Something is wrong… off… not the way it should be. It’s like a sudden chill in the air on a hot summer day. Like a blue sky turning green right before a tornado forms.
There she is at the bottom of the steps, standing with her hands clasped in front of her and her face shielded under an intricately detailed gold and royal-blue cloak. But it’s what’s standing behind her that has the Hunter in me itching for my flux. The muscles in me flexing for release.
Werewolves.
I smell them. Sense them. Taste the darkness in them. But they don’t… they don’t look like werewolves. At least, not like any I’ve ever seen before. I quickly count six behind Evangeline. There’s a black one who looks more human than werewolf, with a snout instead of a nose, and golden eyes. On one side of her is a dark brown man with the arms and legs of a werewolf, standing upright on his hind legs. On the other side is a woman who looks of mixed race with cinnamon-colored skin and Ethiopian-like features. Freckles cover her quaint face and on down her arms. Her hands are claws and her feet are like that of a wolf.
Behind them is a man with long, flowing, sandy-blond hair, yet, his legs and arms are like a wolf and he’s on all fours, pacing back and forth, growling through his snout. Next to him is a woman with a snout the color of gold.
I smell the Primeval in all of them.
That must be why they’re all mismatched versions of werewolves.
Misfits… just like Weldon and me.
But that isn’t what catches my eye. It’s the small wolf tucked right behind Evangeline’s legs, peering hesitantly at us. Her coat is the color of cream with tiny cinnamon speckles underneath her eyes. She carries a strong scent of werewolf. She’s more wolf than the rest, being completely shifted.
Every fiber in my body is yelling and screaming at me to attack. To vanquish the very kind that are responsible for scarring Katie’s face.
But no one else moves.
I turn. Jaxen is frozen in place, staring at the tall, slender-framed woman. She pushes her hood back. Long, flowing, brown hair is kept pinned out of her face. Eyes like Jaxen’s pass over me before landing on him. The same hardened, green eyes Jaxen once had. Her hands are pressed to the sides of her cloak, her fingers flexing and releasing… like she’s unsure of what will happen. Unsure if she should even be here.
She takes a small, hesitant step forward. “Hello, Jaxen,” she says, her voice surprisingly soft and melodic.
Seconds march between them, armed with weapons loaded with every pent-up emotion he’s ever felt.
He stumbles down a step.
And then another.
And another and another, until he’s standing right in front of her, staring at her as if she’s going to vanish at any moment. Gazing at her as if he’s just encountered the bogeyman that’s been hiding in his closet all these years, and he realizes now that she isn’t as bad and as scary as he thought she would be. She’s just a person… just like him.
Flesh and blood. Mistakes and empty promises.
“Mom?”
She reaches out. “It’s been far too long. I know.”
The fabric of her cloak has slid back on her arm, baring an ugly scar that looks oddly like a marring of teeth marks.
Like she was… she was bitten.
I think my heart is going to explode in pain, because I’m sure it can’t contain the amount of all-consuming emotions it’s feeling right now. I can’t keep my eyes off him as she waits for him to say something. Anything.
“You’re—you…” He looks down at the scar on her arm, down at her feet, at the small wolf looking up at him with bright, curious eyes, and then back up at her. “You’re a werewolf?”
She takes another step toward him. “Look at how you’ve grown. How handsome you are. So much like your father, yet, I see so much of myself in you. Words can’t express how proud I am of you. Of the man you’ve become. And how proud I know your father would have been.”
She takes another step in his direction. Reaches her hand out toward him, but he backs away from her. Shakes his head like he’s trying to make sense of her words, and I’m trying so hard to swallow the lump in my throat that’s trying to choke me.
“Jaxen, please. If you’ll just let me explain…”
His hands fly up by his ears as his face screws up with so many emotions. Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Loss. Confusion.
But most of all… fear.
Fear that his illusions of how this moment would go… of what her reasons would be for leaving… wouldn’t be strong enough to shatter the walls he’s so carefully built.
