"Because I can't help you."
"You have been helping me! Don't you get that?" He throws his head back. "You can't do this! Please! You can't!"
His anger bubbles over, and he throws his fist right into the wall, but I know it's only the drugs. Jace isn't like this. Not the Jace I know. He's kind, and caring, and a bit of a pompous jerk, but the best jerk I know.
"Jace!" Carter shouts from his doorway.
Jace turns around and points at him. "You stay out of this! Haven't you done enough fucking damage for one week?"
He turns back to me, and for the first time in my life, I actually see tears welling in his eyes. "Don't leave me."
A single tear leaks out and slides down my cheek. "I have to."
His hand moves to his chest, like it's genuinely breaking his heart to have me leave him, but Becca was right. There are times where you have to put yourself first, and that's where I'm at.
"You promised," he says, sounding as broken as he looks.
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve in an attempt to make it easier to see. "I know. I'm sorry."
He doesn't stop me as I step backward, closer to the door.
"I'm so sorry."
It isn't until I open the door, that his words stop me in my tracks.
"Wait," he calls. "I'll quit."
My eyes widen, and as I look over at Carter, his are the same.
"I'll stop. I swear. Just please don't leave."
"I can't be the one to save you, Jace," I say with a shake of my head.
He looks at me with nothing but sincerity. "I don't want you to. I just want you to stand beside me while I save myself."
After hearing Jace tell him where to find the drugs he has hidden away, Carter pushes himself off the doorway and walks toward Jace's bedroom, while I go directly into Jace’s arms. He buries his face in my neck and takes a few seconds to calm down, but I know better than to believe that's all he has.
I lead Jace to his bedroom by the hand. Carter is just finding the bottle of pills when we get in there, but he's also checking the rest of the nightstand too.
"Is this it?" he asks.
Jace nods, but I remember how he was messing around with something near his desk yesterday.
I narrow my eyes at him while saying, "Check the desk."
The sigh Jace lets out the second the words leave my mouth tells me I was right, and Carter finds a little baggie taped to the underside of the wood.
He turns to Jace. "Where else? Because I'm telling you right now, if there's more hidden in here, she's going to leave."
Jace's grip around me tightens, and he looks over at the closet. "Shoebox. Top shelf."
Carter goes and retrieves that last of it, and then brings it all into the bathroom and flushes it down the toilet. The second it's gone, there's a weight lifted off my chest, but I know it's only the beginning.
If he's willing to fight, then so am I.
THE FIRST NIGHT IS the same as every one before it, except for the emotions. Jace knows what's coming, and Zayn comes over to explain it to me. Apparently, he went through all of this with Easton, so he has a pretty good idea of what's going to happen.
Carter and I listen intently, making sure that we're prepared—especially because there are going to be mood swings associated with it. Zayn stresses that more to me than Carter—that I need to not take anything he says in the next week to heart. The body goes through a lot when it's craving the one thing you won't give it.
Meanwhile, Jace stays pressed against my side, not saying much. I can't really blame him. He's been through a lot, and it's all catching up to him. I had asked Carter if he thought we should send him to a facility to withdraw safely, but Jace panicked. Going to a facility would mean leaving me, and that's not something he wants.
So, Carter and I both agreed to try it this way.
That night, when we finally go to sleep, I lay in bed with my head on Jace's chest and fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or the next few days for that matter, but I do know we'll get through it. Because the alternative is not an option.
FROM THE SECOND HE opens his eyes, I can tell Jace is already starting to withdraw. His head is pounding, and no amount of caffeine or pain reliever will help him. And we’re nowhere near the worst of it.
"Do you want me to try massaging your head?" I suggest as he lies on my lap.
He hums "You can try. I don't know if it will help, though. It feels like someone is trying to carve out my brain."
I rub my hands over his scalp, slowly massaging, and somehow, I manage to get him to fall asleep. I’m afraid he’ll wake if I stop, so I keep going until Carter comes in.
"I picked up pretty much everything we need from the store," he says as he puts a ton of bags on the counter. "Food, Gatorade, water, and all of the Excedrin they had in stock."
For a moment, I almost ask if that's really necessary, but then Jace groans in his sleep, and it knocks the words right from my mouth. According to Zayn, the next few days are not going to be fun. It's going to get progressively worse before it gets better, and his headaches are only the tip of it all.
We both decided it was best for Jace if we both stayed for the first day, but while I'm able to miss class for a couple days, Carter is on a stricter schedule, mainly because he and Jace are on academic probation after being expelled from Florida State.
It's fine, though, because I promised Jace I would stay the whole time and help him through this. And that's a promise I'm not about to break. Not when he's trying so hard and going through hell just to get better. The least I can do is stay by his side while he does it.
"I emailed my professors today and asked them to send me the assignments I need," I tell Carter. "Did you get that doctor's note from his therapist?"
He pulls it out of his back pocket and holds it up. "Yep. I had to give her a general idea of what's going on, and she stressed that while she can cancel this appointment without telling his dad, Jace has to make the next one."
