Have No Shame

by Melissa Foster

  She wasn’t being condescending or making me feel like I was weak. Mama was doing what any mother would—offering genuine support that carried through her tone and wrapped itself around me like her loving arms. Even so, she didn’t know how wrong she was.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  My heart leapt with the ringing of the phone. I sat up in bed, still encased in a sleep-induced fog.

  “Pixie, are you alright? Mama told me about Jimmy Lee.” Maggie didn’t give me time to respond. “About time, huh?”

  “Maggie.” I sat up and tried to wrap my mind around why I was hoping it was Jimmy Lee. “He’s my husband. This isn’t really good news.” Except, it kinda is.

  “I’m sorry, you’re right, but it does clear the path. The boycott is right around the corner, and it’ll be easier with him out of the way.”

  “You shouldn’t be callin’. You can’t afford it,” I said.

  “This is different, Pix. It’s one phone call. I’d go into debt to make sure you’re alright. Don’t ya’ know that yet?”

  I was comforted by Maggie’s words, and wishing I could chance a phone call to Jackson. Maggie’s call was one thing, but a call to Jackson would leave a trail that could only end in trouble when Jimmy Lee saw the phone bill.

  “The meetin’ went well. We’ve got a system set up to disseminate information, and I don’t think anyone knows about the effort. Mr. Kane was brilliant. What’s happenin’ up there?”

  “They’re plannin’ a march in South Carolina over the weekend, to help integrate one of the schools. I’m thinkin’ about goin’.”

  “Maggie! You promised you wouldn’t do anything dangerous.” I threw my legs over the side of the bed. The apartment was silent around me, the sun peerin’ in through the bedroom curtains. I thought of Jimmy Lee sitting in a jail cell, and though I had been emotional about him being taken away yesterday, I felt no sorrow today. I didn’t miss him. I didn’t worry. I knew his uncle would take care of him. I finally began to see how little room there had been for me in his life from day one of our marriage, and now I no longer cared.

  “It’s fine, Pix. I won’t go if it looks like there’s gonna be trouble.”

  “There’ll be trouble alright, Maggie. Hey, you knew about Mama. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was worried about you. You and Daddy are so close.”

  “Were so close.”

  “Oh, Pix, no. What’s happened?” I pictured Maggie’s eyebrows coming together, and that worried look passing over her face.

  “Nothin’ happened, really. I’m just not the same little girl I once was, and some of the things Daddy does, well, they’re irkin’ me more and more. I’m havin’ a hard time keepin’ my mouth shut.”

  “Oh, no, Pix. Don’t do what I did. It’s not worth it. Daddy doesn’t mean to be the way he is. He’s just doin’ what he was brought up to do and to believe. Don’t let this come between you.” She paused. “I miss him. I miss our family.”

  “I know. I do, too,” I said, and I meant it. “I wonder if they’re gonna nail Jimmy Lee for beatin’ up Albert too, or killin’ Mr. Bingham?”

  Maggie was silent for a moment. “I hope they do,” she said, then quickly added, “I’m sorry. I know he’s your husband, but—”

  “It’s okay. I’m so conflicted about all of this, but if I weren’t married to him, I’d want the right thing to happen. How’s Jackson?” I squeezed my eyes shut, praying she wouldn’t think too much about why I’d asked.

  “He’s doin’ really well. He’s goin’ to the march, too. He’s enmeshed more deeply than I am on the outside, so he keeps us all up to date on the movements he attends.”

  My heart sank. “He goes to marches and things?”

  “Yeah, he goes to most of them. He’s got a huge followin’ and he’s really rallied the folks across five states. Who knew a leader would come out of Forrest Town? Crazy, right?”

  “Yeah, crazy. Hey, Maggie, I gotta run. Patricia is bringin’ me the meetin’ information when she picks up her husband’s lunch today at the diner. Love you, and call me the second you get back from the march. I know you can’t really afford it, but just a quick call. I wanna know you’re okay.”

