Foreign Devils

by John Hornor Jacobs

  Tamberlaine raised an eyebrow. ‘Go on, Snuffy. Tell me more about how wonderful the feast is …’

  Father opened his mouth, shut it, and began again. ‘It truly is scrumptious, your majesty. This turbot –’ he said, raising his fork as if to punctuate his words ‘– is absolutely delectable.’

  ‘That, I believe, is tunny, Cornelius,’ Tamberlaine said. ‘However much my asshole enjoys the brisk tonguing you’re metaphorically giving it right now, I do not need or require it, Snuffy. We all know that I plucked you from your governorship from overseas and demanded you here.’ He popped a piece of bread into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. ‘Being Emperor is a curious thing,’ he mused and took a small sip of wine from his glass. ‘It is hard to forget the lessons that Proculus the Fifth and Gallia the First offer me.’

  Father, glad to be relieved of his ‘tonguing’ duties, took a great swallow of wine and said, ‘And what would those be, Father?’

  Tamberlaine said, ‘The power of Emperor is absolute. I could have you all crucified in a moment, should I wish—’ He raised a hand in peace. ‘That being the most obvious aspect of my authority. However, there is a power greater than me in Rume and one I must always be mindful of,’ Tamberlaine said.

  ‘And what would that be, Father?’ Tenebrae asked, as he picked over the oysters from their bed of crushed ice.

  ‘Rumour is Empress in Latinum. Gossip her crown. Great men have been destroyed by wagging tongues.’

  It seemed a very small thing for him to be worried about, in my opinion, yet he went on. ‘All of my vices—’ he said slowly, looking at my Father, ‘and there are many, as you know, must be expressed publicly. So, I invite my friends and associates into my home on Ia Terminalia to see me at feast and later, when the real revels start, witness my vigour so that my predilections be known. Closed doors are the enemy of the Empire and will seed doubt and the beginnings of rebellion in the mind of its subjects. No power on earth will save me if I try to keep my life secret. Proculus was a vain and secretive man and look what happened to him. The Praetorians hurled him from The Spire and then dragged his cooling corpse through the streets. All because he would not admit to a little buggery and this grew in the minds of the populace to become the worst sort of sexual depravity. I would rather they know who and what I like to fuck than give them a closed door with which to speculate.’

  ‘Very wise,’ Father said, nodding his head. He was joined by others making small noises of affirmation.

  Tamberlaine waved their approval away, an irritated look on his face. ‘I cannot afford to allow anyone to speculate on my predilections, so I must allow them to view them, such as they may be. In the end, most ‘perversions’ are hardly that. And my subjects want to know that I am the penetrator, not the one being penetrated.’ He took a sip of his wine and looked about the table. ‘I am the one who fucks,’ he announced in a bland voice.

  And that, I think, is one of the roots of Rume’s deplorable treatment of women, my love. We can be cast aside – as well I know from Metellus’ treatment of me – divorced on a whim, we cannot have any Imperial recognized control of a family. We may own no property until our husbands die (Ia forbid). Homosexuality is of no matter and incest is cause for only the merest comment. But allow someone to put a tiny bit of flesh inside of you, man or woman, and you become despicable: the Ruman distinction between the penetrated and the penetrator is pernicious. No one respects the womb, the net of life. No Ruman respects the basket that holds food. The cradle that nurtures. They respect only the spear, they fawn upon the sword.

  ‘And so,’ Tamberlaine went on, ‘I welcome you to remain after our conversation and enjoy the more fleshy activities we have planned. Nothing outlandish, I daresay. A trio of Hellene virgin boys with the sweetest bottoms you’ve ever seen, and a curious pair brought from Far Tchinee by our esteemed guest, Ambassador Sun Huáng who will join us later, in private, after all of these trinkets and bangles have been cleared away. The people of Kithai do not game like we Rumans game,’ he swept his hand to indicate the feast, the gifts, the sprawl of indolent patricians. ‘His gift, though. The girls are perfectly formed, yet their torsos are shared – heart, lungs, stomach – so that while two separate creatures, their bodies are joined. Quite fascinating, actually, and I imagine they will prove to be entertaining to those with an appetite for the exotic.’

  For a moment, I looked about, searching for Lupina. Then I remembered, Lupina, Rubus, and Fuqua would have returned home, their presence at an imperial religious feast unseemly. Had Tamberlaine ordered it, Lupina could very well have been served up to the revellers later and Father would do nothing to stop him. Could do nothing to stop him. Surely Tenebrae would have told him of the half-dvergar slave. I could only hope that his eye would not fall upon her.

