Electric Don Quixote: The Definitive Story of Frank Zappa

by Neil Slaven

  Mary Elizabeth Gore, wife of the Democratic senator for Tennessee, Al Gore, and known by her childhood nickname, Tipper, bought the album for her eight-year-old daughter and was 'shocked' to learn that one verse of the song referred to the said Nikki masturbating with a magazine in a hotel lobby. Recognising a threat to the entire fabric of American society, she convened a meeting of like-minded friends who, like her, just happened to have influential husbands, including Susan Baker, wife of Treasury Secretary James Baker, Pam Howar and Sally Nevius, wed to prominent Washington captains of industry. Together they formed the Parents' Music Resource Center (PMRC), with Howar as its president.

  Their first action was to write to Stanley Gortikov, president of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) to demand that the industry instigate a rating system for records similar to that used by the film industry. The suggested categories were: 'X' for 'profane or sexually explicit', 'O' for 'occult', 'D/A' for 'drugs or alcohol' and 'V for 'violent'. Although this coven of selfappointed moral guardians had no power or mandate, their hands were close to the organs of power, and that made them hard to ignore. One of their male members, Allan Bloom, said that the PMRC only wanted to promote art that was 'noble, delicate and sublime'. Frank had a reply for that: "This is not a noble, delicate and sublime country. This is a mess run by criminals. Performers who are doing the crude, vulgar and repulsive things Bloom doesn't enjoy are only commenting on that fact."6

  "We're not censors," Gore claimed. "We want a tool from the industry that is peddling this stuff to children, a consumer tool with which parents can make an informed decision on what to buy.

  What we're talking about is a sick new strain of rock music glorifying everything from forced sex to bondage to rape."7 She cited Prince's 'Darling Nikki' and Judas Priest's 'Eat Me Alive', which she reckoned was about 'oral sex at gunpoint'.

  On August 5, Gortikov wrote a reply which essentially rejected their demands, since they involved "complications that would make compliance impossible". However, he indicated that his members would consider developing a sticker which would advise concerned parents of a record's explicit content. With this concession, the industry implicitly accepted that censorship was necessary. By the merest of coincidences, H.R. 2911, a bill to impose a blank tape tax, was at the committee stage in Congress. This tax would effectively penalise the home taper and benefit no one but the industry itself. "If they could've got the Congress to pass that," Frank said later, "they would've picked up a quarter of a billion dollars a year in found money, and it would've been collected for them by the US government."8 It seemed that a trade-off was in the wind.

  That wasn't enough for the PMRC. The 'Washington wives' met with Edward Fritts, President of the National Association of Broadcasters (NAB), after his wife attended one of their lectures. Panicking, he requested that record labels send lyric sheets with new releases to all radio stations to help programme directors choose what should be broadcast. Not everyone was willing to join the lemmings in their rush over the cliff. Charlie Kendall, of New York's WNEW-FM, reckoned, "We know what the lyrics are to the songs we play, and I know what my community can take. There is always gonna be an element that doesn't like rock'n'roll. But as long as I keep it clean and within FCC guidelines, I say, 'Fuck 'em.' "9

  Frank wrote an open letter to Cashbox, entitled 'Extortion Pure And Simple', spelling out the possible connivance whereby the Constitution's First Amendment guarantee of free speech might be compromised by the record industry's lust for revenue. He also wrote to President Reagan, that pious paragon of American virtues who in the early Fifties had loyally fingered his fellow actors as Communist sympathisers to McCarthy's HUAC committee while others kept their council. "The PMRC is an unlicensed lobbying group," Frank wrote, "comporting itself outrageously. While threatening an entire industry with the wrath of their husbands' powerful committees, they blithely spew frogwash and innuendo with the assistance of an utterly captivated media."10

  In August, Frank debated the issue with PMRC representative Kandy Stroud in Washington, DC on CBS television's Nightwatch, in front of a live audience. During a question-and-answer session, a local DJ noted that the proposals smacked of the secret radio blacklist of the Sixties. His comment never made the transmission. A week later, Frank was being interviewed on WNEW in New York when the DJ admitted to having seen a blacklist; it was hardly surprising that he refused to admit it under oath.

