Where'd You Go, Bernadette

by Maria Semple

  I ran straight to the equipment room, where Mr. Kangana and the first graders were doing a final rehearsal. “I’m here,” I said, waving my shakuhachi. “Sorry.” The little kids looked so sweet in their Japanese kimonos. They started climbing on me like monkeys.

  Through the wall, Ms. Goodyear announced us, and we entered the gym, which was packed with parents aiming video cameras. “And now,” she said, “we’ll have a performance by the first graders. Playing along is eighth grader Bee Branch.”

  The first graders lined up. Mr. Kangana gave me the signal and I played the first few notes. The kids started singing.

  Zousan, zousan

  O-ha-na ga na-ga-I no ne

  So-yo ka-a-san mo

  Na-ga-I no yo

  They did a great job, singing in unison. Except for Chloe, who had lost her first tooth that morning and stood there frozen, sticking her tongue into the slot where her tooth had been. We took a pause, and then it was time to sing the song in English, with my choreography. The first graders began singing and moving like elephants, their hands clasped and arms hanging down like swaying trunks.

  Little elephant, little elephant

  You have a very long nose.

  Yes, sir, my mama has a long nose, too.

  Just then I had a feeling. There she was, Mom, standing in the doorway, wearing her huge dark glasses.

  Little elephant, little elephant

  Tell me who do you love.

  Oh, you know it’s my mama that I love.

  I laughed because I knew Mom would think it was funny that now I was the one crying. I looked up. But she was gone. It was the last time I saw her.

  FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24

  From Dr. Janelle Kurtz

  To the Board of Directors,

  I would like to inform you that I hereby resign from my position as director of psychiatry at Madrona Hill. I love my job. My colleagues are like family. However, as Bernadette Fox’s admitting psychiatrist, and in light of the tragic and mysterious events surrounding her intervention, it is a decision I must make. Thank you for the many wonderful years and for the opportunity to serve.

  Sincerely,

  Dr. Janelle Kurtz

  *

  Dr. Kurtz’s report on Mom’s intervention

  PATIENT: Bernadette Fox

  We were planning to confront Ms. Fox at her dentist’s office, where she had a 10 AM appointment. Dr. Neergaard was informed of our plan and had set aside an empty office for our use. Elgin Branch’s brother, Van, was to pick up the daughter, Bee, at school and go to the zoo until further notification.

  We did not want Ms. Fox to see her husband’s car at the dentist’s office when she arrived. Therefore, it was decided that Mr. Branch and I would meet at his home and take my car to Dr. Neergaard’s office.

  THE FOX/BRANCH RESIDENCE: It is the former home of the Straight Gate School for Girls, a grand but decrepit brick building sitting on an immense sloping lawn overlooking Elliott Bay. The inside is in shocking disrepair. Rooms are boarded up. It is dark and damp, with a musty smell so overpowering I could taste it. That a family with significant income would live in such deteriorating conditions suggests a lack of self-respect, ambivalence about their financial/social superiority, and poor reality testing.

  I arrived at the Branch residence at 9 AM and found several cars, including a police car, parked haphazardly in the driveway. I rang the doorbell. Ms. Lee-Segal, Mr. Branch’s administrator, opened the door. She explained that she and Mr. Branch had just arrived. FBI Agent Marcus Strang was in the middle of informing them that “Manjula,” the Internet assistant, had stolen all his miles on American Airlines last week.

  Mr. Branch was shocked that Agent Strang was only telling him this now. Agent Strang explained that they did not take the threat seriously, as Internet thieves usually don’t leave their basement, let alone hop on planes. But last night the miles had been used to purchase a one-way ticket from Moscow to Seattle, with the plane arriving tomorrow. Further, “Manjula” had been sending emails to Ms. Fox, asking her to confirm that she’d be alone in the house while Mr. Branch and his daughter were in Antarctica.

  Mr. Branch practically buckled in shock and had to find a wall for support. Ms. Lee-Segal rubbed his back and assured him his wife would be safe at Madrona Hill on Orcas Island. I reiterated that there was no such guarantee, that I would have to evaluate Ms. Fox before I could place her on an involuntary hold.

