squeezed my hand. “We won’t know the extent of the damage to your uterus until you heal. If you carry your own child, a C-section would be imperative. If not, there are, as you know, many other options for you. Your ovaries are fine, so other possibilities are available to you.” She gave me a sympathetic smile. “Let’s get you back to normal first before we worry about all that.”
“Okay,” I said, avoiding Ryder’s questioning eyes.
Dr. White gave directives to the nurse beside her regarding diet and medication. She then scribbled something in my chart and said, “I’ll be back before my shift ends to check on you. Rest now. If you’re sleepy, sleep.”
Ryder and I watched her walk out with the nurse following. He searched my face for an answer that I wasn’t ready to give. Tears welled, from frustration, maybe, or hormones?
“Baby, please don’t cry. You’ll be fine. You did it, and you’ll be just fine.”
“I can’t help it.” Using my free hand, I swiped away the tears.
He looked completely lost as to what to do.
I kept falling in and out of sleep, not knowing how long I slept each time. But Ryder never left me. Each time I woke, and looked at his sad face, I’d start crying again.
Sometime later, Cooper and Ricky walked in, carrying a huge floral monstrosity. “Are we interrupting?” Ricky asked when he saw me still wiping away tears.
“No… no. I’m just a mass of emotions.”
Ryder kissed my hand before releasing it. “I’m going to give you guys some privacy. I’ll be back.”
On his way out, he exchanged a very terse glance with Cooper, who then placed the flowers on the windowsill. “You scared the crap out of us. How are you feeling, Ree?”
Not wanting to harp on my pain, physical or emotional, I pointed to the IV beside me. “Fine thanks to that. How are the girls?” Ricky hastily pulled out his phone and tapped a few times before twisting it toward me. There they were… the angels I’d carried. Both blonde, both beautiful. And just like that my waterworks began all over again. “They’re gorgeous.”
“I think it’s fairly obvious who their daddy is,” Cooper said with a smirk.
“What can I say? My sperm are faster than yours.”
I chuckled and then winced. “Don’t make me laugh. Do we have names yet?”
“Rachel… for Riana, and Ricky,” Cooper said.
“And Caroline… for Carter, and Cooper,” Ricky concluded.
“I love that and thank you. That means so much to me.”
They both smiled. “Rachel was born first,” Ricky said, shoving his phone back in his pocket.
“Where are they now?”
“The NICU.” My concern forced him to wave a hand. “Just precaution since they’re technically premature. But they’re doing great and should be released in a few days.”
“Just in time for Thanksgiving.”
“Yeah,” he said sadly.
Ricky glanced at Cooper, who added, “If you’re still here, we want to bring the celebration to you. Not sure the staff will allow all of us here, but even if we take shifts to be with you, then we will.”
“You guys don’t have to do that. I have Ryder.” I hoped I’d be released by then. I really looked forward to getting home and back to normal.
“Well, you know us… we don’t care what you say,” Ricky said with a cheeky grin. “Also, the nurse we hired will be waiting for you once you get home.”
“I meant to talk to you about that. Now that I live with Ryder, that’s not necessary.”
They exchanged a glance before Cooper said, “Humor us. Even if she comes for a few hours a day. We’ll feel better.”
“Okay,” I said, knowing Ryder wouldn’t be happy with someone else caring for me full-time.
“And we can’t wait for you to meet the girls.”
“Me too,” I said as cheerfully as I could muster.
When I leaned my head back on the pillow and closed my eyes—really to shield them from the sadness I felt—they took that as a sign of exhaustion.
“We’ll let you rest.” Cooper leaned closer and kissed my forehead, Ricky followed suit, and no sooner had they walked out than the tears began again.
Despair hit hard over the dire reality that the girls could be the only children I ever carried. Emotional exhaustion hit harder from the deluge of tears I shed over what I’d been through and lost. Did I really lose something I never really wanted? I didn’t know. It was overwhelming, and I was too tired to pick apart the psychology of it all.
Yet, despite my fatigue, sleep never came.
On Thanksgiving morning, I shuffled into the condo, trying not to grimace from the pain. Scattered around my living room were the floral arrangements Ryder had taken home the night before. Aesthetically they were a gorgeous welcome, but it wasn’t their scent that had assaulted me.
