Electric Don Quixote: The Definitive Story of Frank Zappa

by Neil Slaven

  There was a special preview at the London Pavilion on Wednesday, November 17, after which Frank and the band hosted a party at the Hard Rock Cafe. Two days later, the latest European tour began in Stockholm and was scheduled to continue through Denmark, Germany, Holland, Austria, Switzerland and France, before they returned to England to appear at London's Rainbow Theatre on Friday, December 10 and Saturday, December 11.

  Frank talked to NME's Roy Carr about his film, parts of which Carr thought were an expensive in-joke which placed the audience in the position of eavesdropper. "Well, the film was designed for people who already know something about the legend and lore of the Mothers of Invention," Frank replied. "I would say that the hard-core Mothers of Invention freaks are gonna get off on it probably more so than those people who dislike the group or don't know anything about it."29

  The conversation moved on to how the Mothers reproduced the complexity of the records on stage. "I was interested in the juxtaposition of various musical textures — pieces of recordings from different times one from now, one from a few years ago. At the same time, I got interested in the editing technique. All the albums were heavily edited to make abrupt changes, then we were faced with the problems of duplicating that on stage. So I devised the hand signals that would allow things to change, and so we rehearsed in such a way that it was a question of. . . keep your eyes open for a signal every once in a while ... so that when it comes it will sound just like an edit on stage."30

  Did this mean that every gig was recorded? "No, but this formula allows us to do so if required." Frank then revealed that the Rainbow gigs would be recorded for a possible album. Mark Volman, also present, described what would soon become standard procedure for Frank's recordings. "For me that's the greatest way to get the best recordings. (Frank) is very smart, he tapes just the tracks in a lot of cases, so you've got something that's being played in front of people and generally when you play in front of people the performance of any tune exceeds itself, 'cos you've got something really happening. So we get just the band track and then go back into the studio, change it from four to 16-track and you've got endless amounts of room to do something."31

  He didn't know it but soon Frank would have what must have seemed endless amounts of time to do anything but pursue a normal life.

  10:

  SMOKE ON THE WATER

  The European tour was nearing its end when the band arrived in Switzerland to play in the Montreux Casino on Saturday, December 4. The ballroom of this aged and elegant edifice was also the venue for the annual Golden Rose TV awards ceremony, and this was to be the last gig of the season before the Casino shut for the winter.

  As documented by two bootlegs, Swiss Cheese and Fire!, that subsequently became part of Beat The Boots, Box 2, the gig was slow to take off. For 14 minutes, a synthesiser drones on as the various members of the band take their places on stage and begin to play. Frank tunes up after ten minutes and solos until, four minutes later, the band moves into a pedestrian version of 'Peaches En Regalia'. 'Call Any Vegetable', during which it is made plain that the secret word for the night is 'fondue', and 'Anyway The Wind Blows' are most notable for Aynsley Dunbar's energy. The rest of the band begins to hit its marks during an 18-minute version of 'Sofa', with all its variations, in German and English.

  "The translation was done by a girl who used to be our babysitter," Frank told Matt Groening. "That particular tour, I tried to convince Mark and Howard that it was a good idea to learn these things phonetically, because most American groups, if they go and play in another country, make no attempt to communicate in the native language, and I thought it would be a worthwhile gesture and probably a ground-breaking thing to do."1

  'Sofa' formed the prelude to 'Billy The Mountain', during which God, along with his faithful St Bernard, Wendell, decides to make a raunchy home movie with an unnamed small girl, Squat the Magic Pig and a fat, floating sofa. Sung by Flo & Eddie in German and spoken in English by Frank, the everyday story of a girl and a magic pig sharing an intimate experience on a sofa without soiling it has its moments. Though never committed to record in its complete form, the section describing the action, 'Stick It Out', eventually turned up on Volume Two of Joe's Garage, by which time the protagonists were the eponymous guitar playing Joe and a chrome-plated kitchen appliance adorned with marital aids that merely looked like a magical pig.

