"I think you are trying to woo me.”
A slow smile worked its way into his lips. "Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. Bested while playing my favorite game. The moment you said that, I tell you, my insides quite exploded with flappy-flying creatures. Maybe they’re fireflies, too. Though you haven’t gone barging into my grass without invitation, as I have yours.”
He took her hand. "You’re both fascinated and frightened by all the fireflies, I think. Is it even possible? Are they really glowing, or are you imagining it? Is the glow fake? Am I just baiting you? And, above all, what are you supposed to do with them?” He kissed her hand and held it between both of his. "Honey, you don’t have to pretend to be okay with everything. I hope I can draw sunshine from your eyes and bring roses to your cheeks for good, but even if I don’t, the moonbeams and lilies are equally enchanting.”
The roses, warm with summer heat and prickly with thorns, bloomed into her cheeks in a new way. Her breath caught as she mentally scrabbled for her resolve and self-control before it let loose and she acted irrationally.
"We’re going to be all right,” David said. “If this were a song, I’d say we have a major seventh chord on the horizon.” He reached up and cooled her cheek in his palm. "I don’t expect you to understand it now. It’ll make sense eventually.”
In a short time, his strong, smooth hand had been with her through enough fear to last a lifetime. The masculine touch both cleared and clouded her mind.
David drew back. "I’m leaving this conversation here,” he declared, "because I’m on the verge of going moony.” He fanned himself, batting his eyelids. "I can’t have you taking advantage of me in my emotionally weakened state. Also, I have a meeting with the Kyrios in an hour, and I’m too old to deal with them after being charmed out of my senses without a nap in between. I’ll be in my room if you need me. Otherwise, stay out of trouble, will you?” He gave her one more wink and a smile and left her alone.
She would probably be married by the time another realistic escape opportunity arrived. Relationship consummated, body possessed, and the first pleasures lost . . . or gained. At the thought, she trembled inside, burning with hatred for the feelings David stirred up in her. Feelings she admitted. Awful, horrible, wonderful feelings that were nothing like hatred. Truthfully, she was okay with that.
But Adahy.
She was not as strong as she thought she was before someone truly challenged her—until someone challenged her love for Adahy. She was lying to herself about her feelings for the sake of upholding the principles that were dear to her.
No. Worse!
It was not about principles. It was about her pride in upholding them. Only pride.
At least she was being honest with herself now. It was not hard to become a stig, after all.
Just think of those babies.
David’s gift still waited in front of her. He had the chocolate wrapped in brown paper, like a dried leaf, and tied with white string. She pulled the string, and the paper came off with little effort. The next layer, a sheath of shining silver, crinkled as she pulled it away from the dark brown bar. It smelled a little earthy, saccharine, and reminiscent of cedarwood. Sweet and bitter, the chocolate melted over her tongue with unrivaled smoothness. Better than maple sugar.
It was good.
It was very good.
But it was not nepenthe.
Thirteen | Post-Conquest: 232
Hesper entered the honeyed-rose room and touched the blue woman’s hand as she passed. It was only art, but it gave Hesper thoughts of fresh herbs in her hand and soil on her fingers, filled with the life-giving energy she experienced while supporting laboring women as they birthed their children. The intoxicating light of human freedom.
This room felt good. Still, good feelings could not protect her from herself, though she wished it were so. All wrapped up in goodness, she crashed. She had allowed David to manipulate her feelings, rather than fighting to the death, and now she did not deserve Adahy.
Maybe manipulate was not the word. He did seem genuine. Still, he handled her feelings and turned her mind and affection toward him. It did not have to be malicious to be manipulation.
She squeezed the blue woman’s cold, hard hand, trying to milk comfort and support from it. It offered no motherly warmth, only strong silence. Sometimes strong silence was preferable.
Right and wrong, loyalty and perfidy all mixed together. Could she make the wrong place the right one by doing the right thing? Could she love her enemy and heal without discrimination? It would never bring her back to Adahy, though. That wrong would never be right.