  After the meal had finished, as a family we accompanied Tamberlaine, Tenebrae, to a side ante-chamber where he had two slaves waiting with a simple, small ash crate, clasped with a thick steel lock.

  ‘You, Livia and Secundus,’ the Emperor of Rume said, as soon as the door had closed, ‘are the representatives of Rume. Within this container,’ the Emperor placed his hand lightly on the box, ‘is my gift and message for the Autumn Lords of Kithai. You will bear it to them. The Tchinee are a proud people. You may have to suffer indignities below your honour, and suffer hardships, but I order you to bear this message to the Autumn Lords in Jiang. Tenebrae will accompany you, along with a small force of Praetorians.’

  Tamberlaine clapped his hands, two of his Praetorians trotted over to a door, said a few hushed words, and escorted a man in. He was a small man in strange white garb – a simple tunic and loose white cotton pants – clutching a long thin cane. His hair was nearly as white as Tamberlaine’s himself and his features had a sharper cast to them than most Ruman’s although his bearing was almost regal and he looked about the room with a detachment found only in the very old or the very highest rungs of society. In this man’s case, it was possibly both.

  ‘This is the August One Sun Huáng, our honoured guest here. He will be your guide – and, I daresay, protector – when you are in Kithai.’

  Tenebrae nodded, but Secundus, Father, and I bowed, as those of noble birth know to do when presented with someone of note. Tenebrae hastily corrected himself and bowed as well.

  ‘A pleasure and an honour,’ Father said. ‘I have always wished to see Far Tchinee, I understand it is wondrous to behold.’

  Sun Huáng regarded us calmly. ‘It is my home,’ he said in a thick Tchinee accent. ‘I love it but I may have become … too familiar with its charms. But I think having come here—’

  ‘To Rume?’ Secundus asked.

  ‘Yes, having come here, it will make me see home in new light,’ Huáng said.

  ‘I don’t know if that isn’t the kindest thing you’ve said about my city,’ Tamberlaine laughed. ‘I imagine you’ve thought worse. It’s a great rumpus, Rume is. Dirty and full of pleasure and nastiness and nobility of spirit matched only by its baseness.’

  ‘Just how we like it,’ Father added.

  Tamberlaine cocked an eyebrow at Father, his mirth suddenly drying up. ‘Yes. Quite.’

  ‘Great Father,’ Secundus said, ‘It is an honour you’ve bestowed upon us, truly. Might I ask a question?’

  Tamberlaine pursed his lips. ‘You are a handsome boy, I must say.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Tenebrae tells me you made quite a splash in the senate the other day. I rarely pay attention to such things. Will you pursue your suit of Metellus?’

  ‘We are in talks with him currently and it might be possible to work something out.’

  ‘Work something out?’ Tamberlaine looked curious. ‘I allow the senate autonomy in their law-making to the extent it doesn’t interfere with my power or designs. Yet, it’s been my experience that when two parties are able to ‘work something out’ there is, usually, a lot of money involved. Is there money involved in this?’

  ‘Not as yet, your majesty.’
r />   ‘But the possibility of money.’

  ‘Yes, your majesty.’

  Tamberlaine was silent for a long while.

  ‘Hmm. Rume wants for money, always,’ he said. ‘I expect you will render to Rume its due?’

  ‘Of course, your majesty,’ Secundus said.

  ‘All right,’ Tamberlaine said. ‘Yes, you may ask a question.’

  ‘Thank you, your majesty. The question is simple: why us?’

  Tamberlaine called for some brandy and a slave quickly supplied us all with snifters. Another slave offered cigars and cigarettes which were quickly passed about and lit, making the ante-chamber stuffy and quite unpleasant.

