Have No Shame

by Melissa Foster

  Mama let out a quick breath before answerin’ Maggie. “She hemorrhaged.”

  “I know, I got that much,” Maggie said. “But she’s okay? She’s gonna be okay, right?”

  Maggie spoke so quickly that I could feel somethin’ pushin’ inside of her. The way her eyes jumped from me to Mama and back again told me she was holdin’ somethin’ back.

  “Maggie, Mama knows,” I said.

  “She knows? You know?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “We didn’t want to lie to you. We just didn’t want you to have to lie to Daddy about this, too.”

  Mama nodded. “You did the right thing.”

  “Cheatin’ on Jimmy Lee? Leavin’ my baby? I did the right thing?” I didn’t understand how that could possibly be true.

  “What you did before marryin’ Jimmy Lee, that was wrong. But you know that. You don’t need me to harp on you. What’s done is done. And yes, you did the right thing leavin’ your baby behind. Your father would have killed us both if you’d come home with a colored baby.”

  “But, Mama, I can’t leave him. I mean, I did, I tried, but I can’t leave him there. I need him. I love him.”

  Mama backed herself into a chair, where she leaned on her elbows and let her face fall into her hands.

  Maggie took my hand and with a glint in her eye said, “Pixie, Jackson came home. He isn’t dead. He’s with Patricia and Joshua now.”

  “Jackson? Albert’s brother, he’s alive?” Mama looked from Maggie to me.

  “Are you sure? How do you know?” Jackson. My world was rightin’ itself. This had to be a sign. It was time I knew my place, only my place wasn’t where Daddy thought it should be.

  “Albert got word to Mr. Kane, who called me. Jackson’s home. He’s safe!” Maggie exclaimed.

  Tears of joy sprung from my eyes. My heart beat strong within my chest, renewed energy streamed through me. I took a deep breath and did what I should have done long ago. “Mama, Jackson Johns is the father of my baby, and I love him. I love him—I love them—with all my heart.” It felt so good to say those words, I had to repeat them. “I love Jackson Johns.”

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  I felt physically stronger the next afternoon. The nurse explained that they’d pumped me full of blood, fluid, and antibiotics, and the doctor said I could go home, as long as I took it easy.

  “Mama is on her way to pick you up.”

  I pressed the telephone receiver tight against my ear, listenin’ to Maggie’s concerned voice, and thinkin’ about how I’d almost lost her.

  “I’m gonna ask Mama to take me to see Jackson on the way home,” I said.

  “Pix, you can’t do that. The police are patrollin’ the streets. Several men are still missin’. And Jimmy Lee is on a warpath, askin’ everyone in town if they knew you were runnin’ ‘round behind his back.”

  Everyone knows? I was determined to take responsibility for what I’d done and to be with the man I loved.

  “You can’t go near Division Street,” Maggie warned.

  “I gotta, Maggie. I gotta see Jackson.”

  “Alison, it’s bad,” she said. “Think about Jackson. If Jimmy Lee finds out that Jackson is the father, he’ll kill him on the spot.”

  I assured her that we’d be extra careful.

  “How do you plan to tell Daddy about the baby?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Maybe I can help,” she offered. “I’ll feel out his mood before you get here. Daddy’s feelin’ the long tail of the boycott—none of the farmhands have shown up since, so he’s exhausted and worried.”

  “Maybe it’s better if we don’t tell him,” I said, wonderin’ when it might ever be a good time to break Daddy’s heart.

  “We’ll see. Pix, be careful if you go see Jackson. Promise me.”

  I promised her and waited for Mama to arrive and drive me home.

  “Let’s not tell your father about the baby ‘til we have time to figure it all out,” she said.

  That made sense to me, since I couldn’t go to my own apartment, and I couldn’t bring the baby to Daddy’s house, I didn’t have many choices to consider.

  “Can we stop and see Jackson and Joshua on the way?” I asked.

  Mama looked at me and turned her head slightly up, in that way that said, Oh, honey. I wish it were that easy.

  “How am I gonna do this, Mama? I love him. I want to see him and, to be honest, I don’t really care who knows it. Once I tell Daddy, no one else really matters.”

  “You’re not that naïve, Alison. You know all too well what could happen to Jackson—and to your baby.”

