Soundtracks of a Life

by Carina Lupo

  “You wrote that just now, at 4am in the dark of my living room? Just like that?”

  “Ah, yeah… It kind of just came to me.”

  “Fuck…” she says surprising me, “that’s amazing, I fucking hate you.” She says laughing. “I have the voice but never had the musical talent to write my own material. I dabbled with it with the help of more talented writers but I could never pull something like this off.”

  “Well I can’t sing like you do either, I guess we all have our own unique talents.”

  “Yeah, I suppose so. I am truly grateful for my talent, don’t get me wrong, but I do admire people like you. I guess that’s what I mean. Can you play and sing it for me?”

  “Well, I don’t want to wake your husband.”

  “Harold?” she laughs, “when he is asleep a nuclear explosion couldn’t wake him, it’s amazing really.”

  I laugh. “Okay, if you say so.” I start playing the melody[7] and singing the lyrics, Lara actually joins in with some backing vocals and it sounds amazing, her vocal quality is absolute perfection.

  “Wow,” she says when the song is over, “That’s beautiful.”

  “Thanks,” I say shyly.

  “So… who is this song for huh?” she asks me like it’s no big deal. I just look at her not sure what to say.

  “Come on, I know this is about someone. You’re very talented honey, but you won’t convince me you just pulled something like this out of your ass.” It still surprised me hearing her say stuff like that. The woman had the mouth of a sailor. You really would never know just by looking at her.

  I don’t answer and just let out a nervous laugh not able to look her directly in the eyes.

  “Oh this is juicer than I thought. Come on. Who is the lucky fellow?”

  “Chris Henderson, the guitarist in my band.” It actually felt good to finally tell someone outside the band.

  “Oh…he is hot!”

  I laugh and agree, “Yeah, very hot.”

  “Ah, but I see wherein lies the trouble. Band relationships are not easy. Does Susan know?”

  “No! At first she actually banned any relationships between band members. Like, she explicitly mentioned kicking any of the guys out of the band if they hooked up with me. But by now I don’t believe she would do that anymore. The problem is we’ve been hiding it for so long, I really don’t know how to break it to her.”

  I had no idea why I was sharing so much but there was something about her that made me comfortable speaking freely.

  “I can’t shake the feeling now that I screwed up badly yesterday,” I continue. “Well… I know I messed up the whole day yesterday in so many ways… as usual… but what’s keeping me awake is not having talked to Chris after I took off. I wasn’t thinking properly…”

  “I think you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I think you are doing the best you can and most people know that.” Lara offered, “Most of us can only imagine how you keep on living after everything you’ve been through.”

  “You don’t. Not really anyway. You either go crazy, end your own life or you go on but a part of you is dead.” I pause, look up into her sincere, caring eyes and for a moment there is only silence between us. “Turns out I’ve actually tried all three of those choices… but after I met Chris things changed. It took me a while to realize it and I ended up hurting him in the process. Now I’m trying to make him see that I’ve really changed. I’m so in love with him it hurts… and it’s finally a good hurt. Life is not such a burden anymore you know? I’m happy to be alive for the first time in such a long time!”

  At that moment, the sun starts to poke its head out on the horizon, the skyline lighting up in a stunning burst of orange and blue.

  “Crap, its sunrise already!” Lara says surprised. “Harold will be up soon and I haven’t even made it to bed again.”

  “Sorry I’ve kept you up!” I say but she immediately dismisses it. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll get changed and get going. As you now know, I have a few people I need to make amends with.”

  “Yeah, no problem, don’t worry, we’ll see you around.”

  “Thanks for the talk though and for picking me up out of the rain and sharing your home with me too. I appreciated the company.”

  “Any time honey, you’re welcome to come by anytime, it was a pleasure having you over. Hope everything works out,” She says, giving me a warm gentle smile. We both get up and head to our bedrooms.

  Before I go to my room, I grab the handheld phone from the living room and take it with me. I call Susan as soon as I’m in the bedroom. I don’t worry that she would still be asleep, I knew her to be a very early riser. I wasn’t wrong. She picks up and doesn’t say much more than “Stay put. I’ll be by in a few minutes to pick you up.” She is definitely still mad at me.

  I then proceed to call Chris but his cell goes directly to voice mail. Maybe he is still asleep and his phone is off… I wonder to myself. I look at clock on the nightstand and decide to take a shower hoping to revive myself a bit. I probably still have some time before Susan arrives. The shower feels great and definitely makes me feel better but I’m not so thrilled with having to put on my jeans and t-shirt from the day before. Thankfully they had dried overnight. I head out towards the living room and I don’t have to wait but a minute when I hear the front door bell ring.

  Harold comes out from the kitchen holding a cup of coffee.

  “Good morning, Lorelai,” He says casually when he sees me and proceeds to open the door.

  “Hello, Harold, long time no see,” Susan says smiling.

  “Nice seeing you again as well, Susan.” They share what looks like a professional handshake and a hybrid version of an awkward hug that was more like a pat on the back.

  “Thanks for taking in Lorelai,” Susan says. I don’t really like how that sounds. It made me feel like I was a lost puppy or something but I was in no position to object to anything at the moment.

