I swallow and, still, the lump won’t move.
“Want to talk about it?” she asks hesitantly, as if she’s unsure she even has a place to offer that kind of friendship anymore.
The crack in my heart spreads a little further.
“Jaxen’s mom showed up.”
“Really? Is that like… a big deal?”
I forgot how little she really knows. How distant we’ve actually grown.
“Yeah. She abandoned him and Gavin when they were little, on the night they found out their father was dead. They haven’t seen her since, well, until today.”
“Wow. That’s so… so awful,” she says. “Why now?”
I shrug a little. “I guess she was staying here when we showed up. Maybe she figured it was time?”
She shifts next to me, facing me now, so I turn and meet her gaze.
“How did it go? I mean, what were her reasons?”
My eyes follow the pink scar trailing across her face, and I squeeze them shut, wishing I never met horror. Wishing I lived in a world where it didn’t exist.
“Faye?”
“She was bit,” I say so quietly, so sadly, “by a werewolf.”
When I open my eyes, Katie’s face has frozen. Paled to that of skim milk. I can almost see the memories she’s tried so hard to forget etching themselves across her face. The blood. The screams. The night her life was forever changed by the force of another during a sacred ritual she was supposed to be protected in.
“I’m sorry,” I say, looking away from her. I’m afraid if I don’t, then I’ll dissolve into nothing but everyone else’s pain.
“Don’t be,” she struggles to say. “Finish what you were going to say.” I can hear the old Katie somewhere in there. The strength I had always admired in her. The strength I thought I’d never have.
I inhale and say, “She was bitten, raped, and forced to become the alpha when she killed the werewolf that raped her.” It sounds so much worse saying it out loud. It feels even more horrible. Like my chest is collapsing in on my heart.
Katie’s fingers trace the outline of her scar. “I hate them,” she seethes. “I hate them so much it hurts.” Tears flood her eyes and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close. “I wish… I wish we never knew this world. I wish we had both been Defects. Then we wouldn’t have to know this level of pain.”
“I know,” I say, though, surprisingly, I don’t mean it. Because to mean it, would mean that I’d take back ever knowing Jaxen, Weldon, Jezi, and all the rest, and I don’t mean that at all. I’d take all the pain and more, just to have had the time with them I’ve had.
And it shocks me to realize how much I’ve grown to love them. How they’ve become more than just family to me.
“Sometimes, I hate having these kinds of feelings. Sometimes, I feel like… like there’s no end to what I can feel. No depth or range that I could ever conquer. Sort of like the ocean. The deeper I plunge, the darker and colder I seem to find myself,” I say, shivering. “And I fear my lungs will compress and explode because of it.”
Katie snivels. “Did he—did he forgive her?” she asks, her voice strained with raw emotion.
“Not yet. At least, not when he left. But I think he’s beginning to, now that he knows it was out of her hands.”
“That’s good.”
“Faye?” I hear Jezi shout from somewhere outside of my door. I feel her pushing against my mind, trying to communicate with me.
“Yes?”
“Did you still want to do the spell for your Grimoire?”
I sit upright. “Of course.”
“Okay. The talisman is ready. The moon is full tonight. I can start the tea if you’d like. The sooner, the better.”
“I’ll be down in a minute.”
“What is it?” Katie asks, sitting up now too.
“My Grimoire, I left it behind in Ethryeal City, and I’m pretty sure Clara has it spelled so I can’t manifest it.”
“Oh no!”
“Exactly. Jezi has a spell that will help me find the Witch cloaking it, so I’m going to do it and get it back. Well, we’re going to get it back.”
“Oh.”
The word dive-bombs from her mouth, carrying enough acid to burn through metal.
“Isn’t that… dangerous?”
I stare at her for a moment, debating my words as I stand up, inhaling oxygen like it’s going to give me the courage I need to work this spell that could potentially jeopardize the one remaining hiding spot we have left, and say, “Everything in our world is dangerous.”