  Mr. Bingham. Mr. Green. “So, what do I do now? You tell me.”

  “I’m thinkin’.” She drove with her eyebrows drawn together, both hands on the steerin’ wheel, starin’ intently at the road.

  “What about if we parked behind their church and walked over?” I pleaded.

  “Alison,” Mama sighed.

  “Please, Mama? Could you have left me, or Maggie, or Jake? Could you have forgotten a man you’d loved?”

  Mama’s clenched face softened, the lines on her forehead diminished.

  “Please, Mama? It’s all I can think about. I’m scared every minute of the day now anyway. Don’t you think I worry that Jimmy Lee will figure this all out and do somethin’? Look at what he’s done. He beat up kids just for bein’ colored. He killed a man. He saw to the death of another. Once he knows the truth, then Jackson and Joshua—and even I—don’t have a chance.”

  “Maggie,” Mama said, as if she were thinkin’ of her and the word just came out accidentally.

  “What about Maggie?”

  “You can stay with Maggie, you and Joshua, until you figure it out.”

  “Mama, have you seen Maggie’s apartment? It’s tiny.”

  “It’s safe,” she said, noddin’ to herself. “Do you even know if Jackson wants to be with you? You’re makin’ a lot of assumptions about a man who just came back from the dead.”

  “Oh, he wants to be with me alright.” For once, I knew exactly what I wanted and where I belonged. “There’s no doubt in my mind. It’s not an assumption. He told me.”

  “Even now, after all that’s happened?” she asked.

  I watched Mama drive past our road. “Mama? Where are you goin’?”

  She turned to face me. “The church.”

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  I’ll never know what possessed Mama to give in and take me to the church, because no matter how many times I asked her why she did, she just smiled and said, “It was the right thing to do.”

  We walked across the parkin’ lot, Mama walkin’ too close to me and askin’ every three seconds, “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re supposed to take it easy. Let me know if you want to stop.”

  “I’m fine,” I answered, and though pain pressed in on my abdomen, I honestly felt better than I had in weeks. The thought of my baby pulled me forward, the thought of Jackson pushed me faster. We reached the back lawn of their property, and I was thankful not to have to see the dark stain of my blood in the street.

  Mama grabbed my arm. “Alison, listen to me. You don’t have to make any decisions today. You can just visit your baby and then let that sit with you for a while.”

  I knew what she was doin’. What I was plannin’ was scarier than anything either of us had ever gone through. My life there in Forrest Town was quickly comin’ to an end, and her life, as she knew it, was too. I reached for both of Mama’s hands. “Mama, you’ve spent your whole life worryin’ about my happiness, Maggie’s happiness, and Jake’s. Now I’ve found mine. It might not be easy, and it might not be right based on this town’s perspective,” I dropped her hand and put my right hand over my heart, “but in here, where it really matters, it’s not only right, it’s perfectly clear. I’ve found my place.”

  She nodded, and we walked up the back steps of the house. Standin’ on the back porch, I thought of the woman I’d become, and the
sides of Mama I’d only recently discovered. She’d given up so much of her life for the good of her family—her beliefs, her interests. In a way, I was followin’ in her shoes. I would have to give up everything I knew to be with my child.

  My heart drummed in my chest. My nerves tingled, makin’ me jumpy all over. The pain I had experienced as I walked over was masked by happiness the moment Jackson opened the door, Joshua in his arms.

  The cuts and bruises on Jackson’s face and the bandages around his neck silenced my joy. Jackson didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. The smile that formed on his lips and the light in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. He opened the door wide and invited us inside, handin’ Joshua to Mama, who took him without so much as a pause in her breath.

  Cringin’ with each painful step, Jackson took a step toward me and opened his arms. I melted into them. The feel of the bandages beneath his shirt saddened me. The familiarity of his chest, the way we fit together, the warm scent of his skin, lessened my sadness. Jackson was there, he was alive, and that was all that mattered.

  Tires screeched out front. Jackson tensed.

  Tinsel flew through the front door. “It’s that white guy, the one who beat Thomas!”

  Jimmy Lee. Mama handed Joshua to Patricia.

