Soundtracks of a Life

by Carina Lupo

  “That was beautiful.” he says. I smile at him and continue writing the music. He starts to examine the myriad of papers spread on top of the piano.

  “This is music for strings...” he says looking puzzled.

  “Yup.” I finally finish writing and give him my full attention. “I’m thinking of expanding the band a bit.”

  “Oh… I see,” he says uncertain of what I had just told him.

  “We need to have an extended band that can join us for recordings and shows.” I take a moment looking at his face. “You seem a bit not thrilled with the idea.”

  “It’s just, I don’t know, the band is us, the four of us, and I don’t want to lose that feeling.”

  “But we wouldn’t really. Many bands have extra musicians that join in for tours and stuff, but the band remains composed by the original members.”

  “Yeah I guess so. It’s just a new idea, I just have to get used to it.”

  “I think that was the source of my problems when we were recording last. I was constricted by arrangements with just the four of us and I was not getting the sound I wanted. I need more…”

  “I can understand that.” He replies smiling. “Want me to run all this by the guys?”

  “Sure,” I say, grateful for his immediate support. “I’ll call Susan.”

  **************

  “You’ve reached the offices of Susan Carmichael, may I help you?”

  “Hey Kristina, Lorelai, is Susan around?”

  “Hey Lori, yeah she is here, I’ll transfer you right away.”

  “Suuuuusan”, I say cheerfully as soon as she picks up.”

  “Are you drunk?”

  “Wait, what? No!”

  “Oh ok, sorry! You’ve been gloomy lately… I just assumed…” she let her words trail off.

  “I’ll let that one slide…” I say amused. “Anyway, I need a few things. I want to head back to the studio soon. I’ve spoken to the guys already, I’ve been working on some new stuff and I want to expand our sound but I can’t do that with just us. I need an extended band. So I need you to schedule some auditions for new musicians. I’m looking for a piano player, I want Chris mainly playing guitar now, and also I want to add a string section probably to the tune of a violinist and a cello? Maybe… probably.” I say trailing off as my mind wandering about the sounds I want to get.

  “Okay, geez you’re going 100 miles per hour there, take it easy. Alright, so strings huh? Interesting.”

  “Yeah is that a problem?

  “No not at all. I’ll have Kristina schedule some auditions. When are you coming back?”

  “How soon can you get that going?”

  “In a couple of days, how does that sound? I have a couple of musicians in mind already actually.”

  “That’s what I want to hear. Work your magic baby!” I say and hang up.

  **************

  Susan hangs up and stares at the phone for a moment, shaking her head. She wonders if she will ever understand Lorelai. Mercurial woman if she ever met one. One day she is all gloom and doom, next day she calls all happy and ready to go. Artists… she shakes her head again and starts making some calls.

  Chapter 26

  “So are you happy with the new musicians?” Susan asks me in the studio while we are getting ready to record again. The band is excited with the new changes and everyone is in high spirits.

  “I’m very happy! They are great, perfect for what I had in mind.”

  “How good is Ann Sterling, huh?

  “Ooooh she is an awesome violinist! And so cool too, I think I might have a girl crush!” I say laughing.

  “It will be good for you to have another girl on tour.”

  “Well hopefully she can survive a tour, being on tour with the guys is not for the faint of heart!”

  Susan laughs. That moment Kristina comes in the studio with Sierra and hands her to me.

  “I’ve walked her and she has done her duty. Where do you want me to leave her?”

  Susan gives me a major evil eye, “You got a dog????” The pitch of her voice is higher than I ever recall.

  “Yes...” I answer sheepishly.

  “Lorelai, do you know how hard it is to have a dog on tour?”

  “Oh come on, can’t be that hard! I don’t know… we can hire someone to be official dog sitter or something. Look at this face how could I deny this cutie face?” I pick up Sierra and point her furry face at Susan smiling.

  Susan takes a deep breath and rolls her eyes at me. “Fine, it’s actually not a bad idea, I’ve been begging you to get your own assistant now for a long time, so now you can’t deny it anymore. We’ll get you an assistant that can also take care of your dog.”

