by Jewel E. Ann
“Okay, dear. Drive safe.”
“I will.”
I get to the hospital and Dane is awake and watching TV.
“Good morning.”
He looks at me. The corners of his mouth try to curl into a smile, but I can tell it’s a struggle.
“Brought you some clothes.” I hold up a bag.
“Thanks.”
He doesn’t want my help getting dressed, but it doesn’t take long for him to realize he needs it. After he’s discharged, I pull my Jeep up as he waits at the entrance in a wheelchair with the nurse. His left arm and leg are out of commission so he has to use one crutch under his right arm. The nurse helps me get him in and we head home.
“Don’t be pissed but—”
“God, Sydney, what now?” he grumbles.
“I called your parents last night. They drove up early this morning. That’s who’s staying with Ocean right now.”
“Great … whatever.” He turns his head and looks out the window.
“I called Kimberly too. She’s cancelled your appointments for the next week.”
He laughs. “For the next week? Look at me, Sydney! It’s going to be a helluva lot longer than a week before I’ll be able to do my job again.”
I fight back the emotions because I deserve his wrath. He went from finding out I cheated on him to getting hit by a car, and now he can’t do his job. To top it off, he’s going to be stuck at home with me, relying on me, needing me when I’m sure he’d like nothing more than to tell me to take a hike.
The words I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, will you ever forgive me, are dying to escape, but I know how generic and pathetic they’ll sound. Lautner tried to apologize to me and it pissed me off more that he was trying to say them than had he not said them at all.
Dane’s dad, Phil, helps me get him inside. Shirley over mothers him, propping pillows behind his back and under his leg, fixing him food, lining up the TV remotes near him. Ocean crawls up next to him and he wraps his good arm around her. He thinks of her as a daughter and I know she loves him too. As time ticks on, I continue to feel worse about … everything.
After lunch, I take Ocean upstairs for a nap. As soon as she’s asleep, I go to my room—Dane’s room—and call Avery.
“Hey, Sam.”
“Hey, you busy?”
“Nope, I don’t have anymore clients until tonight. What’s up with you and Dane. Did you guys get your signals mixed this past weekend? He left a message on my phone and said you weren’t answering yours. I called him back and told him I was in Vegas. He apologized and said it was just a miscommunication.”
“I took Ocean to see Lautner.”
“This past weekend?”
“Yes.”
“That was nice of you. Dane didn’t go?”
“No, he couldn’t, but he thought I was visiting you so …”
“Oh, shit! Sorry, Sam. I didn’t mean to out you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know. Things are such a mess right now.” I sigh.
“What happened?”
“The short version is I went to L.A. so Ocean and Lautner could spend time together and so we could talk about some sort of visitation or custody arrangements. Emma was in Hawaii with her mom and we ended up staying at his place but I didn’t tell Dane.”
“Well he can’t be too upset, it’s not like you … Jesus, Sam, please tell me you didn’t …”
“Yes, we had sex.”
“Oh my God! What does this mean? Does his fiancée know?”
“No.”
“But Dane does?”
“Yes. He asked me and I couldn’t lie to him.”
“What are you going to do?” Her voice is soft and sympathetic.
“That’s just it. The story gets better. After I admitted to him what had happened, he took off on his bike. A few hours later I got a call from the hospital that he’d been hit by a car.”
“Oh my God! Is he—”
“He’s okay. It could have been so much worse. He has a dislocated shoulder and a fractured tibia. They kept him overnight last night because he had a concussion too.”
“Sam … I don’t know what to say. Do you want me to come up?”
“His parents are here. I don’t know how long they’re going to stay. He can’t work and I don’t know how long it’s going to be before he can. I … I’ve messed up so bad and for what?”
“Love. You messed up for love.”
I shake my head and lean back on my pillow. “It doesn’t matter. Lautner loves Emma. He’s going to marry her. The reality of it makes this past weekend seem so selfish and now seeing what happened to Dane …”
“You and Ocean should come stay with me.”
“I can’t! That’s just it. Dane’s parents aren’t going to stay here forever. They don’t know what’s happened between us. Dane needs my help, as much as I’m sure he doesn’t want it, he needs it. I can’t leave him … I owe him.”
“Have you told Dad?”
“What? No way!” Avery doesn’t know about the personal and very revealing conversation I had with our dad. The last thing I want to do is tell him I’ve turned into my mother … a whore. “And I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything right now either.”
“Hey, your secret’s safe with me. Promise me, though, that you’ll call me if you need anything.”
“I promise. Thanks, Ave.”
“Love you, Sis.”
“Love you too.”
*
I stay upstairs waiting for Ocean to finish her nap. If I go downstairs without Ocean there for a distraction, Shirley and Phil will easily pick up on the tension between me and their son. My phone vibrates, it’s Lautner. I don’t want to answer it, but I can’t avoid him forever.
“Yes,” I answer in a somber voice.
“Hey, you okay?”
Yes, I’m great. Why wouldn’t I be?
“What do you want?”
“We should talk.” His words are slow.
“About?”
“Us.”