  The PMRC's proposal was heard by the Senate committee for Science, Commerce and Transportation on September 19. Among those giving depositions were Frank, John Denver and Dee Snider, lead singer of Twisted Sister, whose 'We're Not Gonna Take It' was on the PMRC's 'Filthy Fifteen' list, along with W.A.S.P.'s '(Animal) Fuck Like A Beast', Sheena Easton's 'Sugar Walls' and AC/DC's 'Let Me Put My Love Into You'. "The atmosphere there was really very strange," Frank said, "because the hearing itself was such a mongrelisation . . . There were 50 still photographers and something like 30 video teams. It was a big media event."11

  Frank's statement revealed the instinct of a raptor; the PMRC's proposal was "an ill-conceived piece of nonsense", their demands the equivalent of "treating dandruff by decapitation". "Taken as a whole," he went on, "the complete list of PMRC demands reads like an instruction manual for some sinister kind of 'toilet training programme' to housebreak ALL composers and performers because of the lyrics of a few. Ladies, how dare you?"

  He pointed out that the PMRC had no members, but it raised money by mail, had tax-exempt status and was advocating what amounted to restraint of trade. How could it be proper that three senators on the committee he was addressing had wives who were "non-members" of the PMRC? Whatever happened to "conflict of interest"? How long before another fanatic demanded the letter "J" be affixed to anything written or performed by a Jew? "What hazards await the unfortunate retailer who accidentally sells an 'O' rated record to somebody's little Johnny? Nobody in Washington seemed to care when Christian Terrorists bombed abortion clinics in the name of Jesus. Will you care when the 'friends of the wives of big brother' blow up the shopping mall? Bad facts make bad law," he asserted, "and people who write bad laws are in my opinion more dangerous than songwriters who celebrate sexuality."

  He was then questioned by individual senators, with the exception of the splenetic Senator Slade Gorton, who denounced his statement as "boorish, incredibly and insensitively insulting" and doubted his ability to understand the Constitution. By contrast, Senator Gore was almost friendly, expressing his esteem for Frank's music before repeating that no legislation or regulation was being suggested. Senator James Exon of Nebraska made a perceptive aside; "I wonder, Mr Chairman, if we're not talking about federal regulation, and we're not talking about federal legislation, what is the reason for these hearings?"12 No legislation followed. Nor did H.R. 2911 become law. But 'Parental Advisory' stickers began to appear and, as Frank predicted, record distributors and retailers began to arbitrarily ban product they thought should be stickered and some states tried to make it illegal to even sell stickered albums.

  Flushed with victory, Tipper Gore turned her attention to rock videos. "I'm disturbed by the portrayal of women and the graphic violence on MTV," she said. The PMRC also wanted offensive album covers kept from public view and warnings to be issued about rock concerts they found tantamount to "burlesque shows". "We're going to have to put a national organisation in place, on a state-by-state basis," Gore envisaged. "We're seeking a coalition with the PTA, the American Academy of Pediatrics, labour, anyone who is willing to help."13 For a while it seemed that Frank's prediction in Thing-Fish would come true: "Only the boring and bland shall survive!"

  THE MOTHERS OF PREVENTION

  His reaction to the hearing was to hastily compile Frank Zappa Meets The Mothers Of Prevention, an album of band and Synclavier material released during October. Its focus was a 12-minute sound collage entitled 'Porn Wars'. Employing the same techniques with which he'd assembled 'The ChromePlate Megaphone Of Destiny', Frank
used the voices of Senators Danforth, Hollings, Trible, Hawkins, Exon, Gorton, Gore and the crusading Tipper herself, editing their words with jump cuts and speeded-up repeats to emphasise the dread weight of their self-righteous pomposity.

  Key phrases were used as loops to interrupt and underpin various statements. Most prominent was Senator Paula Hawkins' "fire and chains and other objectionable tools of gratification in some twisted minds", spoken in a robotic monotone that eerily resembled Pamela Zarubica's Suzie Creamcheese. Frank termed her "the Nancy Reagan lookalike from Florida she had the reputation of being the least effective senator, she was really a disaster."14 Other phrases included Senator Hollings' "outrageous filth" and "maybe I could make a good rock star", and an unattributed (Bobby Martin?) "bend up and smell my anal vapour". Synclavier excerpts propelled sections of the verbal tirade, while two short passages from the Lumpy Gravy piano conversations and one from Thing-Fish formed a surreal and ironically prophetic counterpoint.