  On that note, Kristina turns to Susan just as she is leaving and says, “by the way, I think I need a raise!” Obviously still not that thrilled that she had just picked up dog poop as one of her jobs. I knew I was pushing it when I asked her…

  “That’s all your fault!” Susan says to me trying to sound mad but she couldn’t hide the hint of an amused smile.

  That moment Ted comes poking his head into the studio. “Is it safe to come out now?”

  “Yes Ted, the coast is clear.”

  “Oh okay”, he answers, looking at Susan. “We didn’t want to be here when she broke out the news of the dog to you!”

  “What are you talking about? I was thrilled by the idea!” She says to him sarcastically and once again gives me the evil eye.

  “Well I do think it’s a great idea.” Chris jumps in taking my side.

  “Oh Chris! I have a gift for you…” I say excitedly when I see him. “I’ve been eagerly waiting to give it to you!” Susan and the guys stare at us with curiosity.

  “As we all know, last time we were in the studio, your guitar, may she rest in peace, died of unnatural causes …” Chris looks away really embarrassed now, “and I felt somewhat guilty, so I took the liberty to order you a new one. I talked to Paul Reed Smith himself, and he personally oversaw the making of this beauty, so hope you like it!” I reach over to the corner wall of the studio and pick up the cream-colored tweed guitar box and hand it to Chris.

  He opens the box with the eagerness of a little kid on Christmas morning. James lets out a whistle when he sees the guitar. “It’s a private stock built in Quilted Maple hollow body, Blue Tourmaline Burst color, with collection 57/08 pickups and abalone helix inlays…” I say, not able to hold back my guitar geek excitement.

  “Wow Lor… geez, I’m a bit speechless, it’s the most awesome guitar I’ve ever seen!”

  “Wait until you play it!” I say with a big smile, experiencing that rewarding feeling you get when you give someone a special present and you get to partake in their enjoyment of it.

  That moment, Chris closes the distance between us in one rapid fluid movement, like it was the most natural thing in the world, gives me a loving tender kiss on the lips… completely forgetting, in his overwhelmed state, that we were in front of everyone. I froze in place. Ted and James look at me, equally frozen, with shock in their eyes.

  “Chris!” I say a bit shocked and take a step backwards. I recompose quickly and immediately jump into damage control. “Geez, man, I knew you would like it, but come on!” I give him a nervous laugh.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” he says to me in a mix of shock and embarrassment. “Sorry…” he says once more, looking as red as a lobster.

  “It’s okay. I would probably kiss any of you in the lips if you have given me a guitar like that, even Susan!” The guys laugh, trying hard to look causal. “Let’s go,” I say eager to change the subject not daring to look at Susan, “we can start jamming to warm up this way Chris can get used to his new ride.”

  After jamming for a while throwing some ideas around, we take a break before we start with the actual recording. That moment, Susan pulls me to the side to talk to me privately. I was completely expecting that to happen.

  “Sooo…” she says to me calmly, “w
hat was that all about? And don’t give me some BS Lorelai. You may have smoothly walked out of that but I’m not THAT stupid. Anyone can see he has feelings for you.”

  “Yeah we need to talk.” I say truthfully, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it…” I was actually ready to let her know, it was gnawing at me hiding it any longer, but it was hard now that so much time had gone by. I needed to choose my timing well and this was not it.

  “Do you have feelings for him?” She asks me. I can tell that while she is obviously aware we are in love she has no idea of how long this been going on. I look to the floor and rub my eyes uncomfortably.

  “Yes, but it’s more complicated than that Susan. And I do want to talk to you about it, but not now… please. I can’t get into all that now… after we finish recording the album. I promise.”

  “Okay,” she says to me, “don’t worry about it now. Let’s get this album done! Finally!”

  I take a breath of relief appreciating that she had cut me some slack, “yes let’s do it!” I say excited.