  Mr. Branch began to misdirect his rage and powerlessness onto me, accusing me of bureaucratese and stonewalling. Ms. Lee-Segal interrupted, pointing out we were late for Dr. Neergaard’s. I asked Agent Strang if the intervention would place us in any physical danger, considering “Manjula” was on the loose. He assured us we were safe and that ample police protection was in place. Quite shaken, we all headed out the front door when, suddenly, from behind, we heard a woman’s voice.

  “Elgie, who are all these people?”

  It was Bernadette Fox. She had just entered through the kitchen.

  A quick visual assessment indicated an attractive woman in her early fifties, of medium height and medium build, with no makeup and a pale but healthy complexion. She wore a blue raincoat and, underneath it, jeans, a white nubby cashmere sweater, and loafers with no socks. Her long hair appeared brushed and tied back with a scarf. There was nothing about her appearance that indicated she did not care for herself. Indeed, she came off as well groomed and chic.

  I turned on my tape recorder. What follows is a transcript:

  FOX: Is it Bee? Nothing happened to Bee. I just saw her at school—

  BRANCH: No, Bee is fine.

  FOX: Then who are these people?

  DR. KURTZ: My name is Dr. Janelle Kurtz.

  BRANCH: You’re supposed to be at the dentist, Bernadette.

  FOX: How did you know that?

  DR. KURTZ: Let’s have a seat.

  FOX: Why? Who are you? Elgie—

  BRANCH: Shall we do it here, doctor?

  DR. KURTZ: I suppose—

  FOX: Do what here? I don’t like this. I’m leaving.

  DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, we’re here because we care about you and we want you to get the help you need.

  FOX: Exactly what kind of help? Why are the police outside? And why the gnat?

  DR. KURTZ: We’d like you to sit down so we can present you with the reality of your situation.

  FOX: Elgie, please ask them to leave. Whatever this is, let’s talk about it privately. I mean it. These people don’t belong here.

  BRANCH: I know everything, Bernadette. So do they.

  FOX: If this is about Dr. Neergaard… if he told you… if somehow you found out… I canceled the appointment ten minutes ago. I’m going on the trip. I’m going to Antarctica.

  BRANCH: Bernadette, please. Stop lying.

  FOX: Check my phone. See? Outgoing calls. Dr. Neergaard. Dial him yourself. Here—

  BRANCH: Dr. Kurtz, should we—

  DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, we are concerned for your ability to care for yourself.

  FOX: Is this a joke? I really don’t understand. Is this about Manjula?

  BRANCH: There is no Manjula.

  FOX: What?

  BRANCH: Agent Strang, could you—

  FOX: Agent Strang?

  AGENT STRANG: Hi. From the FBI.

  BRANCH: Agent Strang, since you’re here, could you perhaps explain to my wife the havoc her actions have wreaked?

  AGENT STRANG: If this has all of a sudden turned into an intervention, that’s not really my thing.

  BRANCH: I just want—

  AGENT STRANG: Outside the pay grade.

  BRANCH: Manjula is an alias for an identity-theft ring operating out of Russia. They have been posing as Manjula as a way to capture all of our personal banking information. Not only that, they’re coming to Seattle to make their move while Bee and I are in Antarctica. Is that right, Agent Strang?

  AGENT STRANG: Pretty much.

  FOX: I don’t believe it. I mean,
I do believe it. What kind of move?

  BRANCH: Oh, I don’t know! Cleaning out our bank accounts, brokerage accounts, property title, which shouldn’t be that hard because you’ve handed them all our personal information and passwords! Manjula even requested power of attorney.

  FOX: That’s not true. I haven’t heard back from her for days. I was getting ready to fire her.

  BRANCH: That’s because the FBI has been intercepting the emails and responding as you. Don’t you get it?

  DR. KURTZ: Yes, that’s a good idea, Bernadette, for you to sit down. Let’s all sit down.

  FOX: Not there—

  DR. KURTZ: Oh!

  FOX: It’s wet. Sorry, there’s a leak. God, Elgie, I completely fucked up. Did she take everything?

  BRANCH: Thank God, nothing yet.

  LEE-SEGAL: (WHISPERS: NOT AUDIBLE)

  BRANCH: Thank you. I forgot! She cashed in our miles!

  FOX: Our miles? I’m sick about this. I’m sorry, I’m just in shock.

  DR. KURTZ: Now that we’re comfortable… ish. Oh! My skirt.