“YOU SURE YOU WANT TO do this?” Jezi asks me for the hundredth time. “Because once we drink this—”
“There’s no going back,” I finish for her. “I know. You’ve told me this. Cassie’s told me this. I’m fully aware, Jezi, but I have to do this. I have to,” I say, looking her dead in the eyes.
She relents on an exhale. “I know you do.”
Four words bearing so much meaning… so much understanding.
She turns back to the stove, turns the heat off, and moves the small pot onto another burner. Katie’s sitting across from me, eyeing every move Jezi makes, wearing a scowl on her lips. I’ve never seen her so quiet… so observant in my life. It’s obvious to me that she doesn’t know where she fits in in all of this. We all have found a rhythm between us, in one way or another, and she’s been forced into that.
And I remember that what she last knew of Jezi was that Jezi was mean. And bossy. And territorial.
And I haven’t really explained otherwise.
I haven’t been a good friend at all.
I cough, clearing my throat, which is clogged with a battering amount of emotions. Both of them look at me. “I just… I just realized I haven’t formally introduced you two. I mean, you know each other, I know that. But you don’t know know each other. At least, not the way I do.”
“And you’re point is…?” Jezi drags out, staring at me with a lowered eyebrow.
“That I think we should all have a do-over. Katie last met you when we were… well…”
“Oh, for Goddess’ sake,” Jezi says. She sets the vial of Belladonna on the counter and drops the wooden spoon back into the pot before shoving her hand toward Katie.
Katie flinches back, staring at her hand as if it’s contaminated by something lethal.
“Oh, come on. I don’t bite,” Jezi says, pushing her hand a little more toward Katie. “Just shake it so Faye can go back to thinking the world is merry and peachy. Witch-to-Witch, you know how it goes. I need her mental state to be level before we dive into this cluster.”
Katie looks at me. Her eyes are two windows, showcasing her fury and confusion. She’s searching mine for the answer. For how she should respond, because I don’t think she wants to respond nicely, and I don’t think she wants to do anything to upset anyone either. Especially not when we still have her partner to rescue.
“She isn’t who we thought she was,” I say softly, quietly. I feel Jezi’s gaze beating against my face, and my ears go pink. “I was wrong about her.”
Katie’s eye’s furrow and, for a moment, I think I see betrayal in them.
Jezi exhales loudly. Forcefully. Bringing Katie’s attention back to her, still with her hand out. “Look, I was a bitch, okay? And rightfully so. I thought Faye was someone different, but she’s proved herself and, as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of like her. Maybe even accept her as a blessing for Jax.” She jerks her gaze in my direction. “No, this doesn’t need to be something we discuss more on, or ever bring up again, okay?”
I hold my hands up in surrender.
“Anyway,” she continues, looking back at Katie, “we should get this truce over with so Faye can drink her tea and find her Grimoire. It’s the least we can do to take one worry off her plate. She has many.”
Katie looks at me one more time before taking Jezi’s hand, making sure that we both see her disdain for this situation.
Jezi rolls her eyes wh
en the shake is done, and then turns to the pantry and grabs two mugs. She strains the tea, and then pours it into the mugs. “Here,” she says when she turns back around, handing the steaming cup out to me.
I take it and thank her before bringing it up to my nose. It doesn’t smell as bad as I thought it would. It has a faint licorice scent to it. The steam wisps in curls, warming my cheeks.
“Are you going to drink it, or just stare at it?” Weldon asks, coming in through the back door.
I glare at him and put the cup to my lips, sipping on the warm liquid. At once, I can feel my mind relaxing, slinking into a sedated state.
Jezi takes a long sip, grins over at Weldon, and then reaches for something I can’t see on top of the fridge. When she turns back around, she’s holding the jar with the talisman in it. “You’re going to put this back on, finish your tea, and then head up to your room.”
“Bossy much?” Katie mutters under her breath.
Jezi’s gaze flattens. “I wrote the spell out. Here,” she says, pulling a folded-up piece of paper from her pocket. “Read it when you’re ready to start the connection, which should be within the hour after finishing that tea. I’ll be in my room, in my meditative state, waiting for you.”