  The three of us went to the front of the house. Jackson told us to stay inside as he limped out the front door and down the steps. We watched him from the open window. Jimmy Lee stood beside his truck, parked caddycorner across the middle of the street. He swayed, and I wondered if he’d been drinkin’.

  Jackson stood strong—legs planted firmly apart, arms crossed, biceps twitchin’. I grabbed Mama’s hand and listened, hopin’ Jimmy Lee didn’t know we were there.

  “Whaddaya want, Jimmy Lee?” Jackson asked.

  Jimmy Lee stared at him. “My wife,” he said.

  I held my breath.

  “She’s not here. Why don’t you go home and wait for her?”

  Jimmy Lee took a step toward Jackson. Jackson didn’t move.

  “You think I’m stupid, nigger? I know she and her stupid-ass mother are here. Parked right over at the church.” He took another few steps, until he was just a foot from Jackson. Jimmy Lee crossed his arms and looked down his nose at Jackson. “Get out here, Alison, or I’ll kill this nigger.”

  Mama shook her head, and mouthed, “Don’t you move.”

  “You know I’ll do it, and that Negro baby, too,” Jimmy Lee threatened.

  I started for the door. Mama grabbed my arm. “Alison.”

  “He’s not gonna hurt me, but he’ll hurt them,” I said with little faith in my own words.

  I pushed nervously through the screen door and stood on the porch.

  Jimmy Lee started for me. “You little bitch.”

  “Hey!” Jackson said and took a step between us. My injured sentry.

  “Jackson, don’t!” I ran down the steps and stood beside him. “He’s not worth it.” I stood between Jackson and Jimmy Lee. “I don’t want no trouble, Jimmy Lee. I made a mistake by marryin’ you, and I’m sorry for that, but—”

  He grabbed my arm and started for the truck.

  “Let go of me!” I shrieked, punchin’ and kickin’ uselessly.

  Jackson ran into the street. Mama was on his heels. My father’s truck raced down the road, slammin’ to a halt behind Jimmy Lee’s truck. Maggie and Jake flew out of the truck and ran toward us. My father stepped out from behind his door.

  “Let her go!” Maggie yelled.

  “Jimmy Lee, what the hell are you doin’?” Jake approached him and Jimmy Lee yanked me away, clutchin’ my arm so tight I thought it might snap.

  “You let her go now, Jimmy Lee.” My father’s voice left no room for negotiation. He raised the shotgun he carried at his side.

  Maggie grabbed my free arm.

  Jimmy Lee pulled me away from her as Jackson closed in on him.

  “Step back, Jackson,” Daddy said. He had Jimmy Lee in his scope, his finger on the trigger.

  “Daddy,” Jake said. “That’ll make you no better than him.”

  “Shut up, Jake,” Daddy said.

  “You won’t kill me,” Jimmy Lee said. “You don’t like niggers any more than I do.”

  My father didn’t hesitate for a second. His voice was calm and fierce. “But I love my daughter.” He lifted his trigger finger, then placed it on the trigger once again, the way he did when he was huntin’, right before he pulled one off. “And whoever my daughter loves, I love, and she don’t love you no more.” He took a step closer to Jimmy Lee, the barrel of the gun inches from his cheek. “The way I see it, you’ve killed a man for less than what you’re doin’ right now. There ain’t no way I’ll do time. We all see you manhandlin’ my daughter, and don’t think I won’t press charges against you for beatin’ her until she hemorrhaged.”

  “I didn’t do that,” Jimmy Lee protested.

  “Didn’t you? I saw it, and I remember it clear as day.” Patricia stood on the front porch, Joshua in her arms, a dark bruise of proof on her cheek.

  “A nigger’s word against mine?” he laughed.

  “Somethin’ tells me you got more than one nigga’ after you,” Daddy said.

  Jimmy Lee shifted his eyes to my father, squintin’ a threat in his direction and squeezin’ my arm ‘til I yelped. Daddy kept his gun trained on Jimmy Lee.

  “Y’all are a bunch of nigger lovers.” He pushed me away.

  Maggie clamored forward and pulled me into her arms.

  “You better watch your backs,” his voice quaked as he moved backward toward his truck. “My uncle’ll kill you niggers, and you, too.” He pointed to Daddy. “My uncle’ll make sure you don’t ever earn another penny.”