  ‘Why you?’ Tamberlaine asked to no one in particular. ‘First, your father, Snuffy here, seriously disappointed me in the matter of the Diegal girl.’ The Emperor frowned for a moment. And then a wicked grin spread across his face. ‘But if you had to fail, you did so spectacularly!’ he crowed. ‘I will admit that it was hard holding in my laughter when I had to tell the Medieran Ambassador that you allowed a Medieran princess to be eaten by elves.’ He laughed, covering his mouth, like a boy who realizes he shouldn’t find something so amusing. ‘Elves!’ For a moment, he was overcome and slammed his fist into his leg as if trying to control himself. When he looked back up, all traces of mirth were gone and his face was awful. ‘Rume must be represented by its noblest blood and since I have no progeny—’ He paused then, thinking. ‘Since I have no progeny that I can trust with this, I looked to my oldest friend and confidant … Snuffy. Like most of the greatest houses of Rume, you can trace your lineage back to divinity, can you not? The Cornelian clan issued from the loins of the Mater herself.’ He grinned again. It flashed across his face like a carnival mask being lifted to reveal a devil underneath and then quickly replaced. ‘I have no idea who could have fucked her. Mithras, possibly. Some passing deity, maybe.’ He sipped at his brandy. ‘Whatever the case, your blood is required. Sun Huáng here knows your rank, he knows your imperial favour—’ The lupine smile revealed itself again. ‘And he will assure the Autumn Lords that your blood has no cause to offend.’

  Sun Huáng bowed again, gripping his cane.

  ‘Thank you, Great Father, for honouring us in this,’ Secundus said, bowing in return.

  ‘You might not thank me when it is over,’ Tamberlaine said, winking. He considered Secundus again, looking up and down his frame. ‘Would you stay for the night-time revels, my boy?’

  ‘Thank you, your majesty, but no. I have much to do before our departure.’

  ‘A pity,’ the Emperor said, sniffing. He finished his brandy and set the glass on a marble table. ‘Snuffy,’ he said. ‘I’ll expect you at the palace on the morrow. I’m sending you back to Occidentalia but not before we get some things straight about the disposition of our forces and the resources there. I’m of a mind that you’ve been chastised enough.’

  ‘Yes, Great Father,’ my Father said. He looked like a man in need of a drink, desperately, even though he held one in his hand. I imagined then that he would be monumentally drunk before morning.

  ‘And I’ll require that you, at least, stay for the night-time activities.’

  Father blanched. ‘As you say, your majesty,’ he said, downing his brandy.

  ‘A pleasure,’ Tamberlaine said to the rest of us assembled in the room. ‘Go with my blessing.’ He turned and walked out of the room. Tenebrae raised his eyebrows, bid us goodbye, and followed the Emperor out. The black-clad Praetorians exited noiselessly.

  ‘A pleasure meeting you,’ Sun Huáng said in his stilted yet clear voice. ‘I look forward to coming to know you.’ He turned, without another bow, and walked from the room. In him was none of the anile fragility of the aged. There was consideration with each step, and a fluidity to his movement that belied the snowy mantle of years on his shoulders.

  When Huáng was gone and we were alone except for the pair of lingering slave attendants, Father exhaled, noisily, and Carnelia went to him and placed a hand on his arm.

  ‘I think that went well,’ he said. He waited until the slaves and servants retreated and said in a hushed, shaky voice, ‘That man—’ he said, pointing at the door, and we all knew it was not of the Tchinee gentleman he spoke of. ‘He is pure malice, that’s for sure.’ He looked about the room as if seeing it for the first time. ‘Remarkable. No one was crucified.’

  ‘No, Father, we’re all safe,’ Carnelia soothed. She stroked his arm and beckoned one of the slaves to bring back the decanter of brandy.

  Once Father had another drink in hand, he said, ‘You all should leave before he changes his mind and demands you attend whatever orgy he has planned—’

  ‘Father, I don’t think you should participate—’

  He made a familiar chopping motion with his hand. As you might say, my love, he was in a high dander. ‘I’ve been avoiding Tamberlaine’s orgies since before you were born, child. I plan on getting drunk beyond all recognition. Tamberlaine is many things but he wants his victims to be aware enough to know he’s the one fucking them. If it gets down to that – and I doubt it will since he values youth and beauty – my arse might be sore in the morning but I’ll have no recollection of the event.’ He lifted the brandy snifter and drank, making almost greedy, sucking sounds. ‘Anyway, he said I’ve been chastised enough. A public buggery of a patrician by him or one of his agents would cause serious problems in the senate and wealthier families.’ He took another deep breath, calming himself by working out the situation. Or maybe the brandy situation was working on him. ‘No, now that I think about it, he just wants to make me uncomfortable. He’ll not shame me by making me a cinaedus.’ He looked thoughtful. ‘Secundus, the emperor is a very beneficent mood. Be thankful he did not order you to attend.’

