Hit Or Myth m-4

by Robert Asprin

  Needing all the help I could get, I had Badaxe send one of his men for Big Julie. With minimal difficulty we smuggled him into the palace, and the three of us held a war council. On Badaxe's advice, I immediately dropped my disguise and brought our guest up to date on the situation.

  "I'm sorry," Julie said to open the meeting, "but I don't see where I can help you, know what I mean?"

  Terrific. So much for Big Julie's expert military advice.

  "I'd like to help," he clarified. "You've done pretty good by me and the boys. But I used to work for the Mob, you know? I know what they're like. Once they get on your trail, they never quit. I tried to tell you that before."

  "I don't see what the problem is," General Badaxe rumbled. "There are only three of them, and their main spokesman's a non-combatant to boot. It wouldn't take much to make sure they didn't report anything to anybody …ver again."

  Big Julie shook his head.

  "You're a good man, Hugh, but you don't know what you're dealing with here. If the Mob's scouting party disappears, the Big Boys will know they've hit paydirt and set things in motion. Taking out their reps won't stop the Mob … it won't even delay them. If anything, it will speed the process up!"

  Before Badaxe had a chance to reply, I interrupted with a few questions of my own.

  "Wait a minute. Big Julie. When we first met, you were commanding the biggest army this world had ever seen. Right?"

  "That's right," he nodded. "We was rolling along pretty good until we met you."

  "… And we didn't stop you militarily. We just gave you a chance to disappear as soldiers and retire as citizens of Possiltum. You and your boys were never beaten in a fight."

  "We were the best," Big Julie confirmed proudly. "Anybody messed with us, they pulled back a bloody stump with no body attached, know what I mean?"

  "Then why are you all so afraid of the Mob? If they try anything, why don't you and your boys just hook up with General Badaxe's army and teach 'em a lesson in maneuvers?"

  The ex-commander heaved a deep sigh.

  "It don't work that way," he said. "If they was to march in here like an army, sure, we could send 'em packing. But they won't. They move in a few musclemen at a time, all acting just as polite as you please so there's nothing you can arrest 'em for. When enough of 'em get here, though, they start leaning on your citizens. Little stuff, but nasty. If somebody complains to you, that somebody turns up dead along with most of their family. Pretty soon, all your citizens are more afraid of the Mob than they are of you. Nobody complains, nobody testifies in court. When that happens, you got no more kingdom. The Mob runs everything while you starve. You can't fight an invasion like that with an army. You can't fight it at all!"

  We all sat in uncomfortable silence for a while, each avoiding the other's gaze while we racked our brains for a solution.

  "What I don't understand," Badaxe said at last, "is if the system you describe is so effective and so unstoppable, why did they bother having an army at all?"

  "I really hate to admit this," Big Julie grimaced, "but we was an experiment. Some of the Mob's beancounters got it into their heads that even though an army was more expensive, the time savings of a fast takeover would offset the additional cost. To tell you the truth, I think their experiment was a washout." That one threw me.

  "You mean to say your army wasn't effective?" "Up to a point we were. After that, we were too big. It costs a lot to keep an army in the field, and toward the end there, it was costing more to support my boys for a week than we were getting out of the kingdoms we were conquering. I think they were getting ready to phase us out… and that's why it's taken so long for them to come looking for their army.'' I shook my head quickly. "You lost me on that last loop. Big Julie. Why did they delay their search?"

  "Money," he said firmly. "I'll tell you, nothing makes the Big Boys sit up and take notice like hard cash. I mean, they wrote the book when it came to money motivation."

  "Sounds like Grimble," Badaxe muttered. "Doesn't anybody do anything for plain old revenge anymore?"

  "Stow it, General," I ordered, leaning forward. "Keep going. Big Julie. What part does money have in this?" "Well, the way I see it, the Mob was already losing money on my army, you know? To me, that means they weren't about to throw good gold after bad. I mean, .why spend more money looking for an army that, when you find it, is only going to cost you more money?"