Where was the light? The outside world was supposed to be a place with so much light, but it was nothing compared to the darkness of her tormented conscience. She had nowhere to turn to for relief. She would just have to live with it.
She closed her eyes to still her mind.
Adahy’s laugh sliced into the silence, startling her. His voice, given to him by the forest, rang out with the camphorous strength and mild coolness of a pine. It brought so many memories to her. David’s voice followed, warm and boyish.
Dressed in loose trousers and sweat-drenched shirts, David and his brother entered the room glowing from physical activity with energized smiles and breathless laughter. Cole left the room the moment he saw Hesper, but she had seen him, too.
The most ridiculous thought came into her mind. Adahy?
Hesper’s eye snagged on the drawing of a pink flower on the side of David’s exposed bicep.
"Well, hello.” David’s jovial mood blossomed into a comfortable tenderness.
Was he . . . happy to see her?
"I headed to my room for my old-man nappy-poo when Cole lured me into a match, claiming it would energize me better than a nap. Not sure if it’s worked. Guessing not, ‘cause he thumped me this time.” He laughed. "But excuse me, Hesper, my brother’s rude. It’s just his nature. I’m going to have a chat with him.”
David followed Cole, calling for him before he had even stepped out of the room. "What is your problem, Cole?” In the foyer, he continued with a softer voice. "I’ve never seen you behave so rudely, and that’s saying something! Are you allergic to Gentles all of a sudden, you boob?”
The men’s footsteps and bickering faded away and disappeared into another part of the house.
Adahy was no stiff, baby-faced Meros man. The elders approved him. He had proven himself. Cole was not Adahy. She just missed him and saw what she loved where it was not, just as she felt love where it was not—where it could not be.
* * *
Hesper slept through much of the afternoon. The dream of Adahy and Joram began repeatedly, but she woke up in the middle of it each time. Considering her situation and anxiety, the dream was to be expected, but it played out in an unusual way. More aware of the fact that she dreamed, adult Hesper tried to get through to little Hesper who broke the twig off the tree, called it Cassia, and laid it in a bed of orange pine needles.
It is okay. It is only a dream. You are not truly living this. Move away from it. Forget about it.
On the dream’s third attempt to get through, just before little Hesper would see Joram in a Meros uniform, four hard knocks roused grown Hesper from her sleep.
Neck and back slick with sweat, she sat up and looked around trying to remember where she was, to understand the lines of gold light and shadows streaking the room.
The door rattled with another four knocks.
"I am here,” she slurred.
A man’s voice called through the door. "Yes, I know.”
She rolled off the bed and opened the door. Cole waited, hands behind his back, shoulders squared, his bare chin up and feet together. His hard appearance softened when he saw her. "I apologize for my rude behavior earlier, miss.”
Cole’s gold buttons were shinier than David’s. Cole was taller, too, so it was harder to avoid them. She lifted her head to acknowledge his words.
His face grew cold. "I�
�ve been assigned the task of fetching you for dinner. I hope you will come.” His fingers wiggled, and he reached up to adjust his tie.
She shook her head as if to decline. "I will be there shortly.”
"I’ve been asked to escort you.” He cleared his throat and held out his arm.
"I can walk without that.”
Smothering a smile, he drew his lips into a hard line. Either he demonstrated a disgusting measure of contempt and arrogance, or he struggled to stifle friendliness. She slipped past him into the hallway. "Why did you smile?”
He chuckled. "You may have caught on that the Meros are fascinated with the psyche. Psychology is emphasized in our education from a young age. Whether we’re discussing law, history, culture—anything.”
He gestured for her to walk with him. "While my work is in law and culture, my understanding of psychology bleeds into that work. That being said, it’s a pleasure to see a Gentle adhering to the moral customs of her people. I expect you’ll be an interesting case.” He paused. "I wonder how long you will hold up.”
"I have been forced from my customs more than once here. Why do the Meros do that? Is it intentional?”