"That's good, and I think he should go see his therapist. I think she could really help him."
Carter chuckles as he puts away the milk. "Yeah, but try telling him that."
"He goes, though, doesn't he?" I question.
He finishes putting away the groceries and tilts his head from side to side as he walks toward the couch. "Yes and no. He goes, because if he doesn't, his dad will take away his trust fund."
Oh, God. "He railroaded him into it."
"Hard."
"No wonder Jace has been resisting help." I look down at the sleeping man in my lap. "It has to be his own choice to get better. Forcing him into it is never going to do any good."
Carter takes a seat and watches us carefully. "No, but you did."
I turn my attention to him, and my brows furrow. "Me?"
He nods. "You were enough to make him want to quit. I kind of figured you would be."
"Why me?"
Chucking softly, he picks up the controller and turns on the video games. "Isn't it obvious? Christ, Paige. He's been in love with you since we were kids."
No. That's not possible. "Yeah, okay."
"I'm serious," he insists. "He didn't admit to it right away, but I always knew."
All his words are registering, but two stand out. "Right away? You mean he admitted that at one point?"
Instead of confirming it, he glances over at me and simply smiles—ending the topic right there where it stands and giving me no more than hope.
It's no secret that Jace has always been that person for me. In middle school, when he got his first girlfriend—a girl named Missy in our science class—I wondered why it wasn't me. I was there when he got his license, and then talked about how he was so excited that he would be able to take girls out on dates. It was always Jace, Carter, and me, and I always just assumed he saw me as one of the guys, but there wasn't a day that I didn't wish he would look at me differently.
It wasn't until senior
year that things changed.
Two Years Ago
Jace's house is packed with people from Haven Grace Prep. Of course, there are a few North Haven High kids who managed to sneak in, but for the most part it’s a pretty good group.
I'm sitting on the kitchen island, watching as Grayson does a body-shot off of Savannah's stomach. Meanwhile, Jace and Carter watch him with pure envy.
Savannah has always been that one girl. The queen B. The favorite. The one everyone either wants to be or wants to be with. For a while, I was jealous of her. I mean, she had it all, and she didn't even try, but then I learned she really didn't. Her home life was a shitshow until Grayson became some kind of hero and saved her from it all. Apparently they have been friends since they were little, and while he moved away for a bit and they had their issues, they got through them. Now, I've never seen her happier.
If there's one thing everyone knows, it's that both Jace and Carter have both been trying to be the object of Sav's affection since she came to school freshman year. But neither of them were successful, and now they have to watch her with Grayson.
A part of me feels bad for them, but then I realize that's how I've felt about Jace for years. Knowing he's getting at least a small dose of his own medicine is only fair, right?
"I swear that has to be the most action this kitchen has ever seen," I quip, seeing how sexual they make just a simple body-shot.
Jace is leaning next to me and chuckles against his cup. "Are you insinuating I haven't had sex in my kitchen?"
"Have you?"
He smirks for a second but then shakes his head. "Nah, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't."
I roll my eyes. "Of course you would."
"I would! I just haven't had any willing participants."
Mhm, sure. "You've had plenty. I'm pretty sure I could throw a rock in here and hit at least four of them."
Looking around, he purses his lips and shrugs. "Maybe they're just not the one I'm interested in."
"Oh? And who are you interested in?"
He turns and cages me in on the island in between his arms. His face is so close to mine that my breathing slows as I try to anticipate his next move, but I can't. At first I think he's going to kiss me, but instead, he moves to the side and brings his lips to my ear.
"Stick around after the party and maybe you'll find out." His tone is so sickeningly seductive, and damn near steals the air straight from my lungs.
As he backs away and goes over to Carter, Becca gives me a look from across the room. She's known about my thing for Jace for years, so all I can manage to do is flip her off. She laughs and goes back to paying attention to the guy she's talking to, but my mind is still locked on Jace.
The night when the party ended was probably the most nerve-wracking of my life. I knew that I didn't want to be another one of his one-and-dones. And I'd heard him talk to Carter; I knew he had a lot of them. But instead, we watched about half a movie before he even kissed me.
"I seriously don't understand why all guys love this movie," I tell him.
He looks over at me like I'm some kind of monster. "What? Who doesn't like The Terminator? It's a classic!"
"A classic for guys." I say with a shrug, completely unashamed. "It's just entirely unrealistic. You expect me to believe this shit could happen in real life?"
"No, because it's a movie. Movies aren't real, Paige."
I roll my eyes. "I just like when my movies have a little more actual possibility to them."
"This is coming from the girl whose favorite movie is Legally Blonde," he deadpans.
Grabbing the closest pillow to me, I smack him with it. "A girl becoming a lawyer is completely realistic."
He throws his head back laughing. "She did it just to get the attention of a guy. You really think that's admirable?"
"Are you really making fun of my favorite movie?"
"You made fun of mine."
I cross my arms over my chest and pout like a child. "Fine. Agree to disagree."
Chuckling, he pulls me against him and my head rests against his chest. "Oh, come on. It could be worse. I could've put on porn."
