by Jewel E. Ann
My fingers trace the muscles of his back and I turn my head and kiss the side of his. He turns and looks at me for a moment before kissing me. It’s patient, soft, and … perfect.
He rolls over, pulling out of me, and I repress the painful gasp from feeling the empty space he leaves inside me. Pulling me into his chest, I rest my ear against his sternum and fall asleep to the soothing beat of his heart, a heart I used to think beat for me and only me.
“I love you … always you.” His words are so quiet—barely a whisper. I’m not sure if he meant for me to hear them.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
July 6th, 2013
A few rays of morning light sneak through the tiny gaps in the blinds. There is a warm body pressed against mine—not the one I fell asleep against; this is a tiny body and her messy hair is in my face. I inhale her scent. We’re alone. Lautner is not here. I’m still naked under the sheets. Not really wanting to play twenty questions with my two-year-old as to why I’m not wearing my jammies, I slip out of bed and put on a T-shirt and shorts.
I hear some noise in the kitchen as I tiptoe downstairs. Rounding the corner I freeze.
Oh shit!
“Good morning. Hope I didn’t wake you running the coffee grinder.” Emma scrunches her nose.
I’m trying my best to hide my deer in the head light look, but I’m shocked and unsure of what to say. It’s now quite clear why he put Ocean back in bed with me. When did she get home? Where is he?
“Coffee?” she asks, reaching in the cabinet for another mug.
“Uh … no, I’m fine thanks.” I smooth back my hair, knowing I must look like a hag this morning.
“Not a coffee person, huh? It’s my survival, especially after my long flight. I was supposed to fly home tomorrow but they canceled the flight, so my choices were a late flight last night or not until Tuesday. Luckily, Lautner got the message I left him before boarding the plane. I chastised him for not answering his phone when I called, especially since he’s on call this weekend. He said Ocean was playing with it and it took him a while to find it after she fell asleep.”
Oh he did, did he?
I’m letting her do all the talking because she knows the story, not me. A heads up from Lautner would have been nice.
“Where is he?” I ask, thinking it’s a safe question.
“On the way back from the airport early this morning he got called in to work, so he dropped me off and headed straight to the hospital. He texted me a few minutes ago and said he’ll be home soon.” She takes a sip of her coffee. “Bummer about your sister’s place.”
Hmm, she’s going to have to elaborate. Wish I would have gotten a text with a script for today. Instead, I’m stuck doing improv.
“Um … yeah …” I nod my head.
“Bedbugs can be a nightmare. She should do a better job of checking the hotel mattresses when she travels.”
“Mmm, yes, she should.”
Bedbugs? What the fuck, Lautner?
“So, how’s your mom?” I find a subject that doesn’t require me to walk through a minefield.
“She’s doing pretty well. My brother showed up early to stay with her; that’s why I was able to take the earlier flight. She’ll be fine by herself in a few more days.”
“That’s good.” I smile and walk to the windows. “Your view is spectacular.”
“It is. I’m going to miss it when we move.”
I turn to her. “You’re moving?”
“Soon as we find the right place. Still in L.A. of course, just something more child-friendly. We want to start our own family right away and now the surprise of Ocean has made us even more determined to find something as soon as we can. Maybe when our kids are grown we’ll trade in the big backyard and swing set for a view like this again.”
This is all so awesome. I haven’t felt this nauseous since I was pregnant. Thinking of Lautner and Emma starting a family and growing old together is just … fabulous!
“Oh, by the way, did Lautner mention the dress fitting next weekend?”
With a tight-lipped smile I shake my head.
“Ocean’s dress will be ready. She just needs to try it on so they can make any last-minute adjustments if needed.” Emma puts her empty cup in the dishwasher.
“Sure … um, I have a wedding I’m photographing next Saturday, but I’m sure you and Lautner can take her.”
“Oh … you landed a wedding gig, good for you. Did you see the photos in his office I was talking about?”