  The order for lunch wasn’t called in that morning, and I was surprised when there was a knock at the back door. I swung the door open, expecting to see Patricia, but she wasn't the one who showed up that afternoon. A middle-school-aged boy with darker skin was bent over, leaning on his knees, panting like he’d been running for too long. He looked up at me with eyes so big and white they were unsettling.

  “Mr. Green, the father of the boy who was beat up, is missin’,” he said.

  “What do you mean missin’?”

  He stood, pushing his hands into his sides as he panted out an answer. “Didn’t come home last night. Everyone’s worried.”

  Oh, no. My heart slammed into my ribs, chasing a chill up my arms. “Where’s Patricia?” I asked, then looked back over my shoulder for Jean, who was busy at the cash register.

  “She’s at home, ‘fraid to leave. Everyone’s lookin’ for him.” He looked frantically up and down the alley. “I gotta go.” He ran away, leaving me staring after him, frightened and feeling useless. I prayed that Mr. Green was okay, but I knew otherwise. Mr. Bingham. The river.

  “Jean,” I called as I made my way to the front of the diner. “I’m not feelin’ so well, do you mind if I go?”

  She was at my side in seconds. “Are you okay? Want me to get Joe to drive you home?”

  “No, I’m okay, just a little off. I think I need to rest. This whole thing with Jimmy Lee has me tied in knots.” Jimmy Lee. If something happened to Mr. Green, then at least this time it wasn’t at the hands of my husband.

  “Sure, sugar, you go. You don’t work again ‘til Monday, so you rest up.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Please don’t be there. Please don’t be there. I didn’t see anything along the way to the river—literally. I didn’t notice if there were cars going down the street or people milling about in town. I had tunnel vision, clouded by the image of Mr. Bingham, and my nerves remembering the fear that consumed me when I found him. I shook and trembled as I made my way through the woods, passing trees and stepping over logs as if on autopilot. Please don’t be there.

  I don’t know what made me think that I’d find Mr. Green in that same location, or why I thought I’d find him at all, but something told me I would. I pushed through the last bush and into the clearing. Tears burned my eyes and I squeezed them away. Please don’t be here. Scenarios raced through my mind. What if I found him? Who would I tell? Would we all be next, everyone who was at the meeting?

  The river flowed steady and fast from the recent rains. I climbed over the rocks to the edge, flashes of memory coming at me hard and fast. I looked down river, then up. A tangle of something massive in the branches of a tree that sprouted from the water’s edge sent a stab of fear through me. Please don’t be him. I moved cautiously towards it. Please don’t be him. Twigs and grass covered a mound of something brown. I stopped dead in my tracks. What was I doing? I can’t do this again. I can’t take it. I turned toward the woods, but knew I had to continue on. Adrenaline pushed me forward, fear made each step like walking through quicksand. I crouched by the water’s edge, praying it wasn’t him. I poked at the mass of muck and twigs. The mass didn’t budge. I used the stick to clear away a spot in the center of the mass, revealing brown fur. I dropped to my knees, covering my face with my hands, and let the tears fall. I glanced back up at the mass, and it was then, through my blurry eyes, that I saw the long, thick neck craned backward, the horse’s head positioned at a painful angle, buried deep under the water.

  I walked down river, away from town, partially to get closer to where the woods met my apartment, and partially to calm my revved up nerves. I wished Jackson was there. What I needed more than anything was someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay, because as it stood, I c
ouldn’t see anything being okay any time soon.

  Vultures circled overhead, giving the white sky and chilly air an ominous weight. I stopped at the edge of the woods, listening to the flow of the river and the birds cawing overhead. I placed my hand on my expanding belly and closed my eyes, trying to envision what my life would be like once my baby came. Darkness prevailed. I saw my lonely apartment, and Jimmy Lee’s drunken comments and disheartening absence. I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. I put my other hand on my belly and envisioned what my life might’ve been like if I had gone to New York with Jackson—if the baby within me had been his. The glow of his face filled me with warmth and comfort, his soft and supportive eyes danced with light, a smile graced his plump lips. The smell of his sweat came back to me, the feel of his hands on my body gave me goose bumps. Beneath my fingers, my baby moved, bringing with it renewed thoughts of security. I wanted my baby to have what I had growing up—two parents who loved each other, safe goodnight kisses, and a sense that the world was safe. I wanted that more than I wanted to breathe fresh air. I opened my eyes, reality all around me in the place I stood, the reason why I was there. I had to decide once and for all, before it was too late. Was I staying with Jimmy Lee, as Mama said, to help with integration efforts, for the greater good of the community, and for all babies who would come forth after that time, or could I close my eyes and walk away, without a care for what happened outside my own thin walls?