My heart starts to race as I turn to look at him. "Kitchen porn?"
His smile widens. "That got in your head, huh?"
"No." I pause. "Maybe, but it's not happening."
"Why not?"
The truth sits heavily on my heart and I sigh. "Because I refuse to be another one of your conquests."
"My conquests?" he says with a grin. "Is that what they are?"
"Would you rather I call them your whores?" I ask grumpily.
He instantly shakes his head. "Nope. Conquests are fine. No need to make me feel dirty."
I go back to watching the movie, but only a few minutes later, his hand rests on my chin, and he turns me to face him.
"You could never be just a number on a list," he whispers. "You're too perfect for that."
Moving in slowly, he gives me every chance to turn away, but I'm frozen in place. I close my eyes and wait for the moment his lips meet mine, and when they do, it's everything. His hand stays on my chin as his mouth moves against mine. It's nothing intense. It doesn't even seem to have a destination. It simply feels like all he's wanted is to kiss me, and that alone makes me come alive.
ZAYN WAS RIGHT. THIS only gets worse for the next few days. Today, Jace woke up and immediately started vomiting. He's constantly covered in sweat, and he keeps complaining that his entire body hurts. I've done the best I can to keep him hydrated, but I'm really worried that all he's done is puke it back up.
"It's going to be okay, babe," I whisper as I run my fingers through his hair to keep it out of his face.
He keeps his eyes closed. "You keep saying that."
"I'm just trying to stay positive."
"Well don't. It's fucking annoying."
I know he doesn't mean to be an ass. It's just the withdrawal talking. But still, that doesn't make hearing it any easier. This is probably why people detox in facilities instead of around loved ones, but we're doing it here, so it's just something I have to deal with for a few days.
CARTER GETS HOME RIGHT as Jace finishes throwing up the soup I begged him to eat. He didn't even want it in the first place, so it's no surprise that it came right back up. We already talked about how I need to go home for a couple hours to shower and grab some clothes, and while Jace wasn't happy about it and claimed I'm leaving him, he agreed to it.
"Carter's here, okay?" I say softly, careful not to make his headache worse.
He looks over at his best friend and cringes. "He's enjoying this."
"He is not."
Carter quirks his lips. "I mean, he brought it on himself by being a dumbass, so I am a little."
I narrow my eyes at him. "Don't be an asshole."
He raises his hands. "Sorry."
With a kiss on Jace's forehead, I promise him that I'll be back in a couple hours and head out the door.
To be honest, it's nice to have a little break. Watching him like this, no matter how much I mentally prepared for it, is hard. The number of times he has said that he doesn't want to do it anymore and asked me to call Rinaldo for him is overwhelming. But I know he needs to push through. He made me swear before things got bad that I would make him get through it, and I plan on doing exactly that.
WALKING THROUGH MY FRONT door, I instantly feel that comfort only home can bring. The warmth encases me, and I finally feel like I can stop being strong, until the sound of my dad coughing reminds me that I'm wrong. I can't, because I have to be a rock here, too.
Everything starts to become too much all at once, and before I know it, my back hits the front door and I slide down the wood as sobs wrack through my entire body. My mom must hear it, because she comes out from the kitchen and her eyes widen in horror.
"Paige?" She rushes over to me. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
"It's so hard, Mom," I cry. "It's just so hard."
She pulls me into her arm
s and holds me close, the same way she used to do when I was a kid and got hurt. "What's hard, baby? Talk to me."
"Jace is sick, and we're trying to make him better, but I hate this for him. And Dad is sick, and nothing I can do can make him better. And I just hate all of this. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it."
"Shh," she soothes me, petting my head. "It's okay. Just let it out."
That's one thing about my mom. She was never the kind of person who would tell me it wasn't okay to cry. She always told me that tears and emotions are what make us human, and that we should let it out if that's what we feel like we need to do. But this is also the same woman who goes to sit in her car when she cries about losing my dad, because she doesn't want him to hear her.
When I finally start to calm down, she pulls me away and looks me in my eyes. "Now, what's wrong with Jace?"
I don't want to tell her, because the last thing I want is for her to worry I've gotten myself involved in the wrong crowd. Jace isn't a bad guy. He's just made some bad choices lately, and I don't think he can really be blamed for that, given what he's been through. But I'd rather play it safe. My mom might not be the judgmental type, but I still don't want her to look at him differently.
"I can't really get into it. He's just been through a lot in the past year, and it finally all came to a breaking point," I explain. "Carter and I are trying to get him through it, but it's hard."
She uses her sleeves to wipe my tears away. "Well, is he going to be okay?"
"I think so. I hope so."
"Then you go focus on Jace," she instructs. "I promise I've got everything here."
I shake my head. "I should be helping you, too."
Her eyes soften, and she smiles. "I've got the love of my life handled. You go take care of yours."
For a second, I open my mouth to correct her, but there's no point.
It's written all over my face every time he walks into the room.
Change My Game: An Emotional Second Chance Romance (North Haven University Book 2) Page 13