  As well as Barking Pumpkin's usual 'Warning/Guarantee', Frank printed the First Amendment of the Constitution on the inner sleeve. Underneath it was Senator Hollings' assertion, almost inaudible on the record, that "... if I could find some way constitutionally to do away with it I would." Such a statement by any one of the artists being pilloried, or by Frank himself, would have been regarded as tantamount to treason. Apparently, the PMRC and its toadies had a moral imperative to ignore any law or statute in order to achieve their ends.

  'Porn Wars' was a scathing response to the PMRC hearing, but the same inspired haste that created it couldn't compile an album of comparable and consistent quality. The first side of Mothers Of Prevention comprised four band tracks of some vintage, since both Steve Vai and Tommy Mars were present. The two songs, 'We're Turning Again' and 'Yo Cats', were both mean-spirited affairs. The first was an almost petulant attack on Sixties revivalism; Frank set the scene with some withering comments on the hippie ethos ('1967: drug-crazed youth discovered vagrancy as a way of life'), before Ike Willis in Thing-Fish mode laid into Jim Morrison, Keith Moon, The Mamas & The Papas and particularly Jimi Hendrix.

  'Yo Cats' continued the assault, taking on the session musician mentality. "Well, a 'Yo Cat' is beyond being a sight-reading cretin," Frank averred. "A 'Yo guy' is part of this special species that popped up in Hollywood studios the A-team mentality... A handful of guys get all the work. That's the A-team. And they do it day in, day out, three sessions a day; they grind it out. And one must ask at the end of the day: 'Was it music? Did they care?' "15 Co-written by Frank and Tommy Mars, it was sung by Ike Willis with smug glibness: 'I play shit but I love that loot.'

  Both instrumentals, 'Alien Orifice' and 'What's New In Baltimore?', proved Frank's musicians were anything but 'Yo Cats', Ed Mann's chattering xylophone led the pointillistic melody of 'Orifice' before Frank contributed a typically fluent, and probably xenochronous, guitar solo. Percussion also led off 'Baltimore', a rather mechanical studio-bound version that failed to breathe life into the shifting metres of its opening theme. Frank's guitar played the almost stately title theme which resembled 'Watermelon In Easter Hay' in its uncharacteristic romanticism. Live versions, like that on 1986's Does Humor Belong In Music?, were taken at a faster pace and featured a vocal chorus on the title phrase.

  Two Synclavier pieces sandwiched 'Porn Wars': 'Little Beige Sambo' proceeded at a relentless clip, employing organ and harp-like tones on a theme that could have graced Uncle Meat, even if the lightning-fast percussive flourishes would have needed the use of a vari-speed control. 'Aerobics In Bondage' was slower and in some ways ironic after the effusion of senatorial pronouncements. Sampled tom-toms and cymbals added a realistic context.

  The European version of the album was issued in February 1986 minus 'Porn Wars', which Frank deemed "uninteresting to listeners outside the US". His note continued, "This special European edition contains three new songs not available in the US album. We hope you appreciate the difference." "Not that much" might have been a typical response. 'One Man One Vote' and 'H.R. 2911' were both realised on Synclavier. The first acted as a preview for 1986's Jazz From Hell, bearing a broad similarity to one of its most notable tracks, 'G-Spot Tornado'. 'H.R. 2911' was cut from the same musical cloth as the piece which added its dread deliberate rhythm to the central section of 'Porn Wars'.

  Least impressive of all was 'I Don't Even Care', co-written with Johnny 'Guitar' Watson and consisting of a stolid and repetitive backing track over which Watson and a vocal chorus chanted the title. Stretched beyond four minutes, Watson struggled with his ad-libs, at one point asserting that 'the cow jumped over the moon'. Ray White joined in towards the end and easily outshone Watson's flagging spontaneity. The arbitrary nature of the track served to underline that 'Porn Wars' was fundamental to the original compilation; without it, Mothers Of Prevention became a divided, almost schizophrenic entity divested of its heart. The 1990 CD reissue, which combined the material from both vinyl releases, wisely placed 'Porn Wars' at the beginning, setting the tone for what followed.