  FOX: Is the couch wet? Sorry. It’s that orange color because the flashing on the roof is rusted and the water drips through. It usually washes out with lemon juice and salt. Who are you?

  DR. KURTZ: Dr. Janelle Kurtz. It’s quite all right. Bernadette, I’d like to keep presenting reality. Because the FBI gained access to your email account, we were able to see that you pondered suicide in the past. You stashed pills for future suicide attempts. You tried to run over a mother at school.

  FOX: Don’t be ludicrous.

  LEE-SEGAL: (SIGHS HEAVILY)

  FOX: Oh, shut up. What the hell are you doing here anyway? Will someone open a window and let the gnat out?

  BRANCH: Stop calling her that, Bernadette!

  FOX: Forgive me. Could someone get the admin out of my living room?

  DR. KURTZ: Ms. Lee-Segal, it would be a good idea for you to leave.

  BRANCH: She can stay.

  FOX: Really? She can stay? How’s that?

  BRANCH: She’s a friend—

  FOX: What kind of friend? She is not a friend of this marriage, I’ll guarantee you that.

  BRANCH: You’re not in charge now, Bernadette.

  FOX: Wait a second, what is that?

  LEE-SEGAL: What?

  FOX: Sticking out of the bottom of your pants.

  LEE-SEGAL: Me? Where?

  FOX: It’s a pair of underwear. You’ve got panties sticking out of your jeans!

  LEE-SEGAL: Oh—I have no idea how they got there—

  FOX: You’re a Seattle-born secretary and you have no place in this house!

  DR. KURTZ: Bernadette is right. This is for family only.

  LEE-SEGAL: I’m happy to go.

  AGENT STRANG: How about I go, too? I’ll be right outside.

  (GOOD-BYES AND THE FRONT DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

  FOX: Please proceed, Captain Kurtz—sorry, Dr. Kurtz.

  DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, your aggression toward your neighbor led to the destruction of her home and possible PTSD of thirty children. You have no intention of going to Antarctica. You planned on getting four wisdom teeth removed to prevent it. You willingly turned over personal information to a criminal, which could have led to financial ruin. You are incapable of even the most basic human interaction, relying on an Internet assistant to buy groceries, schedule appointments, and conduct all basic household duties. Your home is worthy of condemnation by the building department, which indicates to me serious depression.

  FOX: Are you still “presenting reality” to me? Or can I say something?

  MALE VOICE: Get ’im!

  KURTZ/BRANCH: (PANICKED NOISES)

  (WE TURNED TO SEE A MAN IN A LONG COAT STARING AT HIS PHONE)

  BRANCH: Who are you?!

  DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Detective Driscoll. Seattle P.D.

  FOX: He’s been there the whole time. I passed him on my way in.

  DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Sorry. I got a little excited. Clemson picked off a pass and ran it in. Pretend I’m not here.

  DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, Elgin would like to begin by expressing his love for you. Elgin…

  BRANCH: What the hell is wrong with you, Bernadette? I thought you were even more upset than I was about those miscarriages. But, really, the whole time all you cared about was some stupid house? What you went through with the Twenty Mile House—I go through shit like that ten times a day at Microsoft. People get over things. It’s called bouncing back. You won a MacArthur grant. Twenty years later you’re still nursing the injustice of a fight you had with some English asshole, a fight you brought upon yourself? Do you realize how selfish and self-pitying that is? Do you?

  DR. KURTZ: OK. So. It’s important to acknowledge there’s a lot of hurt. But let’s stay in the here and now. Elgin, why don’t you try expressing your love for Bernadette. You had mentioned what a wonderful mother—

  BRANCH: And you’re back there in your Airstream lying to me left and right, outsourcing your life, our lives, to India? Don’t I get a vote in that? You’re afraid of getting seasick when we’re crossing the Drake Passage? There’s a way to deal with it. It’s called a scopolamine patch. You don’t arrange to get four wisdom teeth removed and lie to me and Bee about it. People die getting their wisdom teeth pulled. But you’ll do it just to avoid small talk with strangers? What the hell is Bee going to think when she hears this? And all because you’re a “failure”? How about a wife? How about a mother? What happened to coming to your husband? Why do you have to spill your guts out to some architect you haven’t seen for twenty years? God, you’re sick. You make me sick, and you’re sick.

  DR. KURTZ: Another example of love is a hug.