  My father kept the gun trained on Jimmy Lee’s truck until it turned the corner and drove out of sight.

  I clung to Maggie. “Daddy?”

  “I had to tell him,” Maggie spoke with an urgency that shook me. “When I thought about you and Mama comin’ here alone, I got really scared. I’m sorry, Pix.”

  “Sorry? You saved Jackson’s life, and probably mine, too.” I turned to thank Daddy and saw that he had the gun trained on Jackson, who stood with his hands up, the whites of his eyes as large as gumballs. “Daddy! What are you doin’?”

  I ran in front of Jackson and held out my arms, shieldin’ him from Daddy’s gun.

  “Step back, Alison,” he said, narrowin’ his eyes.

  “No, Daddy. I won’t.” I watched Daddy’s eyes. I swear I saw somethin’ more than anger there—sadness? Loss of his daughter? I didn’t care. “I love him, Daddy. I love him with all my heart.” I pointed to Joshua, swaddled close to Patricia’s chest. “That’s your grandson, whether you like it or not. He exists, and I love him, too.”

  “Step away now,” he commanded.

  I remained where I was, my legs tremblin’ like leaves in the wind.

  “Alison Jean, your place is—”

  “My place is wherever Jackson and Joshua are. I love you, Daddy, and I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry, but I love him, and if you love me, you’ll let us be.”

  His shoulders dropped, just a smidgen.

  “Please, Daddy?” I begged.

  Mama moved next to Daddy and touched his tense shoulder. “Ralph,” she whispered. “She’s your daughter. You can’t keep pushin’ all of your children away. The world is changin’, and they have a right to change, too.”

  My father turned to look at her, and the way he squinted and clenched his jaw, I worried he’d just explode, that we’d pushed him too far. To my surprise, he lowered the gun. There was a collective sigh of relief as Daddy turned to look at Maggie, then at me. I was so scared of losin’ him, and in that moment I felt, more than saw, the transition from my bein’ Daddy’s little girl to somethin’ else, somethin’ less, maybe.

  “Thank you, Daddy,” I said, hopin’ for somethin’ more.

  He swung the shotgun up the second I stepped away from Jackson, set him
in his sight again, and said, “If you ever hurt my daughter I will not hesitate to kill you.”

  “Yes, sir,” Jackson said in a respectful tone. “Sir, I love your daughter and our son with all of my heart and soul. I’d willin’ly give my life for her, but with all due respect, sir, I would rather live, and we can’t do that here. Not now, and maybe not ever.”

  “What?” I knew he was right. We couldn’t live together here. The Lovings fled the south and we would have to, also. My heart stung so badly, I felt as if it was bein’ squeezed in a giant fist.

  Jackson shook his head. “Alison, we’d fear for our lives, for Joshua’s life, every minute of every day. I think movin’ to New York, where I have a job, where interracial couples might not be the norm, but they exist without the fear of bein’ killed, would be our safest move.”

  New York? So far away from Mama and Daddy?

  “Joshua needs to be raised in a safe, lovin’ environment,” he continued. “We have the love, but here,” he pointed in the direction of Main Street, “we have no safety. Not yet.”

  “You’re takin’ my daughter away?” My father said, liftin’ his gun once more.

  Mama set her hand gently on the top of the gun and pushed it down until it was pointed at the ground. “Ralph,” she whispered.

  My father’s eyes shot darts in her direction, then softened. He wiped his face with his free hand, then stared into the field, his silence magnified the tension that hung around us. With the slightest nod of his head, he conceded.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  After a month of livin’ in New York, I’m still gettin’ used to bein’ in public with Jackson and Joshua without bein’ gobbled up with fear for our safety. Sure, we still received the chin-snub from many, even some harsh comments, but a chin-snub and comments were a lot easier to take when you had friends like Darla, Bear, and Marlo, and a sister like Maggie, who snubbed and commented right back.

  Although Daddy didn’t allow Jake to apply to Mississippi State when he’d found the application on Jake’s desk, he eventually agreed to allow him to take an art class at the community college. Maybe Maggie was right all along, and Daddy simply didn’t want to let Jake leave town.