  “No problem. It was our pleasure. Do you guys want to join us for breakfast?”

  “Thanks Harold, maybe we can get together for coffee sometime? I would like that, but right now we have a full day ahead of us. You’re ready, Lorelai?” For the first time she addresses me.

  I nod in agreement and head towards the door where Susan is still standing. As I walk close to the door, I’m surprised to see Chris walking towards the house. Susan looks back now searching for what it is that I’m looking at and she is equally surprised when she sees him too. The look on his face is a mix of relief and anger. I immediately know this is bad.

  Before any of us can say anything, he angrily blurts out, directly at me, “How could you possibly do this to me Lorelai? After everything else that has happened?”

  I am at a loss for words. I know I didn’t call him but I can’t understand exactly what he means by that.

  “Do you have any idea the night I had because of you? You take off without a word after you spend the day totally disturbed. I call you and you don’t bother to answer. I call Susan and it just goes to voice mail. You are nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere for you!”

  I make motion to speak but he cuts me off angrily. “I looked at hospitals for you!” he shouts in my face so loud that it startles me.

  Susan looking confused says, “I called James and asked him to tell you guys that she was fine.” Chris cuts Susan off as well. “I didn’t go to the goddamn party! I went looking for her!” He says pointing at me exasperated.

  “Chris, I’m so sorry,” I say feeling horrible. “Susan said you guys were at the party and I knew she had called to say I was fine. I was going to call you but I wanted to let you have some fun in spite of me.”

  “Fun? You think I could have gone partying when you were feeling like that? Sorry, I stupidly thought I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to party on my own. I’m tired of you shutting me out! I spent the night scared half to death that you were lying dead in a gutter somewhere.”

  He is ye
lling exasperated at me again. I look toward the house only partially conscious of Lara and Harold standing there watching us like an episode of a soap opera happening live on their doorstep.

  “I’m sorry Chris, I fucked up bad I know I did. You are right I can’t argue. Please…” I say begging, my eyes tearing up. I move closer and make motion to touch him but he pushes me away.

  “No…I can’t do this anymore Lorelai. I love you but this is too fucked up. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in fear of what you may do to yourself every time you have a meltdown.” His voice is soft now and somehow that makes it sound worse than when he was yelling at me.

  “Chris please…” I beg again, tears completely blurring my vision.

  “No, I’m done… with you, the band, everything. I quit. I can’t do this anymore.” He says and starts walking away towards his car ignoring my calling after him. He slams the door hard and speeds off without looking back. I knew it was over for good this time.

  Susan is just holding her head, rubbing her eyes. “Is there something you want to tell me now Lorelai?” She asks in a tired sarcastic tone.

  “Surprise??” I reply in an equally sarcastic tone. Susan glares at me disapprovingly.

  “Oh get off you high horse Susan.” I shout angrily. “Yes, Chris and I have been dating for a long time now and I’m sorry this violates your stupid band rules! But this is my fucking life! …And I… just ruined it…” my voice cracks up and I start crying once more.

  Lara comes between us now, she puts her hands across my shoulder, “Come on back in the house honey, I think you two need to have a serious chat, let’s get out of the doorway… before the neighbors call the police.” She says kindly leading us back to the living room where we take a seat.

  “I don’t care about that anymore Lorelai.” Susan says once we are settled in. “You guys are bigger now than any one member. It may sound cruel but you are the band! The band can go on if he is gone. The question is can you?” Susan pauses now and we both sit silent for a moment. “You know, sometimes I wonder what are you living for Lorelai?” The question hits me like a ton of bricks. I remain quiet deep in my own thoughts. I start to fear a lot of the answer involves Chris…

  Susan continues talking, not really expecting an answer to that last question. “Why didn’t you tell me about you two?”

  “Because it’s been going on for much longer than you think.”

  “How long?”

  I pause for a moment “… since we were recording our first CD.”

  I can see the look of complete surprise in her face. “You’ve been lying to me for that long?” I can actually hear some hurt in her voice. Susan didn’t often betray her feelings like that. Somehow, I was hurting everyone I loved today and I hated myself for it.

  “Sorry Susan, it wasn’t personal. You got in the middle of something that was well underway before you even knew us. What Chris and I have started when we were still in college. . We just didn’t act on it right away. Then, when you signed us, you were very specific about forbidding that as you well know. We tried to keep away but we couldn’t do it and back then I don’t doubt for a moment that if you found out he would have been out of the band before I could say ‘but…’

  So we decided to hide it. Then there was always a lot going on…. there never seemed to be a good time to tell you until so much time had gone by that we started to feel bad. We didn’t want to hurt you. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay, don’t worry,” she says softening up quite a bit, “I’ll survive. I’m angrier about not being able to tell it myself than anything else, really.”

  I smile at that comment. “I really think deep down you knew... you just chose to look away Susan.”

  “You really love him don’t you?”

  I nod in agreement, fighting away tears “Not that it matters now… I screwed it up, like I’ve done with everything else in my life,” I say, my voice cracking.