  I pondered that thought as I navigated my way through the woods, toward home.

  Street noises filtered in through the trees as I neared the apartments. A blood-curdling scream came from somewhere off in the distance. I stopped. Listened. More screaming. Footsteps rushing through the brush. All at once people were running into the woods, hollering in the direction of the outcry. I followed the panicked trail toward the screams.

  A deep voice hushed the screaming woman and broke through the panic. “Get back. Everyone, get back.”

  I peered past the group of people and followed their craned necks up toward the umbrella of trees. Mr. Green’s limp body hung from a rope like a deer bleeding out. I turned away, grabbing a nearby tree for support. Why did this have to happen? Fear pierced my thoughts—was it because of our meeting? Did someone know? I racked my brain trying to remember if Mr. Green was at the meeting, and came up empty. Jimmy Lee had beat up his son. A shudder ran through me as comprehension of what was sure to be the truth set in.

  A young mother turned away, hurrying out of the woods with her child in her arms. Two white men turned and walked away at a calm, even pace, one muttering, “Got what he deserved. ”

  Every muscle in my body stiffened. I willed myself not to run up to those men and smack them across their pompous cheeks. Enough was enough.

  A colored man scurried up the tree and cut the rope, dropping Mr. Green’s limp body into the arms of three colored men waiting below.

  “There’s a note,” one of the men said. He pulled a piece of paper out of the pocket of Mr. Green’s flannel shirt. His dark eyes scanned the note, and then he dropped his hand to his side without uttering a word. The man standing next to him took the note from his hand.

  “It’s a warning. It says, ‘Back off or you’re next.’”

  “Back off what?” a colored woman asked.

  Back off? Of the charges to Jimmy Lee? Of the boycott? I turned and ran home as fast as my pregnant body would carry me. Mr. Green’s lifeless body solidified my decision. There was only one way that I could ever move forward with my life without living in regret’s unforgiving shadow.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  I flew in the apartment door, grabbed the phone from the table, and dialed Maggie’s number. Her phone rang and rang. I hung up and tried to reach Mama. There was no answer. I walked in circles, wishing I could go to the jail and talk to Jimmy Lee. His uncle said he’d take care of it. I lowered myself to the couch. He’d take care of it. Mr. Carlisle. Of course.

  “The same way you took care of Mr. Bingham for your brother?” I stomped across the floor. The hell with this.

  I yanked open the bedroom closet door. The shoebox, where I used to keep Maggie’s letters, sat empty on the top shelf. I dug the bag of summer clothes out from the back and emptied it onto the bed. I found the pair of dark blue shorts and unzipped the tiny pocket, then withdrew the small piece of paper, and walked back to the phone. Staring at the receiver, I gathered my courage, remembering the morning after I’d returned home from New York. After Jimmy Lee had gone to work I’d hidden Jackson’s phone number in the closet. I couldn’t bear throwing it away, and Jackson had made me promise to use it if I was ever in trouble. I reached for the receiver, and unclenched my shaking hand. The slip of paper fluttered down onto the bed. I dialed Jackon's number, watching the rotary move painstakingly slowly back to zero with each pull of a number.

  “Hello?”

  My voice stalled in my throat. What was I doin’?

  “Hello?” he said, again.

  “It’s…it’s me,” I said softly.

  He was silent for a beat. “Alison?”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Alison, what’s wrong? We said we wouldn’t take the chance of callin’. Are you alright?”