Yes, I stared at them while your fiancé was fucking me against the opposite wall.
“I did. You were right, that photographer has some real talent.”
“I know, right?” She looks at the clock. “Lautner should be back any minute. I’m going to run up and take a quick shower if you don’t mind.”
“Go right ahead,” I offer my prizewinning fake smile.
As soon as I hear the water going upstairs, I fly up to the bedroom and start packing our bags while Ocean continues to sleep. We have to get the hell out of here ASAP!
Setting aside a clean outfit for Ocean, I take our bags out to my Jeep just as Lautner pulls in.
I’m not going to cry … I’m not going to cry.
“Need some help?” he calls, walking toward the back of my Jeep.
“Nope, I’m just fine on my own.” Attempting to stay pleasant and unaffected fails me.
I toss the bags in as he sits on the back bumper.
“I’m sorry.”
Looking at him is not an option in Sydney survival mode. “Don’t be.” I start walking back to the house.
“Sydney?” he calls after me, but I don’t stop.
Kneeling by the coffee table, I shove Ocean’s books and toys into her bag.
“We need to talk.”
I shake my head while keeping my hands busy and my gaze away from fucking Medusa eyes. “There’s nothing to say.”
“There’s everything to say!” he says with a low, firm voice.
I stop what I’m doing and look at him. “Are you going to tell Emma what happened this weekend?”
He wrinkles his forehead. “I-I-are you going to tell Dane?”
“Yes,” I deadpan.
“You are?” His eyes are big.
“Yes.”
“So you’re not getting married?” he cocks his head to the side.
I laugh. “Are you?”
Lautner’s mouth falls open but no words escape.
“Look who just woke up,” Emma says, coming down the stairs in a bathrobe, holding Ocean’s hand.
Standing, I hold out my arms and she runs right into them. “Good morning, baby girl.” I hug her. “Let’s get you dressed, we’re going home soon.”
“I’ll get her some breakfast.” Lautner heads to the kitchen.
“Don’t bother. I’ll pick her up something on the way.”
He turns with a frown, but I don’t acknowledge it. Instead, I take her upstairs and get her ready to go. If only I had a magic wand, we would be back in Palo Alto right now instead of trying to make our escape from here. I don’t know if I’m going to tell Dane about my infidelity; it was more of a test. I needed to see the look on Lautner’s face. My answer came fast and clear. He’s scared shitless to tell Emma, which means he doesn’t want to lose her. That’s all the answer I need.
“Okay, let’s go.” I walk Ocean down the stairs, but pause for a moment.
“God, I missed you,” Emma says. Then I hear her moan. I think they’re kissing. “After they leave we need to get reacquainted.”
“Mmm …” he hums.
A crashing ball just hit my chest. It’s the feeling I had in the restaurant. I can’t breathe. Tears swell in my eyes and I. Can’t. Breathe.
“G-go down—I’ll b-be right—there.” I struggle to get the words out to Ocean.
She doesn’t notice my state. Instead, she continues down the stairs. I run into the bathroom, unintentionally slamming the door behind me. Sitting on the toi
let seat, I fight to slow my breathing. I did this. I allowed this to happen. Now I’m paying the painful price for a weekend of pleasure. The door cracks open, but before I can push it shut or say anything Lautner comes in and closes it behind him.
“Breathe, baby … breathe. Slow it down.” He squats down in front of me, resting his hands on mine.
I hold my breath then try to control the release, searching for my toes, feet, and fingers, focusing on one breath at a time and connecting it to the rest of my body. As I begin to calm down, he wipes away my tears.
“I should not have—”
“Don’t! Don’t you dare say it. If you say you regret what happened this weekend, I’ll hate you forever, so just … don’t.” My voice is still shaky.
He puts his hands on my face and kisses me. I put mine on his and kiss him back between broken sobs and a flood of tears.
I rest my forehead on his. “You love her.” It’s not a question.
“I love you,” he whispers.
“You love her too.”