  BRANCH: You’ve gone insane, Bernadette. It’s like aliens came down and replaced you with a replica, but the replica is a drag-queen demented version of you. I became so convinced of this that one night while you slept I reached across and felt your elbows. Because I thought, No matter how good they made the replica, they wouldn’t have gotten the pointy elbows right. But there they were, your pointy elbows. You woke up when I did that. Do you remember?

  FOX: Yes, I remember.

  BRANCH: When I caught myself, I realized, Oh my God, she’s going to take me with her. Bernadette has gone crazy, but I will not let her pull me down with her. I’m a father. I’m a husband. I’m team leader of over 250 people who rely on me, whose families rely on me. I refuse to plunge off the cliff with you.

  FOX: (SOUND OF CRYING)

  BRANCH: And for this you hate me? You mock me as a simpleton because I love my family? Because I love my job? Because I love books? When did this contempt for me start, Bernadette? Do you have an exact date? Or do you have to check with your Internet assistant who you pay seventy-five cents an hour but is actually the Russian Mafia, who has cashed in all our miles and is heading to Seattle to kill you? Jesus, I have to stop talking!

  DR. KURTZ: How about we put a pin in love, and let’s move on to the damage that Bernadette’s behavior has caused.

  BRANCH: Are you joking? The damage she has caused?

  FOX: I know the damage.

  DR. KURTZ: Great. Next is… I forgot what’s next. We covered reality, love, damage…

  DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Don’t look at me.

  DR. KURTZ: Let me check my notes.

  DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Is this a good time to ask, is this anyone’s coffee? I put mine down somewhere…

  DR. KURTZ: The guarantee of support!

  BRANCH: Of course I’ll support you. You’re my wife. You’re Bee’s mother. We’re all lucky there’s a dime left to our names so I can pay for this support.

  FOX: I’m sorry, Elgie. I don’t know how I can make it up to you. You’re right, I need help. I’ll do anything. Let’s start by spending time in Antarctica, just the three of us, no computers, no work—

  BRANCH: How about you don’t blame this on Microsoft?

  FOX: I’m just saying the three of us, our family, without any dist
ractions.

  BRANCH: I’m not going to Antarctica with you. I’d throw you overboard the first chance I got.

  FOX: Is the trip canceled?

  BRANCH: I’d never do that to Bee. She’s been reading books and doing reports on Antarctica for the last year.

  FOX: I’m confused, then…

  DR. KURTZ: Bernadette, I’d like to suggest that we work together over the next several weeks.

  FOX: You’re going on the trip with us? That’s so exotic.

  DR. KURTZ: No, I’m not. You need to concentrate on getting yourself better, Bernadette.

  FOX: I still don’t quite know how you fit in.

  DR. KURTZ: I’m a psychiatrist at Madrona Hill.

  FOX: Madrona Hill? The loony bin? Jesus Christ! You’re shipping me off to a loony bin? Elgie! You’re not!

  DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: Shit, are you?

  BRANCH: Bernadette, you need help.

  FOX: So you’re going to take Bee to Antarctica and lock me up at Madrona Hill? You can’t do that!

  DR. KURTZ: We’d like you to come voluntarily.

  FOX: Oh Jesus. Is that why Van is here? To keep Bee distracted with snow leopards and carousel rides while you’re locking me up?

  BRANCH: You still have no concept of how ill you are, do you?

  FOX: Elgie, look at me. I’m in the weeds. I can get myself out. We can get out of this together. For us. For Bee. But I won’t work with these invaders. I’m sorry, but I’ve had to pee since I got here. Or do I need doctor’s approval?

  DR. KURTZ: Go right ahead—

  FOX: God, it’s you! It’s him! Elgie!

  BRANCH: What?

  FOX: The guy I said was following me at the restaurant that night? This is him! You’ve been following me, right?

  DETECTIVE DRISCOLL: You weren’t supposed to know. But yes.

  FOX: The point of all this is I’m supposed to be crazy. But I’m just so relieved that he has been following me, because now at least I know I’m not insane.

  (BATHROOM DOOR CLOSING). (LONG SILENCE)

  DR. KURTZ: I did tell you interventions aren’t my forte.

  BRANCH: Bernadette was being followed. What if she did call Dr. Neergaard to cancel? Shouldn’t we at least check?