  “They killed another man. Jimmy Lee got arrested for beatin’ up Thomas Green and now Mr. Green’s been hung.” Tears streamed down my cheeks. I held the receiver so tight my knuckles hurt. “There was a note in his pocket that said somethin’ like, ‘Back off or you’re next.’ And his uncle, Billy, he told me not to go to the jailhouse.” I spoke so fast I could barely breathe. “He said he’d take care of it, but Jimmy Lee didn’t come home, so I guess he’s still in jail, and I have no idea what else Mr. Carlisle might have meant. I thought he meant he’d get a lawyer or somethin’. Oh, God, Jackson, what should I do?” I gasped a quick breath. “I think Jimmy Lee had him killed.”

  “Okay, okay. Damn it. But you’re alright? Where are you?”

  “I’m fine. I’m at my apartment.”

  “Maggie and I are leavin’ in an hour to go to South Carolina. Damn it. Can you call Mr. Kane? Let him know what’s goin’ on? Alison, how can you be sure this isn’t because they caught wind of the boycott?”

  “I can’t, but I’ve wracked my brain and I don’t remember Mr. Green bein’ at the meetin’. I’ll call Mr. Kane. He’ll know if he was there. He knows everyone who attends.”

  “Can you go stay at your mother’s?” Jackson asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Alison, I don’t want you to be alone. If there’s any chance that Jimmy Lee knows what we’re up to, you’ll be in danger.”

  He was right. “Okay, I’ll stay at my parents’. I wish you were here.” I wished so hard, my stomach ached.

  “Me too, but we couldn’t be together anyway, so what good would it do?”

  “Why do you have to be so practical?” Wishing that, just for once since leaving home, someone would make everything in my life okay.

  “Because I want to stay alive.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  “Life got you a little freaked out, sis?” Jake asked when he came to pick me up in Daddy’s truck.

  “A little.”

  “Want me to take you to see Jimmy Lee?”

  It hadn’t dawned on me that going to see him was an option. I was still the obedient, little girl Daddy raised. I didn’t really want to see Jimmy Lee, but part of me thought it was my wifely duty to act as if I cared, and another part of me wanted to try and figure out what was going on in his head.

  “You’d do that?”

  Jake drove toward the jailhouse and handed me a paper he’d had tucked under his leg.

  I unfolded the paper and was surprised to find an application to Mississippi State. “Where’d you get this?”

  “Mama got it for me.”

  “No, she did not.”

  Jake grinned. “Daddy doesn’t know. She said it wouldn’t be easy to get in, and I’d have to work to affor
d it, but she said they had great art courses.”

  “Jake, what will Daddy say? You can’t leave him.” We can’t all leave him.

  “I probably won’t even get in, but Mama says I have to try. I don’t know what’s come over her, but she’s been different since you left.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “I don’t know, just different. She’s all…like, tellin’ me to follow my dreams, and she takes pies she bakes outside to the field hands and stuff.” Jake laughed, then said, “You shoulda seen Daddy’s face the first time she took them a snack. He shot her a look, and she just went on like she didn’t see it.”

  I couldn’t believe Mama was taking such blatant strides. I wondered what other changes I might find when I got back to the farm.

  The jail smelled like old leather and summer sweat. I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat and waited to be taken back to see Jimmy Lee.

  Jake leaned in close beside me. “You okay?”

  I nodded, unable to speak. What would I say to Jimmy Lee? What if his uncle came in and saw me? I shuffled my feet and clasped my hands together.

  “Would you really go to that school?”

  Jake shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. I want to.”

  My world was changing, and I was either going to change right along with it, or remain in an unhappy marriage and raise my child with a racist husband.

  “Mrs. Carlisle?” A bald, overweight officer spoke with a stern voice as he held the door open. His eyes dropped to my pregnant belly.

  “A woman in your condition shouldn’t have ta worry yourself none. None of us want your husband in here. He was just cleanin’ house.”

  Cleanin’ house? Was the entire police department corrupt?

  “He’ll be out of here soon enough.” He turned and winked.