The Unfortunate Miss Fortunes

by Jennifer Crusie Eileen Dreyer Anne Stuart

  ‘How?’ Dee said. ‘She’s gold.’

  Elric shook his head. ‘You can only turn like to like. The human body is about eighteen percent carbon, so that’s what Lizzie transformed. Xan’s just a very unstable shell right now. She’s going to change back, and when she does—’

  ‘Oh, hell,’ Crash said to Mare. ‘I knew the holidays with your family were going to be a bitch. Well, you’ll just have to keep changing her into something else. A piano or something.’

  ‘The piano from hell,’ Mare said, leaning into him again. All it plays is Tree Bird.’

  ‘Dee and Lizzie can’t do transformation magic again this soon,’ Elric said. And since my powers seem to be on the fritz from the damn containment spell, and Mare thinks she isn’t good at anything—’

  ‘Hey!’ Crash said.

  ‘— I suggest we leave. Xantippe is not going to be up for an intercontinental chase for a while. We should have time for three honeymoons before . . .’ He looked at Mare with distaste. ‘Tree Bird.’

  Mare looked up at Crash. ‘You got any ideas?’

  ‘No, but you can stop that I’m-not-good-at-anything moan. You’re Queen of the Universe. If you can’t move big things, move something else, but settle that bitch’s hash. She tried to send me back to Italy without you. Fix her good.’

  Mare thought, Yeah, she tried to ruin my life and my sisters’ lives, it’s time we did settle her hash. She stared at Xan, trying to see what Elric the master sorcerer saw, trying to believe what Crash the master mechanic believed, and began to imagine what it was like inside Xan right now, what it had been like when Xan had transformed herself from Xan to dragon. If Xan had done it, she could do it. Xan must have just seen her human molecules and maybe rearranged the atoms so they were dragon molecules, and then something had gone wrong and the dragon molecules had become snake molecules. And then Lizzie, Lizzie must have gone in and made snake molecules into gold molecules. And if that was what they’d done, Mare wouldn’t even have to change anything, all she’d have to do would be to wrap her mind around Xan’s molecules the way she’d wrapped her mind around the bed and the sugar grains and the muffins, and then just bang them together and start a chain reaction . . .

  She closed her eyes and concentrated hard. She was Queen of the Universe, and she could see the molecules in her mind - there they were, gold snake molecules with Xan-red centers, right there in front of her - and if she could see them they must be real and if they were real. . .

  She reached out with her mind, blue sparks flying, and surrounded the gold dots. They were feisty little devils, those Xan molecules, but as she started to make her move, she saw purple smoke and green fog in there, too, in her mind, backing up the blue sparks, and then she laughed out loud.

  ‘Mare?’ Dee said, and, Lizzie turned to look. ‘You know my abandonment issues?’ Mare said. ‘I’m over them.’

  ‘We’re happy for you’ Elric said, taking Lizzie’s arm. And now we’re leaving.’

  High above them, the golden eyes turned red, flickering. ‘Go,’ Mare said. ‘I’m on it.’

  ‘No,’ Dee said, and Lizzie stepped closer, and said,

  ‘We’re here,’ and Mare reached out for them, and then she reached out with her mind again and went inside Xan and found the gold molecules there, her blue sparks zeroing in on the weakest part That’s it, she thought, and aimed for two molecules that looked crucial. She tried to pull them apart and they stuck together, so she yanked hard, and then there was cool green fog and warm violet smoke and big-ass blue sparks blowing holes through everything, and Mare used it all and broke through to set free two big fat gold molecules. One more, she thought, and kicked out a third and set them rotating, spuming faster and faster, as green and violet and blue, fog and smoke and sparkly mist, began to fill the space between the molecules and the space between her fingertips and the space between the sisters, and the whole top of the mountain began to hum.

  High above her, the eyes of the golden snake flickered madly red, and Mare felt her eyes flicker madly back. I know what you wanted, Xan, she thought, and so do Lizzie and Dee, it was this, and we’ve got it now, and then she clamped down on the thought, no gloating, time to concentrate on the molecules, keep those suckers spinning, and as she did, the blue and green and violet became stronger, brighter, driving back the rain and the clouds, until somebody said, ‘Oh, shit,’ and then Mare gave the molecules a flick with her frontal lobe and they smacked into each other and then smacked into other molecules that smacked into other molecules that smacked into other molecules . . .

  Crash yanked her to the ground and a second later Xan exploded into chunks of gold that exploded into smaller pieces that exploded into little pieces that exploded into golden dust, and Mare laughed into the mud of the mountain and hugged Crash to her, so grateful she had him, and her sisters, and him, and her power, and him, especially him, as the gold went everywhere, and when it was all over, she sat up and saw the gold dust coating everything. Xan was bronzing powder.