“It smells amazing in here,” I said, catching a whiff of the dinner he had hired a cook to make for us. The woman smiled from where she whipped what appeared to be mashed potatoes. “I have a small turkey baking, and a small roast beef… just in case.”
Surprisingly, the mention of turkey didn’t bring with it the aversion I’d become used to. “Thank you. It sounds delicious.”
“We’ll be in our room, Mona.”
“No problem, Mr. Carter.” Ryder held my hand with each deliberate step I made through the quiet apartment. I allowed him to lead me right into the bedroom, missing my sweet dog Kayla’s boisterous greeting. Her not being there was for the best, and on Rebecca’s insistence, Ryder had dropped Kayla at her house before coming to get me.
“Your nurse will be here in an hour to check on you and make sure you’re comfortable. But after that, she’ll be on a standby basis.”
I smiled, not at all surprised over his claim. “Okay.”
He gently removed my shoes and tucked me beneath the comforter. Being in my bed caused an immediate sigh. Ryder smiled at me as he unpacked my bag next and lined up the hospital directives I’d been sent home with, along with the pain meds and an antibiotic.
When he leaned over me to kiss my forehead, the tears came again.
“Baby,” he said pained. “What can I do?”
I wish I knew. The conflicting emotions warring within my heart, loss and sadness just to name a few, left me confused. All I could focus on was the possibility that I wouldn’t be able to carry another child.
Ryder was concerned. My constant crying with each hour that passed became harder for him to see. It was also harder for me to hide my sorrow. I hated myself for wallowing over something that I never really wanted when I had so much to be thankful for, but I couldn’t get my body to cooperate. I couldn’t stop the depression from taking over.
My rock throughout this ordeal had been Ryder. It hurt my heart he had to endure reliving fear and panic he had been touched with when his sister-in-law died. All that happened to me affected him as well, which aggravated my anxiety. He hadn’t pushed me to talk about it, but I knew it was a matter of time.
My grief felt like a steel weight. The intense contradicting feelings that battled in my heart exhausted me, like squirrels chasing each other at play. Round and round the confused feelings went, bouncing between sorrow and happiness. Through it all, the tears never stopped.
Ryder sat on the bed again and held my hand. “You need to talk to me. I know you’ve been through a lot, but I’m scared, Ree.”
Concerned about me, Cooper had told Ryder that part of my surrogacy contract called for counseling after the babies were born. Based on the early signs of my depress
ion, they both wanted me to follow through.
Truth no matter what.
It had been something I’d preached to him since the day we reunited.
As I debated how to be honest, without hurting him in the process, he searched my face anxiously. “I haven’t been honest with you these past few months. I kept things from you, and I did it because of all the crap you had to deal with at work, but also because I knew it would upset you.” He waited out my pause, working a swallow. “I loved being pregnant. Sure, the morning sickness wasn’t fun, but otherwise, feeling those babies growing in me was an amazing thing to experience.” His fingertips wiped away a tear that rolled. “And now, I have to deal with the fact that may never happen because of my complications. But besides that, I must come to terms that it isn’t fair to want something I never did before, and something you never will.”
The pain my admission caused was clear as day. “Ree, I just lived through my worst nightmare… sitting helplessly while you fought for your life, being able to do nothing about it. And then waiting for you to come out of it at all. It may have only been a few hours or so, but it may as well have been a lifetime. I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.”
I nodded, looking down at his hand wrapped around mine. “I know. This is me. I have to come to terms with it.” Raising my wet eyes to meet his, I added, “But if I have to choose between you and a baby… I choose you.”
My claim did nothing to eliminate his tortured expression. “I love you, Ryder. This is all on me. I’m so thankful to be here with you, and I’m anxious to get on with our lives.”
He didn’t look convinced, but kissed me sweetly and said, “I love you too… and want the same.”
Ryder and I ended up having a nice quiet Thanksgiving with video calls to his parents and to our friends. We then spent the evening wrapped in each other’s arms, watching a movie while lost in our own thoughts.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Ryder
December