"Yes, miss. The Meros use mind control and varying levels of hypnosis, and, uh, other methods, occasionally. It’s subtle but potent.” He pulled at the white cloth under his sleeve. "I rather enjoy watching Gentle minds break as much as David delights in putting them together. An interesting business: deconstructing and rebuilding the psyche.”
"Why do you not like me?” she asked. "What have I done to earn your contempt?”
He cast a couple of quick glances at her. "Are you always this direct?”
She reached for the end of her hair behind her back. "Direct?”
"Asking uncomfortable questions of people who you hardly know.”
"I did not know it was an uncomfortable question.”
"Hmph.” His eyes swept over her. "I have no dislike for you, miss.”
Her chest ached. How could Adahy be here? Adahy would not do this. Adahy would not lie. He would see her and tell the truth right away. He would not insult her and say the rude things Cole did.
"Are you related to any Unified?” she asked.
A few steps ahead, one hand tucked into a pocket, Cole spat, "Why would you ask such a thing? I’m no mongrel. The idea is offensive to me.”
"Are you always this direct?” she retorted. "Offending people you hardly know?”
He faced her and smirked. "Touché. Fair enough.”
Emboldened by the neutral response, she persisted. "Are you? It might offend you to be related, but are you? Because you remind me of a man I know. Your voice, even. Do you have another brother?”
"We can talk about this another time.” Cole strode away to the dining room.
David rose from his seat at the head of the table and came forward to greet Hesper and kiss her forehead. It did not bother her as much now that his affection felt real and less threatening. The pleasant feeling from his touch, though resented, still was pleasant.
"How do you feel, Love?” His hands held her face, smoldering through her principles. She swallowed and cleared her throat. "I am well enough.”
His eyes seemed to will her gaze to meet his own. With pursed lips, he studied her face, stroking her cheek with his thumbs, close enough to smell.
She sniffed. It really was a good, fruity, fresh smell.
Melting into his hands would bring her relief. Safety. Warmth. Love. All the things she had lost. If she leaned on him—such a simple thing—he would put his arms around her, and she would let herself love him, forget the tension, and rest.
Rest in light.
He must stop looking at her.
She needed air, trees, freedom. She might go crazy trapped inside these walls, away from thoughts of everything except David. Closed off—
"Are we going to eat or make out?” Cole snapped. "If the latter, kindly take your prey elsewhere so we can eat without throwing up. I haven’t got anyone properly Stockholm syndromized or hypnotized—whatever you’ve got going on—and I’d rather eat food, honestly.”
"I am well,” Hesper insisted.
David ignored Cole, communicating affectionate disbelief with his eyes. He swiped Hesper’s almost-tear away, then he let her go and returned to his seat.
"Brother dear”—David placed a napkin on his lap—"it comes down to understanding a few things about the female psyche and acting accordingly, not hypnosis or syndromes.” Staring at Cole, David bit his bottom lip, winked, and said, "Don’t blame me for your ineffective neanderthalic charm. We don’t all need tricks to be likable. Maybe you should appeal to the Book of Light about it, the way you’ve been dreaming. Perhaps it will assist you in balancing religion with agreeableness.”
Hesper groaned internally when Cole sat at the end of the table beside her. As Lorelei served their meal, Jade leaned in to whisper, "Make sure you cover your food in case Cole has another allergic reaction to you.”
Hesper cracked a smile, but Cole made her too uncomfortable to let herself feel it.
"Miss Hesper, how do you like it here?” Cole asked.
"I hate it.” She stared into her soup. She might even hate him.
"Is that so?”
"Yes.”
"David is fond of you, you know. He’s a good man, my brother.”
"I know he is.”
He cleared his throat. "David says you arrived only yesterday.” His eyes alone darted toward David, who was preoccupied in a conversation with Anise. When Cole directed his attention Hesper’s way again, he burned with an uncomfortable focus and fire that she did not appreciate.
"He’s gifted at manipulating people to stir up affection and garner loyalty.” Cole twirled a spoon in his hand as he spoke. "I’ve never seen him succeed so quickly. You’ve adapted to our customs quite well. It’s almost as if you wish to stay. No escapes? You’re just going to sit here and take this?”