  ‘God, she’s gaudy,’ Dee said, trying to brush off her borrowed sleeve. ‘I hope she washes off’

  ‘Well, that’s Xan for you,’ Elric said. ‘She always liked things shiny.’ He flicked at his sleeve and the gold dust fell away, leaving him immaculate.

  ‘You’re going to be annoying me for the rest of my life, aren’t you?’ Dee said.

  ‘Lizzie?’ a very small voice said from the underbrush, and when they turned around, Maxine crawled out, covered in mud and gold, still holding Jude.

  ‘Oh, Maxine,’ Lizzie said. ‘We forgot about you. Elric, give her your coat.’

  Elric looked at Lizzie as if she’d asked him to bathe Maxine by hand.

  ‘I don’t want his coat,’ Maxine said. She held out Jude. ‘I want him. Turn him back, please.’

  Lizzie swallowed. ‘I can’t, Maxine. He is what he is. I’m sure he’s a lovely frog, but even if I made him a human again, he’d turn back into a frog again in a couple of days. He’s supposed to be a frog, honey.’

  Maxine looked at her, tears in her eyes. ‘Okay, make me a frog’

  ‘It won’t last,’ Lizzie said. ‘You’ll turn back.’

  ‘Maybe,’ Maxine said. ‘But maybe I won’t.’ Mare looked at Lizzie. ‘Do it.’

  Lizzie hesitated, then circled her arms. There was a swirl of purple smoke, and two frogs sat on the ground staring happily into each other’s eyes.

  ‘That’s not the weirdest thing I’ve seen today,’ Crash said.

  Danny looked around the mountaintop. ‘I still can’t believe Xan’s gone. Shouldn’t we be playing taps or some­thing? I mean, she died.’ And they stood there in silence, trying to summon up some regret.

  Finally, Lizzie said, ‘I can restore her, you know’

  Mare put up her hand. ‘I vote no.’

  Dee put up her hand. ‘I vote hell no.’

  Lizzie put up her hand. ‘Oh, I vote no.’

  Elric looked at Danny. ‘That was a very humane impulse you just had. Next time, save it for humans.’

  Danny put up both hands. ‘Sorry. My bad.’

  Mare looked at Dee and Lizzie. ‘So. That thing that, just happened. You were there, too, right? That was all three of us together? Inside Xan. Inside me?’

  ‘Yes,’ Lizzie said. ‘And we probably shouldn’t do it again until the apocalypse.’

  ‘And talk about it first,’ Dee said. ‘And then vote on it.’

  ‘But it was good,’ Mare said. ‘Very good,’ Lizzie said. Dee smiled. ‘The best.’

  And they turned and went down the mountain as the gold dust settled like a fine sparkly mist.

  Dee didn’t think her heart would ease for a week. She couldn’t believe it: Xan, the snake, was nothing but cosmic dust. She looked back, just to make sure, and smiled. She loved it when a plan came together.

  ‘You’re gonna trip over something if you don’t turn around and look where you’re going,’ Danny offered, holding tightly to her hand.


  She laughed. ‘You’re right.’ Then she laughed again, swinging hands as if she were strolling down the street instead of off a mountain where cataclysms had happened. ‘So what do you think? Will the no-eyebrow look be in this year?’

  Danny smiled down at her, his eyes unspeakably proud. ‘I have a girlfriend who can turn into a dragon,’ he boasted. All my writer friends will be jealous. Especially the fantasy writers.’

  Dee looked closely at him. ‘It doesn’t bother you?’ He shrugged, and picked off a few toasted curls. ‘I told you. It doesn’t matter. It’s just one more color in your array.’

  How did he always know the perfect thing to say to her? ‘What a painterly way to put that.’

  ‘I figure I’d better do some research on the subject. Seems I’m not going to be the star in the family anymore. If either of us ever get to the point where we attend celebrity cocktail parties, I want to sound knowledgeable when I boast about your talent. You are going to marry me, Dee.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said through a tear-constricted throat. ‘I am.’

  ‘And you’ll go to Ireland with me? And Greece?’

  ‘And Montmartre?’

  His grin was devilish. ‘Didn’t I tell you? I have an apartment on the Left Bank.’

  Dee pulled him to a dead stop halfway down the hill. ‘You’re lying to me.’