A sarcastic laugh escapes me. “Us? Really? What us? The us that you couldn’t wait to forget about while fucking Emma after I left? The us that Dane found out about before I ever got home? Or the us that landed Dane in the hospital after he took off on his bike, hurt and angry? Which us are you referring to?”
“Jeez, Syd, is he okay?”
“Okay? Yeah, he’s definitely okay. He’s out of the hospital but pretty banged up. We’re not sure how long it’s going to be before he can work again. Oh … and let’s not forget. I’m pretty sure he hates me, but he needs my help so we’re stuck with each other until his leg heals and he can physically kick my ass to the curb. So how are the wedding plans going?” There’s a natural progression from anger to sarcasm and sometimes it goes even further to complete insanity … that’s me right now.
“Sydney …”
“Sydney what? Did you call to tell me that you told Emma? Did she leave you?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“That’s what I thought. So I’m sure the dress fitting is still on. No problem, whatever. You know where we’ll be.”
I press End and toss my phone on the bed.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
July 12th, 2013
Dane’s parents decide to stay the week. I take his lead on everything. He’s decided to play the happy couple and I go along. The truth needs to come out on his terms when he’s ready. The anger in his eyes has faded a bit, but the pain is still there. Ocean has been a nice buffer, and I’ve found plenty of time to escape since the role of dog-walker has fallen on me. I’m not complaining.
A big part of Shirley and Phil’s decision to stay is the wedding I have scheduled to photograph this afternoon. Lautner and Emma should be picking up Ocean any minute, but Dane still needs help. I keep a close eye on the drive. The last thing we need is Lautner coming to the door. A face-to-face encounter might be the final straw for Dane.
His black 4Runner appears in the driveway. I pick up Ocean and head outside.
“Hi, Ocean. I missed you.” He takes her from me and gives her a gentle hug and kiss on the cheek.
The passenger’s seat is empty.
“Where’s Emma?” I ask as he fastens in Ocean.
“Uh … she wasn’t quite ready so I decided to come get Ocean then stop back by and pick her up.” He closes the door.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I smirk. “You’re afraid I’m going to tell her, aren’t you?”
He shrugs. “Nope. If you want her to know, then tell her.” He holds up his phone. “Do you want me to dial her up?”
Ugh! What’s his angle here? Why would he say that?
“It’s not my place to tell her. You should tell her.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Do you want me to tell her?”
Fucking mind games!
“I said you should tell her.”
“I asked if you want me to tell her.”
I turn and walk off. “Tell her, don’t tell her. It’s none of my business.”
*
There’s nothing quite like photographing a wedding to take my mind off my own wedding that will not be taking place or Lautner’s wedding that will. By the end of the reception, I’ve filled all my memory sticks so there has to be some great pictures, but today I didn’t feel inspired; my artistic side was not feeling it.
As I leave the reception, my phone vibrates. It’s a text from Lautner with an address and message saying Ocean is still with them and I can pick her up at his dad’s when I’m finished. I’m exhausted by the time I reach his dad’s house. It’s been a long day.
“Hey.” Lautner smiles, opening the door. “Come in.”
I’m not in the mood to visit, but since he has my daughter held hostage I don’t have a choice.
“You remember my dad, James?” he says as we enter the great room.
James is in a recliner and Ocean is sleeping on his chest. He smiles. “Nice to see you again.” He kisses Ocean’s head. “Thank you for giving me such a beautiful granddaughter. She has Rebecca’s eyes.”
I nod with a small smile, tired but not completely unaffected by his words.
“Hey, Sydney.” Emma walks into the room. “Here.” She hands me a bag. “We went shopping after the fitting. Just some girly clothes I couldn’t refuse and a new baby doll.”
I take the bag feeling Lautner’s eyes on me, but I don’t look at him. “Thank you. Well, it’s late and I’m tired so …”
“You get her stuff, I’ll carry her out,” Lautner says, taking Ocean from James.
I wave at James and Emma while holding the front door open for Lautner. “Goodnight.”
He fastens her in without waking her up and shuts the door. I open up the back and put her bags in, jumping at the feel of his hands snaking around my waist. I look around worried that someone is watching, but I’m parked in the driveway on the side of the house away from all windows and tall shrubs line the other side of the drive.
Turning in his arms, I place my hands flat on his chest and sigh. “Why are you doing this?”
He bends down and kisses my neck. “Say it,” he whispers.
I close my eyes, curling my fingers into his shirt. “Say what?” My voice is weak.
His lips work their way up to mine. His tongue thrusts into my mouth. I moan. Where the hell is my self respect? I am such a junkie; I keep coming back for more thinking eventually I won’t want it … I won’t need it. What if Emma or his dad come out? Doesn’t he care?
I cling to him, wanting him to be mine so bad. “I want you.” I breathe against his lips.
“I want you too,” he whispers back, tangling his hands in my hair. He kisses me again.
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back with everything I have. Can’t he feel this?
Tugging on my hair, he pulls our mouths apart and rests his forehead on mine. “I love you,” he whispers.
Tears sting my eyes. This is torture. “Then don’t marry her,” I plead.