But being bitten? Being forced to turn into something against her will?
How can you blame her for that?
She follows his movements. Moves closer, looking like it’s taking all of her strength to keep from wrapping her arms around him. To keep from protecting him from this hurt she knows he’s lived with for far too long.
“This… this can’t be happening right now.” He grabs her arm, pulling it closer so he can fully inspect her scar. “You were bitten?”
She nods as tears slip down her cheek.
“Is that… is that why?” he chokes out, his face twisted in rage, disgust, and horror. His words smothered by agony, disappointment, and torment.
“You don’t know how hard it was for me to leave you,” she rushes out, tears straining her voice.
He drops her arm. Swallows down the millions of fervent emotions threatening to buckle his knees, and deals with it the best way he can. The only way he knows how.
He hardens himself.
“But I know how hard it was to be left.” He backs up a step. Far enough that she can’t so readily touch him. “So is this your big explanation? Is this your only excuse? You were bit and had to abandon us? You couldn’t have even tried to let us know if you were okay? Tried to at least explain so we wouldn’t be left questioning what we did wrong? Why we could be so easily left?”
Evangeline jerks back as if she’d been struck across the face. The little wolf, still hiding behind Evangeline’s legs, bares teeth up at Jaxen, growling out.
“Leaving you was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I couldn’t let you become a part of this world, Jaxen. I’m your mother. I couldn’t risk hurting you. You have to understand,” Evangeline says desperately.
He runs his hands angrily through his hair. Tugs on the ends. Stares at her with unmasked hatred. “I don’t have to understand anything,” he says heatedly as he begins to pace back and forth in front of her. “But more importantly,” he continues, “I don’t want to!” He stops right in front of her. Lowers his gaze on her as shadows fill his tone. “We might be related by blood, but that’s about it. You don’t have the right to claim the title of Mother. Not anymore. Not ever again,” he spits out.
“Jax,” Gavin says, moving quickly to stand next to him. He tries to put his hands on his shoulders, but Jaxen just shrugs them off and moves away from him. “Calm down, bro. Please. You promised me.”
“Why should I calm down? Are they going to attack me?” he asks, throwing a wrathful look over his shoulder at the wolves who are all on point now, teeth showing and growls rumbling. “Her new family. These… the beasts who she has given all her time to. Time that should have been ours? This is insane. This is-this—”
“It isn’t fair,” she finishes for him. “I know.” She holds her hand out to shush the few wolves growling behind her. “And it’s going to take time for you to absorb this. I didn’t come here thinking otherwise. I get that it’s difficult for you to understand my reasons. I never expected it not to be, which is why I initially left. I wanted the best future for you boys. I wanted you to move forward in life without having this,” she looks back at the wolves, “this big secret hanging over your heads, which could potentially rob you of a future you were destined to live out. If the Priesthood found out that you were talking with us, you would have been shunned.”
“So instead, you left us with your abandonment h
anging over our heads?” Jaxen says bitterly with his back to her. He spins on her, tears slipping down his cheeks. “You left us! Disappeared into thin air. Made us feel like we weren’t good enough. Made us feel like you were only ever there for Dad and, when he died, we were of no use to you anymore. What kind of mother does that? What kind of mother can leave two boys to figure it out on their own? To mourn the loss of not one, but two parents?”
He turns back to Gavin. “I’m sorry, brother. I promised you I would try. I tried.” Without another word, he rushes back up the stairs and slams the front door behind him, rattling the glass in its frame.
Gavin’s tripping over words.
Awkward tension stifles the air around us.
I retrace everything that has happened. Try not to notice Evangeline’s hand trembling at her sides.
Weldon takes a step forward, the sound of his feet crushing the grass beneath him as loud as someone screaming right beside me. “Well, that was a twist I didn’t see coming,” he says, laughing despite nothing being funny. “It certainly threw our dear Jaxen for a loop.” He stops near Evangeline and bows his head slightly at her. “I, too, am fond of the moon, but I don’t think in the same context as your howling lot.”