  For our brand new session, the first song[6] we decide to record is the one I composed up in the Lake Tahoe house. It’s a perfect example of our new sound with a piano and string section added at the end of the song. It’s quite different from our previous songs but then again, that was the point.

  We finish recording the strings session at the end of the song and wait for the recording light on the studio wall to go off holding our breath quietly. The band is pumped. There is this certain magic feeling in the air… something you get during the creative process when you know you got something good going. Martin, the sound engineer, comes on the intercom in the studio. “Is this the same band that was here last?” I can see him smiling in the recording both. We can also hear Susan respond excitedly. “No it is not! It’s definitely not.”

  Once this first song is done, recording of the remainder of the album goes the opposite way from the last time we were here. Instead of being laborious and difficult, it all goes smoothly and effortless. The sounds just seem to flow out of us naturally and quickly the songs are born and an album we are very happy with starts coming into shape.

  When we wrap up recoding and the album goes into the final production stages, the pace of our schedule picks up dramatically. Grammy nominations had come in and we were nominated in the main categories for the album we had put out the previous year. That resulted in many public appearances on TV and radio. Added to the work, we were also starting rehearsals for our new tour that was due to launch a couple of weeks following the Grammy’s, with one preview show happening in LA the day after the Grammys. It’s a publicity move since we are pegged to be the big winners of the night. Promoters wanted to create a lot of buzz for the tour and there would be no better time to do it than when the Grammy spotlight was on us. We hardly have time to breathe. There is no time for personal lives and no time to think about anything else other than work. Before we know it, the Grammy day is upon us, unfortunately for me the ceremony coincidentally fell on the very same date of the anniversary of my sister’s death.

  Chapter 27

  The Grammy’s were scheduled on a different date every year, based on a myriad of factors including the best TV schedule for the show to be aired. How odd that it turned out to be, that the most important day of my career should be on the worst day of my life. In the end, the truth is, there is always something scheduled on that date. Unfortunately, it’s not like the 13th floor of hotel buildings. You don’t get to skip it just because it has bad feelings attached to it. Needless to say, it is an extremely difficult day for me. Back when I was doing therapy, my doctor said I should try to avoid putting too much feeling into those specific dates and to try to think of them as just another regular day. Yeah right! Easier said than done... It is like asking people to think of September 11th as just another day. You can’t because the intensity of the events of that day tore through the fabric of society and each of us individually changing that specific date forever. Days like these are never just another day. They have their own way of making everything else around them seem different… less meaningful, less appropriate, or just less enjoyable. Who would pick September 11th for their weeding day? I wouldn’t pick the anniversary of my sister’s death to celebrate the Grammy’s either but alas it’s not my choice and I will just have to try to do the best I can.

  Its Grammy morning and we are all gathered in the restaurant of our LA hotel having breakfast. I had hardly slept an ounce the night before. Struggling to maintain the feelings that this day always bring at bay, but so far failing miserably. I tossed and turned in bed reliving the memories of that dreadful day and playing the ‘what if’ game. What if we had taken a minute longer to eat our breakfast? Just a few seconds would have changed everything… I don’t really have to explain how useless that train of thought was. Nonetheless, it was difficult not falling prey to it. When I finally fell asleep, out of pure exhaustion, I had one of my horrible nightmares and that was the end of my sleeping night. I wished Chris was there with me… he always managed to make me feel better somehow, but with so much attention turned on us right now we didn’t want to be seen together. This IS LA after all.

  I’m trying hard to put on a happy face for the guys this morning. I know this is a big night for all of us and I don’t want to be a bummer, but the dark feelings inside me are stronger than my will. I can feel myself descending into that all too familiar depression these godforsaken days always bring in me. I poke my food around in my plate, my head down, certainly not feeling very hungry.

  “After breakfast the driver is taking you guys to the Staples Center where you will rehearse for tonight’s performance,” Susan says in her usual efficient tone. We don’t say anything so she continues now looking directly at me. “After rehearsals, you go to your hairstylist and make-up appointment.”

  I just take a deep sigh. “Do I have to?”