“Need help with that?” Weldon asks her, winking for added measure.
She gives him a look that could kill, and then heads out of the kitchen.
Weldon finds his way over to the table and sits across from Katie. “Hi,” he says with a playful smile. “I’m sure Faye’s already told you about my luring ways with women.”
Katie giggles, despite trying to look offended.
“See,” Weldon says, looking up at me. “At least someone gets my charm.”
“Ugh… gag me,” I moan.
“I’m sure you will be once lover boy finds out that you did all this without him here. You know how he loves to babysit,” Weldon says.
“Yeah, well, he needed time to clear his head.” I hate that I feel a smidgen of guilt. Sure, I could call out to him mentally. Tell him I’m ready to work a spell that could potentially give away our residence, but I don’t want to. He needs his space. He needs to sort through the trauma left behind by his mother.
I can handle this on my own. I’m strong. Stronger than even he thinks I am.
I push Jaxen, Katie, and everyone else from my mind. Shove away the guilt that tries to tear at me for being selfish in this endeavor, and down the rest of the cooled tea.
“She’s not in a hurry,” Weldon says sarcastically as he pours himself a glass of blood from the fridge.
“And she doesn’t need commentary every time she does something,” I say sharply.
“Ooh, someone’s in a tiff,” he retorts, wiggling his eyebrows between Katie and me. “Worried that I’m right and Jaxen will come storming through that door any moment, ready to lock you up?”
I don’t respond to him. Like a child, maybe if I just pretend I don’t hear him, then he’ll finally stop talking. With a small sigh, I grab the jar, look down at Katie, and leave the room. I hear Weldon saying something to Kat… probably another taunt or tease, but I don’t care. I don’t want anything interfering with what has to come next.
Like Jezi said, my head needs to be clear.
“Is everything okay?” Katie asks, following me out of the kitchen.
“Yes. No. Maybe,” I say, making my way up the stairs.
“Was it that guy? Weldon?”
“No.”
Lies.
I shove my door open. Place the jar on the end table. “Can you stay in here while I do this? Make sure nothing goes wrong?”
She stops short. “I don’t have my magic,” she says, shame in her voice.
I curse under my breath. Tuck away the need to explain. “Sorry. Can you… can you just let Cassie know then? If something does go wrong, I mean?”
It looks like it takes every ounce of strength for her to nod her head.
“Thanks.” I plop down on the bed and pull the talisman out of the jar. Place it back around my neck.
She moves closer. “You seem mad.”
“I am.”
“Why?”
I stop. Ponder her question. “I don’t know why. I just… I just am, you know? I’m mad about Weldon’s bullshit remarks when I’m about to do something I could potentially screw up. I’m mad about even having to do this, when, if I had put as much effort into learning witchcraft as I did Hunter training, then I probably wouldn’t be in this bind. I’m mad about risking our whereabouts. Mad about Jaxen’s mom and not being able to fix it for him. Mad about my parents missing. Mad that even though I know without a doubt that I want to fix this, I don’t have a real clue how. Mad that our friendship is nothing like it used to be. That I don’t know who you are anymore. I’m just—I’m just plain mad.”
I stop. Close my eyes. Try to steady my rapidly beating heart by breathing and counting. When I open my eyes, she’s staring at me like she’s trying so hard not to cry. Like she’s a punching bag that I just went ham on, and I think I’ve shrunk into nothingness. Into an empty, barren wasteland where the bones of our friendship have been resting, collecting dust.
Get it together, I tell myself.
She’s biting her cheek, looking at the ground. Her mind is a recorder I wish I could rewind and tape over with kinder, softer words. But life doesn’t work that way. We can’t take back what we say… what we feel, and sometimes, it’s such a sad shame.
“I-I didn’t mean it like that, Kat,” I say quickly, not having to look at her to know that I probably just hurt her even more. Wondering why I’m being such a jerk to her when she doesn’t deserve an ounce of it.