“Weldon!” Jezi hisses through her teeth.
Evangeline looks away. “I knew I shouldn’t have come yet. Maybe not even at all,” she says sadly, turning to the wolves, who are clearly agitated. “It’s okay. This was my doing. Be mad with me, not him.”
The smallest wolf nudges Evangeline’s leg again and again, whimpering, forcing Evangeline to look at her. She looks up at Gavin. “I should go, but before I do, I just want you to know that I love you. Both of you. Please make sure he knows that.” She looks past us, up to the window in the library where a sliver of a curtain is parted, letting out a dim stream of light.
With a heavy inhale, she turns back to the wolves, and then howls out as her clothes fall and her body shifts into a snowy white wolf, slightly bigger than all the rest. The small wolf nuzzles her neck, and then, as a pack, they take off, disappearing into the woods.
I turn back, just catching the curtain falling shut.
“That went better than I expected it to,” Gavin says, clapping his hands together. “For a moment there, I thought we’d have a full-on brawl with her… well, with her pack.” He shakes his head, his eyes going wide just for a moment. “Damn, it feels weird saying that.”
I jerk my gaze over to him, eyebrows burrowed. “I can’t believe you’re going to make a joke of this,” I say, my heart in a million pieces on the ground.
He drops his hands from his face. His playful features harden. “I’m not joking, Faye. What did you think would happen? She’d say a few things and Jaxen would fall into her arms? I knew he wouldn’t be happy once he knew. He’s my brother. But I wasn’t sure that he’d be able to control himself enough to keep from starting a fight. None of us are in any shape to take on a pack of wolves. Especially not wolves led by my mother.”
“Wait a damn second,” Jezi says, laughing incredulously. “She’s the alpha?”
“Yep,” Gavin says, sounding somewhat proud and more than a little disheartened. “From the little she was able to tell me, she killed the original alpha the night he—” He stops, and his face screws up when he tries to swallow, almost as if he’s swallowing shards of glass. After inhaling deeply, he finishes. “The night he forced himself on her,” he rushes out, his lips pressed so tightly together, they’re almost white.
Cassie gasps, covering her mouth with her hands. Jezi stiffens, and then her eyes glaze over. I’m pretty sure I’ve died. I’m pretty sure between the pain I saw in her eyes, and in Jaxen’s, and then hearing just what she went through, has taken the strength in my limbs and crushed it into nothingness.
Gavin’s gaze is somewhere distant. It’s clear in his expression just how hard it is for him to think it, let alone say it out loud, and it makes me want to hug him. It makes me want to find Evangeline and ask her if we can start over.
“I’m sorry, man,” Weldon says, his head hung. “I-I didn’t realize.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not something you automatically think about. Not something you even want to think about,” Gavin says. He turns just enough for his eyes to fall on me. “Look, Jaxen doesn’t know… so please don’t tell him. At least, not yet. Let that be a discussion between us. Cool?”
I nod, unable to find the words needed.
He turns back to everyone else and says, “Anyway, she’s been in charge and on the run ever since. I’m hoping after he cools off, we’ll be able to sit down and talk, and then maybe try again.”
“That poor woman,” Jezi says, hand over her heart.
“Come on,” Gavin says. He puts his arm around Cassie, and they head inside as a short breeze whips past us.
“Did you see that small wolf?” I ask Jezi as we follow behind.
“Yeah,” Jezi says, not offering anything more than that.
Jaxen’s sitting at the bottom of the stairs when I cross the threshold with a crystal glass filled with liquor in his hand. No one tries to take the drink from him. “I’m sorry,” he says to Gavin, who stops in front of him. “I know I screwed up, but I swear I really tried. I just… it was too much.”
Gavin puts his hand on Jaxen’s shoulder and squeezes. “I know, brother. You did good. You heard her. It’s a step in the right direction. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to let the rest unfold. We’ll worry about it then, okay?”