  He brushed away a few more ashes and plucked at her singed hair. ‘I also have a horse farm in Ireland and a little getaway in Nevis where I escape to write. Oh, and a brownstone in Greenwich Village for business trips. Do you like New York?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She couldn’t take it all in. ‘I’d like to find out, though. What about Italy and Spain? I think that’s where Lizzie and Mare will be.’ Suddenly she grinned, exhilarated. ‘Pretty rarefied atmosphere for girls who spent the last twelve years hiding in small towns.’

  ‘You pick the city.’ He kissed her, a long sweet kiss of reunion. ‘I’m sorry, Dee. I should have listened to you. I brought that old snake right to your door.’

  ‘No you didn’t. She brought you. And it was the only good thing she ever did in her life.’

  Rain dripped down from the trees, but Dee didn’t notice. She had eyes only for Danny, who took a moment to look at their joined hands.

  ‘I can’t tell you how sorry I am I lied to you. I never meant to hurt you or make you think I don’t love you enough to let you in every corner of my life.’

  Dee thumbed a tear away from his cheek. ‘Okay’ He stared at her. ‘That’s it? “Okay”?’ She beamed. ‘Sure. Authors make me hot.’ Hand in hand, they turned for home.

  Elric was walking beside Lizzie, uncharacteristically silent. He had his arm around her waist, a good thing, since she was feeling a bit wobbly, but he still hadn’t said anything, and Lizzie was starting to worry.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ she asked.

  ‘Remind me never to get you too pissed off at me,’ he said finally.

  ‘I’m not sure you’ll be able to help it. You can be awfully annoying.’

  He smiled, and even in the night air the colors swirled, dancing in the dark. ‘You’re even better than I thought,’ he said, not sounding thrilled about it.

  ‘Is that a problem?’

  ‘I’ll get used to it. I’m usually the one in control.’ He glanced down at her. ‘This is good for me. Maybe we’ll use those silk ties on me next time around. We’ll have years to work it out.’ The promise in his voice made her pulse race, her tattoo throb, and her entire body tighten in anticipation.

  ‘Er . . . how long am I going to live? Just curious, mind you.’

  He leaned down and brushed his mouth against hers. ‘Two hundred, maybe two hundred and fifty. Give or take a decade or two. Time enough for me to figure out how to keep you on your toes.’

  ‘You can try,’ she said, suddenly feeling very sure of herself. ‘You know, I’m tired. Do we really have to walk down this mountain? I think I need to go to bed.’

  ‘I think you do, too,’ he said, his voice low and sexy. ‘Close your eyes and think of England.’

  And a moment later, they were gone.

  As Lizzie and Elric disappeared, Mare and Crash stopped at his bike, Pywackt regal beside them. Crash picked up his helmet and handed it to Mare and then climbed on the bike, and Pywackt sat and stared at him. ‘Want a ride, Py?’ Mare said.

  ‘Py’s kind of large,’ Crash said, but Mare put her hand on Py’s head and he became a house cat again. ‘Okay. How’d you do that?’

  ‘Remember I told you I felt weird?’ Mare put her helmet on. ‘When Xan reached inside us to take our powers, she scrambled ours a little. I can’t turn straw into gold, and I’m betting I can’t become a hawk, but I can turn Py back and I might try turning into a redhead for you some night.’

  ‘Okay.’ Crash shook his head. ‘Or not.’

  ‘Or a blonde,’ Mare said as Py jumped in front of Crash on the bike. ‘You might like a blonde. As long as she was me.’

  Then Py looked up the mountain and growled.

  ‘Py?’ Mare said.

  ‘About the remains of the day,’ Crash said, looking up the mountain. ‘That dust is still moving.’ Mare looked back.

  The gold dust was swirling. It might have been just a small funnel cloud, just a trick of the light. Then again, it might not be.

  Mare walked a little way back up the path to see better. The dust seemed pretty well organized for a cloud. Crash called up, ‘Mare?’ and she closed her eyes and thought about the Great Big Rock up there. All those molecules, sitting up there for centuries. Heavy little suckers, too. Once she had them firmly in mind, she opened her eyes and watched blue sparkly mist swirl around the rock, little bits of green and violet in the mix. Pretty, she thought, and picked up the rock and held it over the gold dust. The Great Big Rock didn’t feel heavy at all, but when she dropped it on the dust, it made one hell of a thump and the gold poofed out around the rock and then fell down silent into the dirt.

  ‘Better,’ Mare said, and went back down to Crash and Py.

  Crash nodded at her as she climbed on the back of the bike. ‘How long do you think that’s going to hold her?’

  Mare wrapped her arms around him and put her cheek on his back. ‘Long enough for us to get to Italy.’

  ‘Works for me,’ Crash said, and carried them down the mountain.