Hesper scowled. As if she would tell him.
As if he wanted answers.
He wrinkled his nose and pasted on a maddening condescending smile. "I enjoy watching Gentles run.” He paused, eyes sparkling with amusement. Waiting to see her reaction? "You know what I think? I think you’re smart and trying to earn trust to get out of here.”
Hesper held her spoon in her soup and stared hard at a floating carrot. "Or so he trusts me enough to let me help with food preparation.”
"What’s that supposed to mean?” Cole held his spoon half-way between the bowl and his mouth, glaring at her.
She shrugged. "Enjoy your soup.”
"In your position, respect will do more for you than smarts will, miss.”
* * *
Jade opened the door next to David and Evelyn’s and turned on a light. With a match, she lit a sort of stick on a small table in the corner.
“Incense,” she explained. “Juniper and geranium.” Seated on a mat on the floor, she beckoned to Hesper. "What did you do all afternoon?”
Hesper knelt. "Nothing. I slept and thought.”
"I painted. Want to see?” Jade stood and half-skipped to an easel facing the window. Smiling, she invited Hesper to approach. The painted child’s fat, freckled face glowed with life. So real, Hesper wanted to touch its wild curling wisps of fiery hair. It bore a striking resemblance to Jade, but David’s eyes were unmistakable.
"Is it you?”
"No. It’s a picture from my mind.” Jade bit her lip as she considered her work.
"It is beautiful,” Hesper said.
Jade lit up. "Really? I’m glad you think so. I named her Merrily.”
"A good name.”
Jade’s lively smile died and went stiff. "Anyway.”
Now. Now was the time to ask. "Are you afraid to leave?” The question earned a fleeting frown from Jade. "What do you mean?”
"I tried to escape.”
"I know.” The heaviness lifted, and Jade laughed. "David and I watched you from the dining room. He ca
ught me going to my room and started talking to me, and we wound up in the dining room just before you did it. He expected you to make a run for it. I didn’t think you would, but he insisted your body language told him otherwise. Then you did it! He shouted, ‘a-a-a-a-a-and she’s off!’ and hummed music for you to run to.”
He WHAT? "I want to be offended.” Hesper laughed.
"Don’t be offended. It’s funny.”
"Why do you want to stay here?” Hesper asked. "Do you want to leave? I stopped because I want you to go with me. Will you go with me, Jade?”
Jade sobered. "No, Hesper. I’m married. I love David, and he loves me, and I want to stay with him. I have nowhere to go. No one to love me out there.” Her delicate hand swept Hesper’s idea away, toward the window.
Hesper loved her. Was that not enough? Of course not. Even love from a married Meros man sounded better than being a pariah. Up and down, indecisive, losing her mind in a sea of hormones, feelings, thoughts, anger—all on the edge of unity. Hesper took Jade’s hand. "I . . . I love you.”
Jade uttered a squeak of sympathy and kissed Hesper’s cheek. "I’m going to stay here because I believe it’s what God wants. I gave my life and hopes to It so that It’ll flow through me. Whatever happens, I’m in Love’s hands.”
Swallowing hard, Hesper managed, "I do not understand what that means, but, somehow, I do understand what you mean.”
"For now,” Jade said, "we should enjoy the good moments. Have you ever played chess?”
* * *
After Hesper learned the basics of chess, she played against Jade several times. Jade won each game, because, allegedly, Hesper sacrificed rooks too readily.
Later, as twilight melted into darkness, Jade put the board and pieces away and crossed the room. Click. It went dark.
"It’s a full moon tonight, see?” She cast a crazy, smiling glance at Hesper, gesturing to the window. Then Hesper lost her to the glow. Absorbed with the moon-splashed world outside, Jade did not speak for several minutes, like a child, fascinated by the activities of adults, expecting life to be happy. Hesper stared through the window at the gray world. How did Jade see anything else?
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