“Yes, you did,” she says boldly.
She waits for me to look at her, and I do despite wanting to bury myself under my covers, pretending the world doesn’t exist outside of them.
“You don’t have to tiptoe around my feelings,” she says, her voice tight and clear. “The truth didn’t scare me before you left, and it doesn’t scare me now.” She inhales and straightens her shoulders, pushing resolve into her eyes. “Because you’re right,” she adds, still standing at the foot of the bed. “You don’t know who I am anymore. And I don’t know who you are. It’s something that we need to come to terms with in order to get past this. I don’t want us to grow apart, but I’m afraid we already have. But more so, I’m scared that I won’t be able to follow you down the road you’re on.”
I’m staring at the floor. My stomach is in knots I’m sure I’ll never be able to untangle. I don’t want to discuss another problem right now. There isn’t enough time, and honestly, I’m too tired to deal with it. I just want to do the spell. I just want to slip away. Take a break from it all. Do something that’s actually propelling us forward for once.
I glance down at the paper Jezi gave me, and then unfold it. I know I should say something to Katie… give her some kind of solace, but I don’t have it in me. At least, not at this moment.
So instead, I read the spell and lay back, clutching the talisman in my hands.
AS SOON AS MY EYES close shut, I find myself as a small, shimmering beacon of light, drifting weightlessly through a land of fog. A land where the essence of every Witch dwells when connecting auras with another Witch. The one and only time I’ve ever done this was with Cassie and Jezi, when they were trying to determine what my inner strengths were. Writing spells, invoking and evoking spirits, and the elements.
None of which I have ever really tried to use.
And I think a lot of that has to do with my parents. With my childhood dream of becoming a Hunter. I’ve only ever focused on perfecting those skills, and it’s a shame, because standing inside this fog, feeling the spirits of all of my ancestors around me, it’s a power unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. And I should know what to do with it.
“Faye?”
It’s Jezi, and the sound of her voice in my mind startles me. Her light’s forming in front of me. The color of snow, just
as the sun touches it.
I move in her direction. Stop when we’re hovering close together.
“You have the talisman, right?”
“It’s in my hands.”
“Good. Focus on it, and on your Grimoire. Move in the direction you feel the strongest pull to. I’ll follow you.”
“Okay.”
I focus on the bullet. On where it came from. On my Grimoire, what it looked and felt like, and feel myself drifting forward. A hazy blur of images pass by us, and I somehow know that this is time moving around us. Like we’re somehow existing in a plane that dwells within the land of the living. We’re passing through people, through buildings, projecting our auras further and further away from the manor, and closer to Ethryeal City.
Time doesn’t move the same way here, if at all. Emotions don’t exist at the same depth. Everything that has happened feels so insignificant, and I think I could stay here… forever maybe. No cares. No worries. Just a beacon of light floating endlessly around time.
“Do you feel closer to it?” Jezi asks.
I shake away the fog that has seemed to settle in my brain, reaching out to my Grimoire once more. Jezi’s aura collides with mine from the force of my stop. I was about to pass it. I was that far away from everything in my mind.
“Here,” I say, hovering in place. I feel like I could reach out and grab it. I’m that close.
Jezi whispers something, and the fog around us dissipates until we’re hovering in front of a Witch I’ve never seen before. She has angled brown eyes and long, dark hair cut around the sharp planes of her face. Choppy bangs touch her slanted eyebrows. Quaint fingers hover over top of my Grimoire. Thin, red lips chant the spell that’s preventing me from taking it back.
“You remember the spell, right?” Jezi asks.
“Yes.”
“Good. We’re going to chant together, and then, when you feel the Witch’s magic fading, manifest your Grimoire and send it back to the manor. Okay? This has to go exactly as planned. No room for error. The moment it’s back in your possession, we end the spell and wake. If we spend a minute longer, they’ll be able to track us.”
Everlost (The Night Watchmen Series Book 3) Page 11