  We were all silent for a long while thinking about the ramifications of everything that had happened. Secundus picked up the ash messenger’s box. As we were preparing to leave, Father said, ‘Livia, did you give him that painting to mock him?’

  ‘No, Father. It was something I was proud of and I thought he might like it.’

  He gave a short bark of laughter. ‘The man knows only physical beauty. Nothing in the arts would please him. If you’d dunked it in molten gold, then he would have given it some consideration, possibly.’

  ‘He did give it some consideration.’

  ‘No,’ Father said. ‘He gave you consideration. The painting was absolutely unessential.’

  Secundus, Carnelia, and I gave our father kisses and made sure he was well on his way to full inebriation for the orgy before leaving. In the carriage home, Carnelia said, ‘You can lie to Tata all you want, sissy, but you can’t fool me. You gave that painting of the White Mountains to Tamberlaine on purpose, knowing the significance.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’ I said, raising my eyebrow at her.

  ‘Because he’s separated you from your husband! During your pregnancy! I know you. That’s something you’d not let pass lightly.’

  I answered her only with a smile. As you know, some things are better not to acknowledge, my love.

  Three days later, after Carnelia and I performed the necessary shopping and provisioning with Fuqua and Lupina’s help while Secundus and Father hammered out the details of their arrangement with Metellus, we took a carriage back to Ostia and reboarded the Malphas. In some ways, it felt like coming home. I’ve grown used to travel and developed my own internal inertia.

  Father tearily bid us farewell – he’d been hungover and melodramatic ever since Ia Terminalia but insisted that ‘nothing untoward occurred, children, other than a great amount of liver damage!’ – and the day of our departure was no different. As Lupina and the Praetorians organized all of our provisions and baggage (and Father steadfastly ignored Tenebrae to Tenebrae’s great amusement), we embraced our father one at a time.

  ‘Here,’ Father said to Secundus, waving Rubus forward. Rubus carried a Quotidian box. ‘I’ve included a schedule for corresponde
nce. My Kalends is already too bloody, so we’ll have to stagger the missives around the Nones and six Kalends.’

  ‘Understood, Father,’ Secundus said.

  He looked at all of our faces and tears streamed down his cheeks. ‘I’ll be cursing you, Livia, before the day is out,’ he said, sniffing. ‘You’re taking everyone from me.’

  ‘You’ll be all right, Father,’ said I. ‘Soon you’ll be back in the west. When you see Fisk—’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Nothing. He knows.’

  He looked at me for a long while then took Carnelia’s hands and kissed her forehead and embraced Secundus warmly. ‘I am very proud of you, my children. I can think of no better emissaries for Rume. Safe travels.’ Blowing his nose into a pocket handkerchief, he turned and walked back down the pier to the waiting carriage, his back straight.

  That night, on the turning of the tide, the Malphas steamed out of Ostia and into Mare Nostrum toward the Eudaemon Neck where the warm bath of our sea becomes dark and passes closely between the Ægyptian and Bedoun shores. For six days now we have steamed through these waters – quite still and steamy with nothing of the mountainous swells we had experienced on the Occidens Ocean – and now we trace the sweltering Ætheopicum coast, the waters crystal blue matched by the cerulean sky.

  We are accompanied by Tenebrae and his cadre of Praetorians – clearly our guide and companion from Occidentalia, despite being an informant for Tamberlaine, is the most refined of the Emperor’s private troops. These black-clad men seem brutish and dull and more interested in the Malphas’ provender than interacting with the rest of the passengers. In addition to the Praetorians and the familiar crew of the Malphas, we are joined by Sun Huáng who returns to Kithai to vouch for us as we deliver the Emperor’s letter. He is a strange man and quite wary of us Rumans, as far as I can tell.

  We take our mornings on deck – staying below would be almost impossible in the close heat of the cabins – and Captain Juvenus has been kind enough to provide the passengers with copious deck space for sunning ourselves and whatever exercise we are able to get on the small expanse of wind- and rain-smoothed wooden planks. There are a few small tables and folding chairs so Carnelia, Lupina, and I often have coffee or tea and take breakfast in the shade beneath the front cannon where it’s cooler and breezy, while watching the Praetorians and Secundus get in whatever martial drills they can without the benefit of a gymnasia. Our baby is wreaking hell on my appetites and I find myself always somewhat hungry – mostly for buttered toast and fruit – and we have been lucky to have many ports to call in for fresh victuals.