  “You haven’t screwed up anything Lorelai. Your life was screwed up to no fault of your own. You did better than anyone could expect under the circumstances. I am so proud of you and don’t you forget that.” The intensity in which she says that takes me by surprise. She pauses before continuing to speak again. “You may have messed up with him but if he loves you, he will find a way to forgive you.”

  “I don’t know, we had fights before, this was different. I think I really did it this time.”

  “Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean anything. You’ve completely changed from that person I met in the bar that first time I heard you guys play. I wasn’t at all afraid that I was going to find you dead in a gutter yesterday when you walked away. James and Ted weren’t either. I understand now that Chris is a lot of the reason why you changed. I know that, the guys know that but Chris doesn’t. …Sometimes when you are close you can’t see what’s right in front of you. You just have to make him see you are not in that place anymore no matter how many bad days you may have.”

  “Yeah but how can I make him understand that?”

  “I know how!” Lara jumps into the conversation surprising Susan and I. I had almost forgotten she was there still. She runs towards the Baby Grand piano and picks up the magazine.

  “You must have sensed what was coming because I can’t think of how you could express your feelings any clearer than you did in these lyrics.”

  Susan picks up the magazine and looks at the words I scribbled on the back. Lara continues excitedly, “All you have to do is play that song during your concert tonight and he will know it’s about him. He would have to be a doorknob not to know it’s about him…. He’s not stupid is he? Because he is awfully handsome…”

  “I picked him out of Stanford Law, he is anything but…” I say jokingly.

  “Stanford Law? My my… smart girl!” Lara says approvingly. I can’t help but laugh, her inappropriateness is highly entertaining. I just hope she doesn’t notice the look Susan is giving her right now…

  “Well that won’t work.” I say. “He won’t be at the concert tonight which brings us to an even more pressing problem. We are short one guitarist for what should be our big promotional debut…”

  “Fuck!” Susan says just realizing the graveness of the problem. A funny look comes over her face when she realizes the crass language she just used. “You really think he will bail out of tonight’s concert?”

  “I know Chris... I wouldn’t count on him being there. He meant it when he said he quit.”

  “Shit,” Susan says, starting to sound a lot like Lara now. “Well I think you know what I have to do now and you won’t like it a bit. I have to call Tom to step in.” I crunch my face in dislike at her suggestion. “I don’t know what is you guys problem with him…” she doesn’t finish her train of thought just by the look in my face. “Okay,” she says resigned “I grant you he is a bit of a douche… but whom else? He already knows the set. He only has to learn the new songs and in the time frame we have that’s already too much.”

  I know she is right so I don’t argue. “Call him.” I say dejectedly. Susan doesn’t waste another second. She is off dialing on her cell phone and making things happen like only she can.

  “Oh, but Chris has to be there tonight to hear you play this song. I really believe he will forgive you if he hears it.” Lara says to me earnestly. “You can’t let him go! If you don’t fight for him now, he will really go away you know?”

  “I know but he won’t be there, I can tell, and I know once we are out of here Susan will have me preparing for the concert, I won’t have time to go after him.”

  “Don’t worry! We have our ways. Harold knows everyone in this town. We’ll track him down for you. And I’ll drag him to that concert myself if I have to! You just get the song ready for tonight’s performance. I’ll make sure he’s there to hear it.”

  At that moment Susan comes back sounding all business and I know our chat time is over, “Tom is in. He’s on his way to Staples Center right now. You have to te
ach him the new songs. Let’s go Lorelai! We have a ton of work to do.”

  I just have the chance to look back and say “Thanks Lara, really…” as Susan is pulling me out the door.

  **************

  I’m in my dressing room at Staples Center after going over the set and the new songs with Tom. Susan was right about him, as much as we don’t like having him around, his knowledge of our previous set made everything way easier. I practically just had to go over the new songs with him.

  Ted and James arrived for the sound check shortly after that. In the privacy of the dressing room I had to experience an earful when they discovered the new development of Tom being back… I especially heard a lot from Ted, who apparently hates Tom more than the rest of us combined. Alas, it was not my choice either. I wanted Chris there more than any of them combined as well.

  While we wait to go do our sound check, I finally have some breathing room and I can do some thinking about everything that happened that morning. Susan’s words to me, especially, keep ringing in my head. He doesn’t know that I’ve changed my attitude towards life… he doesn’t know I really do want to live…

  I pick up a paper and start writing down all my feelings, everything I want him to know. If he is there tonight he will get my message loud and clear. I compose the lyrics from all those thoughts in about an hour. It’s very personal, maybe the most personal thing I have ever written… my ode to life if you will.

  I grab my guitar and start fooling around with some melodies and riffs, slowly composing music to go along with the lyrics. By the time they call me for the sound check I have most of it down. I bring it out with me and talk to the guys to go over it now. I ask them to help me get it done so we could play it tonight. They don’t give it a second thought. They just get right down to it, no questions asked. By the time the sound check is over we have the song ready to go and I couldn’t be happier with the result. I’m not much for picking favorites but if I‘m going to be truthful that song is special to me like no other.