Jaxen’s head hangs as he nods. Gavin squeezes his shoulder, and then he and Cassie step around him, heading up the stairs. When they’re at the top he says, “Tomorrow we’ll figure out our plan for what comes next. Get some sleep.”
Jezi squeezes Jaxen’s shoulder, and then heads for her room. I take a seat next to him on the stairs.
“A werewolf. A freaking werewolf. Of all the reasons…”
What Gavin told me rushes through my mind. I feel like the words are tattooed on my skin. Like they’re lingering in my eyes, just waiting for him to see. If he only knew… then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for him to forgive her. Maybe he could really see what she went through and try to let go of his own pain.
But I promised Gavin.
So I slowly wrap my arms around him. Rest my chin on his shoulder. Nudge the side of his face with my nose. The small shudders he makes from repressing his tears cracks my heart clean in two. Sucks the air from my lungs.
We sit here, like this, for a while. Until he gains enough control to breathe evenly.
“Maybe she was scared,” I say, trying to keep my tone steady. “You know, when it happened. Maybe she was too scared to tell you,” I finish, watching him down the glass.
“Yeah, well, scared or not, family is supposed to stick together. We’re supposed to fight together. She didn’t even give us a chance.” There’s a fragility to his voice that grabs a hold of my throat and restricts it, making it hard to swallow. Even harder to bear.
“She’s your mom, Jaxen. She’s not the Goddess. Parents make mistakes, just like everyone else.”
He looks over at me, his green eyes rimmed in red. He’s just barely holding on. Just barely keeping it together. There’s so much hurt, anger, and betrayal on his face that a tsunami crashes over my heart, drowning me in sorrow.
“What am I supposed to do?” he says, almost desperately. “Pretend it never happened just because she was turned? Forgive everything? Act like the hell I’ve been through was little compared to what she went through… probably is still going through?”
He breaks off with his own realization. You could stab a knife through the quiet that follows his words.
More tears form in his eyes, and I swear I’ll never be whole again. I just want to erase his pain. Make it all my own, but I can’t. I can only share in it. Be here for him.
“Yeah, I think that is what I’m saying.”
His eyes water over, and I pull him into a hug.
Sometime
s, realizing that the world doesn’t always revolve around you… that others suffer too, day in and day out, is one of the hardest realizations you’ll ever have to face.
THAT NIGHT, I FIND MYSELF lying alone on the bed in my room, staring up at the lights on the fan until my eyes water.
My room could be a freezer. The cold has set in, frosting the edges of the window with tiny crystals. I roll myself into my down comforter, burying my head beneath my pillows. I don’t know why, but being cocooned has always made me feel safe. Like I can think better… clearer.
So many thoughts tumble through my head, making it impossible to move, let alone speak to anyone. After the encounter with Jaxen’s mom, he decided he wanted to take a walk… alone… and so he headed out back into the pergola that leads to the herb garden and disappeared.
It’s been three hours now.
My determination to let him have his time alone has shackled me to my bed. A huge part of me wants to run after him. To find him and help him through this. But the rest of me knows that there are certain pains we feel as living beings, that no one’s words of advice or love can remedy. Like the pain of losing someone. Because the truth is, life goes on whether you’re ready for it to or not, and you have to choose whether you’re going to sink or swim.
I think that’s what Jaxen’s feeling. The great debate of if he should let go of his painful past or not.
I shoot upright when a knock sounds on the door. A second later, the handle twists, and Katie’s face peeks around the corner.
“You awake?”
“Yeah.”
She opens the door the rest of the way, making her way over to sit next to me on the bed. I lay back down, finding the one small water-stained spot on the ceiling, and fold my hands across my stomach.
Katie does the same.
Neither of us says anything for a while. We just let ourselves be. Like we used to. Like when we would stare up at the sky for hours. Minutes pass by, and I’m forced to blink from my eyes growing so watery. I wish I could just turn my brain off. I wish for so many things.
“I’m pretty sure your thoughts are out-screaming mine right now,” Katie says quietly.
Everlost (The Night Watchmen Series Book 3) Page 10