  Since this film is directed by God, the special effects have to be just that. Just over 14 minutes in, as the lyrics depict sparks shooting out and nebulas being revealed, Frank intones, "Sheets of fire, ladies and gentlemen. Sheets of real fire." After 'A Pound For A Brown On The Bus' and a medley of 'Wonderful Wino', 'Sharleena' and 'Cruisin' For Burgers', the band is just a minute into 'King Kong' and Don Preston is winding his moog up to sound like a siren, when someone fires a Very pistol and the flare lodges itself in the ceiling's electrical wiring. Soon, Frank's words appeared to have been an omen. Mark Volman thought that Frank felt "his anti-Christianity stance . . . might have played a little role in the negative things that happened in Montreux."2 In the light of 'Dumb All Over', recorded in 1980, it's unlikely that Frank's Catholic upbringing caused him a moment's doubt, either then or later.

  The members of Deep Purple, who had booked the ballroom for the next three weeks to record their next album, were in the audience that night. "Within seconds," said Ian Gillan, "the whole thing was really sparking and the room filled with smoke. Zappa was great he stayed very calm."3 Having told the audience to calmly go towards the exits, he and the band left their gear on stage and were led through an underground tunnel from the back of the stage into the parking area outside. "Everyone was a bit dazed," Gillan continued, "and we went back to the hotel and sat in the restaurant watching this beautiful building blaze. Flames were shooting two, three hundred feet, and the wind coming down the mountains blew the smoke across Lake Geneva — an incredible sight, I shall never forget it. And Roger Glover came up with the idea of 'Smoke On The Water' and scribbled it down on a napkin."4

  Twenty years after the event, Frank was stoic in his assessment of the hit record that emerged from his misfortune: "It's too bad there had to be a fire in order to produce the song."5 Frank watched the Casino burn from the veranda of his hotel and said to Dick Barber, "Get me on the first plane back to the US."

  "Prior to that, we had blown up two or three trucks," Barber said, "including one big semi tractor-trailer on the Autobahn in East Germany . . . because a week before, it had frozen up in Malmo, Sweden." The crew had managed to fix it but were a day late getting to Odense in Denmark, forcing the band to use a local band's equipment, "a couple of stacks of Marshalls and a little P. A. and borrowed instruments".6

  The whole tour, in Dick Barber's words, "was a disaster". Now, with all their equipment destroyed, some of it customised to the music's demands, Frank's desire to cut the group's losses, cancel the remaining gigs and return to America was strong. But, according to Mark Volman, "The band felt we needed to make the money, and it was Christmas time. So Frank went along with it."7

  The gigs in Paris, Lyons and Brussels were cancelled but the four Rainbow shows in London went ahead, using yet more borrowed gear. After two days' rehearsals with unfamiliar equipment that also proved to be unreliable, the first show on Friday, December 10 went well enough. As previously agreed, the band's first encore was The Beatles' 'I Want To Hold Your Hand'.

  Howard Thompson, a long-time fan of Zappa's music seeing his hero for the very first time, was sitting in the front row. "After 'I Want To Hold Your Hand', everyone left the stage again and then Frank came out to announce the next encore. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this guy run down to the orchestra pit, leap over it onto stage right, run across about five feet to where Zappa was standing and just shove him. And Zappa tumbled into the orchestra pit, right in front of me. I leaned over the barrier and looked down into the pit, which was about 15 feet below the stage. Zappa was just lying there, prone. The kid continued running acr
oss the front of the stage and got collared by some roadies. And then the band started coming out to do the next encore. Mark and Howard were looking around for Frank and then they looked to where we were all pointing."8

  "I remember looking down at him from the top of the pit," said Mark Volman, "and his leg was bent underneath him like a Barbie doll; his eyes were open but there was no life in them. Two or three of us were cradling him in the pit and the blood was running from his head to his knees. We weren't sure if he would live through the night."9

  Luckily, Frank's injuries looked worse than they were — but not by much. He had a fractured ankle, at least one broken rib, a temporarily paralysed arm and a number of contusions and gashes to his head. In addition, his head had been forced round over his shoulder, which resulted in a crushed larynx. An ambulance took him to the Royal Northern Hospital, where he was kept overnight in considerable pain, since his head injuries precluded the use of painkillers.