  During the succeeding months, by his own estimation, Frank did as many as 300 talk shows and interviews on the subject of censorship, spending up to $70,000 on phone-calls, travel and print costs for what he termed 'The Z-Pack', an ongoing dossier of cuttings and comment, available free from Barfko-Swill. His most powerful weapon was his withering scorn. "They can't stand for people not to take them seriously," he said. "They hate to be laughed at. If they weren't so fucking dangerous, it would be fine to laugh at them all the time, but sometimes you have to take into account how much damage they can do."16

  "The people who want to censor do not care about saving your children," he told David Sheff. "They care about one thing getting re-elected. Let's face it, folks: Politicians in the United States are the scum of the earth. We have to go after them individually because they're varmints. The legislation they are passing, piece by piece, converts America into a police state."17

  NONE OF THE ABOVE

  Although he turned into a tireless campaigner against the forces of repression, other more fruitful work was not neglected. April had seen the premiere of another major Zappa work, None Of The Above, commissioned by the Kronos String Quartet. The group played the first movement on KPFA's Morning Concert on April 8. It was followed by a Synclavier version of the same movement and a rehearsal/discussion of the work. Four days later, they gave the world premiere of the complete 20-minute work at the Herbst Theater in San Francisco. The performance was repeated at UCLA's Schoenberg Hall in Los Angeles on April 19, and in Arhus, Denmark on April 28.

  Within days, there was a second Zappa premiere. This time, the Aspen Wind Quintet performed Time's Beach at the Alice Tully Hall in New York's Lincoln Center. The original work was in three movements but when it was to be repeated, at Washington's Coolidge Auditorium, the composer suggested that the first movement be omitted. "As winners of the (Walter W.) Naumberg Award, we were awarded a commission, to commission an American composer," said the group's oboist, Claudia Kuntz. "We felt that Frank Zappa was the quintessential American composer encompassing a wide range of musical experiences, and we felt that he was a really great musician of our time."18

  April had also seen the release of The Old Masters Box I, containing all the Verve albums, except Mothermania, and a Mystery Disc, which anthologjsed selected moments from Frank's musical past and the earliest incarnations of the Mothers. Once the Mothers Of Prevention was out of the way, he set about compiling the CD version of Does Humor Belong In Music? from recordings of the 1984 tour. For undisclosed reasons, this CD-only release appeared early in 1986 in England and Germany and was not made generally available until 1995.

  Whatever the explanation, it was another example of Frank's willingness to embrace new technology. Another was the deal he negotiated at this time with Rykodisc for the pioneering CD label to reissue the majority of his back catalogue. The company had been mooted at the 1983 MIDEM in Cannes, and president Don Rose had Zappa in mind e
ven then. "He was high among the list of appropriate artists for early CD release," he said, "and one of my first ideas. He was a pioneer in digital recording. He had purchased one of the first Sony multi-track digital recording machines, and was one of the first popular artists to commit to digital. And he was well known as an innovator — both musically and technologically . . . So it made perfect sense for us to go after such a forward-thinking artist who controlled his own material and was already digital-friendly."19

  In 1986, the CD market was still in its development stages, and it was hard for fringe artists like Frank to get releases in the new format. Capitol distributed Barking Pumpkin but they weren't interested in manufacturing CDs of Zappa material. Rose saw an opportunity for his fledgling company, based in Salem, Mass. "I hadn't even heard of them before," said Frank. "Then here's this guy named Don Rose who knew something about my catalogue and was interested, and it was like one cottage industry talking to another."20

  Billboard reported the deal early in February but the initial eight-title release didn't take place until the following autumn. "It was probably the biggest back-catalogue issue by a single artist on CD at the time," said Rose. "Frank insisted that they come out simultaneously for greater impact. We went along with him only to find out he was right."21

  It was the sort of conviction that drew Frank to fight off yet another censorship attack, this time by the moralising vote-catchers of his home state. The Maryland House of Delegates had passed a bill which, if ratified, would alter the state's existing pornography statutes to include records, tapes and CDs. To become law, it had to be heard by the Maryland State Senate Judiciary Committee. Frank, accompanied by Bruce Bereano representing the RIAA, attended the hearing on February 14, having met delegates at a cocktail party the previous evening and secured recantations of their votes from five of them.