He doesn’t say anything, but I feel his head nod against mine. I’m going to leave and he’s going to make love to her. He’s going to marry her, and I’m going to have to watch the two of them live happily ever after because we share a child.
“Go put Ocean in the car.”
“Sydney.”
“Just go!”
He stands while I wad some toilet paper and wipe my eyes and nose. Grabbing my purse from the floor, I dig through it and find my sunglasses.
“Go!”
He leaves and I finish cleaning my face before donning my sunglasses. I look into the mirror. “Epic, Syd. If you’re going to dive down to rock bottom, might as well do it in a fucking fireball of flames.”
Emma is still in her robe standing by Lautner, who is talking to Ocean through the open backdoor of the Jeep. I hop in and buckle up.
“We’ll check with you about next weekend, I’ve got to go dry my hair,” Emma calls back with a wave, heading to the front door.
“Bye, my little princess.” Lautner gives Ocean one last kiss then shuts her door. I start my Jeep and try to shove it in gear, but I’m not quick enough. Lautner opens my door.
“Sydney.”
“Shut the door.”
“Say it, why won’t you say it?”
What is he talking about?
“Say what? I don’t know what you mean so shut the door. I think Emma’s inside waiting to get reacquainted.”
He shakes his head, clenching his jaw then shuts the door.
*
It’s an agonizing drive back to Palo Alto. What did Lautner want me to say? Leave Emma, choose me? Don’t go inside and make love to her? I’m sorry? What? It’s sending me over the edge of insanity that I’m always teetering on with him.
“We’re home, baby girl.” I lift a groggy Ocean out of her seat.
I’m surprised Dane isn’t rushing out to greet us. The garage door is up and his Lexus is here. Ocean walks to the house while I get our bags.
“Hey!” I smile at Dane, who is sitting on the couch with a frown on his face that he manages to disguise with a small smile just for Ocean.
“Hi, doll.” He gives her a big hug, then she runs out back to see her doggies.
I set our bags by the stairs then sit next to him on the couch. “What’s wrong?”
He rests his elbows on his knees and runs his fingers through his hair. “How’s Avery doing?” The cold tone of his voice tells me he knows.
“Dane …”
“Did you sleep with him?” This is a new side to Dane. I’ve never seen him look so angry. His fists are clenched and his jaw muscles are twitching.
“We should talk—”
“Did. You. Sleep. With. Him?”
Biting my quivering lips together, I nod and blink back my tears. He stands and takes the stairs two at a time.
“Dane!” I chase after him.
He’s changing into his biking gear.
“Aren’t we going to talk about this?”
Pulling his shirt over his head, he laughs. “Talk about what? You lying to me. You cheating on me? There’s nothing to talk about.” He brushes past me and my tears cannot be held back.
“Dane, wait!”
Before I get to the top of the stairs, I hear the front door slam shut.
“Mommy?” Ocean calls.
Wiping my tear streaked face, I suck in a deep breath and hold it for a moment before releasing it. Ocean doesn’t need to be in the middle of this mess. I have to get it together for her. She’s all that matters.
“Coming, sweetie.”
After getting her a snack, I greet the dogs. It would be easy to regret what happened with Lautner, especially if I lose Dane and Lautner marries Emma. However, I don’t regret it, not one moment. Nothing so wrong has ever felt so right. Hurting Dane, though, I do regret. I don’t expect him to forgive me, and even if he did, things would never be the same between us because he would never forget and neither would I.
After two hours, I start to worry. The sun is setting and Dane’s not back yet. I try his phone but it goes to voice mail. Ocean wants a bath so I take her upstairs and watch her in the tub. My phone rings but I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello?”
“Sydney Montgomery?”
“Yes.”
“My name is Jillian, I’m a nurse at Standford Hospital. You were listed as an emergency contact for Dane Abbott on his running shoe ID tag.”
Oh God, oh God, oh God!