There. Is that what he wanted me to say? Fine, I said it. My voice is desperate, what more can I do?
He grabs my hands, removing them from his neck. Squeezing them tight he bends down to my eye level. “Why?”
“Why shouldn’t you marry her?” My face is contorted in confusion.
He nods.
“Because you love me! That’s why!” I yell, louder than I should.
Standing straight, he drops my hands and walks away. There’s nothing more I can do or say. I asked him not to marry her. I asked him to choose me. There’s nothing left.
Dane is asleep on the sofa. He hasn’t slept upstairs since his accident. His parents think it’s because of how long it takes him to get up the stairs. I know he’s not wanting to share a bed with me.
After getting my half-sleeping baby into bed, I grab a snack from the kitchen. I haven’t eaten since noon.
“How was the wedding?” Dane’s groggy voice mumbles.
I take my plate and sit on the edge of the coffee table next to the end of the couch where his head is at. “Long.” I crunch on a chip. “How are you feeling?”
“Restless.”
I give him a sad smile. “Are your parents still planning on leaving tomorrow?”
“Just my dad.” He tries to readjust himself so he’s sitting up a little more. The grimace shows the pain that’s still there every time he moves.
“Why just your dad?” I take a bite of my sandwich.
His eyes fail to meet mine. “She knows you’re moving out.”
I stop mid-chew. His gaze meets mine. With a slow nod, I continue chewing.
“He’s still marrying Emma.”
Dane shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter.”
“I care about you.” I rest my hand on his.
“Do you love me?”
My head jerks back. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because you’ve never said it.”
“What do you mean? Of course I’ve said it.”
“No, I’ve said it and you’ve said ‘you too.’”
“Same thing.”
“Is it?” He raises a brow.
I look away. “Does it matter?”
“It does to me. If you can look me in the eye and tell me you love me, not like a friend or a brother, but as a husband … as your lover, then maybe we stand a chance.”
I look him in the eye, but not to say those words. “Why did you lie to me?”
He looks away.
“You didn’t see Lautner before Ocean was born. You saw him after. He told you his mom died. He told you he wasn’t with anyone because he still loved me. Lautner was broken and you could have said something … if not to him, then to me. Why, Dane?”
His jaw muscles twitch as he continues to look away.
“I wanted you, then I saw Ocean and this protective side of me took over. But I did it because I loved you.” His eyes meet mine. “I may have lied to you, but I didn’t screw anyone.”
“You screwed me!” My voice elevates and I pause a moment to make sure I’m not waking anyone. “You screwed me, Dane. You stole Ocean’s chance at having a real family, not some split situation where she’s being shuffled between two homes, but a real family with her mother and father together. The life you got to have. You took that away from her and now it’s too late. So, you can be pissed at me because I made a last ditch effort to get that back for her and myself, but we wouldn’t be having this conversation if you would have told me the truth.”
He’s hurt. My words were meant to hurt him. I’m willing to take responsibly for my actions, but I won’t let him put it all on me. Dane has given me so much, but he’s also taken so much away.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
July 27th, 2013
Two weeks ago I packed up my belongings, my daughter, and my dog and said an emotional goodbye to Dane. We shared some tears and by the time I pulled out of the driveway, things
felt better between us. The fact that Dane was willing to even consider taking me back was a real testament to his love for me. A love I never was able to return. My feelings for him may not have been as strong, but I care for him too much to take away his chance at happiness. He deserves a love like the one I had with Lautner. I know saying goodbye to Ocean was just as hard. She has asked about him more than once, and I know over time the memory of him will fade from her mind, but she will forever be in his heart.
As for my sister … she has taken us in temporarily. Her roommate agreed to stay with her boyfriend until we found our own place. In return, I have taken over paying for her part of the rent. Swarley has been the challenge. Avery’s not allowed to have pets so we’ve been sneaking him in and out of the building.
Lautner and Emma’s wedding is next weekend. I’ve only communicated with him through texts and those have been about Ocean. He hasn’t seen her either in two weeks and I know it’s killing him, especially since he won’t get to see her while he’s in Bali doing stuff with Emma.
Somehow I failed him. I saw it in his eyes that night at his dad’s. I’m not sure if he was looking for an apology, a promise to never lie to him again, or what, but my words weren’t good enough. I’ve come to the conclusion that since he’s going through with the wedding, then he’s meant to be with her. I won’t show up and barge through the doors in Hollywood fashion drama and beg him to not marry her just before the minister makes everyone hold their peace forever.
“So since Dane’s out, who are you taking to the wedding?” Avery asks as we eat our breakfast.
“Actually, I’m not going.”
“What do you mean you’re not going?” She gives me a disapproving glance over her coffee mug.
I shrug and hand Ocean part of my toast. “I wasn’t invited.”
“What? Of course you’re invited. Ocean is the flower girl.”
“Which means Ocean is invited. Lautner texted me and I’m supposed to drop her off at his dad’s house late Friday afternoon. She’s going to the rehearsal, then rehearsal dinner, and then she’s staying overnight with them at his dad’s so she can go with the girls to the salon in the morning.”