  Saturday's press identified Frank's assailant as Trevor Charles Howell, a 24-year-old labourer of Hatherly Road, Walthamstow, London El7. The Daily Express quoted the Rainbow's business manager, Michael Jaffe: "The audience went absolutely mad. They all rushed towards the stage. The man ran off across the side of the stage but he was quickly caught. He said he was upset because his girlfriend (Susan North) had a crush on Zappa."10 Howell appeared at North London Court, accused of causing grievous bodily harm, and was remanded on £100 bail.

  At much the same time, Frank was transferred to the Weymouth Street Clinic. Herb Cohen was involved in a scuffle with a press photographer, grabbing the man's camera and dashing it to the ground. John Morris, managing director of the company that leased the Rainbow, intervened and later presented Stuart Goodman with a cheque for £100, as compensation for the loss of his camera.

  Two days later, the Daily Mirror reported that Frank would be in hospital for at least a month. Herb Cohen said, "I'm not able to say when Frank will be able to go back to work. He has received a compound fracture to his ankle. His foot should be in a cast for about eight weeks."11

  Howard Kaylan and Mark Volman later claimed the band had been approached to continue the tour without him. "I can't even imagine what would have happened if we would have showed up at some of these shows as the Mothers of Invention without Frank," Kaylan said.12

  The band got to see Frank a few days after the incident. "We went in and there was Frank on his back, arm in a sling, one leg in a cast on a sling in the air," said Mark Volman. "His head was bandaged like a mummy. You couldn't see his hair or his moustache -just his lips where they had cut a hole in the bandages, and his eyes, which followed us to the foot of the bed. And then he said,' "Peaches En Regalia" one, two, three . . .' We died laughing. It was the sorriest of jokes. But it was his way of saying, 'It's OK.'"13

  But it wasn't OK. On January 7, 1972, the Daily Mail reported that Frank would be in plaster up to his hip for the next four months and that he had to stay at the Clinic for at least another ten days. "Things can hardly get any worse," said Herb. "I don't know how long it will be before he will be able to perform again. He's very depressed about it."14

  ANY KIND OF PAIN

  1971 had been Frank's annus horribilis, a burnt weeny sandwich with a filling of hard work encased in two slices of misfortune, both of them at the hands of the British. Because of it, as he says in his autobiography, the nation earned a special place in his heart.

  While he convalesced before returning to America, Frank was interviewed by Keith Altham for a two-part feature in NME. In the February 5 edition, a compassionate sub-editor headlined the first part, "Forget The Leg A While. It's ZAPPA on rock, porn and blues". Altham persisted in trying to find ways of bringing John Sebastian into the conversation until the subject was summarily dismissed by Frank. The journalist also found it odd that Frank should be "an extremely astute businessman", since "one of the 'cutest' features of the deal he negotiated with Warner Records is that at the end of their five-year contract, the group get their masters back." "That's what I call a good deal," said Frank. "You make a record, and what normally happens is that the record company owns the tapes forever it's not your music anymore. I happen to like the idea of retaining my so-called works of art."

  Enforced rest had apparently turned his mind to some of his musical roots, R&B in particular. "I still enjoy that music," he said, "and it may seem absurd but if I were in the proper circumstances, and I told the guys in the band this, I would be just as happy playing R&B. That's because I love it, it sounds good to me. It has definite musical merit. The emotional quality of the music of the Fifties, and the feel of those performances everything they have is cheap. But the sound that comes out is just great, it inspires you. When they have the cheapest stuff they come out with a piece of art at the end."15

  In the second instalment, Frank had a tilt at rock journalists: "The level of pop journalism in the UK seems to be superior to that of the US, although it may be an illusion. However, neither are good." Asked if there was an age limit to being a musician, Frank replied, "No. I hope I will still be on stage playing the guitar when I'm 50.1 love to play the guitar. It's one of the great physical sensations of all time."16