  "But they're here now."

  "Right. At the same time Possiltum's about to become suddenly rich. It looks to me like the Big Boys have found a way to settle a few old scores and turn a profit at the same time."

  "The wedding!" I said. "I should have known. That means that by calling off the wedding, I can eliminate two problems at once; Queen Hemlock, and the Mob!"

  Badaxe scowled at me.

  "I thought we had already discarded that option. Remember Grimble and the citizenry of Possiltum?"

  Without thinking, I slammed the flat of my hand down on the table with a loud slap.

  "Will you forget about Grimble and the citizenry of Possiltum? I'm tired of being in a box, General, and one way or another I'm going to blast a way out!"

  From the expressions of my advisors, I realized I might have spoken louder than I had intended. With a conscious effort, I modulated my tone and my mood.

  "Look, General… Hugh," I said carefully. "You may be used to the pressures of command, but this is new to me. I'm a magician, remember? Forgive me if I get a little razzled trying to find a solution to the problem that your … I mean, our King has dropped in my lap. Okay?"

  He nodded curtly, but still didn't relax.

  "Now, your point has merit," I continued, "but it overlooks a few things. First, Grimble isn't here. When and if he does get back, he'll have the king in tow, and friend Rodrick can solve the problem for us… at least the problem with the Queen. As for the citizenry of Possiltum… between you and me I'm almost ready to face their protests rather than have to deal with Queen Hemlock. Now if you weigh the disappointment of our people over having to continue the status quo against having both the Queen and the Mob move in on a permanent basis, what result do you get? Thinking of the welfare of the kingdom, of course!"

  The General thought it over, then heaved a great sigh.

  "I was never that much in favor of the wedding, anyway," he admitted.

  "Just a minute, boys," Big Julie said, holding up a weary hand. "It's not quite that easy. The money thing may have slowed up their search a bit, but now that the Mob is here, there are a couple other matters they're gonna want to settle."

  "Such as?" I asked, dreading the answer.

  "Well, first off, there's me and my boys. Nobody just walks away from the Mob, you know. Their pay scale is great, but their retirement plan stinks."

  "I thought you said they didn't want their army anymore," Badaxe grumbled.

  "Maybe not as an army, but they can always use manpower. They'll probably break us up and absorb us into various positions in the organization."

  "Would you be willing to go back to work for them?"

  Big Julie rubbed his chin with one hand as he considered the General's question.

  "I'd have to talk to the boys," he said. "Like I said, this kingdom's been pretty good to us. I'd hate to see anything happen to it because we were here… especially if we'd end up working for them again anyway."

  "No, "I said flatly.

  "But…"

  "I said 'No!' You've got a deal with Possiltum, Big Julie. More important, you've got a deal with me. We don't turn you over to the Mob until we've tried everything we can do to defend you."

  "And how do you propose to defend them from the Mob?" Badaxe asked, sarcastically.

  "I don't know. I'm working on it. Maybe we can buy them off. Offer them Queen Hemlock to hold for ransom or something."

  "Lord Magician!"

  "Okay, okay. I said I was still working on it, didn't I? What's next. Big Julie? You said there were a couple things they wante
d besides money."

  "You," he said bluntly. "The Mob isn't going to be happy until they get the Great Skeeve, Court Magician of Possiltum."

  "Me?" I said in a small voice.

  "The Mob didn't get to the top by ignoring the competition. You've made some pretty big ripples with your work, and the biggest as far as they're concerned is making their army disappear. They know you're big. Big enough to be a threat. They're gonna want you neutralized. My guess is that they'll try to hire you, and failing that, try for some sort of non-aggression deal."

  "And failing that… ?" Badaxe asked, echoing my thoughts.

  Big Julie shrugged.

  "Failing that, they're gonna do their best to kill you."

  Chapter Nine

  "I don't know why anyone would be nervous about going to see royalty."