“What happened? Is he okay—”
“He’s been injured in an accident. A motorist hit him on his bike—”
I drop the phone and my breath is stolen again. Ocean plays in the tub, oblivious to my alarmed state.
Breathe slow … slow it down …
Karma, this is Karma. I did this.
“Come here, baby.” I pull Ocean from the tub and dry her off.
My instincts kick in and I get us out of the house and to the hospital.
“Can I help you? The nurse at the desk asks.
“Dane Abbott, a nurse called and said he—”
“Yes, room 238.”
I pick Ocean up and carry her so she doesn’t have to run to keep up with my fast pace.
My stomach is knotted and my heart beats with a dull pain in my chest as we enter the room. Dane is sleeping with a sling around his left arm and shoulder and his leg is elevated with a cast from his knee to toes.
“Dane,” Ocean whispers.
“Shh … sweetie, Dane got hurt on his bike. He needs to sleep.”
The relief that washes over me is indescribable. I imagined all sorts of things since I dropped my phone before the nurse finished talking. Massive head injury, spinal cord injury, I even feared … the worst.
“Are you Sydney?” a soft voice behind me asks.
I turn. “Yes.”
“I’m Jillian. I called you—”
“Oh God, yes … I’m sorry I panicked. My daughter was in the tub and—”
“It’s fine. I should have started with ‘he’s fine,’ so that’s my fault. Are you his wife?”
I start to hold up my left hand but notice my ring isn’t there. It’s the first time I’ve realized I haven’t worn it since the wedding. We never made it to the exchanging of rings. I’m honestly not sure where our rings are.
“Fiancée. What happened?” I turn back and move closer to the bed, setting Ocean in the chair then holding his free hand.
“Witnesses said he was crossing an intersection when a motorist turned right on red. He has a concussion, dislocated shoulder, and a fractured tibia. We’re keeping him over night to monitor his concussion, but he should be able to go home tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
She leaves and I fight so hard to hold back my tears. I don’t want Ocean to think I’m worried about Dane. Although that’s part of it, it’s not the main reason for my emotions. Guilt is tearing me up inside.
Dane�
��s hand twitches as his eyes fight to open.
“Hey …” I hate myself for not knowing what to say beyond “hey.”
“Hey,” he murmurs back.
“Dane,” Ocean calls.
I lift her up and he forces a smile for her. “Hi, doll.”
“Owie?” she asks.
“Yes, owie. I fell off my bike.”
She squirms down and climbs back on the chair digging through my purse, probably for a snack.
Tears fill my eyes and his too. Something tells me the emotional pain he’s experiencing is far worse than the physical.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, wiping away a tear.
He shakes his head moving his eyes to Ocean. “Not now.”
I nod. “Do you want me to call your parents?”
“I’ll call them tomorrow when I get home.”
“Do you want me to see if Heather next door can take Ocean for the night so I can stay with you?”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Just go.”
A few more tears spill, and I wipe them away and sniffle. He’s angry and hurt. I can’t blame him or expect him to feel any other way. The rejection I feel from him is painful as well, but I deserve it and then some.
I squeeze his hand. “Okay, I’ll be back in the morning to get you.”
He nods once.
“Tell Dane goodnight, sweetie. He has to stay here tonight just like when you stayed at the hospital. But he’ll be home tomorrow.”
He cracks open his eyes for her. “Night, doll.”
I lean her down and she gives him a kiss. “Night.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
July 7th, 2013
Dane didn’t want me to call his parents last night, but I did anyway. It’s the mother part of me. I can’t imagine ever not worrying about Ocean or wanting to know if something happened to her, whether she’s two or thirty-two. They left early this morning to get here in time to be with Ocean while I pick up Dane from the hospital.
“Are you sure you don’t want us to go get him?” his mother, Shirley, asks.
“No, since he didn’t want me calling you, I don’t think you showing up at the hospital to pick him up is such a good idea. I can tell him in the car on the way home.” I grab my purse and open the door. “I’ll be back soon, hopefully.”