  “No, go with that “night of the living dead” look you have right now, very glamorous,” she snaps at me, and then directs her attention to the guys. “After rehearsal the car will bring you guys back to the hotel. You can rest then start getting dressed. I want you all dressed and ready to go by 3:30pm sharp! The limo will be waiting for you.”

  We finish our breakfast and then pile into the back of the big black SUV waiting for us outside of the hotel and brave the LA traffic on our way to the Staples Center.

  Once there, we are directed towards the stage, where the show director tells us when our performance is going to take place during the ceremony. We move in between busy crewmen towards the stage to start our rehearsal. It’s going to be a huge number, a big production with laser lights, huge LCD screens and pyrotechnics. It’s all very cool looking, the guys are super pumped and having a blast. Me, I was struggling a bit, feeling angry with myself because I wanted so bad to be enjoying this.

  After we are done, Susan meets up with us and takes me to her limo to go to the hairstylist appointment. The guys get to take the SUV back to the hotel room to get some rest. Men have it so easy!

  I sit at the posh hair salon for the stars getting my hair done and thinking hairstylists must be the happiest, most excited people on earth, my current mood clashing heavily with this energy level. I just try to be nice and smile along as the guy talks and talks and talks away, cracking himself up constantly. After that, I have to endure the equally happy make-up lady, and then onto the not so happy nail lady, who keeps bashing my very short fingernails. She can’t do much for them. How can she work with such short nails? I play guitar lady… get over it!

  Normally, I would have enjoyed all this, what girl doesn’t like to be primped and pampered for a day, but today, I wanted to poke my eyes out with a fork.

  We finally get back to the hotel and I’m beyond tired. I get to my room and all I want to do is to crash in bed, but in comes Susan busying me along.

  “Come on! It’s almost time to go, you need to get ready. Your dress and shoes are hanging in the
bedroom.”

  I hold my head with my hands and take a seat on the living room sofa.

  “I can’t do this. I don’t want to be here,” I say, finally giving in to the meltdown I could feel coming.

  “What are you talking about this is your big night! Come on.”

  “I’m not doing this, I want to go home. I want to go visit my sister’s grave.”

  “What? Yeah that is an excellent idea! That went so well for you last time you did it.” I look at her angrily at that last comment but she only returns the same angry look at me.

  “Stop screwing with my patience Lorelai. Please. I’m sick and tired of having to handle you like a volatile bomb that may explode at any moment. For heaven sakes… this is supposed to be a great day for you!”

  I feel overwhelmed and so tired… I feel helpless and my eyes start to tear up.

  “No no no, you can’t cry now… you’re going to ruin your make up.” Susan hands me a tissue and puts her hand in my head. “I’m sorry okay. I know you are trying… I’m stressed too. Here…” she picks up her purse now, opens it and takes a little orange container and hands me a small pill. “Take it. It’s Xanax. It’ll help you.” I take the small pill from her and swallow it without a second thought. “I don’t usually push drugs onto my clients, quite the contrary actually,” she gives me small laugh, cracking herself up, “but if ever someone could use it is you.” She then looks at the container for a moment and then pops one pill too. “God help us…” she says. “Come on, I’ll help you get dressed.”

  When I get downstairs, I can’t help but let out a huge smile when I see the guys. They all look so very handsome in their suits and ties. Chris looks to die for in his black suit, black shirt and tie. Even in my fragile state I can still fell a warm feeling inside me when I look at him. He smiles when he sees me. “You look gorgeous.” He says. “You’re not looking bad yourself,” I reply.

  We all hop into the limo and take the ride back to Staples. It takes what seems to be like an eternity. The traffic into the venue slows to a creep since you have to wait in line for all the limos to unload its passengers at the entrance. The guys are chatting excitedly with one another. I’m just quietly staring out the window feeling unusually calm and a bit floaty, the drug definitely working its magic. I keep thinking about my family and how I wish they could be here today. All the guys had given tickets to their families who were going to be in attendance tonight. My eyes start to weal up with the sadness that thought brings me.