  -P. IN BOOTS

  "BUT why do I have to come along?" Badaxe protested, pacing along at my side as we strode towards the Queen's chambers.

  "Call it moral support," I growled. "Besides, I want a witness that I went into the Queen's chambers … and came out again, if you get my drift."

  "But if this will only solve one of our problems…"

  "… Then it will be one less problem for us to deal with. Shh! Here we are."

  I had switched back to my Rodrick disguise. That combined with the General's presence was enough to have the Honor Guards at the Queen's chambers snap to rigid attention at our approach. I ignored them and hammered on the door, though I did have a moment to reflect that not long ago, I thought the biggest problem facing a king was boredom!

  "For cryin' out loud!" came a shrill voice from within. "Can't you guards get anything right? I told you I didn't want to be disturbed!"

  One of the guards rolled his eyes in exasperation. I favored him with a sympathetic smile, then raised an eyebrow at Badaxe.

  "King Rodrick the Fifth of Possiltum seeks an audience with Queen Hemlock!" he bellowed.

  "I suppose it's all right," came the reply. "How about first thing in the morning?"

  "Now," I said.

  I didn't say it very loud, but it must have carried. Within a few heartbeats the door flew open, exposing Queen Hemlock… literally. I can't describe her clothing because she wasn't wearing any. Not a stitch!

  "Roddie!" she chirped, oblivious to the guards and Badaxe, all of whom gaped at her nakedness. "Come on in. What in the world are you doing here?"

  "Wait for me," I instructed Badaxe in my most commanding tone.

  "C-certainly, your Majesty!" he responded, tearing his eyes away from the Queen long enough to snap to attention.

  With that, I stepped into the Queen's lair.

  "So, what have you got for me?" She shut the door and leaned back against it. The action made her point at me, even though her hands were behind her back.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "The audience," she clarified. "You wanted it, you got it. What's up?"

  Somehow under the circumstances, I found that to be another embarrassing question.

  "I … um … that is … could you please put something on? I'm finding your attire, or lack thereof, to be quite distracting."

  "Oh, very well. It is beastly hot in here, though."

  She flounced across the room and came up with a flimsy something which she shrugged into, but didn't close completely.

  "Right after the wedding," she declared, "I want that window enlarged, or better yet, the whole wall torn out. Anything to get a little ventilation in this place."

  She plopped down in a chair and curled her legs up under her. It eased my discomfort somewhat, but not much.

  "Ahh … actually, that's what I'm here to talk to you about."

  "The window?" she frowned.

  "No. The wedding."

  That made her frown even more.

  "I thought it was agreed that I would handle all the wedding arrangements. Oh, well, if you've got any specific changes, it isn't too late to…"

  "It isn't that," I interrupted hastily. "It's… well, it's come to my attention that the high prices Possiltum is charging your kingdom for food is forcing you into this marriage. Not wishing to have you enter into such a bond under duress, I've decided to cut our prices in half, thereby negating the need for our wedding."

  "Oh, Roddie, don't be silly. That's not the reason I'm marrying you!"

  Rather than being upset, the Queen seemed quite amused at my suggestion.

  "It isn't?"

  "Of course not. Impasse is so rich that we could buy your yearly crop at double the prices if we wanted to and still not put a dent in our treasury."

  My stomach began to sink.

  "Then you really want this marriage? You aren't being forced into it for political reasons?"

  The Queen flashed all her teeth at me in a quick smile.

  "Of course there are political reasons. I mean, we are royalty, aren't we? I'm sure you're a pleasant enough fellow, but I can get all the pleasant fellows I want with out marrying them. Royalty marries power blocks, not people."

  There was a glimmer of hope in what she was saying, and I pounced on it with all fours.

  "… Which brings us to the other reason we should call off the wedding," I said grandly.

  The Queen's smile disappeared.

  "What's that?" she said sharply.

  For my reply, I let drop my disguise spell.

  "Because I'm not Royalty. I'm people."