  A less welcome sensation was provoked by another article in the same issue, "Svengali Zappa and a horrible freak called Beefheart". On the eve of a British tour, the Captain was in an unforgiving mood. "Zappa is an oaf," he boomed. "It was disgusting and totally degrading that Zappa should do this to me. The trouble with Frank Zappa is that he's not a good artist or a writer and by surrounding himself with good musicians and exploiting them he boosts his own image."17

  By now, Beefheart had three ex-Mothers in his band, Elliott Ingber, Roy Estrada and Art Tripp, each of whom had reason to be discontented with their ex-boss; they each took their turn to run with the ball. Beefheart expressed disappointment at Ringo Starr's involvement with Frank: "I'm not into pornography and so I wouldn't look at 200 Motels but from what I hear, it's nothing more than cheap smut. It's not worth getting into the bullshit to see what the bull ate."18

  Trevor Howell had his day in court when his case was heard at the Old Bailey on Wednesday, March 8. Judge Rigg sentenced him to 12 months imprisonment when he admitted maliciously inflicting grievous bodily harm on Mr Zappa. His reason for the assault was that he thought "Mr Zappa was not giving value for money", The Times reported the following day. No doubt he'd been advised that his girlfriend's crush would not be seen as a viable defence. Eleven days later, the Daily Telegraph announced that Frank had begun a High Court action for damages against Howell. "Mr Zappa, leader of the 'Mothers of Invention' group, and his company, Bizarre Productions, are also suing the theatre owners, Sundancer Theatre Co., of Oxford Street, claiming damages for alleged negligence and breach of duty and contract."19

  THE GRAND WAZOO

  After spending a short while recuperating in Hawaii, Frank was at home but still confined to a wheelchair. Some time later, he learned to walk on crutches but his leg refused to heal. Doctors wanted to break it and reset it but Frank opted to take his chances. Eventually the cast was removed and his leg was put into a brace. When it finally healed, the leg was slightly crooked and shorter than the other. Luckily, he never wanted to be a Dancin' Fool.

  Now, instead of directing enforced recreation live on stage, Frank had some of his own. It was time to take stock of the situation. Even without the climactic events of one week in December, this tour had been only a conditional success. There was more than enough justification to regard this particular phase of his career as at an end. 200 Motels had monopolised his attention for the best part of 18 months. The compromised film he'd ended up with, confusing to fan and foe alike, fell short of their and his intentions. The stage repertoire he'd developed from its elements, though undoubtedly entertaining, had had a trivialising affect on audience perception of the instrumental expertise supporting it.

  Limited mobility gave him the time to do what he often stated he liked best, compose
music, but inevitably that wasn't all. Between February and August, he worked on a number of projects, some of which, like an album for Jeff Beck, never came to fruition. One that did was to oversee the creation of an actual Ruben & The Jets. The band consisted of Ruben Ladron De Guevara, rhythm guitarist Robert 'Frog' Camarena, Johnny Martinez on bass and keyboards, and guitarist Tony Duran, all of whom shared vocals, Robert 'Buffalo' Roberts on tenor sax, bassist Bill Wild and drummer Bob Zamora. Motorhead Sherwood also came in on baritone sax and tambourine. A deal was secured with Mercury Records and Frank produced the album, writing and arranging 'If I Could Only Be Your Love Again' and co-arranging 'Mah Man Flash' and 'Santa Kan' with Ruben Guevara.

  As for his own work, he conceived Hunchentoot, a science fiction musical of which only fragments were ever released. The story concerns an evil alien female, Drakma, who means to invade Earth. The final 72-page script, including stage directions and costume designs, called for a cast of 42, of which 31 were musicians. In the end, only small group versions of three songs, 'Time Is Money', 'Spider Of Destiny' and 'Flambay', were issued on Sleep Dirt, one of the three shoddily presented albums with which Warner Brothers said goodbye to Frank seven years later. The 1979 vinyl issue used the instrumental tracks but the 1991 CD reissue featured vocals by Thana Harris.