  "Oh, that," the Queen shrugged. "No problem. I knew that all along."

  "You did?" I gulped.

  "Sure. You were embarrassed … twice. Once when I arrived at the palace, and again just now when I opened the door in my all-together. Royalty doesn't embarrass. It's in the blood. I knew all long you weren't Rodrick. It's my guess you're the Great Skeeve, Court Magician. Right? The one who can shape change?"

  "Well, it's a disguise spell, not shape changing, but except for that, you're right."

  Between Badaxe and Queen Hemlock, I was starting to wonder if anyone was really fooled by my disguise spells.

  The Queen uncoiled from her seat and began pacing back and forth as she spoke, oblivious to her nakedness which peeked out of her wrap at each turn.

  "The fact that you aren't the king doesn't change my situation, if anything it improves it. As long as you can keep your disguise up enough to fool the rabble, I'll be marrying two power blocks instead of one."

  "Two power blocks," I echoed hollowly.

  "Yes. As the 'king' of Possiltum, you control the first block I was after: land and people. Impasse by itself isn't large enough to wage an aggressive war, but uniting the respective powers of the two kingdoms, we're unstoppable. With your armies backed by my capital, I can sweep as far as I want, which is pretty far, let me tell you. There's nothing like growing up in a valley where the only view is the other side of the valley to whet one's appetite for new and unusual places."

  "Most people content themselves with touring," I suggested. "You don't have to conquer a country to see it."

  "Cute," Queen Hemlock sneered. "Naive, but cute. Let's just say I'm not most people and let it ride, okay? Now then, for the second power base, there's you and your magic. That's a bonus I hadn't expected, but I'm sure that, given a day or two, I can expand my plans to take advantage of it."

  At one time, I thought I had been scared by Massha. In hindsight, Massha caused me only faint discomfort. Talking with Queen Hemlock, I learned what fear was all about! She wasn't just a murderess, as Badaxe suspected. She was utter mayhem waiting to be loosed on the world. The only thing between her and the resources necessary to act out her dreams was me. Me, and maybe…

  "What about King Rodrick?" I blurted out. "If he shows up, the original wedding plans go into effect."

  "You mean he's still alive?" she exclaimed, arching a thin eyebrow at me. "I've overestimated you, Skeeve. Alive he could be a problem. No matter. I'll alert my escort to kill him on sight if he appears before the wedding. After we're married, it would be a simple ma
tter to declare him an imposter and have him officially executed."

  Terrific. Thanks to my big mouth, Massha would be walking into a trap if she tried to return the King to the castle. If Queen Hemlock's men saw him, then …

  "Wait a minute!" I exclaimed. "If I'm walking around disguised as the King, what's to keep your men from offing me by mistake?''

  "Hmm. Good thing you thought about that. Okay! Here's what we'll do."

  She dove into her wardrobe and emerged with a length of purple ribbon.

  "Wear this in full view whenever you're outside your chambers," she instructed, thrusting it into my hands. "It'll let my men know that you're the man I want to marry instead of their target."

  I stood with the ribbon in my hand.

  "Aren't you making a rather large assumption, your Majesty?"

  "What's that?" she frowned.

  "That I may not want to marry you?"

  "Of course you do," she smiled. "You've already got the throne of Possiltum. If you marry me, you not only have access to my treasury, it also rids you of your other problem."

  "My other problem?"

  "The Mob, silly. Remember? I rode in with their representative. With my money, you can buy them off. They'll forget anything if the price is high enough. Now, isn't being my husband better than running from their vengeance and mine for the rest of your life?"

  I had my answer to that, but in a flash of wisdom kept it to myself. Instead, I said my goodbyes and left.

  "From your expression, I take it that your interview with the Queen was less than a roaring success," Badaxe said dryly.

  "Spare me the 'I told you so's,' General," I snarled. "We've got work to do."

  Shooting a quick glance up and down the corridor, I cut my purple ribbon in half on the edge of his axe.